Focus on the Family with Jim Daly

Rich Griffith: We see the rest of the story. It, it, God does fire and He does the earthquake and He does a great wind. And it says, “God’s not in any of those things. He’s in the whisper.” And I think this is part of adopting kids and kids learning trust. We gotta mind ourselves to allow God to be heard through a whisper, not our noise.

End of Preview

John Fuller: That’s Rich Griffith, and he’s with us today on Focus on the Family with Jim Daly to show you how to help your children to really listen well to the positive voices and, uh, reject the negative voices around them.

Jim Daly: John, I’m really looking forward to the program today ’cause parents, we need all the help we can get. I mean, this culture’s coming at us, social media, all the things that kind of tear at the relationship between parent and child. And Focus is here to help build that up for you, to equip you as a parent to do the best job you can do, knowing there are gonna be times we feel like utter failures. Believe me, I know I do. And John, I’m sure you do too.

John: Yeah, so many times.

Jim: I mean, we’re just regular dads in so many ways, even though we get to sit with experts and hear them out. But, uh, this is part of just living in this world, and we want to make sure that we are giving you Christ-centered resources. I think the thing about Focus, John, that so many people that come to visit us here in Colorado Springs say is, “Wow, I had no idea Focus was doing all this.”

John: Mm-hmm.

Jim: We’re here for you. We are a treasure trove of help for you in your parenting journey. So right from the get-go, just call us and ask us the questions you have.

John: Mm-hmm.

Jim: And we’ll send to you those resources that’ll be most helpful. Today, we’re gonna talk about helping your child know the right voices to listen to with a great guest.

John: Yeah. Rich Griffith is a part-time pastor and also associate professor of youth ministry. Uh, he’s got three boys and he wrote a really wonderful little book called Voices: Helping our Children and Youth Listen to Wise Counsel. And, uh, boy, that’s an amen kind of topic right there.

Jim: (Laughs) Yeah, no kidding.

John: Get a copy of the book from us or reach out for help in any way. Our number is 800-A-FAMILY, and we’ve got further details at focusonthefamily.com/broadcast.

Jim: Rich, welcome to Focus on the Family. Good to have you.

Rich: Thank you. So glad to be here. Honored.

Jim: Now, you’re an, a former Army guy, right?

Rich: Yes, sir (laughs).

Jim: You must be happy with their football season. The last season they did pretty well.

Rich: It’s probably pretty good. I’m actually, I’m, I hate to say it, but I’ma, I’ma offend people already. I’m a Bulldog fan, but we didn’t pull it off, so…

Jim: (laughs) There’s plenty of people that are gonna say, “Yay!” But-

Rich: That’s true.

Jim: … you look like an Army guy.

Rich: Oh, thank you.

Jim: So what did you do in the Army?

Rich: I actually was a chaplain assistant.

Jim: Oh, that’s great.

Rich: So yeah, it was pretty interesting line of work.

Jim: Yeah.

Rich: So, yeah.

Jim: So now you’re out. Tell us about your three sons. My three sons-

Rich: Yeah.

Jim: … you’re living the dream.

Rich: (laughs) S- It sounds like the old show, doesn’t it? Um, well, uh, I have my oldest son, who is 25, Aaron, and my middle son who, Dylan, he’s 22. And Jamie, my 16-year-old, I kind of call him my late birth, uh, 16 years old. And, uh, it’s really interesting how that story happened, sort of like a Hosea and Gomer moment. I’m like, “God, are you sure about this-

Jim: Mm-hmm.

Rich: … This does not seem right.” Uh, but when he called me to do it, I, I fought the call to adopt for four years. And I’ll tell you who was a significant impact on thought of adoption, was Focus on the Family.

Jim: Yeah.

Rich: But I thought, “Well, what am I gonna do as a single person?” Um, you know, in that fight to resist, you know, instead I sponsored a Compassion child. I thought, “Well, that’s good enough, right, God?”

John: Yeah.

Rich: God’s like, “Well, that’s great. Keep it up. That’s not what I asked you to do.” And so, you know, went through a long process and realized that by the time a child reaches eight years old, that’s second grade, 90% of those children age out of the system.

Jim: Yeah. They won’t be adopted.

Rich: They won’t. And it’s heartbreaking. And of those that age outta the system, 50% will either wind up incarcerated, homeless, sex trafficked or dead.

Jim: Yeah.

John: Mm-hmm.

Rich: And it’s really, really sad. So I thought as I was doing that research, I’m like, “Well, how can I not do something?”

Jim: Yeah. Rich, let me ask you that, and I know this isn’t the core of the book, but just that decision, because I know some people are going, “Wow, you adopted as a single man. There’s not a mom in the home, et cetera.” But you start looking at the spiritual rationale for this.

Rich: Mm-hmm.

Jim: You got that right out of the Book of James.

Rich: Mm-hmm.

Jim: I’m sure most people, single parents that perhaps are single parents not by desire, a death or divorce or whatever may have happened, and they struggle and they look through that lens of this is such a burden and it’s hard. And it is.

John: Mm.

Jim: And I am the product of a single mom.

John: Mm-hmm.

Jim: Um, you know, so I get that. She had five kids, believe it or not. But in that context, you purposefully did this. I just wanna understand that, um, so people can get it. You know, you can do so much as a single person.

Rich: Yeah. Yeah. I would say though, don’t enter it lightly. I mean, obviously I say, “Running for four years,” but that was part of the not entering it lightly. It’s really reformed my theology and how I think about family and family ministry because reality is, for so many years we’ve been defining family ministry by ages and stages, but we haven’t been defining it theologically.

John: Hmm.

Rich: And you know, Jesus said, “Who are my mother, brothers and sisters? It’s those who do the will of God.” Well, if I’m gonna be a part of His family, I need to do part of the will of God, which is James 1:27. I will say, though, as a single parent, it’s not the easiest thing to do. And I do think it’s better for children to still have two parents. I mean, in an ideal world, right, there’s the ideal and there’s the real. And so what I have done is made sure, and that’s part of the book that we’re covering, I made sure that I put godly voices in the lives of my other kids. They all had mentors, they all had other people they can call to, because it kept me honest. Right? If I ever lose my temper, I remember one time I lost my temper with my oldest son, and it was not the most godly (laughs) approach. And I had to go, I’m a full believer in accountability up front, so I went to some of the men in our church, took my son with me and said, “Here’s what happened. I blew it. I lost my temper.” And I get emotional talking about this. “And I need you men to speak wisdom into our lives.”

John: Mm-hmm.

Jim: Wow. What an illustration for your son to be right by your side.

Rich: Yeah. Yeah.

Jim: That’s pretty cool.

Rich: Yeah. They’re a part of it.

John: Yeah.

Jim: Totally. And again, just to reiterate, when you look at the number, especially in foster, the number of kids that age outta the system that never get a forever home, as we like to call it, man, that’s amazing that you reached in and you said, “Okay, I’m gonna take these three boys.” That’s three lives that are changed, and you’re having a great impact. So thank you for that.

Rich: Mm-hmm.

Jim: And thank you for even mentioning Focus’s role in that. That’s-

Rich: Yeah, for sure.

Jim: … something we started here at Focus, uh, Wait No More.

John: Yeah.

Jim: And it’s, uh, you know, one of the things we do is-

John: Mm-hmm.

Jim: … uh, supply suitcase, teddy bear and a Bible-

Rich: Yeah.

Jim: … for foster kids and-

Rich: That’s so important, given those trash bags.

Jim: … people can support that.

John: Yeah.

Rich: Mm-hmm.

Jim: Oh, we’ve, we’ve distributed like 40,000 suitcases.

Rich: Wow.

Jim: Well, with the help of everybody pitching in, so that’s a big number.

Rich: Can I say something about that? You said that we support that, and that’s the thing about adoption, not everybody is called to adopt. But as the church-

John: Mm-hmm.

Rich: … can you support a family who is adopting? Right. Can you be, again, I’m trying to define not just church and family, but church as family.

Jim: Yeah.

Rich: And that’s so crucial in this day and age.

John: Mm-hmm.

Jim: Well said. Well said. Let’s get into the book content. Uh, why is teaching our kids how to use discernment in who they listen to so important?

Rich: Yeah. Well, you know, I think when you and I were growing up, we didn’t have as many voices speaking to the lives, uh, like our lives, like we do the lives of our young people, right?

Jim: I can remember 13 television stations and-

Rich: Right, right. Yeah.

Jim: … four radio stations.

Rich: Yeah, right, exactly.

John: (laughs).

Rich: Yeah. It wasn’t very many. And so now-

Jim: Gilligan’s Island.

Rich: Right. Oh man, that takes me back.

Jim: (laughs) Yeah.

Rich: Just sit right back.

Jim: (laughs) Right?

Rich: Um, so I think what I’ve started to realize, my doctorate is in youth, family and culture through Fuller Theological Seminary.

Jim: Okay.

Rich: And it just got me on this path. And again, my kids changed the direction of my study. And so I think what I started realizing is, particularly in today’s day and age, uh, the guest you had on just earlier with deconstruction of faith and stuff, de- deconstructed Christianity, there are just too many voices in the lives of our young people. It has been said that parents are the primary faith influencers of their children. And I don’t know if the research has been done on that yet. I would love for somebody to do that research, but I’m not sure that’s so much true. And the reason being is not just ’cause social media, that’s a ton of other voices. Right? But I think the church has done a poor job, and I don’t mean this disparagingly, but we have not discipled our parents strong enough to-

John: Mm-hmm.

Rich: … disciple our children. And so really a lot of this book is written about do discipleship as you go. Let’s stop professionalizing ministry and feel like we hold the keys to the kingdom. Right? Let’s empower parents. And I love the question, and when my, when I ha- when I tell my students, the college students where I teach, I’m like, “The only dumb question is the unasked question-

Jim: Uh-huh.

Rich: … ’cause you’ll never get the answer.”

Jim: Right (laughs).

Rich: And if I don’t know the answer-

John: Mm-hmm.

Rich: … that is a great invitation to say, “Let’s go find the answer together.”

Jim: Yeah.

Rich: And you join in a spiritual development journey with your children. And it, it shows humility, it shows that you don’t know all the answers, but you’re willing to discover ’em with your children.

Jim: You know something that I was shocked by, uh, a person at Fuller, Dr. Kara Schwab, uh, you know, she did this research and she noted that parents, for the teen years, parents have a tremendous amount of influence-

John: Mm-hmm.

Jim: … in their teenager’s life.

John: Mm-hmm.

Jim: That seemed counterintuitive to me as well. But isn’t it interesting that the children still make a space there for the parents, even though they got all these other voices-

Rich: Sure.

Jim: … going on, that in most cases that is gonna be the link that’s the tightest.

Rich: Absolutely. Yes.

Jim: And especially if the parent’s being a good parent.

Rich: Right.

Jim: Not a perfect parent-

Rich: Right.

Jim: … but a good parent. So how can parents be that strong voice, develop into being that strong voice with their children as they grow up? And why don’t we just take it that way, take it like single digit age-

Rich: Mm-hmm, mm-hmm.

Jim: … preteen and then teen.

Rich: Yeah. I think when they’re younger, again, matter of fact, there’s a different book I wrote on this too, but there are stages of, uh, you think of Erik Erikson’s psychosocial development and stages, trust versus mistrust, right?

John: Mm-hmm.

Rich: So when the children are younger, the foundational thing you can do is you have to build trust with your child, right?

Jim: Yeah.

Rich: And so in the book, I use three filters, um, time, transparency, and trust. And this is something that is really weighing in our culture. Like for instance, and, and this is, I, I know you talked about single digit, double digit, but the reality is we’re becoming a busier and busier society. And so the problem is, one of the questions I ask is, for the children, who spends the most time with the children? Who gives them time, right? So the first group that we talk about are actually parents and grandparents. There’s a lot of grandparents that are-

Jim: Yeah.

Rich: … re-parenting their, their grandchildren.

Jim: Mm-hmm.

Rich: So who spends the most time, not taking time, but investing time in you? And then after that you ask the question is, who’s the most transparent? So with your children at age-appropriate levels, you’re transparent. Right? My boys coming outta the system, I think I’m the first adult who ever said to them, “I’m sorry.”

Jim: Right. I’m sure.

John: Hmm.

Rich: The tragedies that happened to them and just to hear an adult say, “I’m sorry because of things that happened,” they’re like, “Well, you had nothing to do with it.” I said, “No, I’m sorry that it happened to you, and it’s not meant to be this way.”

Jim: Yeah.

Rich: And so transparency. And then as you, they get older, you know, your kids are gonna ask you questions and that, you know, “Did you ever smoke pot? Did you ever drink?” Right. Did you ever whatever? Well, and you have to be transparent and honest with ’em, right? Now, I’m not saying go tell ’em your deepest, darkest sins, right? But you have to be transparent with ’em. Well, and if there’s time, there’s transparency, then that builds trust.

Jim: Yeah.

Rich: And with that trust, that’s the voice they’re going to listen to.

Jim: Yeah.

Rich: If you’re not spending time with your children, if you’re not being transparent, why would they trust you? So I’ll take the flip side ’cause I don’t know how much time we’ll have with all this. But, look at social media. Many, many, I mean, literally millions of voices, right? So does social media give our kids time? Does it invest in our kids? No. It’s a product that’s consumerism. I talk about that. It’s somebody pushing their agenda. So it doesn’t give time. It takes time.

Jim: Uh-huh.

Rich: Matter of fact, it actually in some ways can destroy your time. Right? Is it transparent? Well, that’s almost a laughable point. And that, (laughs) there’s not much social media out there that is transparent.

Jim: Right. It’s one-way communication.

Rich: Exactly. And again, it’s pushing an agenda.

Jim: Yeah.

Rich: The other part of, comes out of is then if it’s not, if it’s not giving you time, if it’s not transparent, why would you trust it? So these are conversations you have as a parent.

Jim: But in that context, let me just say, you know, when you’re working with teens and twenty-somethings my experience, they do tend to trust it.

Rich: Yeah.

Jim: They believe what is said sometimes, even blindly.

Rich: Mm-hmm.

Jim: And so describe that for that battle for the parent that, you know, their son or daughter are always saying, “Yeah. But I heard the other day on social media, Professor So-and-so said this.”

John: Hmm.

Rich: Well, you know, the funny thing is it’s not just kids that fall for that. It’s adults-

Jim: Yeah, okay.

Rich: … that fall for it. Right?

Jim: That’s a good point (laughs).

Rich: I mean, how many-

Jim: Us adults.

Rich: And, uh, yeah, I know. And I think it’s because we have to challenge our kids to be, one of the voices I talk about is a godly voice. Right? Uh, let’s stop looking at the church in America, the Western church, and saying, “That’s how all churches function.” Right? When you take your kid on a mission trip and they see how other churches function and how they sing and how they worship and, you know, they still connect with the Spirit of God even though it’s different. So I think, you know, we all had it growing up. We had that immortal sense that nothing’s ever gonna happen to me. And all these voi- They don’t have the filters to actually discern what is real and what isn’t. So again, it’s opening up conversation with ’em, “So what do you think about that?”

Jim: Yeah, that’s good.

Rich: What does the Bible say about it?

Jim: Yeah, let’s go there.

Rich: Yeah, yeah.

Jim: That’s the key thing. You mentioned in the book a bulldozer parent, and I mentioned this to Jean this morning as I’m reading the book and looking at the prep. And she was like, “Oh, yeah, that’s gotta be a parent that just bowls over the child.”

Rich: Mm.

Jim: But then when I looked at it, that was not it.

Rich: Right.

Jim: It was one who makes things too easy perhaps.

Rich: Right.

Jim: That’s what you mean.

Rich: Absolutely. Well, it went from a helicopter parent.

Jim: Yes.

Rich: You know, that, the one who hovers over everything, you know, stuff like… to a bulldozer parent where we have, um, become, uh, kind of an unhealthy codependency-

Jim: Yeah.

Rich: … where the parents will bulldoze any challenges and struggles out of their kids’ way-

Jim: To make it easier.

Rich: … to make it easier. Right. And they go in with a good intent.

John: Mm-hmm.

Rich: But it really does more damage ’cause the kid does not know… So this whole process, the primary task of adolescence is, uh, identity formation. So with all the voices, this is why adolescence is now defined as starts in puberty, 10 years old, and ends now, y’all wanna take a guess at when it ends? You’re, you’re, you’re educated people. You may already know this.

John: (laughs)

Jim: It’s probably gonna be 25 or something.

John: Yeah.

Jim: … like that.

Rich: Yeah. 29.

Jim: Oh, wow.

Rich: 29. So prefrontal cortex, 24, logical decision making. But 29 is when you’re, they’re waiting to meet social markers. So adolescence starts in biology and ends in social markers. So we know that kids are waiting longer to get married, kids are waiting longer to, you know, get out of the house, all, all these things. Right? So it goes to your question is, so we, we, even, even in Christianity, we’ve talked about how do we help our kids become healthy, independent adults? That’s wrong. Codependency is unhealthy. Independence is unhealthy. What we need to teach is a healthy interdependence.

John: Mm.

Rich: Interd- In other words, my actions impact you, your imp- actions impact me, impact others. So this is the, the beauty of the church as family is we understand that our relationships are vital to each other to point each other to our continued growth in Christ.

John: Mm-hmm. This is Focus on the Family with Jim Daly. And our guest today is Rich Griffith. And we’re talking about some of the concepts in his book, Voices: Helping our Children and Youth Listen to Wise Counsel. And you can get a copy of that book from us here at the ministry. Our number is 800-A-FAMILY, or stop by focusonthefamily.com/broadcast.

Jim: Rich, let me, uh, reiterate this, the 101 aspect of this, why are mentor’s so important?

Rich: Yeah. I, I think for the reason that my kids need another voice other than mine, especially as a single dad. Uh, my youngest son has a, a spiritual mentor, Ms. Harriet. Jamie will do things for Ms. Harriet that I can’t get him to do at my house.

John: Mm-hmm.

Rich: So like for instance, he, he went and actually sanded and scrubbed down her deck.

Jim: Wow.

Rich: But she does things for him, like she will teach him how to bake brownies and stuff like that. Right. And again, this is, she was a church member, very things in common. Well, here’s the interesting thing about that. My mother lives all the way down in Florida, so it’s not easy to get with Grandma. So Ms. Harriet kind of serves as a spiritual grandma. We call, uh, Ms. Harriet his adoptive God-grandmother. And so what happened is his school was having a sock hop dance. They still do that, believe it or not.

John: Uh-huh.

Rich: And so he didn’t know who to invite, grandparents. So he says, “Ms. Harriet, would you come and be a part of the sock hop dance?” Well, of course, she said yes. But she went above board. She went out, got the material, made the full poodle skirt, the blouse-

John: Oh my gosh.

Rich: … the neckerchief, the shoes, everything. She was the belle of the ball. And they got their picture in the yearbook and stuff like that.

Jim: (laughs).

Rich: And this is the kinda relationship they have. Well, Ms. Harriet is obviously going to also build those foundational teaching and lessons in my son’s life that he needs from a female perspective.

John: Mm-hmm.

Jim: Yeah.

John: And, uh, along those lines, Rich, um, not, not only do we have to help our kids understand the wisdom of-

Rich: Mm-hmm.

John: … of like-minded mentors, but God’s Word is fundamental.

Rich: Yeah.

John: And you know, I think a lot of our kids are expecting to hear a voice. So how-

Rich: Right.

John: … do we help them understand His voice comes through His Word, His spirit?

Rich: Mm, yeah. It’s interesting, even in the book on the fifth voice I put on the positive voices, believe it or not, God is last. Now, He’s really first, but I put Him last because how our children hear how we represent God, how mentors represent God, that points them to God, right?Circumstances, scripture, all these things. Uh, so one of the things that really happened in teaching my sons to do as we were doing discipleship as we go, one of the things we’d do, we’d get in the car, I’d take them to school every day, drive ’em home, great conversation, captive audience, right? So he would read, we’d go through the Gospel of John or the Book of Psalms. And this is really important for a, an adopted kid. We were going through the Book of Psalms, probably somewhere around Psalm 18. I would always ask the question… He’d read it, of course. I keep my eyes open when we were praying and stuff. I’m driving. And I would always ask him, “Well, what does this mean to you?” And so after about going through this several times, get to Psalm 18. And then I finally asked him the question again, “Well, what does this, all this mean to you?” He said, “Dad, dad, I get it.” Okay. He says, “The psalmist is always writing about how things are really tough and all his friends have abandoned him. And he wants to smash the teeth in of his enemies and stuff like that.” And he said, “But then he always ends, but you are my rock and my fortress.” And I said, “Okay, that’s great. What…” I’m not trying to get emotional. I said, “But what does that mean to you?” Now, this is coming from a kid adopted outta the system. He said, “Dad, what it tells me is God will never leave me or forsake me no matter what.”

Jim: Totally connecting the dots.

Rich: Oh man, it was a powerful-

Jim: Yeah.

Rich: … moment.

Jim: Yeah.

Rich: Yeah. So I think teaching them scripture by modeling it and living it out. Like I said, we’ve professionalized ministry, and I think that’s why a lot of parents are intimidated to how do I disciple my kids? Well, Deuteronomy, uh, 6-

Jim: Six?

Rich: … 4 through 9 talks about as you go, as you lay down, as you get up, put ’em on your doorposts. That’s the community part. Right? Put ’em on your door frames and on your gates. So I think this is the partnership we need to have is it’s basically living out the Bible.

Jim: Yeah.

Rich: So…

Jim: It’s so good. I want to ask you again, ’cause we’re not doing our PhD at Fuller-

Rich: Mm-hmm.

Jim: … but the voice of God and the des- the way you describe it in the book-

Rich: Yeah.

Jim: … the, the forms that that take-

Rich: Yeah.

Jim: … uh, describe that.

Rich: Yeah. I looked at, I used the example of Elijah. You know, he has done some great things for God, and he sees these miracles. He takes on the prophets of Baal, and you know, God does this great fire. And, but then Jezebel says, “By the end of day, I’m gonna kill you.” And what does he do? He runs. You ever had that great moment in ministry, you had a great moment, but then there’s like, depression afterwards? So Elijah runs, but here’s the, what I love about this is God doesn’t chastise him. Matter of fact, when Elijah is so exhausted, he says, “I’m the only one left,” right? The pity party, right? I’m the only one left. And so God doesn’t say… He sends an angel, He feeds him, says, “Rest, your journey’s too much.” He does it a second time. And then I love this because of seeing God’s Word come alive, right?

John: Mm-hmm.

Rich: God says, “I’m about to reveal myself to you.” And we see the rest of the story. It, it’s God does fire and He does the earthquake and He does a great wind. And it says, “God’s not in any of those things. He’s in the whisper.” And I think this is part of adopting kids and kids learning trust. We gotta mind ourselves to allow God to be heard through a whisper, not our noise.

Jim: Right.

Rich: Right. And just so being compassionate and understanding our kids went through trauma and they’re exhausted. You know, and the, I hate to say this, you don’t have to be a kid coming out of foster care to experience trauma. Our kids are experiencing trauma almost every day with all these different voices coming in their life.

Jim: Yeah.

Rich: So I think that’s what I look at too. And I say, this is how we live out the scripture in community as a church, as parents. And, and look, I always remind people, you may feel like you blow it. Adam and Eve had God and they, they still did their own thing.

John: Mm-hmm.

Jim: Share the story of your son’s bad decision about getting-

Rich: Mm-hmm.

Jim: … along with his friends on a car ride.

Rich: Yeah.

Jim: I think you put that-

John: Yeah.

Jim: … in the book for a purpose.

Rich: Y- yes, sir. Yes, sir. So my middle son had called me at work and he said, “Dad, can I go into our town, Helen, can I go into town, hang with a friend?” I said, “Yes. Just, you know, again, where are you gonna be? What time are you coming back?” He said, “I’ll be back around five o’clock.” Fine. So, uh, I get home and he’s already home. And I’m kinda like, “Well, this is kinda interesting.” It was early. I said, “Are, are you okay? You’re home early.” He said, “I’m not feeling well.” I’m like, “Okay.” So we, stabilities, uh, we have routine that we have. 5:30, we usually have dinner and stuff. We have things in our table. Put your phones down, all that stuff. He said, “I’m not hungry.” I’m like, “Okay.” And I could tell he wasn’t feeling well. He said, “I got a really bad headache.” So I had a church meeting that night, uh, afterwards. And I get a call from the principal at his school and she said, “Mr. Griffith, I just wanna make sure that Dylan’s okay.” And I said, “Well, why? What’s wrong?” She said, “You didn’t know? He was in a really bad accident with a bunch of his friends.” And it hit me all of a sudden. The reason he had the headache and he was tired is he had a concussion. After she gave the description of-

Jim: Yeah, right.

Rich: … what went on, he had a concussion. So my thing is, I wasn’t worried about consequences or chewing him out. I was worried about his health. And dummy me, I let him go to sleep, but I didn’t know. Right?

Jim: Right.

Rich: So I wake him up, I said, “Look, I know what happened and stuff like that.” I said, “I’m not concerned about that right now. We’ll talk about that later. We’re getting you to a hospital. We need to get you checked out and stuff like that.” Long story short, at the end of it, we go through the whole process. There are consequences, obviously, that he has and stuff like that. But one of the things he said to me at the end is, uh, a couple years later, he said, “Dad,” he said, “The moment I knew that you loved me was when you were more concerned about me, rather than the dumb decision that I did.”

Jim: Mm-hmm.

Rich: “And I knew that you loved me because you didn’t want to talk about the consequences. You just wanted to get me help.”

Jim: You know, it’s so critical that we understand exactly what you’re saying there as parents, because we’re quick to correct-

Rich: Mm-hmm.

Jim: … but sometimes you need to be slow to correct and quick to be concerned.

Rich: Mm-hmm. Yeah.

Jim: And that’ll speak volumes to your child, especially your teenager.

Rich: And that’s where the trust comes from.

Jim: Yeah.

Rich: Right? That if they know you have their best interests at heart, and that doesn’t mean you’re gonna remove, you’re not gonna be the bulldozer parent. Right? But you have their best interest. Sometimes they gotta go through the valley to grow. So I think that’s one of the things I’m look, I look at at this book is, you know, we can’t protect our children from everything. We gotta trust that they’re in God’s hand ultimately.

John: Mm-hmm.

Jim: It’s so tough.

Rich: It is.

Jim: You know, Rich, right at the end here, this is like the last question. And I, again, I so appreciate the content of the book. It’s a great parenting book, whether it’s with foster children or bio kids. The idea of identity-

Rich: Mm-hmm.

Jim: … uh, ’cause so much of what you’re describing as I’m hearing you, it’s creating for that child an identity.

Rich: Right.

Jim: You know, the goal here is an identity in Christ.

Rich: Mm-hmm. Right.

Jim: Your worth, your value as a human being created in the image of God. And then, what’s our responsibility in behaving like we’re made in the image of God?

Rich: Yeah.

Jim: And to do that successfully in modern culture-

Rich: Mm.

Jim: … it’s a lot tougher.

Rich: Yeah.

Jim: Um, it’s not the village anymore, it’s the world-

Rich: No. Right.

Jim: … that we have to contend with and attention and behavior and all that.

Rich: Mm-hmm.

Jim: So in that context, why do Christian parents have the antidote?

Rich: Yeah. Because our identity is in Christ. Right? He is the one who created us. We’re created in the image of God. And so I do tell my kids, “Do you wanna be created in the image of the world or recreated in the image of the world? Right. Or you don- want to be created in the Imago Dei, the image of God?” What’s gonna give you temporary satisfaction? What’s gonna give you permanent satisfaction? Right?

Jim: Eternal.

Rich: What’s eternal? Exactly. That’s exactly right.

Jim: (laughs).

Rich: What, where is your eternal? And interestingly enough, the more culture’s doing what it’s doing, it’s not an accident that identity formation is being extended because kids don’t know who they are. I would say in our culture, our churches are in an identity crisis.

Jim: Wow.

Rich: We don’t know who we are because we’re getting the deconstruction thing. Right? We’re getting away from the Word. I want to constantly… This is why we do the devotion. My kids read the Word, we go over it.

Jim: Yeah.

Rich: Right? I want my kids to know their identity is in Christ and go back to that reminder. No matter what happens in life, God will never leave me or abandon me or forsake me. They know I love them, but they know that God loves them more.

John: Mm-hmm.

Rich: Why would they trade that for anything else in the world?

Jim: Yeah. So good, Rich. Thank you for being with us.

Rich: Thank you.

Jim: Thank you for this great resource, Voices: Helping Our Children and Youth Listen to Wise Counsel. Thank you for your example of jumping in the deep end of the pool, adopting out of foster care as a single dad. Wow.

Rich: I’m done.

Jim: (laughs).

Rich: Jesus and Sasquatch would have to knock on the door at the same time.

Jim: I so… Yeah.

Rich: But I prayed about it and the Lord said, “You’re good.”

Jim: Yeah. No, I-

Rich: (laughs).

Jim: Man, it’s just you’re a warrior spiritually-

Rich: Oh, thank you.

Jim: … and you did it physically in the Army.

Rich: Yeah.

Jim: So thank you for the illustrations. I hope you will get a copy of this book. The book’s called Voices, and it has more practical advice for dealing with the different influences we talked about today and has some questions for starting conversations with your kids. We have copies, uh, for you here at Focus on the Family. And when you make a monthly pledge of any amount, we’ll send you a copy as our way of saying thank you for being part of the support team. As we talked about today, there are so many voices speaking into you and your kids’ lives. Many of them are not trustworthy. Um, they’re not biblical either. But we at Focus on the Family are committed to speaking truth and providing trustworthy resources for Christian families. You can be a lifeline for those families and bring the hope of Jesus into the broken culture by joining us here at Focus on the Family. Those of you who give monthly are so important to keeping the ministry going throughout the year. And we know not everyone is in a place to give monthly. Um, if you can make a one-time gift, we’ll send the book as well.

John: Yeah. Pray about how you can join us and, uh, support this ministry. And then call and donate and get your copy of Rich Griffith’s book, Voices: Helping Our Children and Youth Listen to Wise Counsel. Our number is 800, the letter A, and the word FAMILY. You can also, of course, donate online and, uh, get details about the book when you click the link at focusonthefamily.com/broadcast. Well, next time we’ll hear from Gary Thomas as he explains the difference between loving your spouse and truly cherishing them.

Gary Thomas: And for me, the big difference is that love focuses me on my obligations. I need to sacrifice, I need to serve, I need to be faithful. Cherish focuses me on the beauty, the excellence, the worth, the wonder of my spouse.

John: On behalf of the entire team, thanks for listening to Focus on the Family with Jim Daly. I’m John Fuller, inviting you back as we once again help you and your family thrive in Christ.