Husband Still Struggling After Wife’s Affair

How can we move forward in our marriage after going through a crisis of infidelity? A year and a half ago, I committed adultery. My spouse says he forgives me, but it's obvious that he still has a lot of anger. I'm doing everything I can to show him that I love him and that I'm repentant. I've asked God to forgive me, and I believe He has, but I want to feel that my spouse forgives me too. What can I do to help him stop dwelling on the past?

You’re to be commended for confessing your fault and asking forgiveness of both God and your spouse. That took a great deal of humility and courage on your part. Without that necessary first step there can be no restoration of the relationship.

But it’s important to remember that it’s only the first step. Nothing shakes up a marriage quite like an affair, and you can’t expect to reverse the damage overnight. Your spouse is still reeling; he feels betrayed, and you have to allow him to work through the pain and anguish of that experience.

It’s easy to say that “time heals all wounds.” However, very little healing can happen unless there’s a shift at the heart of your marriage. Without that, you can become trapped in an ongoing pattern of grief, anger, or depression.

You’ve made a hopeful beginning, and there’s a lot you can do to keep moving in the right direction to save your marriage. At this stage in the game, you and your spouse need to work together to discover the distorted thought processes and root issues that led to your adultery in the first place.

Many times these lie so deep that they actually pre-date the marriage. It usually takes two people to make a relationship more vulnerable to negative influences, and unless the causes of this vulnerability are identified and dealt with, you run the risk of falling into the same trap again in the future. The fact that you’ve confessed and asked forgiveness now doesn’t guarantee you’ll have healthier coping skills the next time you face trials or temptations.

Given the rawness of your wounds, it’s unrealistic to suppose that you and your spouse can resolve these issues on your own. No one expects cardiac patients to perform surgery on themselves. In the same way, a marriage that has been through the devastation of infidelity needs the healing touch of a highly skilled third party – a trained professional therapist – to survive.

For this reason, we’d strongly suggest that you and your husband attend marital counseling together. The two of you can consider weekly sessions or a one-time intensive marriage counseling program. If your spouse is unwilling to join you, we encourage you to meet with a counselor by yourself.

If you need help to find a qualified therapist, call our professional and pastoral counselors for a free consultation at 1-855-771-HELP (4357). They’d be glad to talk with you, and they can give you referrals to trained counselors in your area.

In the meantime, we recommend you and your husband study together Dave Carder’s book Torn Asunder. You can also dig into the other resources listed below.

Resources

Your Next Steps: What to Do When Your Spouse Is Unfaithful

Torn Asunder: Recovering From an Extramarital Affair (workbook)

I Do Again: We Found a Second Chance at Our Marriage – And You Can Too

Hope for Every Marriage

Mended

Happily Even After

Healing a Marriage After an Affair

Marital Challenges (resource list)

Overcoming the Betrayal of an Affair (broadcast)

Rebuilding Trust in Your Marriage After Infidelity (broadcast)

Nothing to Hide: Hope for Marriages Hurt by Pornography and Infidelity