Just when you thought it was safe to enjoy your newly empty nest, your adult child decides to move back in. Here’s how parents and grown children can work together to make the experience a positive one.
“Alone at last!” you and your spouse exclaimed when the last of your kids flew the coop to take on such formerly alien concepts as rent, utility bills, and car payments. But wait. Who’s that familiar face coming up the walk with suitcases in hand? It’s your grown progeny!
These days, many so-called “empty nesters” now find themselves with at least one grown child living at home.
Some pundits refer to these adult children as the “boomerang” generation. These adult children living at home are returning in record numbers.
Some come back hoping to save money for school. Others return so they can take time to search for the perfect job. Still others may have personal problems and need a refuge.
If you and your spouse find yourselves with adult children living at home, there are practical steps you can take to minimize conflict and strengthen family bonds.
Before any move-in, have a family meeting. Discuss mutual expectations and establish house rules to prevent misunderstandings and friction.
If you don’t approve of overnight guests, blaring stereos, bad language, questionable religious practices, the use of drugs or alcohol, etc., then make those expectations clear before your son or daughter moves in.
Depending on the circumstances, you might want to draft a brief “contract.” Outline the conditions that adult children living at home must meet to live under your roof. Have your son or daughter indicate by signature that they agree to your terms. Inform them (lovingly) that if the rules are broken, eviction may follow.
Ask questions. How long does your son or daughter envision staying with you? What would you both consider reasonable rent? If rent is not an issue, how will he/she contribute to the cost of food and household expenses? What chores will they be expected to carry out? The rules for your grownup kids will be different than when you were rearing them.
Generally speaking, curfews aren’t appropriate for an adult. As long as your adult children living at home act responsibly, they deserve the same liberty to come and go as any adult. Respect their personal boundaries and preferences.
Of course, some situations are more complicated. You don’t want to enable a grown child who’s looking to avoid adult responsibilities. If your daughter seems too comfortable at home, setting a move-out deadline (and sticking to it) may be necessary. Knowing the clock is ticking at the “Mom and Pop Hotel” may be just the motivation she needs to get serious in her job search.
What about an adult child with more serious problems? If your son or daughter shows symptoms of mental or emotional illness, is doing drugs, or shows signs of an addiction, intervention may be the only option. Don’t be afraid to seek help from a qualified Christian counselor, mental health agency, or other trained professional.
Generally speaking, most kids are just looking for a temporary retreat while figuring out their next step. If you want to maintain a healthy relationship with your adult child, consider these tips:
Trust your adult children to make wise choices, even if they sometimes don’t. They’ll eventually figure things out. After all, didn’t you learn much the same way?
Squelch the impulse to give advice unless it’s asked for. That’s easier to do when your kids are out of your radar range, but when they’re sleeping just down the hall, self-censorship can be more difficult. You don’t want to sound like a nagging broken record of “You shouldn’t have” and “Why didn’t you?”
Communication is key. Set a regular time to discuss issues, clarify expectations, or simply clear the air. Pray together regularly.
Practice grace — everyone. We all have bad days. Three or more adults living in one house is a challenge whether you’re related or not. Give each other some space!
We all need a refuge from time to time in our lives. Your kids should know that home is a safe and accepting place. Adult children living at home can land there when they need to regroup. Be thankful that your kids like you enough to want to come home. Your dream of an empty nest can wait a bit longer. Besides, you may actually enjoy this chance to relate to your children as grownups — just like you.
We’ve been hearing more about “boomerang kids” lately — young adults who, due to a bad economy, dearth of jobs, or for a variety of other reasons, move back home with mom and dad after a season of independence.
Boomerang kids are part of a rapidly growing trend. According to a Pew Research Center analysis, as of 2021, approximately 57% of young adults aged 18 to 24 live with their parents. This increase has been influenced by economic instability and job losses, particularly due to the COVID-19 pandemic (Pew Research Center) (Pew Research Center) (Pew Research Center). Another study shows that 85% of college grads move back in after school is over.
I come to this scenario never having lived it myself. My mom died when I was still a boy. My father and stepfather left us. I’ve been on my own since my early teen years. The idea of being in my twenties and thirties and living with my parents is a foreign concept to me. However, I can only imagine this could make for a tough situation – for both parents and their children.
The underlying question is: How can parents help adult children without enabling them?
With the exception of a man leaving his parents to cleave to his wife, the Bible is largely silent on the specific topic of grown children in the home, and so I think we have to look to the larger principles in God’s Word for guidance. I’ll share three things, based on advice from Focus counselors, that parents of adult children might want to consider.
The Bible charges parents with certain objectives, and these don’t change just because your child grows up: we are to help our children become followers of Christ, godly men and women (Malachi 2:15; Ephesians 6:4).
Parents of adult children living at home should view their decision-making with this ultimate goal in mind. Doing this will provide clarity of thought and insight into when to provide “tough love,” when to speak or remain silent, or when to lend a helping hand or not.
Measure your child’s actions against the fruit of the Spirit. Ask yourself how your child is becoming equipped to one day become a husband or a wife, a father or a mother. Consider how what you do or say will impact your child’s walk with the Lord.
God clearly sets out expectations and boundaries regarding responsible behavior in the Bible. Parents should follow that example with their adult children (1 Tim 5:8; Gal. 6:5; 1 Cor. 13:11).
Before an adult child moves back in, talk through things like timeframes, rent, pitching in around the house, etc. The son or daughter moving back in isn’t a child anymore and shouldn’t expect mom or dad to meet their every need and want. Likewise, they shouldn’t expect parental help to last indefinitely.
If an adult child is already living at home, then parents should consider having this conversation sooner rather than later. The more time passes without clear boundaries, the more difficult it will be to rein in bad habits that may form.
In any case, these respectful conversations should continue periodically throughout the child’s stay.
Topics like these present a special challenge because there are as many special circumstances as there are sons and daughters. In the end, there is no list of rules parents can follow that will guarantee success – there are only guidelines that can help moms and dads navigate what might be a challenging season in life.
Because of this, may I encourage the parents of adult children with boomerang kids to pray constantly? Pray over your child. Pray over your own heart and actions. After all, in parenting or any other thing, God gives wisdom to anyone who lacks it and asks for it (James 1:5).
Roberta Rand Caponey is Senior Editor at Family Life Communications in Tucson, Ariz. She is formerly Online Editor of Focus Over 50.
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