Estimated reading time: 10 minutes
Military wives know: The minute your husband deploys and you start a long-distance marriage, everything goes wrong. My husband left for Baghdad on October 13, 2006, our 10-month wedding anniversary. After our last kiss goodbye, I peeled myself out of his arms and forced my legs to carry my body towards the truck I was to drive home away from my other half. It was a gigantic feat. For all I knew, I would never see my husband alive again.
Within 24 hours, I’d found my mother-in-law unconscious; they almost lost her twice in the emergency room. Within 48 hours, I’d accidentally backed my husband’s truck into a parked vehicle. And within 72 hours, I was stranded in the parking lot with a flat tire and a dead battery. If the first three days away from my husband were any indication of the next 362, I wasn’t sure how I’d make it through the year.
The First Phone Call of a Long-Distance Marriage
Though I eagerly awaited my husband’s first call from “the sandbox,” a knot was forming in my stomach. He’d already learned of his mother’s near-death experience seconds before he boarded the plane to Kuwait. Now, I’d have to tell him about the damage I’d done to the truck, his most prized possession. He’s going to kill me, I thought. It would be best not to tell him, but I can’t keep a secret.
Surprisingly, my husband reacted calmly. He made sure I’d contacted our insurance company, then reassured me of his love. I fell asleep that night feeling a bit more at ease. It was the first in a series of God-ordained growth opportunities in our marriage that occurred during our time apart.
To keep myself busy and sane while my husband was gone, I enrolled in a few online college courses. I also took on several freelance writing projects. Between the extra combat pay my husband was receiving and the extra money my writing was bringing in, we paid off a sizeable debt consolidation loan. After we’d conquered the loan, we saved up for a down payment on a house.
Buying a House Alone
Purchasing a house without my husband by my side was stressful, but it gave us a goal to work toward together. My husband spent much of his free time searching local MLS listings online. He’d call me with the numbers, and I’d visit the houses with a realtor, often talking with him on his Iraqi cell phone at the same time. Eventually, we found the perfect house. My husband did what he could to complete his portion of the paperwork from halfway around the world; the rest I completed with my power of attorney.
But the stress from purchasing a house was often the least of our worries. Many times, our phone conversations would end abruptly. I’d have to trust that my husband wouldn’t hang up on me without saying goodbye; he must have lost the connection. I’d also have to trust that God was taking care of my husband, carrying him through until the next time we were able to speak.
Absorbing the Shock of Temporary Separation
Even if you saw a deployment or temporary separation coming, it’s nonetheless hard to take. Your spouse will be going away for a sizeable period of time, leaving you alone and vulnerable as you navigate a long-distance marriage..
Chances are, your brain is a foggy nebulous of what ifs and how tos. Long term, it’s wise not to dwell on these things. But if you don’t address them initially, you might find your worries becoming nagging, constant companions.
Separately, you and your spouse may want to put to paper all the reservations you’re having. Brainstorm scenarios you fear, feelings you’re experiencing, and any other words or phrases that come to mind. Nothing is too silly or absurd to write down.
Not only is this process cleansing, but it serves as a great “talking points” list for the two of you to review together. (If you’d like, write this list in your journal. Review it after the separation is over to see how God met your needs and quelled your fears.)
Be sure to let your guard down before reviewing your spouse’s list. Feelings are feelings; they’re neither right nor wrong. Don’t take anything on your spouse’s list too personally. Instead, react with understanding and compassion. Bend over backward to put your spouse’s mind at ease.
The following questions might be at the forefront of your mind:
- What if we drift apart? Will she remember to call? Will she forget about me? Will only my bad qualities and our tougher times rise to the surface of her memory? These are normal first reactions and emotions. Assure each other of your unconditional love and commitment before, during, and after the absence.
- What if something happens to my spouse? In many situations, this fear is extremely valid. Contract and mission work, as well as deployments, often place individuals in dangerous situations. Turning this fear over to God daily is your only option. Trust that your spouse is in His capable and loving hands. Pray for each other’s safety.
- What if either of us is tempted? Temptation is a fact of life. To avoid being taken by surprise, you must anticipate it. Identify your areas of vulnerability, be they a craving for physical touch, a constant need for attention or a weakness for racy movies. Create a plan of action with your spouse and brainstorm a network of same-gender accountability partners. Don’t forget to keep accountable to your spouse!
- How will I deal with situations I’m not used to handling? Murphy’s Law seems to be the constant companion of separated spouses: The minute your other half becomes “out of pocket,” something will break! Thankfully, you can ward off many disasters with good preparation.
Long-Distance Marriage and the Fear of Drifting Apart
Before he left for Iraq, our relationship had its share of tension. Scared of losing my husband, I cried constantly. In preparation for war, he was shutting down emotionally and having a hard time handling my deluge of emotions. Because we didn’t understand where the other was coming from, we did a great job of fueling each other’s misery. I was sure we would drift apart during his time away, and I’d need help as a lonely military spouse.
But God did great things in our marriage through the deployment, which, after an extension, ended up amounting to 15 months. He used our first few months apart, during which we rarely were able to communicate, to deepen our love and commitment to each other. As the deployment progressed, we were able to communicate more often—at one point, almost daily. Thanks to his cell phone, I was able to talk to my husband while he was out on supply missions and during detainee guards. It helped me understand what he was going through a little better. Though we longed to see each other face-to-face, the time we spent “just talking” was priceless.
My husband is transitioning out of the Army. He will soon spend several months away at a law enforcement academy, home only on the weekends. While we’re not looking forward to the time apart, we know we can accomplish anything after enduring a deployment to Iraq. And we know the God that brought us closer together through a miserable separation will also bless us through this shorter time apart.
How to Prepare For A Long-Distance Marriage
Your spouse’s departure date is fast approaching—faster than you wish it would. In the midst of your vacillating emotions, preparation might be the last thing on your mind.
If one of you is more logically bent, now is the time for him or her to lead pre-departure planning. Your temporary separation will go much smoother if your ducks are in a row, and it will help your long-distance marriage thrive.
1. Locate Important Documents
Locate important documents in case of emergency. Make sure your insurance policies are up to date. If your spouse will not be using his vehicle for a period of time, see if your auto insurance company will temporarily reduce your rates. Make sure both of your names are on loans, credit cards, and any other accounts you might need to handle for your spouse. If need be, acquire power of attorney.
2. Learn How To Do Tasks
Learn how to perform household and emergency tasks you commonly don’t: Changing a tire on your car, fixing a leaky faucet, or relighting the pilot on the water heater. Make a list of friends or professionals to call in case there is something you can’t fix yourself.
3. Budget Together
Communication may be less frequent and more difficult during this time, so plan ahead as to how you’ll use your resources. Will your spouse be bringing in more money? Will his day-to-day expenses be covered by a per diem? If you find your budget with extra money, be sure to commit every extra dollar to a budget category. If possible, make one of those categories “savings,” and tackle any existing debt. Be sure to include a small “splurge” budget for yourself as a preventative measure for unplanned, emotional spending.
4. Spend Quality Time Together.
Spend quality time together without smothering each other. You don’t need to spend every waking moment together (this may irritate one partner), but do feel the extra freedom to say “no” to a few chores, overtime at work, or helping a friend in favor of sleeping in together on a Saturday morning, enjoying a movie together or spending an afternoon fishing.
5. Treasure the Little Things.
Often, it’s the small kindnesses that make the biggest impression on us. Look for ways to serve your spouse quietly and without fanfare. Pitch in and do the dishes when it’s not your turn, or take your spouse’s car for an oil change when he was least expecting it. These random acts of kindness make heartwarming memories.
6. Create Goals
Create goals you can conquer as a couple. The two of you may be in separate worlds (so to speak) during the next few months, and goals constitute a common experience–a precious commodity during these times. What goal will you two choose? Consider cutting sweets out of your diet, reading through the New Testament, praying more often, or anything else you two think up.
7. Listen.
Listen to your spouse without interjecting. Even if you can’t understand his excitement about entering into a dangerous situation or her fear of being alone, do your best to be nonjudgmental and affirming.
Fanning the Flames in a Long-Distance Marriage
A kiss. A reassuring touch. A look. Expressing love to your spouse is easy when you’re both under the same roof. Doing so when you’re miles apart can be tricky. How can you effectively share your heart with the spouse you’re temporarily separated from? Here are some ideas to help you fan the flames in your long-distance marriage.
Ideas for the Spouse at Home
1. Send a Care Package
When planning the package, consider your spouse’s needs, goals, and favorite indulgences.
2. Pen an Old-Fashioned Love Letter.
Write it solely for the purpose of conveying your love. That means leaving out details of today’s board meeting, what you ate for lunch and your lengthy to-do list.
3. Bake a Cake — For Later.
Does your spouse have a favorite treat, such as a cake, that’s impossible to send in a care package? Bake it and take a picture of it. Send the picture along with a note letting him know that the cake will be waiting in the freezer when he gets home.
4. Speak Well of Your Spouse to Mutual Contacts.
Ask your friend to pass along a compliment, or relay the fact that you miss him. It’s always encouraging to hear that your spouse speaks positively of you to others.
Ideas for the Spouse Away
1. Have a Pizza or Takeout Delivered to Your Spouse.
Some grocery stores’ Web sites also allow you to have items delivered to a residence for a small fee. Save her a weekend trip to the store by ordering essential items and having them delivered to her.
2. Call Your Spouse When You Know She’ll Be Unavailable and Leave a Sweet Voicemail.
She’ll be able to play it over and over when she misses you.
3. Clean.
Before you leave, pay a neighborhood kid or member of your church’s youth group to do a bit of cleaning or babysitting for her on weekends. This will provide your spouse with some much-needed relaxation.
4. Write.
A note of appreciation, no matter how short, will do wonders to lift your spouse’s spirits.
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