Opening:
John: Imagine living in a situation where you are for all intents and purposes, a hostage. Imagine you’re only allowed to go to school, nowhere else and the person who’s controlling you, abusing you is your father.
Teaser:
Marilyn Williams: And I remember finding myself crying in junior high school in the classroom, finding a dark classroom at lunch when everybody was outside and I would just have little breakdowns, because in my house, nothing was private, not the bathroom, not the bedroom, not my phone. I was never allowed to have any privacy.
End of Teaser
John: On today’s “Focus on the Family,” you’ll hear the terrible, but powerful testimony of Marilyn Williams and how she found freedom, freedom in Christ and freedom from fear. And your host is Focus president, Jim Daly.
Jim: It’s tragic to think that some of you don’t have to imagine what it’s like to be abused by someone in your family, and that cloak of secrecy and shame that went with is. Marilyn Williams has a graphic, but redemptive story to tell and it’s not gonna be appropriate for younger children. So, make sure you’re in a place where you can listen to it.
Believe me, the redemptive nature of the story is well worth your time and it’s important, because it will encourage you, even though it’s going to be difficult to listen to.
John: And we do have CDs and downloads of this entire story, if you can’t stay with us here. Give us a call at 800-A-FAMILY or find those at www.focusonthefamily.com/radio. And now here’s Marilyn Williams at a workshop called Transformed on today’s “Focus on the Family.”
Body:
Marilyn: I want to introduce our subject tonight and those of you that signed up, I think that you noticed that the subject was “transformed.” And that comes from the word “transformation” and that’s what we’re gonna be talking about tonight. And I want to start out by getting you to think, asking you, “What does the word ‘transformation’ mean to you?’” What does that mean to you?
Is it just kind of a change? Is it something that looks different on the outside? Or is it a complete and total change from the inside out? Wouldn’t you say that’s a “transformation?” It’s different than if you just want to do something different with your life or try on something different or have a little bit of a change. But a complete transformation is a whole and complete change, kind of like the show “Extreme Makeover,” you know? Don’t you love that show? And I think the reason why we love that show is because that show is about transformation. It’s about taking something that’s old or taking something that’s broken and taking something that’s run down and having it gutted to the ground and then seeing something new and beautiful and exciting, better than ever come to life because of the transformation process.
But that’s a huge process and that takes a lot of courage in our lives to go through a change like that. And I’m telling you, you’re looking at a woman. I’m not speaking down to any of you tonight. You’re looking at a woman that needed a big transformation.
And for a while, I think that I tried to get my transformation or my new identity, I think I tried to get it from the world, you know, because we all have pain. We’ve all got issues. We all have shame. We all have guilt. We all have bitterness. We’ve all got problems. It’s just of common to our DNA. We’ve all got issues.
So when we lean on the external to change the internal, we’re gonna be disappointed every single time. That the external uh … can change, but it’s gotta be a result of, or in second place to the internal change that needs to go on in our heart. But see, I still couldn’t quite figure that out.
And my problem was, I didn’t like me. My problems was, is that I had a lot of self hatred. I had a lot of shame and I actually had a social phobia where I was afraid to be around people. I would go into a public place, no matter if it’s Starbucks or anywhere and I would start to sweat. And I started to get really nervous and I didn’t know what was happening to me. I mean, I’m the most extroverted person you can imagine. Love people; love to be with people, but all of a sudden, I started to get a social phobia, because my self-hatred had grown so deep and I was ignoring it. I was trying to change on the outside instead.
And it got to the point where I could not be in public places without going into a full sweat, without running home. And my favorite time of the day, I would say, for about 10 years of my life, my favorite time of the day was when the lights went out and the cover … I could pull the covers over my head and nobody would see me. Because again, I thought that it was all about the outside that were my problems.
It’s just that I’m so ugly. It’s just that I’m not big enough here and my hair’s not right and my clothing isn’t right and I’m too overweight and I don’t like my legs and I blamed all of my issues on the external.
And ladies, I’m here to tell you that all of us have issues and all of us are wondering what we’re gonna do with ’em and we’ve got a choice. We can draw an identity from the world in order to cover them up like I tried to do, or we can find a new identity, a complete transformation from the inside out. And I’m telling you tonight, that is only gonna come from God.
The world cannot do that for you. It can dress you up. It can make you look good, but it cannot give you the change in your heart that you need. And I want to share with you tonight something that I’m gonna kinda be saying it a lot tonight and I say it to myself and I refer to other women and I say, you know, “Why be a diva when you can be divine?” Why have the world, when you could have the glory of God inside your heart, changing you from the inside out and transforming, not only your heart, but your entire life? And that’s the story that I want to talk to you about tonight.
In order to do that, I need to give you a little bit of my story. First John 4:19 says, “We love because He first loved us.” And those of you that are not familiar with the Bible, this is a very personal passage. And it’s kinda humbling, saying that we can’t love God unless God first loves us. That’s a little bit humbling.
And I love that verse, because my favorite thing to say about myself is Psalm 22:10, “You have been my God since the moment I was born.” You have been my God since the moment I was born. And so, this other verse, 1 John 4:19, is so precious to me, ’cause it says, “We love, because He first loved us.” And as far back as I can remember, I remember God speaking to my heart. I didn’t respond to Him for a very long time in my life, but I remember Him being there. I remember Him being there when I was a very little girl, at a very young age. I was exposed to incest from my father. And not only incest.
My father, came from a generational line of group incest. And so, group incest was generations and generations before I even came into the scene, so I was made vulnerable to and exposed to and experienced group incest by many men—my father, my grandfather and every man that my grandfather knew. I can remember being a very little girl in a dark hallway on a table. And I remember laying there and I remember having just a circle of men surrounding me. And I remember being scared and frightened. And I remember that they gave me this little orange syrupy drink and it was real sweet, so I’d drink it, but I’m guessing now it was probably like an alcoholic kind of a drink or something that would make me not be real aware of what was happening or what was going to happen.
But I also remember at that moment, I remember talking to God. I remember having a conversation with Him about how I hated what they were doing, about how wrong they were, how bad they were, how angry I was. And by the grace of God, He met me in my most painful darkest hour. We love because He first loved us.
And I remember crying in my bedroom at night and there was God. I remember talking to Him and there was God. I remember I used to have … as a result of the abuse and my mother was not real happily married to my father and my father had many affairs and he was not a very nice man to live with. And so, she was pretty miserable and so, she reacted, so there was some physical abuse going on and a lot of emotion abuse. And home was just a pretty miserable place to live.
I believe that I had been suicidal from as far back as I can remember, I remember daydreaming and fantasizing about my funeral. Who would be there, what they’d say. I remember being like 5-years-old and wanting to die and thinking about my funeral and how great that would be.
And so, home was pretty miserable. But one thing made it bearable and that was my personal friendship with God, that He loved me, that He reached out to me when I could not reach out to Him. And if I had to sum up my childhood, that is pretty much how it went.
Program Note:
John: Well, a rather disturbing story, but one that ends with some hope, as we hear from Marilyn Williams today on “Focus on the Family.” And in few moments, you’ll hear what happened when she finally revealed to a teacher the reality of what was going on in her home. Get a CD of this program with extra content when you call us. Our number is 800-A-FAMILY or get the audio download when you visit www.focusonthefamily.com/radio. Let’s go ahead now and return to Marilyn Williams and her rather graphic story on today’s “Focus on the Family.”
End of Program Note
Marilyn: And then I get into my adolescence and uh … the good part about my adolescence is that my father and my grandfather had a falling out and my father had the awareness that he no longer de … wanted to share me with the other men. And he didn’t like what they were doing and he didn’t want me to be a part of what they were doing, so he … he protected me from that and he … he split off from my grandfather, but he couldn’t see that he was doing anything wrong. He really felt that I came from his body and so, my body was his and he thought he was loving me.
And so, the incest continued and it escalated. My father lost his job and so, for at least a year if not a couple years, he was home every day. My mother, who was a stay-at-home mom prior to that, went to work, which meant every single day, every single day I’d come home and I’d get off the bus and I’d walk up to the front door and I’d see in my father’s bedroom curtains and they were closed. And I knew the only reason they were closed was because he was laying there sleeping naked, waiting for me, every single day and every single night, he came into my bedroom.
Now as a result of all this abuse and this pain, you can imagine, I had a lot of shame. I had a lot of fear. I didn’t understand what was happening. I didn’t even know it was wrong. I mean, you don’t even know it’s wrong. It’s the only experience you know. You wonder if other girls have to go through with this and you’re afraid to complain, because maybe it’s not wrong. And it’s not something you just talk about at school.
And so, the only way that I could manage was, I started adopting coping mechanisms, like the rest of us. Don’t we all adopt coping mechanisms? And my coping mechanism and I think to the grace of God, was performance. My coping mechanism was straight A’s. I became the president of our junior high school. I baby sat all the time. I worked. I saved my money. I provided for myself and that made me feel good about myself, right? It was very temporary and I had to continue performing, because I continually had the shame and the guilt and nothing, no matter how good I tried to be, nothing was taking that away.
So, at some point in time, my coping mechanisms just weren’t keeping up for me. And I remember finding myself crying and in junior high school in the classroom, finding a dark classroom at lunch when everybody was outside and I would just have little breakdowns, because in my house, nothing was private—not the bathroom, not the bedroom, not my phone. I was never allowed to have any privacy.
And I shared with a teacher once and I remember sharing with her that, you know, “I don’t want it necessarily to stop, ’cause I don’t want to do that to my dad. And you know, I love my dad.” Of course we love our dads. “And I’m not sure what to do about all this, so maybe, I said to the teacher, “If you could just help me deal with this and be strong, that’s all I’m asking, ’cause I’m running out of my own strength. I’m breaking down and I know it. And of course, she’s a teacher, so of course, you know what she had to do. She had to report it. I had no idea she was going to do that. I didn’t want my daddy to be arrested. I didn’t want that, but she did what she had to do.
And as I cried out for help to the world, I found the world had no justice, because for a small period of time, our family was separated. And my dad was a really good manipulator. He was able to say all the right things. He had his “fancy-smancy” lawyer that he had hired and I had my public defendant. And I remember going into the courtroom and saying, “You know, I’m not really sure I’m ready to have my dad move back in with us.” And he shook his head. The only time he talked to me is when I pursued him.
And we went into the courtroom and I remember that feeling. The lawyers go up to the bar where the judge is and the rest of us are sitting in the back and they decided my life. They decided my dad would come back home. And that was probably when I was about 13 or 14. And for the next four years or five years, now it was worse. Because of the system, I knew it was wrong. But my dad hadn’t changed. But I was aware that it was bad.
So, I had two options now. I could fight him off, which I did often. I can’t tell you how many mornings I had to fight off my dad from getting into my room when I trying to get dressed. And he’s pushing on the other side of the door and he’s angry. And I’m pushing it shut.
Or I could give in and feel really lousy because I did, because I know it’s wrong. And I felt even worse about myself when I’d given in, because then when I got to school, there’d be a ton of money in my purse. And I realized later when my dad approached me and wanted to offer me prostitution to his work friends, that he was preparing me for that, that he was trying to get me to see that if I just did what he wanted me to do, I could have all the money in the world. ‘Cause doesn’t a teenager want money? I wanted things. I wanted toys and my dad knew it and he played it. And by the grace of God, I resisted that.
But my point of my adolescence is that, the world’s identity that I had tried to cope with, the new identity that I was taking to cover all my pain to be normal on the outside, it was failing me. And by my senior year in high school, I was depressed.
I was a straight-A student. I was president. I was speech team champion. I was on the swim team. I mean, I was involved in school, as involved as you could be, ’cause I didn’t want to be at home. And the only way I could get out of home is say that I had a school event, ’cause my phone was ‘taped’ [i.e. tapped] and my mileage was tracked and my father followed me everywhere. So, I was doing everything on the outside to try and survive and be good and be normal, but I was crumbling on the inside.
And I remember, there was a few months in your senior year, where you’re supposed to go for scholarships and you know, I was a speech champion and in leadership this and I slept through them all. Everybody was shocked. I didn’t get any scholarships. I could not get out of bed. I was so tired, I couldn’t do it anymore. My strength had run out. I had come to the end of myself. I had come to the end of my coping mechanisms. This new identity of the world to try and cover my pain, it wasn’t working. And I gave up. I gave up on my life. I gave up on all my dreams.
I had been accepted to five major universities—UCLA, Notre Dame, big universities. And because I didn’t get a scholarship, I went to my dad and my mom and I asked if I could go to one of these colleges, that I had worked really hard for to get into. And he smugly said to me, “Oh, I’m sorry. Didn’t you realize that you spent your money on my lawyer when you turned me in.” So, I really gave up then, because I thought was going to college at least, that was my way out and I wasn’t going anywhere.
And I signed up for the junior college, thinkin’ okay, okay. I’ll just do it a different route. So, I go to sign up for the junior college and I’m just about to drive to go sign up and my dad hops in the car and he escorts me through the junior college and stands in line with me. And he made it very clear; you will never get away from me. And I gave up. I gave up on all my dreams and all my plans and I became pregnant and luckily, I became pregnant with a good man, who was my blessing and my answer to prayer, because I remember at some point in time, calling out to God and saying, “God, you know, the first half of my life has been really hard.” You know and you know, when you’re like 15, you don’t think you’ll live past 30, so I thought (Laughter) that was the first half of my life. Yeah. (Laughter)
I said, “You know, the first half of my life has been really hard. Do You think You could make the last half better?” I didn’t even know that was a prayer. I just threw it out there, ’cause remember, all this time, all this time, God was my friend. But what I didn’t know is, I wasn’t getting my identity from Him. I believed He existed and I talked to Him once in a while when I needed Him.
And when I talked to Him, He was always there and sometimes He talked to me and encouraged me. But I was not getting my identity from Him. I was still over here, trying to impress Him and trying to impress everybody else, so that no one would see what was really goin’ on behind closed doors and no one would see what a mess I was inside.
So, soon after I was married at 18, had my daughter at 19 and when I reached my adult years, I realized my coping mechanisms were not workin’. And I had a few Christian friends in my life, who of course, I thought I was always too cool for to hang around, you know.
But the interesting thing is, when I hit my rock bottom, that those couple little Christian friends that I had kind of ignored, they were the ones that were there for me. And when I became pregnant before I got married, when I realized that I had disappointed myself; I had disappointed everybody else and I had disappointed God, that it was Christians that had this love and this grace for me. And I couldn’t imagine it, because I thought, isn’t it God who I have committed this sin against? Not even anybody else, but everybody else was comin’ down on me, but why is God loving me the way He’s loving me? Why are these Christians so nice to me?
And they began to just share love and grace and that became just a healing balm upon my soul at that time, when I felt I had disappointed everything and there was no hope for me. And God began to speak to my heart and you say, “Okay.” Some of you might think, “How does God speak to your heart? What are you talking about?”
Well, He speaks through friends. He speaks through Christian friends. He speaks through His Word. I began to have an interest in His Word for the first time. I had questions about the Bible and I began to read it for the first time. He speaks through Christian music. And it was as if God was saying, “Are you done? Are you done with your coping mechanisms? Are you done tryin’ to get your identity from the world? Are you done tryin’ to be a diva, a strong woman of the world that can handle anything and has no pain on the inside? Because if you’re done with that, I got a plan for you and it’s bigger and better than you can even imagine. But it’s going to entail some inside work.”
And all He asked me one night as I was pregnant with my daughter and she was due in about a month and I remember thinking about all these things. It was the middle of the night and I was rocking in this brand-new rocking chair that we had gotten. And it was as if God said to my heart, He said, “Marilyn,” He said, “are you ready to commit your heart to the God Who has committed Himself unto you?”
And at that time in my life, I had a friend that said to me, “Marilyn, do you know that if you were to die today, do you have the assurance that you would go to heaven?” And to be honest, I was appalled. I was absolutely appalled, like well that’s really presumptuous, you know? Like of course, only ‘God knows who goes to heaven. I don’t know. I guess you just try and be good enough. I mean, that’s really honestly what I thought.
And she said, “Oh, no. You can have a peace and it’s not about being good enough.” And so, that night when He spoke to my heart and He asked me if I was ready to commit myself unto Him, I knew I was desperate, that I never wanted to be separated from Him and nothing else was workin’ for me. And so, I gave my heart to God that night. I didn’t know what it meant. I didn’t know a lot. I knew from what my friends told me, that Jesus is God incarnate and that He came as a man and that He is my friend and that He died on a cross to forgive me and that He has a new life for me and He can reconcile me unto my heavenly Father, which is so different, Who’s so different from my earthly father. And so, I said, “Of course, I will commit my heart unto You.” And I did that.
And my next step in walking with God was to get to know Him and to be known by Him. And you know, I woke up the next day, it was as if all of a sudden, I couldn’t get enough of the Word. I couldn’t get enough of Christian music. And I began to get planted in little small group Bible studies with other women, other Christian women that were loving and that loved me right where I was at. And as I got to get to know Him and I let Him place His truth in my heart, my relationship with God was not about me anymore. It was about getting to know Him.
I wasn’t just doin’ all the talking. God was speaking to me and teaching me about Himself. He was revealing to me Who He is. John 14:21 says, “Whoever has My commands and obeys them, He is the one who loves Me. He who loves Me, will be loved by My Father and I, too, will love him and show Myself to him.” And that’s what God began to do.
Closing:
John: That’s where we’ll end today’s “Focus on the Family” presentation from Marilyn Williams. And next time, you’ll hear how her relationship with Jesus Christ brought about some big changes for her.
Jim: John, listening to the full presentation, I mean, in the beginning was simply stunned to hear what happened to Marilyn and as father, just grieving for the abuse that she endured. It was like twilight. Nighttime has fallen on her life. But right at the end, she said it all, which was how she found Jesus Christ and how dawn occurred, how the new day happened in her spirit.
And I want to make sure before we leave today and come back to the rest of the story next time, that each and every person listening, that you, if you haven’t had the dawn in your life, if you’re still living in the darkness that Marilyn’s talking about, the pain and the suffering, there is dawn for you. And that’s through a relationship with Jesus Christ.
And I hope what you’ve heard today is the beginning of a transformation for you. I would think if Marilyn could go through what she went through and could find the thread of hope in Christ, that no matter what you’re going through, there’s hope for you. Next time, we’re gonna hear about the role counseling played in Marilyn’s life. I can’t imagine how desperate she was to find her bearings–
John: Uh-hm.
Jim: –and to know what was true and what was not true.
And I want to remind you that we have caring Christian counselors here at Focus on the Family. And it would be our privilege, I’d say, even our honor to speak with you and to help you navigate the deep waters that you’re going through right now. And if Marilyn’s story has brought up some of these memories from your own past, bring them into the light of day, so that God can work on it with you.
And if you’re in a healthy place and this program has touched you, because you’re grateful for the fact that God spared you from this kind of pain, just know there are others who were not spared that for whatever reason. They have walked a very difficult journey. And I’d like to ask you, invite you to partner with us in helping to throw a lifeline to these folks. If you could help us with a gift of $30 to help that one struggling family, it will accomplish that.
Let me give you an example from a woman we’ll call Nancy. “I was worried about my adult son. He became very angry and troubled after his little brother was disabled by a car accident. He got into drugs and I didn’t know what to do. I called Focus and spoke with your counselors and they sent me follow-up resources. Because of you (and may I say, because of you), my son is now sober and has nothing to do with drugs. And I want you to know how much you mean to me.”
You know what, folks? We’re doing this together. We have touched Nancy and her family, her sons in a way that reveals the grace of God to them. And again, if you can become what we call a “Friend of the Family,” a monthly supporter to this ministry, someone who is stepping right alongside us to be able to provide the help that people like Nancy need, I hope you’ll do that. And I hope you’ll do it today. And we’d like to show our appreciation by sending you some great resources–magazines, CDs, and other Focus tools to help you and your family. Do it today. We need you. Nancy needs you.
John: And it’s a quick call. Our number is 800-A-FAMILY; 800, the letter A and the word FAMILY. Or you can donate at www.focusonthefamily.com/radio.
Our program was provided by Focus on the Family and on behalf of Jim Daly and the entire team here, thanks for listening in today. I’m John Fuller, inviting you back tomorrow, when you’ll hear how Jesus Christ made all the difference in Marilyn Williams’ life, when we’ll once again, offer trusted advice to help you and your family thrive.
