When my husband asks to make love, and I respond that I’m not in the mood for sex, he gets angry and tells me that there are all kinds of things that he does for me when he’s “not in the mood” – like go to work, was the dishes, and help with housework. I’ve tried to explain that it’s not the same thing, but either he isn’t listening or he doesn’t believe me. How do we deal with mismatched libidos?
ANSWER:
It’s true that discomfort with sex is vastly different from discomfort with a job or other necessary aspect of life. This is especially true for women, whose feelings about intimacy are subject to the hormonal fluctuations of a monthly cycle and whose general orientation toward sexual stimulation and pleasure is different from that of a man.
What intimacy means for a woman
For a woman, sex requires a willingness to be vulnerable, transparent, and open to her husband’s advances. It involves an ability to trust, which can be difficult if she’s had a history of abuse, rape, or mistreatment by men. If she feels used — or if she’s uncomfortable for any reason with any aspect of sex — she won’t be able to relax and enjoy the moment.
That’s not to mention that a woman’s sexual response usually takes more time and is tied to feelings of romance and emotional intimacy. In fact, her arousal cycle can take as long as 30 to 45 minutes to reach completion. If a couple’s entire sex act only lasts 10 or 15 minutes, she won’t even have a chance to get going. This is a common reason some women come away from sex feeling cheapened.
If your husband is pushing you into doing things you don’t feel inclined to do, he’s preventing your openness and vulnerability. He’s harming your ability to trust. He’s forcing you into a corner where you feel like you have no choice but to get defensive. That spells death to genuinely meaningful intimacy, and so you owe it to each other to find a solution.
Communicate with your husband
We encourage you to have a meaningful conversation with your husband. Don’t put it off until you’re in bed together. Don’t wait until he’s angry and you’re on the defensive. Instead, go out to dinner and talk about your feelings openly and honestly.
Assume the best of him. Explain your perspective and listen carefully to what he has to say in reply. Share how him backing off a bit and waiting for you to take the lead is in his best interests. If he can do this, your interest in physical intimacy might revive, and the two of you could discover an exciting new sex life together.
Understand God’s design for sex
As you go through this process, keep in mind that the sexual aspect of your marriage is important. It’s not something that you can afford to ignore if you want to build a lifelong relationship.
From a Christian perspective, sex is the ultimate expression of physical, emotional, and spiritual unity between a husband and wife. It’s a wondrous, beautiful, holy, self-transcendent, and sacramental experience. It’s a picture of the mystery of Christ’s relationship with the Church (Ephesians 5:31-32).
That said, for now, set aside any guilt or unrealistic expectations, and simply extend acts of self-sacrificial love — whether in the bedroom or another part of your marriage. Hopefully, this change in perspective, when combined with a healthy dose of relational communication, will begin to open new avenues of sexual expression.
Don’t be afraid to get help
If you recognize that you’re missing out on the fun and joy of God’s glorious plan for marital intimacy, we strongly recommend the book Intimate Issues: 21 Questions Christian Women Ask About Sex. And we’ve listed more resource suggestions below.
In addition, professional therapy can also be of great benefit to couples in your situation. Would you let us come alongside you? Our professional and pastoral counselors would welcome the chance to hear your story and talk with you in more detail. Call Focus on the Family for a free consultation at 1-855-771-HELP (4357). The team can also refer you to qualified counselors and Christian therapists in your area.
Resources
If a title is currently unavailable through Focus on the Family, we encourage you to use another retailer.
No More Headaches: Enjoying Sex and Intimacy in Marriage
Enjoying Physical Intimacy As a Woman
Pursuing Passion in Your Marriage
Rethinking Godly Sexuality in Your Marriage
Red-Hot Monogamy: Making Your Marriage Sizzle
Intimate Issues: Twenty-One Questions Christian Women Ask about Sex
Simple Ways to Help Your Husband Feel Loved
Understanding Different Sexual Needs
Marital Intimacy (resource list)
