Focus on the Family with Jim Daly

Dr. Laurel Shaler: And so my husband and I came up to her house and we drove up this really long driveway. And she opened this big door and this lovely older woman was holding a baby and just put her right in my arms. And it was instant, I knew that this little girl was meant to be my daughter.

John Fuller: Mm. Well, adoption is an amazing picture of God’s redemptive love that he offers each one of us. Dr. Laurel Shaler joins us today on Focus on the Family with Jim Daly. And we’ll be exploring unique ways that you can demonstrate love to your children, especially those that you have through adoption. Welcome to the show, I’m John Fuller.

Jim Daly: John, this topic’s gonna be very close to your heart with you and Dena adopting a, a young man.

John: Yeah.

Jim: And then Jean and I of course doing a, a bit of, uh, fostering during our foster care years, if you wanna call them that. But what an incredible opportunity for the Christian community to get engaged and today we’re gonna speak to, uh, adoption. Um, and of course, that applies to foster system as well as adopting from another country or from within the US here. Adoption is part of God’s heart. I mean, we think about it, all of us our adopted into His family, right?

John: Mm-hmm.

Jim: And so I think adoption has clear spiritual connotations along with, uh, practical connotations, how children need to be loved, et cetera. We have about 400,000 children in the foster care system today and about a quarter of those, about 100, 110,000 are available for adoption because parental rights have been terminated. And, uh, yeah, it takes a … not a special foster parent to do this. It just takes commitment. It takes patience. It kind of takes the Fruit of the Spirit to engage with these children and help them get back to a place of healthiness. And we’re gonna talk today with a very special guest about how to do it.

John: Mm-hmm. Yeah. And Dr. Laurel Shaler is with us, as I said. She’s a counselor, author and professor at Liberty University. Um, probably more importantly, she’s married to Nick and they have three children through adoption. Uh, Dr. Shaler has written a terrific book with Dr. Gary Chapman, uh, about, uh, how to demonstrate love to your children. It’s called Loving Adopted Children Well: A 5 Love Languages Approach. And you can learn more about this book, our guest and other resources at our website. The link is at focusonthefamily.com/broadcast.

Jim: Laurel, welcome, for the first time to Focus on the Family.

Dr. Shaler: Yes. Thank you so much for having me.

Jim: So good to have you. Now, your background, you have a PhD in education I believe, correct?

Dr. Shaler: Yeah. Counselor education and supervision to be exact.

Jim: Okay. So the average mom and dad listening are going, “Oh, okay. So she went to school for all these years, she has a PhD in how to handle children, how to counsel children.” Um, most people aren’t gonna get that education to go along with it. So I just need to hear that disclaimer from you, that you don’t need a PhD.

Dr. Shaler: Absolutely. You don’t need a PhD and it might actually be a disservice because I think I deal with a lot more mom guilt as a result. I think I know better, I should do better. (laughs)

Jim: I think, you know, uh, e- … let’s park there for minute, because I think wh- when Jean and I did foster care, we had those … and she specifically had more of that guilt as a Christian mom. I should have m- better patience than I’m-

John: Mm-hmm.

Jim: … showing. Speak to that issue of how to give yourself a little slack, because it’s a, it’s a demanding environment.

Dr. Shaler: It really can be. And I think we definitely have to give ourselves grace. Uh, we, we wanna talk about extending grace to the kiddos that come into our home, but we also have to give ourselves grace in understanding that we’re still human. We’re not gonna be able to do it all right all the time. And if we focus more on our hangups, uh, the time that we have messed up, then we’re not gonna be any real service to our spouses or the kiddos in our homes.

Jim: You know it’s so true about the Christian walk is we want to be as close to the heart of God as we can possibly be. That’s our sole desire. And then we realize, either through marriage or through having natural children or adopting children or adopting children from foster care, you see your own boundaries (laughs) so much more clearly, your own inability to love the way you felt you could love, to, uh, have the patience you thought you could have. E- I guess it shows you your own shortcomings, I guess.

Dr. Shaler: Yes, it does. That, that window is, is open. Uh, you start to see what you didn’t see before. And you don’t always like what you see.

Jim: No, that’s good. And that idea of moving on the continuum-

Dr. Shaler: Yes.

Jim: … is really what you’re after. And-

Dr. Shaler: That’s right.

Jim: … you may be far short in some area of the Fruit of the Spirit. That’s okay. God just wants you to keep moving toward Him and develop that. And I’m telling you, adoption is a good way to develop your (laughs) Fruit of the Spirit.

Dr. Shaler: That’s right. That’s right.

Jim: Right?

Dr. Shaler: It’s a sanctifying process.

Jim: Yeah, John, you and Dena know that too.

John: I absolutely agree.

Jim: It happens. Okay. Let’s, let’s talk about you and Nick. You get married, about 14 years go by. Uh-

Dr. Shaler: Okay.

Jim: Tell us a little bit of insight there. Were you delaying having children or could you not have children? What was happening?

Dr. Shaler: Yeah. So I’ll back up a little bit. Ever since I was a teenager, I’ve always had an interest in foster care and adoption. And although I can be pretty assertive with my husband in what I, what I want-

Jim: (laughs)

Dr. Shaler: … for us to do, um-

Jim: Amen, girl.

Dr. Shaler: (laughs)

Jim: I just heard all the women say that too.

John: (laughs)

Jim: (laughs)

Dr. Shaler: … this was an area that I knew that I, I could not dictate. You know, he had to have adoption placed on his heart as well.

Jim: Right.

Dr. Shaler: And so we moved through our marriage and some people would say, “When are you gonna have kids.” And we’d say, “Well, we don’t know, maybe five to 10 years.” But then that, that time started to pass and we never conceived and we didn’t know that we couldn’t conceive. And, and one day when we’d been married about nine years, my husband came to me and said, “I think we should adopt.” And I said, “Great. I’ve got the paperwork all ready.”

Jim: (laughs)

Dr. Shaler: “Let’s go.”

Jim: I’ve already signed it.

John: (laughs)

Dr. Shaler: I already signed it.

Jim: It’s been there for six years.

Dr. Shaler: Right. Exactly. Exactly.

Jim: That’s exciting.

Dr. Shaler: So it took a few more years before the Lord brought a child into our family. And after we had already p- started to pursue adoption, then we did discover that natural conception was not gonna be God’s path for us. Uh, and then we were able to move into adoption.

Jim: Let me ask you this. Um, you have three adopted children. Let’s just quickly give the audience an idea of how that happened and how old they are.

Dr. Shaler: Sure. So we had been working with a number of agencies and we had some, uh, failed placements. We never had any child come into our home that then left, but we did have some failed placements. And one night, it was a Wednesday night and I was at my childhood church, um, eating supper, Wednesday night supper. You know, we do that a lot in the south.

Jim: Supper not dinner.

John: (laughs)

Dr. Shaler: That’s right.

Jim: Dinner’s lunch. (laughs)

Dr. Shaler: Yeah. That’s right. That’s right. And my childhood Sunday school teacher came up to me and she said, “Laurel, I know somebody who just got custody of one of their relatives and she’s looking for an adoptive family. Would y’all be interested?” And my first thought was there is no way this is gonna work out. Like this just doesn’t seem logical, but I said, “Sure, give her my number.” I’d been in some interesting situations already with the adoption pursuit and I thought what could it hurt to talk to this lady. But a couple of days later, um, this lovely woman did call me and she explained the situation, that she had a little girl who was two months old that was related to her and that she was … uh, felt like she was too old to care for the child and she was looking to place the child for adoption. Now, that’s not the way things normally work.

Jim: Right.

Dr. Shaler: Because she only had temporary custody, it wasn’t even up to her to place the child for adoption. But for whatever reason, she felt like she was supposed to be seeking and adoptive family. And I still was really on the fence about whether or not that could ever work out and I told her that I would talk with … uh, we had case worker through the Department of Social Services. I said I would talk with them the next week, I would call our attorney and I would talk through some options and I would call her back. Well, on Sunday, uh, uh, two days later, I really felt like the Lord was telling us to go and visit this child. And I was driving home from somewhere and I did call my husband and I said, “Are you willing to go and meet this baby?” And he said, “Yes.” So we, we called their home and they said, “You can come.” And so my husband and I came up to her house and we drove up this really long driveway and she opened this big door and this lovely older woman was holding a baby and just put her right in my arms. And it was instant, I knew that this little girl was meant to be my daughter.

Jim: Was that the situation where the judge had the declaration or was that one of your other children?

Dr. Shaler: Yes. So that-

Jim: Yeah.

Dr. Shaler: … that was-

Jim: What did that judge say that made such an impact on you?

Dr. Shaler: He said, “It is so ordered.” when we finalized her adoption, he banged his gavel and he said, “It is so ordered.” And I’ve always remembered those words and they even choke me up now, that she would forevermore be our daughter.

Jim: You wonder if that’s the same declaration in Heaven.

John: Yeah.

Dr. Shaler: Mm-hmm.

Jim: It is-

Dr. Shaler: Yeah.

Jim: … so ordered-

Dr. Shaler: It is so ordered.

Jim: … coming off the lips of the Lord.

Dr. Shaler: Yeah.

Jim: That you are-

Dr. Shaler: It’s beautiful.

Jim: … this baby’s mother.

Dr. Shaler: Mm.

Jim: I mean, that’s a great thought to think about. Now, quickly if I could, uh, y- you kind of had unique experiences in all three adoptions.

Dr. Shaler: Right.

Jim: Describe the other two.

Dr. Shaler: Yeah. So we adopted our first daughter a l- little less than a year after we met her. So she was two months old when we met her and she was not quite a year when we finalized her adoption. And a few years later, we got a call from the attorney that had finalized that adoption. And he said, “I’ve had a young lady come to me who, uh, is eight months pregnant and I don’t know if she’s having a boy or a girl and she wants to place this child for adoption. And I was wondering if y’all would be interested.” And I said, “Yes.” And he asked me if I needed to check with my husband. And I said, “He’ll say yes.”

Jim: (laughs)

John: (laughs)

Dr. Shaler: And thankfully, he did. I knew that we were on the same page and that if the Lord opened up another opportunity, we wanted to adopt again. And so a little over a month later, we met a little boy and we were able to adopt him. We … he went to the pediatric intensive care unit, uh, for a couple of weeks and then we were able to take him home and adopt him a few months later.

John: Mm-hmm.

Jim: Wow. And then the third child now.

Dr. Shaler: The third baby came to us through embryo adoption. That was something that I’d heard about many, many years ago. And when I first heard about it, I thought it was crazy and that I would never ever do that. And out of the blue-

Jim: You never use the word never.

Dr. Shaler: Never. (laughs)

Jim: (laughs)

Dr. Shaler: I- you should never use the word never.

Jim: (laughs) That’s for sure.

Dr. Shaler: And a couple of years ago, the Lord revealed to my heart that we had one other bedroom and it was a guest room. And I said, “But Lord, I like my guest room and I, I don’t know about this.” And he said, “But you need to have one more child.” And we really didn’t know how that child would come to us. We thought maybe we would foster and have a temporary space for children in need. Maybe, we would adopt another infant. But then it was revealed to my heart that we should go through embryo adoption. And when I tell you, we weren’t even looking it up online, nobody talked to me about it. It was literally just like a message downloaded into my brain from Heaven that we needed to pursue embryo adoption.

Jim: Yeah. Let me, let me ask you about the son that you adopted. Um, coming outta NICU, I mean, there were difficulties.

Dr. Shaler: Mm-hmm.

Jim: He had some physical issues. He cried pretty constantly-

Dr. Shaler: Yes.

Jim: … according to your comments in the book. And that kind of frayed you, right? Th- I mean, it was hard to manage that.

Dr. Shaler: It i- it is so difficult to deal with incessant crying and I’m sure a lot of moms of newborns can relate. But this was a bit different, because he had neonatal abstinence syndrome and so he was just so uncomfortable. And-

Jim: Always.

Dr. Shaler: Always. And so we really credit the, the wonderful hospital staff and also the training we received in how to take care of him, as to even what got us through those difficult weeks and months.

Jim: One of the things I wanted to highlight w- was that kind of training. Um, most of these kids, especially that are coming from foster care, have debilitating starts emotionally. I mean, they have attachment disorder, many have fetal alcohol syndrome, uh, maybe drug abuse by the mother, whatever it might be. These are difficult environments, so these children have a lot to overcome. So when you engage in the foster area particularly, you need that extra dose of love and care because they’re going to test you.

Dr. Shaler: It really has to be a calling. When somebody asks me w- you know whether or not I think they should foster or adopt, it’s like, “Has the Lord called you to this?” Because if he hasn’t, then there’s just … then you shouldn’t.” There are other ways to support foster and adoptive families outside of-

Jim: But don’t be afraid to stretch, I mean once you’re in it, if-

Dr. Shaler: Yes.

Jim: … when you have a bad day, hang in there.

Dr. Shaler: Yeah. When you’re going through it, keep going.

Jim: Yeah.

John: Mm-hmm.

Jim: ‘Cause I think some people might give up if they’re feeling, “Okay, I’m not well suited for this.”

Dr. Shaler: Right.

Jim: That may be true but I, I would encourage you to keep pressing.

Dr. Shaler: Absolutely.

John: Our guest today on Focus on the Family with Jim Daly is Dr. Laurel Shaler. And, uh, we’re talking about some of the content in her book, Loving Adopted Children Well: A 5 Love Languages Approach. Learn more about this book and Focus on the Family’s, uh, support effort for foster kids and adoptive families at focusonthefamily.com/broadcast.

Jim: Laurel, this is a good, uh, point to bring up the five love languages. Gary Chapman, who originally wrote the book, The Five Love Languages, is a great friend of Focus and is-

John: Mm-hmm.

Jim: … he’s here often. And, uh, I, I’m intrigued how you applied this together to, uh, the adoption effort. And I’ll mention them quickly and maybe you can come back and just highlight one or two. But acts of service is one of those love languages, gifts, uh, receiving gifts or giving gifts, I’m not sure if covers both.

John: Mm-hmm.

Jim: Uh, physical touch. That’s Troy, my young son’s language. He loves physical touch. As a four-year-old, he said, “That’s mine, Daddy, physical touch.”

John: (laughs)

Dr. Shaler: Aw, I love that.

Jim: I mean, he just knew it.

John: Mm-hmm.

Jim: Quality time, spending quality time together. And then finally, words of affirmation. So how do we apply those in, in the adoption context? Is it any different?

Dr. Shaler: Yeah. So I think the first thing that we wanna recognize is that we should apply all five love languages with all children. We don’t wanna forsake any of them. But in time, we can start to recognize that a child is gonna lean towards one, maybe two, more than the others and we wanna really pour into them through that specific love language.

Jim: And the best way to say that, as Gary Chapman would say, is y- you just don’t connect with that. So when the person’s giving that love language to you, you’re going, “Oh, thanks.” It just doesn’t make the same-

Dr. Shaler: Right.

Jim: … difference-

Dr. Shaler: Right.

Jim: … as your primary love language.

Dr. Shaler: Absolutely.

Jim: Yeah.

Dr. Shaler: And we can really start to tell … sometimes children will tell us. My daughter, not much older than your son, she said that, uh, words were her love language.

Jim: Yeah, words of affirmation.

Dr. Shaler: Yeah, she just shouted, “Words, words are mine.”

Jim: (laughs) It’s amazing-

Dr. Shaler: So she knew.

Jim: … how they know it.

Dr. Shaler: Yeah.

Jim: Those that do know it, at a young age.

Dr. Shaler: Yes.

Jim: So-

Dr. Shaler: Absolutely,

Jim: You, you in fact gave your daughter, I think, a porcelain doll.

Dr. Shaler: Yes. (laughs)

Jim: It must’ve been beautiful, but did it connect or not connect?

Dr. Shaler: Well, I thought that it was gonna connect until she connected the hands of the doll and they broke.

Jim: (laughs)

Dr. Shaler: And I realized that showing her love through that gift was probably more about me and my desire to please her-

Jim: Mm-hmm.

Dr. Shaler: … rather than what would really be best for her at that age.

Jim: Tell me about mind, body and soul time. I don’t think I’ve heard that concept as clearly.

Dr. Shaler: Yeah. And so th- that term actually came from a parenting program called Positive Parenting Solutions. And so we’ve reframed that in our household to be bestie time and DD time and buddy time and we have all these terms. But basically, it’s when a parent spends time with their child, even if it’s just 10 or 20 minutes, and you really kind of get in that child ego state. So whatever the child wants to do, within boundaries of course, you’re willing to do. And it really helps them to know that you’re focused on them. The phones are put aside. The computers are put aside. The TV’s turned off and you’re just really spending that quality time with them.

Jim: No, that’s so good. I remember a colleague here at Focus, Clark Miller-

John: Yeah.

Jim: … uh, said to me one time and it just resonated. He said, “You know what? When I, uh, when I’m with my kids, it’s more about yes than no.”

Dr. Shaler: Yeah.

Jim: And that’s a real-

Dr. Shaler: Absolutely.

Jim: … simple way to look at it.

Dr. Shaler: Yes, that’s great.

Jim: Try to say yes more often to your kids who are, “Dad, can you play catch with me?” “Yeah, give me a minute, I’ll be right-”

Dr. Shaler: Right.

Jim: “… out there,” whatever it might be. More so than you say no, try-

Dr. Shaler: Filling up the yes bucket.

Jim: … to minimize no. Yeah.

Dr. Shaler: That’s right.

Jim: I think it’s good.

John: Yeah, that’s really important. So your husband, Nick, was deployed shortly after your son was adopted. Uh, that must’ve been-

Jim: (laughs)

John: … heaps of pressure on your parenting. Uh, how did you na- navigate all that?

Dr. Shaler: Yeah. That was a real challenging time. It was also in the midst of COVID, so we had very limited childcare and I was working. And I thankfully work from home, but it was a real, it was a real challenging time. And actually, that was about the time that I really started to, uh, focus in on different ways that I can parent better. I started reading books and listening to programs and podcasts and trying to figure out, how can I do this better because what I’m doing is, is not measuring up? Uh, so d- I, I would say that that’s really how I started the pursuit of becoming a better mom.

John: Mm-hmm. How important is it for you to ask for help in those situations?

Dr. Shaler: I think it’s critical. We really can’t do this without the support of others. Uh, I remember contacting a friend of mine and saying, “You know, you always seem so patient with your kids. What’s your secret to being patient?” And trying to, to learn from others. And also, it was helpful to … when that friend replied and said, “I’m not always patient. I try and here’s how I try, but I’m not always patient.” And I said, “Oh, okay.” So there is some grace for that. It’s easy to parent kids that are easy. It’s harder when the kid’s going through a challenge and when you’re going through a challenge. And when those things butt up against each other, you have a recipe for disaster.

John: Yeah.

Jim: In a less serious way, that’s so funny ’cause how many times have we walked through a grocery store before we have children-

Dr. Shaler: Oh, right. (laughs)

John: (laughs)

Jim: … and we see the outta control toddler-

John: Uh-huh.

Jim: … and we look at each other and say, “When we have kids, they will never behave like that.” (laughs)

Dr. Shaler: That’s right.

Jim: Until they do.

Dr. Shaler: Yeah.

John: Yes.

Dr. Shaler: I would never let my child behave that way.

Jim: (laughs)

Dr. Shaler: I remember a mom sharing on Facebook once that she thought she was an amazing mother until she had her second child.

Jim: (laughs) Right. I mean, that’s part of it.

Dr. Shaler: Yeah.

Jim: You might have two or three great ones and then that-

Dr. Shaler: That’s right.

Jim: … one comes along that-

Dr. Shaler: Temperament. Right.

Jim: … challenges you.

Dr. Shaler: Yeah. That’s right. Their temperament and personality make a difference.

Jim: You know, and support for the, the adoptive family is so critical and that’s one of the things I’m so grateful for here at Focus on the Family with Wait No More, Dr. Sharen Ford and her team do a wonderful job equipping churches and helping adoptive parents out of foster care to, uh, tap resources that are typically available, sometimes couples don’t know about it. In fact, in that regard, we’ve learned a lot. Uh, we’ve been able to work with a variety of states with their adoption efforts. And Florida stands out as kinda one of the better ones that I’ve seen. And why, in my mind, they achieve that high goal is that the churches there really do a great job wrapping around-

John: Mm-hmm.

Jim: … the adoptive families. And you do need that concentrated effort from the leadership of the church to say, “Okay. You know, Jim and Jean Daly have adopted this child. We really need to wrap around them. Do we have a few volunteer families that can help them over the next two to three years?” And it’s doing laundry, maybe doing some sh- shopping for them, maybe a little relief, that the, the kids can go with them so mom and dad can get a break, whatever it might be. But speak to that deep question of the need for support, because if they don’t have that support, it makes the risk of failure so much higher.

John: Mm-hmm.

Dr. Shaler: Absolutely. And actually, I’m involved in some ongoing research right now j- just, just getting started in looking at the benefits of these wrap around services and how that helps with, with longevity. Specifically with foster families, but even families who have adopted can sometimes feel forgotten about. Ah, after the adoption is said and done and the child is, is now theirs, uh, sometimes there’s still a need because the child still may be struggling. Maybe they did come into their home a- as a victim of, of trauma. Maybe they have reactive attachment disorder, fetal alcohol syndrome, maybe they have some other challenges like ADHD or other neurodivergence issues. And they just really need other people to not turn away from them, but to turn-

John: Mm-hmm.

Dr. Shaler: … towards them, lean, lean towards their family and help them during those challenging times. And I think the respite piece is so important, just having folks that you can trust. Because we can’t trust everybody and not everybody-

Jim: Yeah.

Dr. Shaler: … is well-equipped to handle a child that might have a challenge. So having people that we can trust to come in and walk alongside us is invaluable.

Jim: Sure.

John: Yeah. Two things, real quick, Jim. I just wanna do a shout-out to my colleagues here at Focus, who 20 plus years ago, uh, took, uh, some time and effort to show kindness to us. We, we had five children. We had already gotten rid of everything related to infants and we were adopting an infant.

Jim: (laughs)

John: So it felt really weird, but we had a baby shower thrown by colleagues here at Focus. I think you and Jean were there in fact. And so that, that was a very practical way to get behind us. There were, there were financial donations, which helped immensely because it’s not cheap to adopt.

Dr. Shaler: That’s right.

John: And our, our church was a place of grace. I just, uh, so appreciated the kindness of the people at our church. There was one time when my son, uh, was really having a meltdown and I was just holding him, kind of keeping him contained if you will. And people did not shower judgment on me. They just were like, “Oh, John’s gotta tough thing going on. We’re not gonna make a big deal of it. We’re gonna move along.” And the grace and acceptance for us to, to navigate some of those expressions, those behaviors, um, has still remained in my heart because that was unconditional love.

Dr. Shaler: Yes.

John: The kind of love that an adoptive parent needs when a hard time comes.

Dr. Shaler: Absolutely. And I’ve seen the same. I remember just recently, a few weeks ago, one of my kiddos having a tough time at church. And the ne- next Sunday I came in and one of her Sunday school teachers just gave me a hug and said, “It’s gonna be okay.”

Jim: (laughs) Yeah.

Dr. Shaler: And it was so welcome and so kind.

Jim: Reassuring.

Dr. Shaler: It was reassuring.

Jim: Well, it like anything, even in parenting your bio kids-

Dr. Shaler: Absolutely.

Jim: … I mean, they’re gonna hit things, most likely, that are gonna really, uh, cause some concern for you. And it’s nice to have somebody come along and say, “You know what? The long view, it’ll be okay.”

Dr. Shaler: That’s right.

Jim: It’s so good to remember. Uh, right at the end here, just a couple last questions. One, sibling rivalry. H- how did you manage with your two older children, your now nine-month-old-

Dr. Shaler: Yeah.

Jim: … coming into the family. And you know, when you’re pregnant as a couple, you can talk about the baby and the child can see mommy’s tummy and, you know, it kind of begins to connect. And then they come home from the hospital and, “Oh, here’s your brother, here’s your sister.” But how do you set up that on ramp, if I can call it that, that sibling acceptance, so that we’re not vying for mom’s attention and, “Who are you?”

Dr. Shaler: Right. Well, uh, so interestingly enough, my older two are the ones that still struggle with each other. In fact, even this morning, I was doing a little FaceTime with them and hearing some stories. And I’m like. “Oh, please keep your hands to yourself.”

Jim: (laughs)

Dr. Shaler: Uh, but they were very accepting of the baby. So they each love the baby, but they struggle with each other. And there is that rivalry for mom’s attention. You know, I remember one time, both of them kind of going back and forth with each other saying, “She’s my mom.” “No, she’s my mom.” And I’m like, “No, I’m, I’m momma to both of you.” So we try and help them to see that we love them equally. Even the other day, my oldest asked me, “Mom, I know you love all of us, but who do you love the best?”

John: Oh.

Dr. Shaler: And I’m like, “I love all of you the best. I love all of you-”

John: (laughs)

Dr. Shaler: “… equally.” So just that constant reminder to them that-

Jim: Yeah.

Dr. Shaler: … they are loved. They were wanted and that they’re each individually a blessing to our family.

Jim: That’s so good. Okay. Right at the end, I mean, so, I’m a, you know, a couple out listening to this going, “You know, we’ve talked a few years about doing this. Maybe, we should go and engage this.” Do the encouragement, is it worth it?

Dr. Shaler: It is absolutely worth it. It is just … I can’t even think of my children really without getting teary-eyed at how much, uh, uh, we’ve been blessed by them. Uh, they are a wonderful addition to our family. While we know that God’s intention is not for families to ever be broken, that no biological family should be broken, but that this is a redemption story. And adoption is a place where joy and sorrow meet. Uh, but I definitely encourage folks, if the Lord calls you to it, He will sustain you and He will provide what you need to get through.

John: Mm-hmm.

Jim: That’s spiritual layer though, I don’t wanna miss that either, what that couple does for that child. ‘Cause eventually, if everything goes naturally, they’re gonna die and pass away and go to Heaven. And, and then that child, who’s now an adult, is in charge of their life basically. And hopefully, they’ve drawn closer to the Lord, committed their life to the Lord. So the eternal consequences of that expression of love that you and your husband, Nick, have done for those three kids that could’ve ended up in a different place, no parents, struggling the rest of their lives with deficits emotionally. That contribution can’t be understated spiritually.

Dr. Shaler: Absolutely. And I’ll say that for our youngest, uh, we’re very grateful that her biological parents are Christ followers and intentionally chose to place her for adoption so that she would not … uh, th- that she, as an embryo, would not be destroyed. But with our other children, we don’t know what their path … they came from pretty difficult circumstances and so we’re, we’re pray … we pray for their biological parents and we wanna continue to stand in the gap for as long as the Lord has us to be there for them.

Jim: It’s so good. Laurel, this has been great. I thank you for being here and, uh, you’ve trekked all the way from South Carolina. We so appreciate that commitment. And for you, if this is something you and your spouse have been talking about, let’s go. (laughs) We’re here, ready to help you think it through and to provide the resources that will provide the, I think, the right questions and the right, uh, information for you to consider. And certainly, Laurel’s book, Loving Adopted Children Well: A 5 Love Languages Approach, is a great resource to get started. It’s here, available for you. If you can make a gift of any amount, we’ll send you a copy of the book as our way of saying thank you for being part of the ministry, a one-time gift, monthly gift, whatever you can manage. If you’re not able to afford that, uh, just call and ask us for the book. We’ll send it to you and trust others will cover the cost of that.

John: Mm-hmm. Yeah. Thank you for, uh, watching and listening and thank you for donating generously here to Focus on the Family. Our number is 800, the letter A and the word FAMILY. Or you can donate and get the book when you’re at focusonthefamily.com/broadcast.

Jim: In fact, John, right now, we have a matching gift opportunity. So some friends of the ministry are trying to be fun in getting the funding that we need for the year, so they’re gonna match your gift dollar for dollar at this time of year. So you make a gift of $25, it becomes $50. And it’s meant only to encourage giving, that’s it.

John: Mm-hmm.

Jim: I know some people sometimes go, “I don’t know if I like that.” It, it’s just a fun way to spur on giving to the ministry, so that we can do more in the coming year.

John: Mm-hmm. Yeah. Help us give families hope when you donate generously. Again, our number 800, the letter A and the word FAMILY.

Jim: The other thing, John, is Wait No More is here for you. We have staff-

John: Mm-hmm.

Jim: … that can answer questions, can provide more resources. So if adopting out of foster care is something you’re considering, as the questions, call us. We’ll be in touch with you-

John: Mm-hmm.

Jim: … and be, you know, we’ll be able to answer many of those questions and encourage you to consider it.

John: Yeah. That’s why we’re here and, uh, we hope you’ll reach out today. And on behalf of the entire team, thanks for joining us today for Focus on the Family with Jim Daly. I’m John Fuller inviting you back next time as we once again help you and your family thrive in Christ.