Moving Forward After the Death of a Loved One

I don’t know how to move forward after my husband’s death. He battled challenging health problems during the last years of his life, and my entire identity was based on caring for him. Now that he’s gone, I feel empty and lost. My grief is so heavy.

ANSWER:

We’re so sorry to hear of your husband’s death. Losing a spouse or any loved one can be traumatic beyond words. That’s especially true for survivors who have spent so much time as primary caregivers. Our hearts go out to you during this period of grief and readjustment.

Finding hope after loss

The pain of grief is real, yet Jesus promises comfort for those who mourn (Matthew 5:4). Through Him, we can find hope and joy no matter our circumstances. And so, over time, grief can become less intense. However, the sense of loss might never go away completely.

When you face grief in healthy ways, its grip loosens. You can grow around it so that, eventually, your loss won’t consume your thinking and living. But you must give yourself time, space, and honesty to grieve.

Include caring, non-judgmental people in your circle. Reach out to those you trust most, and consider connecting regularly with a pastor or counselor. You might also want to join a recovery program through a local church. If you’re not sure where to turn, our licensed or pastoral counselors would be glad to talk with you. You can call 1-855-771-HELP (4357) for a free phone consultation.

In the meantime, here’s a closer look at four keys essentials to moving forward after the death of a loved one:

• Accept the reality of your loss.
• Experience the pain of grief.
• Adjust to an environment without your loved one.
• Invest your emotional energy in life-giving relationships.

Accept the reality of your loss

An important part of moving forward is to overcome the natural denial response and accept that your loved one is physically dead. Attending the viewing, funeral, and burial services — and visiting where your loved one’s body is laid to rest — can help with this process.

Also, talk openly about the deceased person or the circumstances surrounding their death. As you do, you are freer to embrace the consolation of knowing that the spiritual life goes on and that Christians don’t grieve as if they don’t have hope.

Experience the pain of grief

When a loved one dies, it’s tempting to avoid pain by bottling up or rejecting emotions. However, bypassing the grieving process can lead to emotional and physical problems. It’s OK to feel all kinds of emotions. Life as you knew it got knocked off its axis, so feeling disoriented isn’t unusual.

The only way to overcome grief is to move with and through it as your feelings come and go. Fully experiencing pain can provide genuine relief. Let yourself cry. Pray, journal, and — as we mentioned earlier— talk with a safe friend, pastor, or therapist.

Adjust to an environment without your loved one

Many caregivers struggle with the loss of identity you described. You were immersed in caring for your husband. So to experience his sudden absence would certainly leave you feeling unsure what to do.

When you doubt your place in this world, remember that your identity is rooted in the one true God who has always known and loved you. And when you have a personal relationship with His son, Jesus, your identity is secure.

At the same time, we realize that there’s still the question of how to make it through day-to-day life without the presence of your loved one. Find new routines that offer comfort and healing. Get out in nature, listen to music, worship alone and with others, learn new skills, and stay connected with family and close friends. And if you dread coming home to an empty house, you might consider getting a pet.

Invest in healthy, life-giving relationships

As you start to find your footing, you’ll begin to regain emotional energy. Connect with people who share your values and interests. New, supportive friendships can help you build a vision for a hopeful future — even though loss will still hurt.

People often feel guilty if they start enjoying life or making new friends after the death of a loved one. Yet, you want to reach a point where you can remember and honor the person while still living your life with the days God has given you.

However, don’t feel like you have to rush to this stage. For example, maybe going to a party doesn’t match your current state of mind. Instead, have coffee and visit with one good friend. Or, if gathering with others outside your family feels too stressful right now, focus more time and energy on your children and grandchildren.

Stay hopeful

Look to the Lord for comfort, strength, and guidance. Also, ask Him for the grace to connect your husband’s life with his death. When you accept the reality of his death and the impact of his life, you can grieve your loss while also honoring what you’ll always have.

“You can continue to love and cherish the story of an earthly life that is now over,” writes H. Norman Wright in Experiencing the Loss of a Family Member.

Your loved one’s death does not cancel his or her life or your history together. As you relive and retell the stories again and again, you will discover something new each time. Events in your life will remind you of the person and his or her continuing importance to you. Your life was shaped by who this person was; who he or she was can move you, strengthen your values and make a difference in your world.

Jesus Christ is the same yesterday, today, and forever, and He’ll hold you steady while you find your next foothold.

If you’d like to talk more, please call our licensed or pastoral counselors at 1-855-771-HELP (4357). You can also browse the resources below.