Focus on the Family with Jim Daly

Preview:

Arlene Pellicane: So, it used to be, you know, when you’re in school, that you just have to… Between classes, right? You have to, like, perform, “Hi, how you doing?” You know, do all the stuff. But you’d go home and you can relax. But today, a kid has to perform all the time.

Jim Daly: Wow.

Arlene: Because now it’s not just in the hallway and class, but it’s, “I’ve gone home and I have my device and maybe I’m missing something, so I better make sure I’m not missing something,” and then in the middle of the night, like, “Maybe someone might say something, I don’t wanna miss that because then I’ll get to school in the morning and everyone will know about something and I won’t know about it.” So, it’s this constant feeling of missing something.

End of Preview

John Fuller: Arlene Pellicane joins us again today on Focus on the Family with Jim Daly. I’m John Fuller.

Jim: John, last time we talked about, you know, using smartphones and screen time with kids, and I said at the beginning of that program, “This is probably the number one thing that we get contacted by parents about.”

John: Mm-hmm.

Jim: They want to know, “What should I do?” And we did mention that last time, what experts are now saying for screen time for zero to two, which is none, uh, three to five, et cetera. So, if you missed it, uh, go back and get it from the smartphone app, (laughs).

John: Mm-hmm.

Jim: Or, you know, go to the, uh- the website and you can listen to that program. We’re gonna pick up the conversation today. I think we probably, not intentionally, p- probably scared a lot of parents with what we talked about. There’s solid data about brain development or poor brain development-

John: Mm-hmm.

Jim: … when it comes to too much screen time. And that’s part of it. We’ve got to be so much more mindful as parents today than, say, 20 years ago, 15 years ago. Uh, technology can destroy children, and we’re seeing that in the data, you know, loneliness and separation and cyber bullying and all those kinds of things. And when, uh, you know, use of screens goes up, empathy for children goes down, the ability to learn empathy. Again, we covered all that last time. Get it, but we’re gonna pick up today and talk more with our guest and her great book, Screen Kids: 5 Relational Skills Every Child Needs in a Tech-Driven World. Every parent needs a copy of this book.

John: Yeah, and it’s never too late to go back and address some shortcomings, uh, Arlene talked about that last time as well. Arlene Pellicane is a popular speaker and author, she’s got three kids, two of them adults, one, uh, in the teens, and she, along with Dr. Gary Chapman, wrote a terrific book addressing this topic. It’s called Screen Kids: 5 Relational Skills Every Child Needs in a Tech-Driven World. This is a terrific resource for you, and we have copies of it at focusonthefamily.com/broadcast.

Jim: Arlene, welcome back.

Arlene: So much fun to be here.

Jim: Always good to have you.

Arlene: Love being in the studio.

Jim: And, uh, you know, last time we did kind of do a little, uh, shock to the system of parents to say, “Here’s the data.” Let’s go back and just recap some of that data so that parents, uh, can be mindful of what- what it’s telling us. Uh, you know, the statistics are not supportive of too much screen time, that’s the bottom line. I mentioned that the surgeon general now is saying they want to have warning labels, basically, up there on the screen when kids and adults enter into social media platforms. That should be a signal-

Arlene: Yeah.

Jim: … that they wanna put a warning up. It’s about time, actually. I’ve watched some of those Congressional hearings where the owners of those platforms, whether it’s Facebook or, you name it, Snapchat, TikTok, they’re getting grilled by the Congress for the data they have that shows how they’re wiring kids today, hitting them with dopamine, with the addiction of staying engaged with their games or whatever it might be. It’s all thoughtful on their part-

Arlene: Yeah.

Jim: … to connect and hook these kids into their platforms. So, I’ve done some of the job, what else can you tell us about the statistics?

Arlene: Yeah. Yeah, you think about the average child being on a screen for amusement for eight hours a day.

Jim: Mm-hmm.

Arlene: I mean, what could you do with eight hours a day, right?

Jim: Let me shock you again.

Arlene: Yeah, (laughs).

Jim: I’ve read your book.

Arlene: Yes.

Jim: So, it said, you said in there, and you’ve looked at the research, that by the time a child is seven, they’ve already spent a year on screens.

Arlene: Yeah. And you’re just like… It’s like, “What?”

Jim: That’s sh- all of us should go, “What?”

Arlene: Yes.

Jim: I would think maybe a few months would be… Okay, I get that.

Arlene: Yeah.

Jim: They’ve already spent a year-

Arlene: Yeah.

Jim: … on screens by the time they’re seven?

Arlene: It’s crazy.

Jim: Wow.

Arlene: It is a crazy amount. And just think, what would happen if they put that time into a sport, into reading, into playing, like, this is what childhood is supposed to be.

Jim: Imagination.

Arlene: Imagination.

Jim: Yeah.

Arlene: Being a kid. And so there’s a new book called The Anxious Generation by Jonathan Haidt, who is a social psychologist, and he is really s- showing, from the research, that, my goodness, this mental health crisis, what happened, of this hockey stick that depression goes up in girls, anxiety goes up, uh, it goes up. Suicidal tendencies go up, you know, 163% for girls, 91% for boys. What is happening? What happened? And it was the advent of the smartphone and what he calls, “The great rewiring of childhood,” where we move from a play-based childhood to a phone-based childhood.

Jim: Mm-hmm.

Arlene: And in this, there are harms, and that’s what we have to realize as parents, that, okay, we don’t want the harm of our kid being ostracized. Let’s say that they are the 5% that they don’t have a phone, and 95% of the kids do. But guess what we’re signing them up for? We’re signing up for social deprivation, where they don’t have real friends, they just spend time with their device. We’re signing them up for sleep deprivation.

Jim: You know, Arlene, I’m thinking about, oh, my goodness, being a teenager way back when.

John: Mm-hmm.

Jim: And just how, uh, normally, uh, how loneliness crept in-

Arlene: Yeah.

Jim: … and- and feelings of inadequacy and… It’s so awkward, that age. Junior high, everybody remember that?

John: Mm-hmm.

Jim: Uh, PE class, you know, back when I was… (laughs), I mean, you had to shower in front of the other guys.

Arlene: Right, (laughs).

Jim: I mean, it was all that stuff.

Arlene: Right.

Jim: And you’re just- just so desperate. Now, on top of those things that, you know, for the most part are still occurring, now we add the phone with all the stuff going on, the cyber bullying and girls particularly, who are desperate for friendship and yet it’s so thin and so empty. Man, we’ve got to be mindful of what we need to do as parents, and we want our kids to have those strong relationships. So, how does that child… How do we unhook?

Arlene: Yeah.

Jim: Just think of that girl.

Arlene: Yes.

Jim: Just that 13-year-old girl, that that’s been her- her life. Ho- how does a mom-

Arlene: We’ve got the…

Jim: … say, “Okay,” or dad, “Okay-”

Arlene: Yeah.

Jim: “… we’re gonna start to kind of detox.”

Arlene: Mm-hmm.

John: Mm-hmm.

Arlene: We’ve got to give our kids a taste for something better, where then something else pulls them. So, it can be, you know, social media, and big tech does so well ’cause they observe your child all the time, what do they click on? What do they like?

Jim: Well, that’s interesting, they probably know your child better than you do.

Arlene: What in… They observe their child. Exactly.

Jim: Ha-

Arlene: So, you as a parent, observe your child. Spend a week, observe, ask them, “What are you looking at?” You know, “Why are- do you find that interesting?” And then you might find out, “Oh, my child is really interested in art,” or in mechanical engineering, or in fixing a car, or they might really enjoy learning a language or whatever it is. But, basically, observe your child and then find them activities in the real world that they can do so that now, instead of having a swath of eight hours, they have now a swath of four hours, (laughs). You know, like- like, fill their life with other things.

Jim: That takes some thought though.

Arlene: It takes some thought. But guess what? When you have your mind made up, ’cause what’s at stake?

Jim: Yeah.

Arlene: What’s at stake is your child growing up completely dependent on a screen.

Jim: Yeah. And in that context, again, that 13-year-old girl-

Arlene: Yeah.

Jim: … I’m thinking about that loneliness trap. The irony is as parents I think we see them connected, chatting with friends-

Arlene: Yeah.

Jim: … posting cute pictures. You rationalize, as the parent, “Oh, that’s good, they have friends.”

Arlene: Yeah.

Jim: But, again, the inverse is what’s happening. The loneliness index is going up for those kids. Explain, if researchers are finding out why, why- how could they be so highly connected-

Arlene: Mm-hmm.

Jim: … and so lonely, and increasingly lonely-

Arlene: Yeah.

Jim: … in that kind of context.

Arlene: Yeah, there was a… They did a research thing of 33,000 students in college, it should be the most social time of your life, and two out of the three report being lonely.

Jim: Mm-hmm.

Arlene: And I have to think of Jonathan Haidt’s, uh, what he writes in The Anxious Generation, in that when you’re online, it’s disembodied, so you’re not with a person, you’re just with a device, you’re not with a body.

Jim: It’s not the full experience.

Arlene: It’s not synchronous, a lot of times it’s not happening in realtime, you’re posting something and then you’re waiting for someone else to post. You’re communicating one to, like, the world, “Gee, I hope someone’s listening,” instead of one to one or one to a few. And it’s easy to jump in and out of relationships online, versus in real life, it takes time.

Jim: Yeah.

Arlene: To cultivate a real friendship, you have to spend time together, you have to do things together. So, they’re f- two very different experiences. So, if a kid has, you know, 500 followers, they might think, “Wow,” like, “I’m amazing,” but they did this thing where a Facebook person, they had a, you know, this… And it is an old study, that’s why I say a Facebook person, (laughs).

Jim: Yeah.

Arlene: But they had a real birthday party in real life, and they figured, “I’ve got, like, hundreds of followers,” and one person showed up.

Jim: Hmm.

Arlene: And that’s the- the-

Jim: Yeah.

Arlene: … the depth of it, right? Is, like, let’s say you get sick, who’s gonna come visit you? Who’s gonna tell you-

Jim: Yeah.

Arlene: … “I’m so sorry that your mom has cancer.” Who of your ‘friends’, quote, unquote, ‘friends’ online is gonna make an effort to reach out to you. Probably very few, right? Online.

Jim: Yeah, yeah.

Arlene: But in real life, if you have a friend in youth group, if you have one friend at school, if you have one friend you’ve grown up with since kindergarten and you still stay in touch, and you as a parent try to nurture that friendship as much as possible, that friend, they’ll still be your friend 15 years later. So, it’s so different, and that’s why kids are so lonely, because they are- have been sold this bill of goods, is to be social, is to have lots of followers and to look good-

Jim: Mm-hmm.

Arlene: … and have the status or be on a video game and do really well, but you don’t have real friends and you don’t have real skills.

Jim: Yeah.

Arlene: Real competence. And that really undermines the confidence of a child.

Jim: Well, you and Gary Chapman, as you wrote this book, did- did you have a discussion about temperament? I’m in-

Arlene: Mm-hmm.

Jim: … I’m always intrigued by temperament.

Arlene: Yeah.

Jim: Typically, we marry the person that is different from us-

Arlene: Mm-hmm.

John: Yeah.

Jim: … ’cause that’s what attracts us.

Arlene: Yeah.

Jim: And, you know, the Scripture talks about it as a completer, that person completing you, your wife completing you.

Arlene: Yes.

Jim: And, you know, it’s usually that obvious thing of introvert-extrovert and other things down the line, but in that introvert and extrovert space, especially for our teens online, do those temperaments play into that? I mean, I could see the extrovert-

Arlene: Yeah.

Jim: … which I am one, you know, going out there and posting everything, look at this, look at what I did yesterday, I mountain biked, I snow skied, whatever, and then the introvert is finding some connection there because it’s hard for them to relate-

Arlene: Yeah.

Jim: … in person, and it brings a benefit that they can express themselves easier because it’s not a fearful co- you know, one to one, face to face kind of thing.

Arlene: Yeah.

Jim: Is there any of that analysis out there?

Arlene: Yeah. We ha- we write about the shy child, you know, a lot of parents will say, “Oh, well, my…” You know, the- uh, the parent introduces their child to a friend, “Oh, s- say hi to Mr. Smith,” “Hi,” you know, and they won’t look up. “Oh, my child is just shy,” because, guess what?

Jim: Right.

Arlene: We’re really bad at eye contact right now because we’re looking down at screens a lot. And so a lot of times the kid is not shy, and we might think, “Oh, they’re an introvert, so they can’t talk to people, they’re very shy,” but it’s just their brain-

Jim: Well, and then we enable that.

Arlene: Then we enable that.

Jim: Yeah.

Arlene: We haven’t trained them-

Jim: Mm-hmm.

Arlene: … to overcome that, to say, “Oh, this is easy, let’s practice at home, just look me in the eyes-”

Jim: (laughs).

Arlene: “… shake my hand,” and practice that, right?

Jim: Yes.

Arlene: So, sometimes we just label it, like, “Oh, they’re an introvert, they’re shy, they’re gonna sit in their room, they’re gonna play video games, they’re gonna social media.”

Jim: And it’s good for them, we will say.

Arlene: And that it’s okay for them.

Jim: Mm-hmm.

Arlene: But then for… The- that parent has to say, “Wait, but they need those exercises in real life where I have to look at someone, I have to, like, step out of my comfort zone and shake someone’s hand and do those things,” and then for the extrovert, I think they would tend to more be like, “I can’t just sit in my room all day, I gotta go out and meet people.”

Jim: (laughs).

Arlene: But they also would be more prone to the criticism of, let’s say, they post something-

Jim: Yeah, “What you think of me.”

Arlene: … and it’s, like, yes-

Jim: (laughs).

Arlene: … “What you think of me,” or, like, “No one responded,” like, “Where’s the noise?”

Jim: Mm-hmm.

Arlene: You know, that that would be very hard to take. And that’s a lot for a 12-year-old, a 14-year-old, to have all that input. It’s too much input.

John: Yeah, great insights today on Focus on the Family with Jim Daly. Our guest is Arlene Pellicane, and, uh, along with Dr. Gary Chapman, she wrote this book, Screen Kids: 5 Relational Skills Every Child Needs in a Tech-Driven World. Get a copy of that book from us, and, uh, find other resources. We’ve got details at focusonthefamily.com/broadcast.

Jim: Arlene, you’ve identified, I think you call th- the five A-plus social skills every child-

Arlene: Yeah.

Jim: … needs. Give us the list of five-

Arlene: Yeah.

Jim: … and then we’ll go as deep as we can with the remaining time for each one.

Arlene: So, just think of your child, if they get A-pluses in school, yay.

Jim: (laughs).

Arlene: But, you know what, if they get these A-pluses, way better, and it’s to succeed relationally. Because at the end of life, you’re not gonna be like, “Oh, I killed it in Minecraft,” or, “I was the social media queen,” or… You’re gonna say, like, “Wh- who do I love and who loves me?”

Jim: Mm-hmm.

Arlene: So, the first A-plus skill is affection. Does your child know-

Jim: Mm-hmm.

Arlene: … how to give and receive love? Do they feel loved in real life? The next one is appreciation. Do they say thank you? Or do they say, “I want more,” or, “I want the yellow one,” or, you know, th- you give your kid a iPhone and they’re like, “This isn’t the latest one,” you know.

Jim: (laughs).

Arlene: So, gratitude, are they grateful? Anger management, your kid is gonna get mad, do they know how to manage it? Can they tell when they are being mad over a true injustice or they’re just mad ’cause they didn’t get their way? Apology, can your child apologize and mend a relationship? And the last one, attention, can your child take their wandering attention and listen to that teacher, listen to that pastor, read that book assignment. You know, kids, more than ever, they do not know how to pay attention unless it is on a screen, exploding, exciting, always changing, very edgy, et cetera. So, can your child just sit in nature and be fine?

Jim: Yeah.

Arlene: You know, can they do that?

Jim: Which is-

Arlene: Can they go on a camping trip-

Jim: Mm-hmm.

Arlene: … with no WIFI for four days and be completely fine and not complain about that? And that’s all the skill of attention.

Jim: And again, uh, a lot of the science is showing this is really beneficial to mental health.

Arlene: Yeah.

Jim: That idea of being in nature, yeah.

Arlene: Yes.

Jim: Let’s get through some of these. Affection, that was one you mentioned, you have a funny moment with your husband, James, (laughs).

John: (laughs).

Arlene: We have many funny moments, (laughs).

Jim: Where you… Yeah, yeah, but that he… You’re looking eyeball to eyeball.

Arlene: Yes, (laughs). These were the dating days.

Jim: He was- he was working on his affection development, but what happened?

Arlene: He’s looking at me during our dating and he says, “Do you know what I see when I look in your eyes?” “What do you see?” “I see the letters A-V, your contact lenses say, ‘A-V’,” and I popped out my contact lens-

Jim: (laughs).

John: (laughs).

Arlene: I looked at it in the bathroom, and I did not even know that on the ridge of the contact it said, ‘A-V’, and I was like, are you kidding me? This person is looking so deeply into my eye- he must have, like, super-

Jim: Well, I was gonna say-

John: Yes.

Arlene: … sight or something, I have no idea, that’s pretty good, right?

John: Yeah.

Jim: I’ve never noticed that.

Arlene: Right?

Jim: (laughs).

Arlene: So, I was like, “You are looking at me so directly,” and that’s what categorizes, like, when you fall in love.

Jim: Mm-hmm.

Arlene: You look at the person, you don’t tire of looking at the person. And so that eye contact is so important, it lets people know, “I care about you.” And it’s such an easy thing to give, right?

Jim: Yeah.

Arlene: It doesn’t cost you anything.

Jim: Totally.

Arlene: It’s the same amount of time, all you do is t- avert your gaze from your device, let’s say, to the person. But what happens years later? It’s like yo- everyone, husbands, wives, kids, everyone glued to devices, nobody knows what- e- uh, f- the co- no one even knows if you’re wearing contacts or glasses ’cause nobody’s looking at each other.

Jim: Right.

Arlene: So, this idea of eye contact, hugely important, and something you can do in your home is just say, “I’m gonna work on eye contact all week, that when I have a person entering my airspace,” I call it the pivot, “I will pivot away from my device, I will look at the person and say, ‘How are you?’” Or, you know, even at the doctor’s office, even in passing, when you’re in the grocery store, look up at the person approaching you-

Jim: Make eye contact.

Arlene: … make eye contact and say, “Good afternoon.” Like, it’s such a very small thing, but it helps break this trance of we’re just all alone with our screens.

Jim: Mm-hmm.

Arlene: So, eye contact is super important.

Jim: Yeah. The, uh… Yeah, I- I understand, (laughs).

Arlene: As you’re staring at me, (laughs).

Jim: (laughs)

John: (laughs).

Jim: … As I’m looking at some of the prep here.

John: (laughs).

Jim: Uh, appreciation, that other skill you mentioned.

Arlene: Yeah.

Jim: I think the opposite of that might be entitlement, I don’t know.

Arlene: Yes, yeah.

Jim: But…

Arlene: Indulgence, like…

Jim: So, appreciation, I mean, that can be, again, in a social media context, it could be over the top, it doesn’t feel sincere-

Arlene: Yeah.

Jim: … all those things. But d- describe the-

Arlene: Yeah.

Jim: … the real appreciation.

Arlene: The, uh, real appreciation is, “Wow, I get to do this, I get to be here,” not this, like, “I gotta go to school, I gotta be a parent, I gotta do these things.” Appreciation says, “Wow, God, thank you, thank you for the breath you give me, thank you for these kids, thank you that I live,” you know, “I have a roof…” You know, obviously I could get real cheesy on here, (laughs).

Jim: Yeah.

Arlene: “Thanks for this little bread you gave me,” you know, all these things. But it is this attitude of-

Jim: It’s an attitude.

Arlene: … “I have enough.”

Jim: Yeah.

Arlene: Like, “I’m grateful and I have enough.” But what does the screen teach you? You don’t have enough.

Jim: You always need.

Arlene: You always need more.

Jim: Yeah.

Arlene: And the screen trains us and our kids that we can have whatever we want, ’cause we just ask Siri and she tells us the exact information that we want. We can have-

Jim: Okay, wait a minute, that’s pretty convenient.

Arlene: … right? For the mo-

Jim: (laughs).

Arlene: It’s pretty- it is pretty convenient, right?

John: (laughs).

Jim: What’s the weather today?

Arlene: But we don’t- we don’t have to wait for things.

Jim: Yeah.

Arlene: Like, it’s super convenient. So, if it’s inconvenient, we get really thrown off.

Jim: Yeah.

Arlene: Because we’re super used to inconvenience.

Jim: Well, that’s true.

Arlene: And then the kid of today, they can watch, you know, 400 different shows, where the kid of yesterday might have just had, like, four shows, you know, to choose from. But today, like, it’s endless. So-

Jim: Yeah.

Arlene: … all this choice makes kids very entitled that, “Oh, you only have that at grandma’s house? Well, I don’t wanna do that, I’m used to doing whatever I want,” and it really puts that entitlement on steroids.

Jim: Um, anger management, I know there was that movie, I think, a long time ago, but anger management is an interesting one. I d- I- I hadn’t thought about anger in that regard, that it’s something we need to develop, but how do you attack anger management in a healthy, Biblical way?

Arlene: Well, you think about that kid who you say, “You can’t play that video game,” you’re gonna see some anger, (laughs), and you’re gonna have to learn how to manage it, right? So- so, the idea here is-

Jim: (laughs).

Arlene: … there is righteous anger, right? It’s be angry and do not sin, there is righteous anger, so for us to realize, okay, if there is a true injustice happening, and Dr. Chapman is the expert in this, you know, if there’s a true injustice happening, okay, let’s deal with it. Let’s make retribution, let’s- let’s make this right. But if it’s just, “You won’t let me play my video game, you took this away, I didn’t…” You know, whatever this is. So, helping your child say, “I am angry because…” And just get them to that point. Now, your child is gonna act out either with words, girls will do it a lot of times with words and boys will do it with behavior, they’ll kick things.

Jim: Yeah.

Arlene: That’s very typical. So, maybe it’s, “Hey, go run around the block a few times and then come back here and talk to me.”

Jim: Wow.

Arlene: You know, it could be something like that.

Jim: Yeah.

Arlene: But let’s get to that point where we say, “I’m angry because… and you can ex- tell me.” If your kid’s yelling at you, you take it, you just…

Jim: Be the adult.

Arlene: Like, kind of think- think like you’re the robot.

Jim: (laughs), yeah.

Arlene: Really, don’t yell back and just take it, and then be like, “You’re not ready to talk right now, so when you’re ready, we’ll talk about this,” and just kind of really make yourself numb in that moment.

Jim: Okay, for the parent that struggles with that…

Arlene: Yes, (laughs).

John: (laughs).

Jim: How do you develop…

Arlene: Maybe you should practice. No-

Jim: … that skill? I mean, it’s not easy.

Arlene: … isn’t that funny? Like, honestly, rehearse it in your mind.

Jim: Kids are great at dragging you into-

Arlene: Yes.

Jim: … the- into the pen, the pig pen, (laughs).

Arlene: Rehearse it in your mind, like, think of the elite athlete that’s rehearsing-

Jim: Mm-hmm.

Arlene: … that swing over and over. So, you rehearse, “Okay, my kid is gonna yell at me, my kid is gonna curse at me, my kid’s… And I’m just gonna stand there like a statue.” And, honestly, like, you can-

Jim: It’s unnerving to the kid.

Arlene: … you can make it funny.

Jim: Yeah.

Arlene: Like, to yourself, I think that to- like, practice with your spouse so that it actually becomes something that you find entertaining. I know that might sound funny, but-

Jim: Well, I was just gonna say, my spouse might like that, (laughs).

John: Yeah, (laughs).

Arlene: … but honestly… Yeah. Like- like- like, take the sting out of it, take the power away from your kid-

Jim: Mm-hmm.

Arlene: … to be, like, “I’m ready, I’ve rehearsed this, I know you’re gonna yell at me, I know you’re gonna unleash these things at me. And, hey, guess what? I’m not gonna yell back,” and your kid’s gonna be like, “Wait a minute, I’m off my game, ’cause they’re not doing the script of what I’m used to.”

Jim: Yeah, that’s true.

Arlene: You know, because kids are more… L- look at your kid, if you see that they are becoming more angry, is it a particular video game that they’ve just started playing? Is there a certain boy-

Jim: Mm-hmm.

Arlene: … that they’re starting to hang out with? You know, trace it back to, you know, what’s going on, and- and we really are trying to help our kids manage their anger so that they do not become the kind of people that no one wants to be with.

Jim: Mm-hmm, wow.

Arlene: That’s what we’re kind of wanting for them.

Jim: Interesting, yeah. What about AI? There’s a lot of talk about-

Arlene: Yeah.

Jim: … uh, artificial intelligence, and, you know, we’re looking at it to a degree, uh, when you’re running an organization, a business, some of it’s extremely helpful.

Arlene: Yeah.

Jim: But with AI and parenting, what should we be concerned about?

Arlene: I think you should be concerned, and two things come to mind. One is the race for intimacy, and what I mean by this is co- uh, we already have AI in our lives, that’s how all these social media things know what we like, and it’s been the race for attention. They want our attention. So, I want you to look at me, I want you to- our kids to look at TikTok, I want our kids to look at this. So, it’s this race for attention. AI is gonna take this a step further of intimacy, that now I’m going to be your AI friend. So, for instance, a kid is on Snapchat, and they wanna talk to someone but no one is online that they know, but they can always talk to the My AI.

So, they type in their question to My AI and the I- AI talks to them. Well, guess what? If your kid is just used to texting people all the time, that’s not gonna feel that different-

Jim: Mm-hmm.

Arlene: … of having the AI talk to them. So, all of a sudden, our kids are attached to this AI because it talks to them, it texts them, and guess what? The AI knows all this stuff about your kid.

Jim: Mm-hmm.

Arlene: The AI knows, they reach out, “Oh, you have a soccer game today, how’d it go?” So, it feels-

Jim: Mm-hmm.

Arlene: … so intimate.

Jim: Wow.

Arlene: And so that is a huge thing, realize, like, “I don’t want my kid to have a AI friend, I want my kid to have a real- real friend.” And then the second thing is that the AI will do stuff for your kid-

Jim: Yeah.

Arlene: … before your kid knows how to do it. So, if AI’s writing a paper for your kid, well, hey, if you’re an adult and you have to write a report and that’s not really your job, that kind of helps you-

Jim: It sounds-

Arlene: … but you- but you know how to write a report.

Jim: Yeah.

Arlene: But if you’re a kid and it writes your report, you’ve never written a report in your life, you’re like, “Cool, this is awesome,” (laughs).

Jim: Yeah.

Arlene: So, when it replaces, you know, what your kid knows, ‘ca- your kid doesn’t have to learn these things ’cause the AI just does it for them, that’s a problem because then the AI has an advantage.

Jim: Mm-hmm.

Arlene: And you want your child to be the one who can grow up and make decisions and recognize, “Oh, the AI was wrong on that.”

Jim: Well, these are all the amazing things to- to think about. You’ve written a great book here. Lemme end here, uh, you’ve created a conference in your hometown, in San Diego, called Parents Rising, which is great.

Arlene: Yeah.

Jim: You’ve had good speakers, people that have been on the program-

John: Mm-hmm.

Jim: … Bill and Pam Farrel, and-

Arlene: Yeah.

Jim: … of course Dr. Gary Chapman-

Arlene: Gary Chapman, Sally Burke.

Jim: Sally Burke.

Arlene: Moms In Prayer.

Jim: This message of parents rising, there certainly seems to be a groundswell of parents saying, “Okay, we’ve had enough, it’s harmful to our kids,” wh- wh- why is it especially important when it comes to screens that parents-

Arlene: Yeah.

Jim: … rise up and not be passive?

Arlene: Yeah. You think of the parent lying down, right, like, “Let’s just see where this goes, I don’t wanna make waves,” and then we’re seeing, through the news, through your own life, through your friends, this is not going to a good place. So, the idea of parents rising is we’re not just gonna sit by the sidelines and let these things happen, we are gonna rise up and we are not afraid to be the only ones. We’re not gonna wait for someone else to do it, we are gonna do it, and then guess what? When you rise up together and you look across the room, like in the conference, you realize, “I’m not the only parent.”

Jim: Mm-hmm.

Arlene: There are other parents here who have these same convictions. And Jonathan Haidt, a s- a secular social psychologist is pushing for no smartphones until high school and no social media until 16 or later for the mental health of this generation.

Jim: Mm-hmm.

Arlene: And so if parents can rise up around these very specific ideals, and if even 10% of us, right? Like, 90%… So, most people are still, “Of course you’re gonna use your smartphones, you’re gonna give your kids… Hey, kids, you’re seven years old, here’s a iPad,” people are gonna do this. But if, let’s pretend, 10% of people did this, wow, what a difference that would make, and the church can lead the way in this.

Jim: Yeah.

John: Mm-hmm.

Jim: You know wha- uh, what’s so interesting, and maybe this is the proof in the pudding, uh, I’ve seen it with Congressional hearings, but articles that have been written about the Silicon Valley execs-

Arlene: Yes.

Jim: … they don’t let their children do this.

Arlene: Right, (laughs), right?

John: Mm-hmm.

Jim: I mean, that s- that should be the glaring kind of-

Arlene: Right.

Jim: … education here.

Arlene: Steve Jobs did not have a iPad for his kids.

Jim: Think of that.

Arlene: So, it’s like, what?

Jim: So, they know the damage.

Arlene: Yeah.

Jim: And they know what can happen, and that’s why, again, we need to be like those Silicon Valley-

Arlene: Yeah.

Jim: … exec parents.

Arlene: Let’s be smart.

Jim: (laughs).

Arlene: Let’s be smart, yes.

John: Mm-hmm.

Jim: Limit- limit what your kids do.

Arlene: Yeah.

Jim: And, Arlene, this is a great start, you’ve done a wonderful job, uh, be- in a good way, alerting us to the, uh, downfall of- of these devices and screen time and all that. Great book, Screen Kids: 5 Relational Skills Every Child Needs in a Tech-Driven World. And, frankly, children aren’t gonna find those on their own, they need the parents involved to be able to do the homework, read it, and then apply it. There’s so much good, uh, content-

John: Mm-hmm.

Jim: … in this book. Arlene, you- you and Gary did a fabulous job pulling this together. It is one of the hottest topics in parenting, at least here at Focus on the Family, is screen time. Help me, help me, help me. We’re here to help you.

John: Mm-hmm.

Jim: So, get in touch with us, um, you know, we do this occasionally, but if you can’t afford this book, we’ll send it to you, just call us and let us know and we’re gonna trust others will underwrite that, if you can help us monthly, that’s great, a gift of any amount, we’ll send the book as our way of saying thank you for being in the ministry. It- it’s not transactional, this is spiritually driven. Be a part of what we’re doing here to help literally hundreds of thousands of parents every year do a better job parenting toward Kingdom results.

John: Mm-hmm.

Jim: We’ll have a far better nation if we, together, are successful in helping those parents. So, be part of the solution, get great content, apply it in your own parenting journey, and then help others.

John: Mm-hmm. Yeah, join the support team today when you call 800, the letter A, and the word FAMILY, uh, either a monthly pledge or a one time gift of any amount and then request that book from, uh, Gary Chapman and Arlene Pellicane, Screen Kids: 5 Relational Skills Every Child Needs in a Tech-Driven World. Again, our number, 800, the letter A, and the word FAMILY, and we’ve got details at focusonthefamily.com/broadcast.

Jim: Arlene, again, great to have you here, thanks for being with us.

Arlene: Thank you so much, it’s been great.

John: And join us next time as Kim Meeder is going to help you explore how God reveals Himself and His love.

Kim Meeder: His love knows no barrier, our job isn’t to understand how He’s gonna do it, our job is to release the tide of His love through us.

John: On behalf of the entire team, thanks for listening to Focus on the Family with Jim Daly. I’m John Fuller, inviting you back as we once again help you and your family thrive in Christ.