During the Christmas season, so many things clamor for our attention. Chances are, we spend more time baking treats and untangling string lights than paying attention to the person we promised to have and to hold. But our significant other is an adult and will understand, right? We might think, We’ll reconnect sometime in June when we finally take that vacation we promised each other three summers ago.
So, how can husbands and wives stay connected amid activity overload during Christmastime? Here are some tips my wife and I have found helpful in our marriage.
1: Pay attention, intentionally
A transaction takes place every time we focus our attention on something. It’s built into the phrase pay attention. Similar to compound interest, the more attention we pay to our spouse, the more the connection grows.
In what areas of your marriage are you investing your attention wisely, and in what areas are you careening further into a relationship deficit? Don’t let your relationship go bankrupt because your attention is directed elsewhere. Make intentional “attention deposits” by giving your spouse your presence well before the presents are set under the tree.
One of the relationship travesties of the Christmas commotion is that we can circle around our spouse for an entire day, week or month during the season without actually looking in each other’s eyes. Eye contact is the pathway to attention.
Make the choice together to stop multitasking while talking. To combat this tendency, my wife, Naomi, and I make time to sit next to each other on the couch and talk at least once a day. And we make sure to leave our phones somewhere else before we settle in for our chat. We’ve found that by pausing and directing our eyes and shoulders toward each other, we’re already showing love before either of us says a word.
It’s hard to love your spouse well if you’re not paying attention. Intentionality doesn’t have to be profound or overly complex. It simply means building new habits on small choices.
Christmas is the perfect time to develop a new habit of pausing intentionally and paying attention to your spouse with your eyes and posture.
2: Start asking good questions again
Do you remember spending hours asking each other questions when you and your spouse were dating? Now, after years of marriage, your questions may be more pragmatic, like, “Did you buy the milk?” or “Can you pick up Billy at 5 o’clock?”
Marriage, however, isn’t purely transactional. It’s a discovery. It should be about learning and growing with each other. New seasons bring forth new ways to know one another more fully.
My wife and I strive to focus on serving each other in our conversations. When I feel like I’m losing connection with her, I take the initiative to ask questions about things she cares about. In response, Naomi becomes animated as she shares what she’s excited or nervous about. Just taking the time to ask her questions about the important parts of her day rekindles our connection and helps the conversation flow.
All humans have a profound need to know and be known. Give that gift to your spouse this Christmas. It will mean far more than a new pair of slippers or a pack of underwear.
3: Write an “I see you” note or text
During the holidays, do you tend to focus a little too much on the things your spouse is doing that annoy you, or how you’re doing way more holiday preparation than your spouse?
If so, start choosing to notice all the things you appreciate and cherish about your husband or wife. We see what we choose to look for. I’ve chosen to pay attention to who my wife really is and notice things about her that I often take for granted. As I pay attention to these things, I start to see her again. Paying attention opens my eyes to nuanced blessings that have gone unnoticed.
To remind myself of the things I appreciate about her, I make notes to myself throughout the day. And I often write an “I see you” note to her about the beautiful things I’ve observed. I’ll tape the note on the bathroom mirror in the morning before she gets up or tuck it under the coffee maker for her to find.
In the hectic pace of holiday activities, make daily choices to stay connected in your marriage by paying attention to your relationship and pausing to notice the things you love about your spouse. It’s the lifeblood of a Christlike love for each other and the beating heart of your family. Give your life partner the gift of being seen and appreciated!
