Estimated reading time: 9 minutes
God designed marriage to be a relationship in which trust, openness, and vulnerability can thrive. He designed the first relationship to be nourishing, enriching, and fruitful. Adam and Eve were the first to experience the joys and miseries of marriage. Let’s see what we can learn from this very first couple about dealing with differences in marriage.
As God was creating matter, light, and life, He declared everything He made to be good. There was one notable exception: “Then the Lord God said, ‘It is not good that the man should be alone'” (Genesis 2:18). Sin and the fall had not yet happened. But still, it was not good for man to be alone. Why? Simply because God created man for relationship: with Him, in marriage, and with others. But relationships, especially close relationships, are difficult. In fact, it seems that our relationships with those we love most are the relationships most difficult to manage.
Dealing with differences in marriage
Consider this one crucial fact about the need for the kind of commitment that supports lasting love in marriage: It is the sense of permanence based in a healthy and strong commitment that allows a marriage to thrive even though it is made up of two imperfect beings. One of the greatest problems for marriages these days is that people have grown to expect more than is possible from their relationships. Marriages can be great but will not be perfect, and dealing with differences can be challenging. The reality of two people thriving through the trials and imperfections of life trumps the fantasy of perfection.
Learning constructive ways to deal with your differences is one of the most important things you can do to protect the promise that your marriage holds. These key principles can help guide you whenever you are not sure about what to do. If you apply them, you will seldom go wrong. They are powerful, simple, and easy to remember. These key principles are:
- Decide, don’t slide.
- Do your part.
- Make it safe to connect.
Key #1: Decide, don’t slide
This principle is a result of research on commitment and relationship transitions conducted at the University of Denver. I believe that couples form their relationships these days by “sliding” through all sorts of transitions without even realizing what they are doing, much less talking about it. For example, couples are making all kinds of important, potentially life-altering changes without clearly choosing to make them. This matters because commitments are, at the foundation, decisions. Sliding now rules the day in how relationships develop, and this probably undermines the solidity of the commitment many couples will make later on.
Strive to thoughtfully decide about the things that matter. When you’re taking a journey, it’s necessary to make a clear decision about where you want to end up instead of just driving around hoping to eventually end up somewhere you like. Sliding through—just letting things happen—is fine in non-crucial situations. For example, if you like the evening’s routine together, just letting things slide will usually work out just fine. But when something important is at stake, make a decision.
Decisions take effort, energy, and teamwork. Do you need to decide where you will live in terms of the best work options? Are there major transitions coming up in your children’s lives? What about how you manage money? Who does what around the house? How do you treat each other when you are upset? Do you just let things slide and let whatever happens happen? Making a thoughtful decision supports a stronger commitment to follow through on whatever has been chosen.
Where it matters, don’t slide—decide to take control of your issues rather than letting them control you.
Key #2: Do your part
You are headed for trouble if you focus on your spouse as the source of your problems. Your partner obviously plays a role in your marriage. But you have no control over what he or she does. You do, however, have control over what you do to keep your marriage on track. Think about what you contribute to your marriage rather than what you get out of it or what your partner does.
This means that when conflicts arise, for instance, or when you perceive your spouse as being unfair, you take the responsibility to do the most constructive thing you can do, as opposed to blaming your partner. Far too often, when people believe that their husband or wife is doing something hurtful or unfair, they feel relieved of their own responsibility to be the best spouse they can be. Don’t wait for your relationship to feel as though it’s 50-50. You need to hold up your end of the relationship even when you think your partner isn’t doing his or her share. (The major exception to this is if there is ongoing victimization of one partner by the other. That usually calls for strong actions of a different sort.)
What you say matters when dealing with differences in marriage
Take responsibility for what you say. If what you are about to say to your mate can pass the standard given to us by the apostle Paul, you are in great shape: “Let no corrupting talk come out of your mouths, but only such as is good for building up, as fits the occasion, that it may give grace to those who hear” (Ephesians 4:29).
Handling issues well sometimes comes down to an act of obedience to the Lord. You can make a choice to “edit out” your negative responses and take control of the things you say and the way you say them. Remember: Most relationships can withstand only so much negative interaction. All the nasty stuff makes it next to impossible to be naked and not ashamed. It pushes us toward the fig leaves, if not fig-leaf parkas (Genesis 2-3). Jesus Christ, the apostles, Solomon, David, and many others all gave significant warnings about the destructiveness of certain ways of treating others. We will all blow it sometimes. But if you really strive to limit the “reckless words [that] pierce like a sword” (Proverbs 12:18, NIV), you will create a climate that fosters openness and closeness in your marriage.
It is important to recognize your spouse’s efforts to communicate well. Your encouragement can go a long way in keeping both of your efforts on track. For example, you can give your mate positive feedback when you think he or she is trying to bring up an issue constructively. Saying little things like “It really helped me the way you brought that up” or “Thank you for taking the time to listen to what I was upset about” is doing your part to make it easier for your mate to do his or her part.
How to do your part
So what’s your part? Here are some simple ideas that you can regularly put into practice:
- Do things that please your spouse, especially the little things he or she appreciates but that you know you do not do very often.
- When your husband or wife expresses a concern, let any negative or annoying comments bounce off you. Most of the time, just let the little stuff go.
- When you have concerns of your own, bring them up without any of those little digs that might trigger your mate to become defensive.
- Take good care of yourself physically.
- Manage your own stress level.
- Be the best you can be. Take responsibility for staying mentally healthy and growing spiritually.
Key #3: Make it safe to connect
The Genesis phrase “naked and unashamed” conveys the deepest desire of the heart: to be loved and accepted for who one is, warts and all. “Safe” refers to how you talk to one another and the emotional tone you cultivate when together.
One of the clearest findings in research on marriage is that the ways couples handle conflict are strongly related to how they will do in the future. Because conflicts are a common and expected part of relationships, many couples think that it’s their differences that cause the greatest problems in their marriage. Strong differences in backgrounds and viewpoints do make conflicts more likely. However, more than 30 years of research have told us that success in marriage is about how partners deal with the differences they have and not just the nature of the differences they have.
Differences can be part of what draws two people together and also part of what makes it difficult for them to get along once they are together. Some differences can be especially tricky to handle well. Whatever your differences, the part you have the most control over is how you keep your marriage emotionally safe.
Creating ground rules when dealing with differences in marriage
In addition to the three keys, here are two ground rules that can help you enact the three keys when it comes to protecting your marriage from conflict.
Ground rule #1:
When conflict is escalating, we will call a “time out” and either try to continue to talk more constructively or agree to talk later after things have calmed down.
This one simple rule can protect relationships. Why? As Solomon wrote, “A fool gives full vent to his spirit, but a wise man quietly holds it back” (Proverbs 29:11). Scripture clearly teaches that escalating and venting at one another is foolish and harmful. Furthermore, research on marital health, mental health, and physiological health simply does not support the idea that “letting it all hang out” is healthy. In fact, careless venting is deadly for your relationship.
Ground rule # 2:
We will make time for the blessings of marriage: fun, friendship, physical connection, and spiritual connection. We will agree to protect these times from conflict and the need to deal with issues.
You can’t be focusing on issues all the time and have a really happy and connected marriage. You need nurturing and safe times for relaxing—having fun, talking as friends, making love—times in which conflict and problems are always off-limits.
There are two points embedded in this ground rule. First, set aside time for these positive activities together. You have to do this very intentionally. For most couples, letting this slide means you will have fewer positive experiences in your marriage. Second, when you are alone together for the purpose of enjoying your relationship, agree never to use that time to bring up issues. And if an issue does come up, agree to table it for a later time. Schedule a special meeting to focus on an important issue later, but don’t let problems intrude on the times you’ve set aside to enjoy one another.
These key principles and ground rules will help you and your spouse deal with your differences in your marriage.
