Estimated reading time: 7 minutes
One husband told me of his journey toward sexual intimacy with his wife: “In the early days of marriage, we struggled greatly. I found myself with negative feelings toward my wife. She did not live up to my expectations, and I’m sure she would have said the same about me. I finally decided that I did not marry a perfect woman, and she did not marry a perfect man. It’s true—we had our differences, but I didn’t marry her to make her miserable. I wanted us to learn to work together as a team, enjoy life together, and rear our children in a loving home. So, I decided I would ask God to help me learn how to be a good husband.
The next Sunday, our pastor spoke about husbands and read the verse that says we are supposed to love our wives as Christ loved the church [Ephesians 5:25]. I figured God was answering my prayer. So, I asked God to show me how to love my wife. The first thought that came to my mind was, Why don’t you ask her? So I did.
Achieving sexual intimacy
“That afternoon I said to her, ‘I want to become the best husband in the world, and I’m asking you to teach me how. Once a week I want you to tell me one thing that would make me a better husband, and I will work on it.’ She was eager to help me,” he said with a smile. “Within two months, she asked me to give her ideas on how to be a better wife. That was 15 years ago. Now we have a great marriage. Both of us are happy and our children are wonderful.”
“What about the sexual aspect of your marriage?” I asked.
He looked at me with a twinkle in his eye and said, “It couldn’t be better.” I knew they were making love, not just having sex. He had figured out the secret to true sexual intimacy with his wife.
Attitudes, words, and actions impact sexual intimacy
That husband’s journey illustrates the principle that the second stage of love begins with an attitude. The attitude expresses itself in acts of kindness that, in turn, stimulate warm feelings. Those couples who learn to move from stage one to stage two of emotional love are the couples who learn how to make love, not just have sex.
Too many couples simply wait, hoping that “the tingles” will return. When they don’t, their attitude and behavior become negative, and they destroy what they most want—a happy marriage. Emotional love can be restored, but it doesn’t happen simply with the passing of time. It comes only when couples choose the attitude of love and find meaningful ways to express it. Loving actions stimulate loving feelings.
Questions to ask yourself
Sexual fulfillment has little to do with technique but much to do with attitude, words, and actions. The underlying questions are:
- Am I expressing love to my spouse?
- Is my attitude characterized by love?
- Am I truly looking out for my spouse’s interests?
- Is my major concern to meet his or her needs?
If these are my sincere desires, then I must examine my words and my actions:
- Am I communicating to my spouse (by the way I talk and by what I say) that I am committed to his or her well-being?
- Do I view my spouse as a gift from God and see myself as God’s agent for building him or her up to become everything He desires?
- Do my actions reflect my love?
- When I cook a meal, do I do it as an expression of love to my spouse, or do I do it with resentment?
- When I carry out the garbage, do I do it with an attitude of love, or do I complain as I do it?
When my words and actions reflect the love of Christ, I am on the road to having a sexual relationship that not only brings satisfaction to the two of us but also brings pleasure to God. Making life better for my spouse is the theme of love.
We choose our attitude daily. When we choose to be negative, critical, condemning, and demanding, we stimulate negative feelings in the heart of our spouse. On the other hand, when we choose to be affirming, encouraging, and giving, we stimulate positive emotions. These are the secrets to a satisfying sex life with your spouse.
The most powerful prayer for marriage
I am convinced that the most powerful prayer you can pray for marriage is, “Lord, give me the attitude of Christ toward my spouse.” Pray that prayer daily. It is a prayer that God will answer. The theme of Christ’s life was one of service to others. When that attitude permeates your behavior toward your spouse, you will be on the way to making love. When you pray with your spouse, and two pray as one in marriage, you will make great strides on the journey to sexual intimacy. The way you treat each other throughout the day determines whether you will make love or simply have sex. Sex without love will never give you a satisfying marriage.
A good way to express an attitude of service to your spouse is to ask what you can do to make his or her life easier or what you can do to be a better husband or wife. Listen carefully to the suggestions, and you will begin to learn how to express your love in ways that are especially meaningful to your spouse.
When each of you feels genuinely loved, appreciated, and respected by the other, it brings a whole new level of love to your sexual relationship. The rewards are priceless.
God created sex and sexual intimacy
Contrary to popular belief, Hollywood did not invent sex. According to ancient Hebrew writings in the Book of Beginnings, God looked at the man He had created and said, “It is not good that the man should be alone; I will make him a helper fit for him.” The Creation narrative continues, “God caused a deep sleep to fall upon the man, and while he slept took one of his ribs and closed up its place with flesh. And the rib that the Lord God had taken from the man he made into a woman and brought her to the man.”
The man exclaimed, “This at last is bone of my bones and flesh of my flesh; she shall be called Woman, because she was taken out of Man.” Then, the Creator declared that the two would “become one flesh.” The account concludes with these words: “The man and his wife were both naked and were not ashamed” (Genesis 2:18-25).
Based on this ancient Creation account, Jews and Christians have always viewed marriage as a sacred relationship between a husband and wife that was instituted by God. The sexual union between the husband and wife is seen as a profound symbol of their deep companionship. That Adam and Eve were naked and unashamed indicates that, from God’s perspective, sex is beautiful.
Sex and sexual intimacy are beautiful
Throughout the Old and New Testament Scriptures, God repeatedly affirms the beauty of sexual intercourse within the marital relationship. Sexual intercourse, from God’s perspective, is an act of love that binds the souls of a husband and a wife to each other in a lifelong, intimate relationship.
It is obvious that one of the purposes of relating to each other sexually in the context of marriage is for reproduction. God himself said to Adam and Eve, “Be fruitful and multiply and fill the earth and subdue it” (Genesis 1:28). Husbands and wives who love each other and express their love sexually provide the healthiest context in which to rear children.
However, procreation is not the only purpose, nor the primary purpose, of sexual intercourse within marriage. Far more basic are the psychological and spiritual dimensions of making love. As a husband and wife give themselves to each other sexually, they are building a psychological and spiritual bond that unites their souls at the deepest possible level. Together, they can face the challenges of life because they are soul partners. Nothing unites a husband and wife more deeply than making love.
God intends marital sex to be an experience of extreme pleasure. This pleasure is not limited to the physical sensation of orgasm. It also involves the emotions, the intellect, and the spirit. Sexual intercourse within marriage is designed to give us a taste of the divine. It involves the total person and brings waves of pleasure as we make love and draw closer through sexual intimacy.
