Luisa’s husband pursued her sexually with great passion during their first year of marriage, but that changed. Ramon began getting up at night and sleeping on the couch. He explained that his back was giving him problems and that sleeping on the couch was more comfortable. Past sexual experiences caused Luisa to fear that his sexual interest in her was diminishing. “It’s like he’s leaving me on purpose,” she shared. “He’s been initiating sex less often, and I think it’s because he is not happy with our sex life.”
Luisa’s first and second husbands both left her for other women, and fear caused her to believe that Ramon would as well. Even though Ramon explained that his behavior was related to back pain, Luisa’s fears caused her to judge his motives negatively; she believed that his sleeping on the couch was a sign that his desire for her was waning.
Caught in the Past
When asked about their partner’s previous sexual relationships, 90 percent of healthy couples in a large national study of blended family couples agreed that there was nothing to be worried about. However, in 42 percent of less healthy couples, at least one partner showed concern about their partner’s previous sexual experiences1. Visit Smart Stepfamilies for details.
In addition, unhappy couples were twice as likely as moderately satisfied couples, and four times as likely as strong couples, to report feeling concerned about the previous sexual experiences of their partner. Luisa’s fears are one example of what seems to cause couples difficulty: how previous sexual experiences compare to the current sexual relationship is another.
It’s very important you move beyond these concerns so they don’t hide below the surface of your relationship. Discuss any concerns you might have with your mate; be careful not to compare the current sexual relationship with the past, but express your desire for how you would like to see your relationship improve.
Todd and Carla’s Story
Todd’s first wife left him and their two girls, essentially, for her drug addiction. She just disappeared. His second wife duped him, he told me. “She pretended to be a Christian, but as soon as we married, she completely changed. She was erratic and hostile to my girls—and cared nothing for the Lord. So when I met Carla, I was really careful. I didn’t rush to get married. She has proven to be a wonderful Christian woman, and we basically get along well. But we still struggle with some things.”
Carla then explained that their sex life had taken a downward turn. “Initially, we were very comfortable with each other sexually,” she added, “but lately, I just can’t get past the stress of his girls, and he seems uncertain of me all of a sudden.”
I asked Todd what she meant. “My second wife made a fool out of me, and I vowed never to let that happen again. The conflict between Carla and my girls has me wondering if I’ve made another mistake. It’s hard to be intimate sexually when I’m not sure which direction my family is headed.”
Carla and Todd were dealing with one of the sexual pitfalls that are common to a blended family marriage. Stress negatively impacts a marriage, of course. However, in a blended family, the nature of the stressors can be different from that of a non-blended family, as seen in Carla and Todd’s story.
Some unique stressors include navigating the stepparent role, helping children grieve the past and accept the present, and working across households with a former spouse to parent children. Couples need to attend to these and other unique stressors so they don’t disconnect from each other and slip into a sexual pitfall.
5 Common Sexual Pitfalls in Blended Families
Here are five common issues that spouses in blended families or who have a sexual past might experience.
Pitfall #1: Insecurity
Your perceived value to your partner and how you think about yourself as a sexual person either helps you relax into sexual vulnerability or makes you cautious and scrutinizing; it either opens you up or closes you off. Given the painful rejections in his previous marriages, Todd’s withdrawal from sex with Carla was understandable, but it was still hurting their marriage. Building emotional walls to protect himself (and his girls) from further hurt was limiting the opportunities to connect sexually with his wife and was sending Carla a message that she wasn’t important to him.
Another insecurity pitfall relates to how you think about yourself. You press the brakes to sexual desire and arousal if you think, “I don’t like my body. My ex didn’t like my body either; there’s no way my spouse can find my body arousing,” or “Am I doing this right?”
On the other hand, you press the accelerator if you think, “I am a sexual person and have God’s blessing on this marital sexual experience so I can have confidence in my sensuality and share it freely,” or “Let me ask if this pleases my spouse so I can bring them more pleasure.” Feeling comfortable in your God-given sexual skin honors God as the creator of sex, makes the sexual connection more likely, and awakens pleasure. Insecurity, however, diminishes it.
Wounds Add Insecurity
Memories of a previous sexual relationship can add insecurity to a blended family marriage. One client said to me, “My first wife complained constantly that I wasn’t a good lover—that I didn’t know how to please a woman. I don’t want to fail again, so I’m not going to initiate sex very often.” His fear of being inadequate dramatically impacted his new marriage.
You need to identify the residue of leftover pain from past sexual relationships and then work through it. Otherwise, it can show up in multiple ways in a new marriage, especially in the bedroom. I helped this man identify and grieve his past pain and then choose to trust that open communication with his wife could bring about a different result in their sex life. Fear preaches that we should withhold, stay on guard, and self-protect. Love invites us to risk and see ourselves as worthy so we can give the best of our worth to the other.
Wounds on your heart breed insecurity. Karen’s first husband brought pornographic expectations into their bedroom and then belittled her when she couldn’t replicate what he had seen porn stars do. Outside the bedroom, he controlled her time, energy, and emotions. Marriage, for Karen, was never a safe place to be herself. “I don’t know why I’m guarded with Tom, my second husband,” she said. “He is a generous, loving Christian man, but I can’t seem to relax.”
Jesus, Help My Unbelief!
“Of course not,” I told her. “Your body, brain, and soul must unlearn many things before you can entrust yourself to the process of lovemaking. It’s like the man in Mark 9 who told Jesus, ‘I believe; help my unbelief!’ There are two sides of you battling over what to believe, and that’s to be expected for a while. But with each choice you make to ‘believe,’ that is, to move toward your husband emotionally and physically, you give your ‘usness’ a chance to experience emotional safety and love. Then it becomes easier to trust his faithfulness.”
By the way, where do thoughts of “unbelief” come from? Do they come from God? Or are they lies told about God, about yourself, or the purpose of sex? Lies don’t bring freedom in the bedroom. Confront them with God’s truth to avoid the pitfall of insecurity.
Pitfall #2: Blended Family Stress
Sometimes, men desire sex as a way of relaxing from stress. Typically, women can’t enjoy sex unless they are already relaxed. For most couples, the first few years of blended family life are very stressful.
If a parent and stepparent, for example, don’t yet agree on how to parent together, the stress of their conflict can quickly sabotage marital intimacy. Couples must work toward resolving the issues in their blended family and, at the same time, merging their sexual selves. To fight the disconnect, find good answers to common stepfamily questions at SmartStepfamilies.com and make sex a priority by carving out time and designating a sacred space (for example, your bedroom).
Pitfall #3: Comparisons
Marital sexuality is meant by God to be an intimate experience that somehow points to the ultimate “marriage” we‘ll experience in heaven when the Bridegroom comes for his Bride (the people who trust in Jesus as their Savior and Lord). Said another way, sex is a little piece of heaven right here on earth—a piece of heaven that intimately touches every part of us.
So how does someone who has given themselves in such an intimate manner and tasted heaven with a former spouse make the switch to a new partner? How does someone widowed after a beautiful 30-year marriage with the love of his or her life switch the most intimate part of their heart to another person? Isn’t some piece of them still left behind in the first relationship?
To avoid this blended family marriage pitfall, notice what you are paying attention to. Focus on your current partner, and don’t dwell on comparisons that can lead to disappointment. If you allow your mind to dwell on a previous sexual relationship or experience, you’re focusing on the wrong thing. Because people tend to reminisce on positive experiences, you will likely find your current sex life lacking. The comparison then adds disappointment. Keep your heart and mind focused on the present. Strive to make this sexual relationship all it can be, and don’t compare it to the past.
Memories of the Past
Don’t worry if you have a passing sexual memory of a previous spouse: This is common. When this happens, some people wonder if there’s something wrong with them or if they’ve sinned against their new spouse. Jesus said that it’s the heart that matters; our intentions are what defile us (Matthew 15:10-20). A spontaneous memory does not necessarily represent your heart.
But if you entertain that memory and hold on to it, you are moving your heart away from your spouse and into a dangerous direction. Replace those memories with positive thoughts about your current spouse. Focus your mind on the one you are committed to now.
Pitfall #4: Not Learning New Rhythms
You can avoid another sexual pitfall in your blended family marriage by unlearning the sexual rhythms of the past and learning new rhythms in the present. Sexual partners develop rhythms and routines of sexual behavior, such as which sex acts they engage in regularly and which ones occasionally, how often they have sex, and how they communicate about sex. You need to unlearn the past routines and perhaps even grieve them while you begin to develop new patterns in your current marriage.
This doesn’t happen easily. It takes effort to not expect your partner, for example, to always lock the door or verbally communicate their sexual preferences the way your previous partner did. It takes effort to find your voice and give your spouse direction about how to pleasure you, even as you learn what pleases them. You must set aside old patterns and create new ones.
Pitfall #5: Focusing Too Much on Sex
Sex is much more than just sexual pleasure. It’s a meaningful soul connection that happens when two people share the deepest parts of themselves. In the book I wrote with David Olson called The Smart Stepfamily Marriage, we share a story about Edna and Charles. At 74, Edna had a strong sense of her sexual self. “I can’t jump around the bedroom like I did in my first marriage,” she began, “but Charles and I really do enjoy each other sexually.”
Charles and Edna had recently married, just a few years after the death of their spouses. “I used to think sex was all about positions, orgasms, and how sexy I looked. But then I realized that the most important part of sex is myself. I have to bring myself to the experience. And when I do, Charles and I enjoy a tenderness that is incredible.”
Sex for Edna and Charles is not based on sexual functioning. They don’t focus on sex but on making love to the person. This mature view of sexuality results in a more profound experience of oneness. In the bedroom, couples should dance with their eyes locked, not looking at their feet to make sure they get the steps right, but rather looking deeply into the heart of the person God has gifted them with.
Some stressors in a blended family marriage may be unique, but they’re not insurmountable. Together, you can recognize what’s hampering your sexual relationship and then work together to address it.
7 Tips for Creating a Positive Sexual Experience
1. Don’t Make Comparisons in Your Mind…or Out Loud!
“Why can’t you touch me the way John did?” isn’t going to breed confidence in your partner. Keep your comparisons to yourself! Nor should you linger on comparisons in your own mind. Doing so keeps you looking back instead of connecting to the moment at hand.
2. Stay Open to New Preferences
Your new spouse’s sexual preferences may vary from their previous spouse. Don’t think that what “worked” previously will work again. Listen to verbal and nonverbal messages telling you your spouse’s preferences.
3. Calm Your Insecurities
If you were sexually rejected or traumatized in the past, be careful not to let your insecurities or anxiety run ahead of you.
4. Give Yourself Time to Develop a Groove as a Couple
Learning how to read one another, when to respond with a specific touch, or what your couple’s sexual style is will take time. Learn as you go, and share what you learn.
5. Confront Your Sexual Ghosts.
Don’t be quick to make negative assumptions about your spouse’s motivations or behavior. When fearful, try to take small risks to increase your willingness to trust.
6. Don’t Ignore or Overreact to Sexual Problems
It’s normal for couples to have a sexual conflict in marriage. Don’t panic if you encounter difficulty, especially if you are aware that your spouse had a good sex life formerly. Remember, it’s only a comparison if you make it one. Talk it through, and, if necessary, find a Christian marriage therapist experienced in dealing with sexual issues.
7. If You Are Stuck Worrying About Your Spouse’s Former Sexual Experiences, Strive To Accept Being “Second.”
In my experience, people who get stuck are struggling with not being their mate’s “first and only” sexual partner. Accepting that your spouse has had other sexual experiences does not mean your sex life can’t be wonderful. If you are “exclusive in their heart” now, then strive to rest in that assurance.
Resolving Sexual Pasts in Your Marriage
Remember Luisa and Ramon? We discussed their issue at the beginning of this article. With intentional effort, Luisa and Ramon were able to overcome their sexual frustrations. First, they worked together to create opportunities for positive sexual experiences. Given Ramon’s back problems, the couple had to be more intentional and rely less on night-time spontaneity to present them with opportunities to engage in sex. They began periodically meeting at home for lunch while the kids were at school, and they planned other opportune times to connect sexually.
Second, Luisa began to work on how her fear was influencing her to misjudge her husband’s heart. She made a list of triggers (behaviors, words, and feelings) that activated her fear and what actions she took when she was upset. She and Ramon then worked together over time to help her reduce the influence of fear on their marriage. Eventually, her fears decreased significantly. As their relational and sexual communication increased over time, a strong sexual intimacy developed.
- Deal, R.L. & Olson, D.H., National Survey of Couples Creating Stepfamilies. ↩︎
