Understanding our internal responses when a teen is disrespectful helps us choose God’s peace over inner chaos.
Estimated reading time: 8 minutes
I’m a parent of four teenagers. This means I buy chips and salsa in bulk, hit the sack before my children, and hold the “panic handle” in the passenger’s seat. It also means their rolling eyeballs threaten to pop out into my perpetually empty fridge.
Trust me: Though disrespect isn’t okay, it is common with teens.
What causes a teenager to be disrespectful?
There’s developmental brain chemistry at work here. In God’s wisdom, teenagers are beginning to differentiate: to become different-from-us, independent people. Not a fan of your 37-year-old playing video games on the basement couch all day? Differentiation is cheering you on.
Teens’ growing opposition, too, is one psychological “engine” pushing them to independence and living as not just a child and a follower, but a wise adult taking ownership of integrating faith with life.
Developmental psychologist Dr. Diana Divecha reports, “When teens feel over-controlled or coerced, or even when adults do too much for them, it can trigger ‘autonomy threat,’ which shuts down teens’ willingness to collaborate or engage. Threats to teens’ autonomy can cause them to feel less able, less trustworthy, and more childlike than adult-like. Autonomy threats also send negative messages about teens’ competence.”
Personally, I’ve found teenage stress, anxiety, and depression also rear their heads via disrespect. None of us thought 13 was a great age, no? Teens navigate steep learning curves of young-adult stresses, including adult sex drives, choices, and consequences. They do this with immature prefrontal cortexes handling impulse control, decision-making, planning, and social behavior.
Pick your battles. And consider the big picture: Maybe you wouldn’t want to punish a kid struggling with addiction for the swear word slipping out when they’re finally telling you their story.
But wait, there’s more to consider.
Author and podcast host Dave Wilson writes in No Perfect Parents, “Deep down, our teens are longing to be seen and accepted both for who they are and for who they are becoming. …Listening is the bridge… When we listen instead of always having to talk, we are saying something very important to our teens: ‘You are valuable to me, and I love you.’ When we simply cut them off with quick answers and rules, they feel unheard and unseen. Rebellion, isolation, and emotional distancing from one’s parents is often a result of being unheard by them.”
Maybe we build that bridge through hours at a Starbucks together. Or listening late at night when we’d rather be Netflixing. Or hearing a child’s heart when what comes out feels more like they’re throwing up on us.
Like any other relationship, it’s harder for teens to show disrespect when they sense our own empathy. Genuine curiosity. Respect (verbalized when possible! “I respect your need to…” “I have a lot of respect for the way you…”).
As Proverbs 23:26 puts it, “My son, give me your heart.”
One of my Teenage Parenting 101 Aha’s includes my needed transition from authority to influence and empowering. It’s not just the good choice my teens make that’s important, but how they journey to it, developing character from the inside out.
The authors of The Cure & Parents assert, “In an environment where parents only impose rules through their child’s adolescence, it can thwart and stunt them from learning to own their choices. So a compliant, immature child grows into a compliant, immature young adult.”
So offer teens the option of respectful disagreement. It might sound like:
“I hear that you [insert parent’s desire.] Can I offer a different perspective?”
“Okay. Can I ask a question about that?”
“I see why this is important to you. Is it possible I could try _____?”
God requires us all to honor our parents (Exodus 20:12). Yet I appreciate the question posed by Paul David Tripp: “Am I angry for God’s Kingdom, or my own?”
Jesus chose not to demand the respect His position deserved: “though he was in the form of God … [He] emptied himself, by taking the form of a servant” (Philippians 2:6-7). The same passage mentions, “Do nothing from selfish ambition or conceit, but in humility count [our teens] more significant than yourselves” (v. 3).
Gotta ask: Am I this kind of a humble parent?
Do I return a blessing for an insult (1 Peter 3:9)?
Does my gentle answer turn away wrath (Proverbs 15:1)?
Like God’s own description of Himself, am I “compassionate and gracious … slow to anger, abounding in love and faithfulness” (Exodus 34:6)?
Can I overlook an offense if it’s truly more loving for my family (Proverbs 19:11)?
Does my teen feel like I’m listening, responsive, and compassionate (as God is to me), even when they don’t get their way?
I’ve found I can look to Him for identity when I’m disappointed in my kids, or hurt, rejected, despised. He settles over me peace and patience in His long game when I’m straight-up afraid (Galatians 5:22). He counters my desire to nag, employ my scalding wit, or brandish the Bible-as-billy-club in an unredeemed effort to control.
We can establish respect without shaming–though it’s harder without wielding that sense of behavior-based disconnection and unworthiness.
Sometimes, my kids’ “autonomy threat” lessens when I openly discuss my own fears. “I’m concerned that if you drive right now, your anger could result in very painful consequences that could last a lifetime.”
The calm and restraint of godly humility is Tool #1 in a teenage parent’s toolbelt—as we model the esteeming behavior we long to see.
Jesus reminds, “Out of the abundance of the heart the mouth speaks” (Matthew 12:34). When a cup of orange juice is bumped, only juice spills. What’s coming out of kids’ mouths is a direct reflection of their hearts.
Though we want to train behavior, disrespect originates as a heart problem. Treat symptoms only, and you’ve still got disease.
Of course, my kids often think how they’re asking is 100% fine. Yet it’s important they understand how they’re coming across as a whole, including their nonverbals.
So deal with this at the heart level. Acknowledge and empathize with the heart behind your teen’s words. “What you’re asking is okay. I hear that you want___?. And I hear you might be feeling [insert emotion.] But how you’re asking isn’t okay.”
Rather than blaming statements focused on how your teen isn’t enough, try the classic “When you [insert teen’s action or words], I feel [insert emotion].”
Then consider offering a do-over, or more than one—perhaps in 20 minutes so the attitude can die down.
Consistent, spoken, and realistic boundaries and expectations with teens are a good thing. From creation to the Ten Commandments, God clearly believes boundaries = flourishing.
“Empowering my teen” ≠ 24-hour on-call maid, ATM, taxi driver, court jester, host, homework hotline, or BFF.
I gotta admit my desire to delight or appease or placate my child isn’t the same as truly loving them—as wanting what’s best for them in the long game. Rude, entitled teens can grow into rude grown-ups, maybe who lose jobs or marriages.
I want my kids to respect others’ boundaries. Even if I forgot where I put mine.
Statistically, it takes 20 minutes (or up to 60) for both of your brains to cool off from fight/flight/freeze—a state which isn’t going to be either of your holiest selves.
Remember what it’s like to get a letter from the IRS? They don’t have to yell to make you sweat.
When your teen isn’t responsive or reactions are over the top, use preplanned responses and developmentally-appropriate consequences—a measured amount of discomfort—to help calmly establish boundaries. (If your child gets more angry, it’s not a sign you’re doing it wrong.)
Maybe for that social butterfly, it’s grounding, or locking certain apps on their phone. Maybe you take away the phone, the keys, the screens, the weekend plans.
Is it any wonder teens are disrespectful?
North American culture demands little respect of my kids. My country was actually founded on some degree of rebellion. Yet other generations and global cultures tend to expect, and receive, more respect.
Everyone’s under earthly authority of some kind all their lives. Even Jesus was under authority (John 5:19). Scripture asserts, “Let everyone be subject to the governing authorities, for there is no authority except that which God has established. The authorities that exist have been established by God. Consequently, whoever rebels against the authority is rebelling against what God has instituted, and those who do so will bring judgment on themselves… It is necessary to submit to the authorities, not only because of possible punishment but also as a matter of conscience” (Romans 13:1-2, 5).
Heart-level submission to and respect for authority are gifts that open doors for the rest of their lives.
When a teen is disrespectful, let’s work on consistent, thoughtful, biblically-based responses, filled with the power and grace of God’s Spirit.
Janel Breitenstein is an author, freelance writer, and speaker. After five and a half years in East Africa, her family of six returned to Colorado, where they continue to work on behalf of the poor with Engineering Ministries International. To learn more about Janel, visit janelbreitenstein.com.
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