Focus on the Family with Jim Daly

Amber Lia: You can be exhausted and still do the good parenting. You know, be exhausted if you must, but you can still be a great mom, and the Lord will help you in any season that you’re in, even in this weary season.

John Fuller: That’s Amber Lia, and Amber and her friend and coauthor, Wendy Speake, are with us today on Focus on the Family with Jim Daly. They’ll be sharing about how to overcome parenting triggers so you react gently to your children.

Jim Daly: I’m just laughing ’cause everybody goes, “Yeah, turn that up, honey.”

John: (laughs)

Amber: (laughs)

Wendy: (laughs)

Jim: “Let’s listen to this one-

John: Yeah.

Jim: … all the way through.” Uh, learning to deal, uh, with parenting triggers is so important. Uh, these typically are things that we learn as children, you know, the, the fruit doesn’t fall far from the tree. Sorry-

Amber: Hm.

Jim: … but it’s true. And things that happen to you, we typically, even unconsciously, will do when we become parents. Not always, but generally that’s true. So how do we learn to kind of dismantle the trigger-

John: Mm-hmm.

Jim: … and not come at it with that kind of attitude? James 1:19 says this, “Let every person be quick to hear,” so this is painful for parents, “quick to hear, slow to speak, and slow to anger.” That’s just a general good spiritual principle, and it’s hard to do.

John: Mm-hmm.

Jim: But with God, it can be done. And that’s what I love about our guest because they’re weaving the scriptural truth about parenting and how we should treat our children to get a, you know, a more predictable outcome for their love for God.

John: Mm-hmm. Yeah. Uh, our guests are, as I said, Amber Lia and Wendy Speake. Uh, they’ve been here a number of times. We love having them back. Uh, the book that they’ve written that talks about, uh, this topic is called Triggers: Exchanging Parents’ Angry Reactions for Gentle Biblical Responses. It is a terrific resource, and you can learn more about it at focusonthefamily.com/broadcast.

Jim: Hey, Amber. Let me ask you this. Yesterday, we did talk about external triggers, and we’re gonna talk about some internal ones today maybe a little more. Uh, remind the listeners what the external triggers are, and then what the internal triggers can be.

Amber: Yeah. So there are a combination of things that can set us off. And sometimes, they are internal things where it really has more to do with me. And then the external triggers are things that really have more to do with them, um, or, you know, the messy house for example, that sort of external trigger. But the internal ones are tricky because, man, that’s kind of more on me. I can’t really blame my kids for that stuff.

Jim: And those are kind of the learned things that you picked up probably-

Amber: Absolutely.

Jim: … growing up yourself.

Amber: Yeah. There’s some generational patterns there for sure.

Jim: One of the things that is so difficult is when you’re talking to a counselor, and they say, “Well, the next time he says that or she says that, try this. Say, ‘Honey, like, I think I’m hearing you, but where does this come from?

Amber: Hm.

Jim: Why do you feel that way?’” And you’re going, “Oh, that’d be brilliant.” Then when it happens, you’re going, “D- what are you thinking about? Why- Why are you saying that to me?

Amber: Yeah.

Jim: It’s your fault.”

Amber: Yeah. I think it’s important-

Jim: I mean, it always sounds good-

Amber: It’s good to practice outside of conflict.

Jim: (laughs) Yeah.

Wendy Speake: Yes, absolutely.

Amber: That’s what I d-… That’s what I-

Jim: That’s the point.

Amber: I’m a, a firm believer in that. Practice outside of times of conflict.

Jim: Yeah.

Wendy: Yes.

Amber: You know, and especially because in any scenario and any trigger, our kids, uh, have heightened emotion. Now, I don’t respond do well, nor am I super receptive when I am in a place of heightened emotion as an adult.

Wendy: Hm.

Amber: So to expect that my kids are going to be really receptive and be able to think logically when they’re highly emotional because they’re immature is also difficult. So if I’m saying, “Well, they’re not listening to me,” sometimes it’s because my expectation is that they’re like a peer of mine, and that when I’m talking, they’re naturally going to listen to me and affirm me. And that’s the victimization piece of motherhood that really got me into a lot of trouble for a long time.

Wendy: Mm-hmm.

Jim: Wow.

Wendy: Thank you for sharing that.

Amber: And so I have to say-

Wendy: I’m bet you-

Jim: Yeah.

Wendy: … anything that’s resonating with lots-

Amber: Yeah.

Wendy: … of listeners.

Amber: I had to say this isn’t really about me. Uh, I’m still their coach, I’m still their guide. And I get to offer them an opportunity to be aware and to be more mature in this, and what does it look like to listen to me. You know, and I’ll tell my kids, “Hey, could you just repeat what I said, ’cause I’m, I’m distracted, too, sometimes. You look like you might be a little bit distracted. Could you just repeat what I asked so we’re on the same page?”

Wendy: Yeah.

Jim: It’s such good coaching, though. That’s the thing that’s so bizarre that these thinking through your responses and being ahead of the curve and responding with an adult kind of presence rather than a childlike wounded heart, they’re all the right things to do. And I, I mean, for the life of me, we don’t do it consistently as parents. We fall back into this trench of childlike combat with them.

Amber: Yes.

Jim: Like, they suck us back into their-

Amber: Yeah, yeah.

Jim: … their field of, of battle.

Amber: Yup.

Jim: (laughs) And we’re going-

Amber: And Jim, I think it’s because we get overwhelmed with how many things trigger us all at once.

Wendy: Mm-hmm.

Jim: Hm, that could be.

Amber: And so I often remind myself, “Amber, there’s 10 things right now that y- maybe are overwhelming you. Overwhelm is a choice. So let’s take one thing at a time.

Jim: Huh.

Amber: And, you know, what is the thing that’s most prominent that I see as problematic in our home? What is really robbing my peace the most?”

Wendy: Hm.

Jim: Oh, that’s good inventory.

Amber: And once I’ve evaluated that, I go, “Okay, what can I do to create the most peace in this specific trigger?” And I tell people all the time, it’s not cliché to just pray, “God, I don’t even know what to do about this right now, but I trust that you give wisdom, you promise that you give wisdom generously.

Wendy: Yeah.

Amber: Will you help me come up with a creative way to address this trigger with my child?” And, you know, Wendy and I give lots of suggestions in our books, but never underestimate that God is at the ready to help you.

Jim: So Wendy, uh, a moment ago, we talked about messiness. This happens to be one of your triggers. I’m not-

Wendy: Yes.

Jim: … pouncing on you, but, uh-

Wendy: Oh, yeah.

Jim: … describe the battle of messy. Uh, you know, we’ve done shows on this with Kathi Lipp and Jean actually came-

Wendy: Hm, right.

Jim: … to that one.

John: Mm-hmm.

Jim: Unfortunately, I made the mistake of not telling her what the topic was-

Wendy: (laughs)

Jim: … until she arrived. And h- all of a sudden-

Wendy: Are you saying I’m a mess-maker?

John: It was a little bit of a trap.

Jim: No. And all of a sudden she goes, “Oh, now I know why you invited me here.”

Wendy: (laughs)

Amber: Oh, (laughs).

Jim: It was not my best day.

Wendy: “I see why I’m here.”

Jim: But, uh, but talk about the messiness issue.

Wendy: Yeah.

Jim: Man, I think one of the big things with that is how that plays on a woman’s sense of worth, self-worth.

Wendy: Hm.

Jim: Like, “If I can’t keep a house really clean-

Wendy: Yeah.

Jim: … there’s something wrong with me.”

Wendy: Right.

Jim: But that, that’s really the enemy.

Wendy: That’s really interesting. It was just yesterday my husband said to me, “Um, we haven’t had a cleaning crew come through in a very long time. If you send me that contact information, I’ll reach out to them.” What he was saying was, “I’d like to bless you.”

Jim: Oh, good. He wasn’t saying, “The house is so dirty, we need a cl- a crew.” (laughs)

Wendy: Well, I’ll tell you what I heard. What I hear-

Amber: Could have been taken the wrong way, right?

Wendy: And that is what I… That’s how I took it, is-

Jim: I wouldn’t even go that way.

Wendy: Well, I w-… I didn’t respond in anger, but I felt shame.

John: Hm.

Jim: Yeah. Wow, I get it.

Wendy: But I’m, I’m self-aware enough-

Amber: Mm-hmm.

Wendy: … to say, “What is this feeling that I feel?

John: Yeah.

Wendy: Oh, he’s calling me out on that I’m not keepi-…” And I… My house is a wreck right now. We have two kids-

Jim: (laughs)

Wendy: … that just launched from the house.

Jim: Right.

Wendy: And I went to a place of shame. Luckily, I didn’t respond in anger or shame, but I recognized it. And the more you practice understanding your internal triggers, the better you’re gonna get at slowing down before you react.

John: Hm.

Jim: Yeah.

Wendy: Um, so for me, yes, having a clean house allows me to be more peaceful. And I know it’s a different topic, but as I think about it, I sometimes think of Mary and Martha. How do I have a Mary-

Jim: (laughs)

Wendy: … heart in a messy house? Be-

Jim: In a Martha world?

Wendy: Right.

Jim: Yeah, that’s good.

Wendy: Because Martha would be so busy cleaning, that when her children spill milk, how is she going to respond? She’s gonna respond like she did to Mary. I don’t want to respond like Martha. I want to respond like Mary. So can I start my day like Mary so that when I go into the work that Martha knows must be a priority, I still have a Mary heart in my home.

Amber: And sometimes, uh, we just need to say, “Okay, I’ve been doing this thing around the house for so long that I have forgotten that I have these children that I actually am supposed to be training and helping them become these productive adults-

Wendy: Right.

Amber: … themselves someday. This is something I could actually help-

Wendy: Right.

Amber: … coach my child to be doing.”

Jim: Yeah.

Amber: And really evaluating that situation and go, “Okay,” you know-

Wendy: Not in the moment.

Amber: No.

Wendy: Not in the moment. (laughs)

Amber: No, outside of conflict, always, not when we’re feeling highly emotional. But just say, “Hey, kids. You know, I get to show you how to do this,” outside c- (laughs)-

Jim: Let me ask you about that-

Wendy: Yeah.

Jim: … because I think, you know, my observation again, all of us, not just moms, dads have this same issue in a different way I think, but, y- you know, we take a sense of self-worth for providing.

Wendy: Right.

Jim: For a mom, it’s providing this kind of environment-

Wendy: Nurturing environment that’s clean.

Jim: … for being on top of it-

Wendy: Mm-hmm.

Jim: … that I’m taking care of their needs such as-

Wendy: Sure.

Jim: … their laundry, their food. And you can actually, I think, prevent the natural good thing, which is have the children join you in that.

Wendy: Right.

Amber: Right.

Jim: Jean was great. She had the boys start doing their laundry at, like, 10.

Wendy: Yeah.

Amber: That’s amazing. Good for her.

Jim: I mean, we did have a few pink shirts-

Amber: Mm-hmm.

Jim: … that came out of that (laughs).

Amber: Yeah (laughs).

Wendy: (laughs)

John: (laughs)

Amber: Yeah.

Jim: But, hey, they learned pretty quickly.

Amber: That’s right.

Jim: But I thought it was pretty impressive.

Amber: Yeah.

Jim: I’d see them down there as 10, 11-year-olds-

Amber: That’s wonderful.

Jim: … you know, unfortunately getting in my way to get my own stuff done, but-

Wendy: But there are also triggers that are beyond just training our kids. It could just be, “Hey, I feel out of control. It’s a little OCD, but I really need things to be more orderly-

Amber: Sure.

Wendy: … than maybe the rest of the family members.” So it’s not so much that they’re not prepared to help, but it could be an internal me problem-

Jim: Right.

Wendy: … if I’m not aware of it.

Jim: Well, especially if it’s eating at you.

Wendy: If it’s eating… Well, and then when you are-

Jim: I mean, that’s, like, clear signs.

Amber: It’s a signal.

Wendy: … stressed-

Jim: Yeah.

Wendy: … all it takes is the straw that breaks the mama’s back, right?

Jim: (laughs) Yeah.

Wendy: The spilled milk. And the energy that comes ak- out of you-

Jim: Mm-hmm.

Wendy: … when the milk spills isn’t a milk spill level.

Jim: Right.

Wendy: It is a-

Jim: Mm-hmm.

Wendy: … monumental, I-cannot-cope-with-life. Why is that? Well, because my house is a wreck. So where does it fit in my day? And then are there times where I’m just available to the kids?

Amber: Yeah, seasons.

Wendy: Come what may, you know?

Amber: There’s seasons.

Jim: Well, that’s a, that’s a good observation skill to develop as a mom and a dad. But when the response is disproportionate to the crime-

Wendy: Right.

Jim: … (laughs) y-

Wendy: Let’s consider that and what are we gonna do about it?

Jim: … that is a signal to say, “Okay, wow. What’s going on-

Wendy: Mm-hmm.

Jim: .. with me-

John: Yeah.

Wendy: Right.

Amber: Yeah.

Jim: … the internal trigger.”

Amber: Right.

Wendy: Yes.

Amber: Angry reactions a 10, and the situation is a three.

Jim: Yeah (laughs).

Wendy: Right.

Amber: So let’s pull that back (laughs).

Jim: There is a bit of self, uh, awareness in that.

Wendy: Right.

Jim: Uh, I think, Amber, you share in the book about being blindsided in motherhood by exhaustion.

Amber: Oh, yeah.

Jim: So this is a really good one, ’cause I think moms generally, especially with younger kids-

Amber: Right.

Jim: … are so exhausted. They’re… It’s just-

Amber: Yeah.

Jim: … busy. It’s hard to keep up-

Amber: It is.

Jim: … with everything.

Amber: Yeah.

Jim: And you’re tending to them, especially when they’re younger, like, even feeding them in the middle of the night.

Amber: Mm-hmm.

Wendy: Right. You have a story I think.

Jim: Um-

Amber: And we know it’s a high privilege. We know it’s a high privilege. We love our children. We wanted them, but, you know, Oliver, my oldest son, when he was born, he had a lot of issues. He had colic, and he had reflux, and he did not sleep well. I mean, we hired sleep experts, we elevated the mattress, we did the swaddling and the vacuum, and, like, uh, all the things. And none of it was all that effective. And that sort of ate away at me as a new mom thinking-

Jim: Oh, yeah.

Amber: … “Wow, I thought I was gonna be really good at this, and I can’t fix him.” And the exhaustion that Guy and I, my husband, Guy, and I felt was, like, bone weariness-

John: Hm.

Amber: … because we went months and months and months. Oliver didn’t sleep through the night until he was, like, two or three years old, like, for the first time-

Wendy: Ugh.

Amber: … solidly.

Wendy: (laughs)

Amber: And there were other kids in the picture by then, too. So we just sort of operated all the time in a place of weariness.

Wendy: Mm-hmm.

Amber: And I remember just pleading with the Lord like, “Lord, I don’t know what to do. I’m trying all of these methods to try to fix this situation.” And I remember very vividly rocking Oliver in the middle of the night once, and I just sensed the Lord say to me, “You know, Amber, I’m just gonna hold you all through-

John: Oh.

Amber: … the night while you hold Oliver.

Jim: Wow.

Amber: And I’m, I’m just gonna ask you to draw near to me.”

Wendy: Hm.

Amber: And I realized this wasn’t about getting the perfect night of sleep. This was about yielding to being perfected by the Lord and drawing near to him and experiencing the sweetness of my father-

John: Hm.

Amber: … drawing near to me-

John: Hm.

Amber: … in those moments. And so sometimes it’s not always about having this great resolution. Um, it’s really just an opportunity to rely on the Lord. And that became a sweet season. And exhaustion doesn’t have to be because we’re not getting sleep at night. It is like you said, Jim, there’s just so many demands of us in this day and age.

Jim: Oh, yeah.

Amber: There’s a lot going on, and we can just be exhausted from mothering.

Jim: Hm.

Amber: Parenting is hard, you guys. If you’re listening and you’re like, “Why is this so hard,” I just want to acknowledge parenting is exhausting.

Wendy: It is.

Jim: But it’s worth the journey.

Amber: It is worth the journey.

Jim: Totally.

Amber: It is so worth it. And, you know, as we lean on the Lord in our weariness… That was the other thing I had to tell myself, “Amber, you can be exhausted and still do the good parenting.

Jim: Hm.

Wendy: Hm.

Amber: You know, be exhausted if you must, but you can still be a great mom. And the Lord will help you in any season that you’re in, even in this weary season.”

John: Hm.

Wendy: And sometimes, preparing how to behave different means pairing back how much going you’re doing during the days. If you’re not sleeping at night, it might be the season where your oldest isn’t gonna be involved in the youth choir, and your second born-

Jim: Soccer (laughs).

Wendy: … doing this, and your baby struggling with that. It can be you have more at-home days that are quieter.

Amber: Yeah, and that’s okay, too.

Jim: Yeah.

Wendy: And that’s okay, too. And sometimes-

John: Hm.

Jim: Yeah, that’s a good rescue plan.

Wendy: It is.

Jim: Mm-hmm.

Wendy: And it’s going to help you deal in your exhaustion more like the mom you want to be.

John: Hm. Well, we hope you’re feeling a sense of, uh, refreshment and calm from our guests today, ’cause-

Wendy: He’s 17 now. I hope you’re sleeping.

Jim: We’re gonna get there.

Amber: Yeah.

John: … you know, we, we have all been exhausted-

Wendy: (laughs) Yeah.

John: … in our parenting, and, uh, today on Focus on the Family with Jim Daly, our guests are, uh, Amber Lia and Wendy Speake. Um, they’ve been here before. We so enjoy having them. And, uh, they’re sharing from their hearts and experiences. I hope you’re getting encouraged.

Jim: Yeah.

John: Uh, get a copy of their book, Triggers: Exchanging Parents’ Angry Reactions for Gentle Biblical Responses, when you call 800, the letter A, and the word FAMILY, or stop by focusonthefamily.com/broadcast.

Jim: Wendy, I don’t know why I keep starting with your triggers, but there seems to be-

Wendy: (laughs)

John: (laughs)

Amber: (laughs)

Wendy: There are so many apparently.

Jim: … seems to be-  But another one that you talked about in the book was, uh, that being late-

Wendy: Yeah.

Jim: … you know, for things, especially as a mom. I think dads, I think husbands can heap coals on this one, you know, ’cause we’re-

Wendy: Hm.

Jim: … tick-tock, we’re gonna be late again for church.

Wendy: Yeah.

Jim: “Honey, let’s go.” And we’ve got to learn how to help mom and wife m- you know, manage-

Wendy: Mm-hmm.

Jim: … that l- that phase of life that’s happening right then.

Wendy: Right.

Jim: Speak to that idea of tardiness, if I can call it that-

Wendy: Mm-hmm.

Jim: … or just that perpetual lateness, especially in phases-

Wendy: Hm.

Jim: … of motherhood.

Wendy: Yeah. And I love that you talk about you, the example of getting to church-

Jim: Yeah, that’s a classic.

Wendy: … because isn’t it like… I mean, the devil’s like-

Amber: Aww.

Wendy: … loving it, right? (laughs)

Jim: A friend of mine told me about that. I’ve never experienced it.

Amber: (laughs)

Wendy: Yeah, yeah.

Jim: (laughs)

Wendy: Running, running late for toddlers at preschool or to the park and a play date is one thing.

Jim: Well, I’ll tell you, I mean, for us, we, our church at that time was almost an hour’s drive each way.

Wendy: Ugh.

Jim: I mean, with-

Wendy: Yes.

Amber: Yes.

Jim: … two and four-year-olds.

Amber: You got leave on time.

Wendy: Yeah.

Jim: You got to leave before on time. (laughs)

John: (laughs)

Amber: Yes, there you go (laughs).

Jim: So it, it… You know, we ended up having to change churches, getting close to us-

Wendy: Yeah.

Jim: … because of that time in our life-

Wendy: Mm-hmm.

Jim: … uh, we just couldn’t do it.

Wendy: Yeah.

Jim: It wasn’t happening.

Wendy: Well, you know, Amber and I haven’t talked about this, but we have the external triggers, we have the internal, and I think that if I were going back with Amber and rewriting it, I might set this up a little differently, because every external one has an internal component.

Jim: Mm-hmm.

Wendy: So what’s going on in me, right? And so when there is a trigger that we discover is common, I think there are two things we need to address: what’s going on in me, and what’s going on in our home. And so when it comes to running late, Amber’s really good at what practically can I do to prepare? How can I loop the kids into this in an age-appropriate discussion when we’re not fueled up and amped up and struggling in a moment?

Jim: Slip on shoes, I’m telling you.

Amber: Mm-hmm.

Wendy: I’m not looking under the table, but I hear that Jim still wears.

Jim: (laughs) Yes. I haven’t grown out of them yet.

Amber: (laughs)

Wendy: But also, what’s going on in me, and in this season, how can I cope better; or dad, what’s going on in you, and how could you help in a practical way in the home-

Jim: yeah.

Wendy: … or how can you help diffuse rather than pour gasoline on the stress as you tick-tock, you know, point to your wristwatch and rev the engine in the driveway, what could you to do help internally, what could you do to help externally? Could you get there early? Is there a coffee stop on the c- on the church campus? Can you make that part of you rhythm that you’re gonna go for a donut first? I mean, can you build in being there early so that there’s margin? And really, I think if we were to have-

Amber: Yeah.

Jim: You had me at donut.

Amber: (laughs)

John: (laughs)

Jim: (laughs) I’m ready.

Wendy: I thought you would say, “You had me at margin,” because-

John: (laughs)

Wendy: … if there’s one overarching help-

Amber: Mm-hmm.

Wendy: … in your triggers-

Jim: Uh-huh.

Wendy: … margin-

Jim: Yeah, that’s good.

Wendy: … will help you.

Jim: Mm-hmm.

Wendy: If you are exhausted, margin can look like not signing up for all the things. If you’re running late, margin is getting places, you know, adding in more time.

Jim: You know, I, I’m thinking about a season for us with Jean and I. I, I think we, were stretched, and the boys were rambunctious. Yeah, I’m probably thinking in that seven, eight, nine, 10 zone.

Wendy: Yeah.

Jim: They’re still wonderfully pliable, they want to hang out with you, you know? (laughs)

Wendy: Mm-hmm.

Jim: And all that was still good. But I think it, you start thinking about the future when, when your sons or daughters look back when they’re gone, off to college, or even married and have their own family, what will they remember about growing up?

Amber: Mm-hmm.

Jim: That is a great projection.

Wendy: Mm-hmm.

Amber: Yeah, that legacy.

Jim: You know, will it be positive, or will they think, “Man, mom was always angry”?

Wendy: Yeah. And let’s just take a moment, too-

Amber: Hurts people’s hearts when they think about that sometimes.

Wendy: Yeah, acknowledge that.

Amber: Yeah.

Wendy: If you’re listening right now and it’s just bringing tears to your eyes, because, man, I wish I could go back-

Jim: Oh, a, a do-over.

Wendy: … I wish I could go back, you are not-

Jim: Yeah.

Wendy: … too late-

Amber: Mm-hmm.

Wendy: … to be transformed and sanctified by-

Amber: Yeah.

Wendy: … the Lord, and for it to have a generational impact. And I’m talking to you, mom, who’s 78 and has grown kids and even grandkids.

Jim: Yeah.

Wendy: You start availing yourself to the transforming, sanctifying work of the Holy Spirit. Your kids and your grandkids will see it.

Amber: Well, and all we have is what’s in front of us. So I like to remind myself that the only reason that I really look back into the past and past behavior failures is if I know there’s something of value that’s gonna help me move forward in the right direction.

Wendy: Mm-hmm.

Amber: I don’t want to keep looking over my shoulder and allowing it to be a place where Satan starts to mess with my mind and a place of condemnation. That doesn’t do me any good. I want it to be a Holy Spirit loving conviction, to now what can I do next, because we stay in the pit and we’re not going to be, you know, receiving the good things that God has for us moving forward and how He’s gonna shape us, um, in the next season that we’re in.

Jim: Yeah. You know, my observation in that is in a spiritual dynamic, God has given great capacity for children to forgive their parents.

Amber: They do.

Wendy: Oh.

Amber: They’re very forgiving.

Wendy: Yes.

Jim: I mean, I think… That gives me tears, ’cause I think it is a-

Amber: It’s true.

Jim: … God-given thing, ’cause we are gonna-

Wendy: Yeah.

Jim: … make mistakes.

Amber: Yes.

Jim: And-

Wendy: And grown up children, too.

Jim: Yeah.

Wendy: Going back and speaking-

Amber: Also.

Wendy: … I know it’s not as grown up as some of you, but I, uh, a year ago reached out to my oldest son and very specifically said, “I recognize only now that X, Y, and Z was harmful-

Jim: Right.

Wendy: … to you. When I responded this way, when I didn’t protect you that way.”

Amber: Hm.

Wendy: And I thought that he was going to say, “Mom, I forgive you.” He did not. He said, “Mom, I’m so proud of you.”

Amber: (laughs)

Jim: Oh (laughs).

Wendy: Bec-… Uh, which-

Jim: Yeah.

Wendy: … which shocked me. But how, how mature and loving and hopeful. He saw that there was something for me to learn-

Jim: Hm.

Wendy: … and he embraced me.

Amber: And, and I’ll tell you what, Jim, that’s a big-

Jim: That’s powerful.

Wendy: It is.

Jim: Yeah.

Amber: That’s a big part of what we hope parents will begin to understand is that right in the moment when we’re triggered, we can stop and begin to model our growth. Like, h-… Wendy’s son just expressed the growth that he saw, the transformation in her, how proud-

Wendy: Yeah.

Amber: … he was of her.

Jim: Yeah.

Amber: And that can happen all along the way if we allow it to be a moment that’s modeling what it looks like to stop. You know, I’m starting to s- feel my anger rise, my body tense, and I can look at my child in that moment and say, “You know what, buddy? I’m starting to get upset and I don’t want to say something wrong. I love you very much, and I need a minute to just take a breath and be calm so that we can try again.”

Jim: Yeah.

Amber: Like, “I would like-

Wendy: Yeah.

Amber: … to try again with you. I know what I said just now wasn’t the tone I really wanted to to- to speak to you in. And I apologize for that. Can you just give me a minute?” And so even in the moment, modeling that. We don’t need to show up with our kids feeling like, “Oh, we’re perfect. We’ve got it all figured out-

Jim: Yeah (laughs).

Amber: … we’re gonna plan all ahead.” Right in the moment of being triggered is the-

Jim: Yeah.

Amber: … perfect time to even stop and model that for our kids.

Jim: Yeah, it’s good.

Amber: And, and they’re proud of us. They are forgiving of us, like Wendy said.

Jim: Yeah.

Wendy: Yeah.

Jim: They really are.

Wendy: Yeah.

Jim: It’s an amazing thing. Right at the end here, let me just ask a question on behalf of single parents. You know, we often, as we’re talking, we’re talking in the construct of a two-parent family. And people will contact us and say, “Hey, don’t forget about us.” So this is-

Wendy: Yeah.

Jim: … you know, one of those moments I want to ask that question about the single parent mom particularly, and we know there’s many now single parent fathers-

Amber: Yes.

Jim: … out there, too. But for those single parent moms who are struggling to be everything, I mean, they’ve got so much guilt about what’s-

Amber: Right.

Jim: … been going on, you know, the fact that-

Amber: Oh.

Jim: … either, you know, maybe their- the husband’s left the home, whatever it might be.

Amber: Mm-hmm.

Jim: Um, what can they do to play some of these principles?

Amber: Well, and none of us are supposed to be everything to our child. They wouldn’t need their savior if we were everything to them as moms.

John: Hm.

Jim: That’s a great point right there.

Amber: And so we sometimes think we’re responsible to fill in all what, what we think are the gaps. And I think it’s encouraging for me to know that there’s some things I won’t be able to provide for my child, there’s some experiences they may not have whether they’re s- because it’s a single family home or not, and that’s not up to me. God has a plan for them, and he is right there alongside me every step of the way, whether it’s single parents or maybe even just parents that aren’t parenting on the same page, you know-

Jim: Well, or a dad that’s not engaged.

Amber: Yeah, right.

Jim: How about that?

Amber: E- e-

Jim: She feels like a single parent mom.

Amber: Totally, yeah.

John: Yeah.

Amber: And so in those moments, too, it’s an opportunity to say, “Okay,” Never underestimate the power and the influence that you do have, and just rest in that-

Jim: Hm.

Amber: … and trust that the Lord is gonna provide everything your child needs, whether there’s a, a dad there in the picture or not. And Wendy was raised by a single mom, and so-

Wendy: Yes.

Amber: … she appreciates that.

Wendy: Yeah. Um, so my mother just passed away a couple weeks ago.

Jim: Oh.

Wendy: And I’ve been grieving with so much gratitude.

Jim: Huh.

Wendy: I am so grateful that she was mine and I was hers.

Jim: Yeah, wow.

Wendy: And, um, one of the things that my mom did exceptionally well was not doing what she couldn’t do. We didn’t go out to restaurants very often. If our budget was limited, she let us know and said, “Hey, we can either do this or that.” We had very few family vacations, but we had home cooked meals, and we laughed watching the A-Team-

Jim: (laughs)

Wendy: … on Thursday nights I think it was, whatever that-

Jim: That’ll get you going.

Amber: Mm-hmm.

Wendy: … primetime, uh, lineup was. And we watched shows, and we laughed, and she tucked us in with tickles on our back. And I would go to sleep hearing her play the piano down the hall. She didn’t do it all.

Jim: Right.

Wendy: So I think I hear most often, “But I’m a single mom, and I have to do it all.” And I understand what you’re saying.

Jim: The feeling of that.

Amber: Yeah.

Wendy: Uh, well, and there are-

Amber: For sure.

Wendy: Everything that needs to be done has to be done by you.

Amber: Mm-hmm.

Wendy: That is true. But you don’t have to do it all that you see being done.

Jim: Yeah.

Wendy: They don’t need it all. They need you-

Jim: Yeah, and, uh-

Wendy: … and they need you.

Jim: And what you’re saying there is that environment that you’re setting is so much more important-

Amber: Mm-hmm.

Jim: … than getting all the things done-

Wendy: Yes.

Amber: Tone of your home.

Jim: … and being hyper.

Wendy: Right?

Jim: It’s back to the Martha and Mary thing, really.

Wendy: That’s right.

Jim: It goes right back to that.

Wendy: Yep.

Jim: This has been so good. Thanks for being with us on day two. If you missed day one, go get it. Uh, the app for the phone or you can go to the website and hear the download that way. But, um, both days have been very, very strong.

John: Hm.

Jim: So thank you for being here.

Wendy: Absolutely.

Amber: You’re so welcome. Thank you, Jim.

Wendy: Thank you. It, it helps us-

Amber: Thank you, John.

Jim: Wow.

Wendy: … stay committed-

Amber: Yeah, it does.

Jim: Yeah.

Wendy: … to, um, gentle responses with our children.

Amber: We’re in a journey. (laughs)

Jim: Wow.

Amber: We’re still in a journey, too. (laughs)

Wendy: Yeah.

Jim: And the thing is, by the time we kind of-

Amber: Yeah.

Jim: … got this parenting thing down, oh-

Amber: Yeah.

Jim: … they’re out.

John: Hm.

Jim: They’re o-… They’re gone, and you’re going-

Wendy: (laughs)

Amber: Things change, yeah.

Jim: … “Lord, can I not do that one more time? I think I could do it really well.”

Wendy: Yes.

Amber: Yeah.

Jim: But-

Amber: Second time around, I’ll be-

Jim: Yeah.

Amber: … really good at it.

Jim: We’re here to talk about how you could do it better the first time.

Amber: Mm-hmm.

Jim: Well, I hope you learned a lot about how to get it right the first time through what Amber and Wendy shared. They are such an inspiration to us all. And we want to walk with you in your parenting journey here at Focus. One great next step would be the Seven Traits of Effective Parenting assessment. It’s a short, free quiz that will help you, uh, get an idea of your strengths and point out a few areas that you need to improve in. Uh, John will have the details on where to find that in just a minute. And if anger is something you struggle with, I recommend you get a copy of Amber and Wendy’s book, Triggers: Exchanging Parents’ Angry Reactions for Gentle Biblical Responses. The book is a 31-day devotional that can help you make the changes you heard about today. When you make a monthly pledge of any amount to the ministry of Focus on the Family, we’ll send you a copy as our way of saying thank you, thank you for being a part of the ministry. We so appreciate those of you who give monthly. It evens out the budget throughout the year. And if a monthly amount doesn’t work for you, we’ll send the book to you for a one-time gift. Just be part of what we’re doing here to help save lives.

John: Yeah, make your special gift and get your copy of Amber Lia and Wendy Speake’s book, Triggers: Exchanging Parents’ Angry Reactions for Gentle Biblical Responses. Our number is 800-232-6459, 800, the letter A, and the word FAMILY, or look for that free parenting assessment and the book details at focusonthefamily.com/broadcast. Well, plan to join us next time as we hear from Jay and Laura Laffoon, and they’ll share how you can celebrate your marriage in your daily life.

Preview:

Jay Laffoon: If Christ is in you and Christ is in your spouse, the way you speak to your spouse, is the way you speak to Christ. And that is mind-blowing. And I, I never really comprehended that until I realized that Jesus is living in her.

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