Living With a Spouse Who Has Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder

My spouse has obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD). She’s anxious and worried all the time. For example, she won’t go to bed without checking the front door at least 10 times. And I make good money, but she’s always afraid we can’t pay our bills. It’s driving me crazy!

ANSWER:

NOTE: This article can only offer a brief overview of a complex topic. If you or someone you know is struggling with signs of obsessive-compulsive disorder, don’t try to self-diagnose. Instead, call our Counseling team at 1-855-771-HELP (4357) for a free over-the-phone consultation. They can give you a list of referrals to licensed therapists in your area who specialize in treating OCD. You can also find resources through the website for the International OCD Foundation (iocdf.org). 

Living with someone who has OCD can be incredibly hard. Some families pretend their loved one doesn’t have obsessive-compulsive disorder. Others give in and let the person’s habits control their lives.

Both extremes are harmful. You’re wise to recognize that your spouse’s behavior is concerning and that it needs to be addressed. Managing OCD in relationships requires patience, understanding, and a willingness to seek professional help when needed.

What is obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD)?

Obsessive-compulsive disorder is an anxiety disorder that usually has two parts: thoughts and behaviors. (However, a person with OCD can sometimes have obsessions without compulsions, and they can have compulsions without obsessions. This makes the disorder complicated.)

• Obsessions are persistent, unwanted thoughts about specific topics.
• Compulsions are behaviors a person uses to try to get obsessive thoughts out of their mind.

In short, someone with OCD often has intrusive, anxiety-producing obsessive thoughts. And to try to get rid of these unwanted thoughts, an individual with OCD often acts on compulsive behaviors (repetitive actions or rituals). They could also be gripped by a thought (urge) that they should do something — even if they don’t follow through.

For example, excessive handwashing is one of the best-known examples of a compulsion. The initial obsession that can lead to such behavior is ongoing, anxious thoughts about germs. Your wife’s all-consuming concern with locking the doors is another typical manifestation of OCD.

How to manage OCD in your marriage

Someone who struggles with obsessive-compulsive disorder sees the world differently from the rest of us. In a way, they experience another reality. You can help break the pattern by questioning that reality and challenging false perceptions.

Help your spouse reframe her perceptions and reevaluate her thoughts.

When she’s on her way to check the door for the fifth time, say, You don’t need to do that again, honey. We already know that the door is locked.

Don’t get angry if she contradicts you.

Instead, gently hold your ground, yet show compassion by empathizing with her emotions. Say something like, You may feel like the door is still unlocked. I understand that those feelings make you anxious. But there’s no reason to be afraid. Then, prove your point by taking her to the door and trying the handle yourself.

Repeat the process as often as needed, and consider using humor.

You could say, Don’t tell me — did that door just unlock itself again? Individuals with OCD often realize that their fears are unreasonable, even though they find them irresistible. Humor can sometimes provide an objective point of view to help break the cycle.

Separate the obsessive-compulsive disorder from your spouse’s personality.

If your spouse says, Do you think I should go back and check the door? you can respond, That’s your OCD talking, not you. If she starts worrying about bills, show her the bank statement and say, You know that those fears aren’t valid. They’re the voices of OCD, and you have the power to tell them to go away and leave you alone.”

How can I find professional help for my spouse with OCD?

Counseling is an important first step to treating OCD. (And it’s a necessary step toward medication as another treatment option. But choose that approach only if you and your wife agree that it’s necessary, and only after a thorough, professional evaluation from a qualified and licensed Christian psychologist or psychiatrist.)

Call our licensed or pastoral counselors at 1-855-771-HELP (4357) for a free over-the-phone consultation. They’d be happy to talk with you about your situation. They can also give you a list of referrals to psychologists in your area who specialize in treating OCD.

And for more information, visit the International OCD Foundation’s website, and read Brain Lock: Free Yourself From Obsessive-Compulsive Behavior. (Please note that both the website and book are secular, so we can’t guarantee that all their stances align with Focus on the Family’s Christian worldview. However, their content can be helpful.)