Estimated reading time: 8 minutes
You almost expect a few duds every Christmas. The pink and green potholders from Aunt Sarah. The as-seen-on-TV wonder gadget from Uncle Dan. Books you’ll never read, clothes you’ll never wear—in a Christmas culture saturated with gift-giving, it’s inevitable that a few presents will leave you scratching your head. Still, you smile and offer your thanks, telling yourself that the well-intentioned giver probably just doesn’t know you that well.
Sometimes, however, those dud gifts aren’t so easy to shrug off, especially when they come from the one person who is supposed to know you best: your spouse. It doesn’t matter how long you’ve been married or how deeply you think you know each other; chances are good, your spouse will, at some point, buy you a present that’ll have you sifting through the paper scraps to find a gift receipt.
Worse than that initial disappointment, though, are the feelings that your spouse doesn’t have a clue about you or your interests: “Does he really think I wear a size 14?” “I can’t believe she thinks I’ll read this.” “Golf clubs? Really? Are these for me or for him?”
And then there’s the other side of the equation: Your experience as a giver. There will be times when you’re excited about that “perfect” gift you’ve found, only to see from the look on your spouse’s face that it will probably end up collecting dust on a closet shelf. That less-than-enthusiastic reaction can leave you feeling deflated and unappreciated. It can leave you wondering what your spouse really wants for Christmas each year.
A lesson in gift-giving contentment
It was Christmas Eve, and I watched as a sister-in-law lifted genuine ruby earrings from a gift box.
“Oh, they’re beautiful!” she exclaimed to her husband. Next, she pulled a matching ruby necklace from its velvet case.
I looked on with envy as the gemstones glowed in the soft light of the fireplace. Suddenly, all the light of Christmas and its true meaning left my heart. I was no longer grateful for my husband’s gift of a soft, warm bathrobe—an item I’d requested—or for all the blessings in my life.
Later that night, I dumped some negative emotions on my husband. Since that was probably 30 years ago, I don’t remember what I said, but I know my words discouraged him. After grumbling, I caught myself, apologized, and repented of my bad attitude.
I’m ashamed to say it, but I allowed my materialistic attitude to affect my marriage that evening. The next morning, I read Proverbs 20:15 in my devotions: “Gold there is, and rubies in abundance, but lips that speak knowledge are a rare jewel.” The Lord gently reminded me that rubies and diamonds are just stones, but knowledge of God is the most precious thing on earth.
After that experience, I learned how to be content at Christmas by focusing more on God’s Word and a good relationship with my husband and less on the things of the world.
But it’s not always easy to avoid the consumerism that pushes us to lust after more things, even though those desires can cause conflict in a marriage. Here’s what helped me become less distracted by the material world.
Tips for avoiding gift-giving stress this Christmas
Christmas is a season for peace, a time for warm family memories and remembrance of our Savior’s arrival on Earth. It shouldn’t be a time when conflict is triggered by little things wrapped in pretty paper. So here are a few reminders to help you steer clear of gift-giving hard feelings between you and your spouse this Christmas:
1. Remember God’s Word
First, remind yourselves of the biblical cautions against materialism and envy:
- “For all that is in the world — the desires of the flesh and the desires of the eyes and pride of life — is not from the Father but is from the world” (1 John 2:16).
- “For where envy and self-seeking exist, confusion and every evil thing are there” (James 3:16).
- “A sound heart is life to the body, but envy is rottenness to the bones” (Proverbs 14:30).
Next, fight against greed and learn how to be content with these verses:
- “But seek first the kingdom of God and his righteousness, and all these things will be added to you” (Matthew 6:33).
- “But I say, walk by the Spirit, and you will not gratify the desires of the flesh. For the desires of the flesh are against the Spirit, and the desires of the Spirit are against the flesh, for these are opposed to each other, to keep you from doing the things you want to do” (Galatians 5:16-17).
- “Keep your life free from love of money, and be content with what you have, for he has said, ‘I will never leave you nor forsake you.’ “ (Hebrews 13:5).
2. Spend more time learning and less time shopping
Try to avoid those extended shopping trips where you hope to stumble upon an acceptable gift. Instead, establish a habit of educating yourself about your spouse’s hobbies and other interests. Look through his or her catalogs. When you go shopping together, notice the items that catch your spouse’s eye. Ask questions. Do your homework on GPS fish finders or scrapbooking materials. While your research may not guarantee your gift will be a hit, it will communicate to your spouse that you earnestly value his or her interests.
3. Don’t expect your spouse to read your mind
Let’s see if I can say this without generalizing too much: Men often have a difficult time knowing what gifts their wife would like. As a member of the male gender, I’ve been there before. We sort through our memories of the past couple of months, trying to decipher whatever vague gift hints were floated our way, but more often than not, our offerings fall short of what our wife was expecting. (And for me, “fall short” really means “fail spectacularly.”)
So, if you know of a few things that you’d really like for Christmas this year, make sure your spouse knows as well. For many husbands (and yes, many wives), no hint is too obvious. Spell it out. Give each other catalog clippings, if necessary, or links to online wish lists.
4. Get on the same budget page about gift-giving
The rough condition of the economy will undoubtedly affect everyone’s holiday this year. And even in good times, money spent on gifts can be a sore point in marriages, whether it’s one spouse being a little too thrifty or another busting the bank on big-ticket gifts. So, when you’re talking about Christmas lists and other holiday plans, make sure you’re operating with the same budget in mind. At the very least, establish a limit to how much you’ll spend on each other.
5. Avoid constant shopping
It helped me to cut back on shopping and perusing all the sales. After setting a Christmas budget with your spouse, make a list and stick to it. Then stop studying every offer that pops up on your phone or wherever. I tend to want to buy more than is on our list because I think I can find something better. But finding the “perfect” present isn’t as important as your relationship with your spouse or your spiritual health.
6. Prioritize experiences, not things
Planning inexpensive activities can keep you in the Christmas spirit and away from the desires of the flesh and eyes. In the past, we’ve cut down our Christmas tree as a couple (and then as a family), enjoyed a free piano recital at a historic hotel all decked out for the holiday, and drove at night through beautifully decorated neighborhoods. We also focus on serving others. For years, we rang the Salvation Army bell together as a family, filled Samaritan’s Purse shoe boxes, served at a homeless shelter, or helped with church concerts.
7. Create simple traditions surrounding gift-giving
There are many presents I’ve received throughout the years that I’ve now forgotten. Yet certain gifts come with a deep meaning that endures, even though they’re inexpensive or cost-free.
For example, each year, my husband gives me a Christmas tree ornament as a symbol of his love for me. Jeff gave me the first ornament after we were engaged, and it came with a love letter that said, “As our love grows and continues, each Christmas you shall receive one of these as a sign that my love is still strong, and each will show in a holiday display that our love continues to fill out and cover all facets of our life.”
I now have more than 36 ornaments, each one reminding us of a different year in our lives. One year, when I was having bad health issues, and we were praying for healing, Jeff gave me an ornament that spells out the word hope. It’s now a great reminder of how God carried us through that season and of my husband’s encouragement and support.
My tradition every year is to write a letter to Jeff in a special Christmas journal, acknowledging the specific ways he’s shown his love to me throughout the year and how much I appreciate him. Reliving those memories once a year is priceless.
What gift-giving traditions will help you focus on the jewels of your relationship with your spouse and God instead of the jewels of the world?
Remember, it’s not (always) about you
Sure, it’s a gift, something that’s supposed to bring you a little happiness. But there is an often-forgotten side to the whole gift-giving tradition: Gifts are a little part of the giver as well. So even though it isn’t the CD or the hobby gear that you might have chosen for yourself, take a moment to consider that your spouse might have hoped to share something that is meaningful to him or her, possibly as a way to spend quality time together. And isn’t that a big part of marriage?
Contentment is the most valuable gift
I still don’t have rubies, but I don’t care. After that Christmas, I told my husband that I no longer desired expensive jewelry. God’s gift of perspective through Proverbs 20:15 gave me great contentment, which is a gift far more valuable than any precious stone.
