Estimated reading time: 14 minutes
My husband was intruding on my time with God, and I didn’t like it.
For ten years, I had risen early each morning to read the Bible and pray. Since my husband, Don, preferred to sleep in, the timing was perfect. Before Don got up, before the phone started ringing, before my busy day started, I could focus exclusively on God.
I memorized Scripture verses. I prayed for friends who would be waking up to a day filled with grief or sickness. I seldom began a day without asking God to take away my will and replace it with His.
I savored my quiet, uninterrupted time with God until one morning, I looked up and saw Don walking into the room. With his eyes barely opened, he announced that he wanted to join my early morning practice.
I tried to hide my shock and disappointment. This has to be a whim, I thought. It won’t last.
Devotions and Praying Together—Giving It a Go
The next morning, we took a trial run. I told Don what I usually did during this time. He gave me a thumbs-up, stretched out on the couch, and promptly fell asleep before I had even finished reading the Scriptures.
I hoped Don would tell me that this wasn’t going to work. At the same time, I felt guilty about my unwilling attitude. I knew there were other wives who would love to share a time like this with their husbands.
After the first few mornings, Don avoided the couch. But even while he was sitting in a chair, he sometimes fell asleep when it was my turn to pray. Since Don had so much trouble staying awake, we decided to eat breakfast first. After the meal, Don was alert and ready to participate.
A Change of Heart
What I thought would last only a few days has now continued for more than 30 years. Don and I begin our time together by reading the Bible. Sometimes, we use devotional books, but most of the time, we simply read and discuss Scripture. We tell each other about our plans for the day. We discuss the needs of our friends, church, and nation, noting the requests in a prayer notebook. When prayers are answered, we write TYL (Thank You, Lord) by the recorded names.
We spend a lot of time praying for God’s protection for our daughters and their families. We often use a prayer based on Colossians 1:9-10: “Lord, we ask You to help our children and their families to understand what You want them to do. We ask You to make them wise about spiritual things. We ask that the way they live will always please and honor You so they will be doing good, kind things for others while they are learning to know You better and better. We also pray that they will be filled with Your mighty, glorious strength so they will keep on going no matter what happens—always full of the joy of the Lord.‚”
In Hindsight…
When praying together in marriage, sometimes, my husband surprises me by telling God how much he loves me. I hear his genuine concern for me—a concern that doesn’t always come out in other ways. Some mornings, as Don is praying, I am overwhelmed by the depth of his love for me. Silently, I ask God to make me worthy of such love.
Together, we have unearthed one of the most overlooked secrets for a strong marriage—going into God’s presence together to pray and read His Word.
In hindsight, I now see that it was God, not Don, who intruded into my quiet mornings so many years ago. Our all-wise Father knew these times together would not only draw us closer to Him but would also help us grow more in love with each other. TYL.
4 Ways Praying Together in Marriage is Life-Changing
We often underestimate prayer and the difference it makes. Every time you and your spouse pray separately for one another, great things happen in your relationship. Prayer is truly powerful. But when you pray together in marriage, that power increases tremendously, and so do the results. Going to God in prayer for your marriage—as a couple—benefits your marriage in several ways:
1. Praying for Your Marriage Promotes Unity
On the day you and your spouse were married, you became one in the eyes of God. From that moment on, however, there is still a process of becoming one in your everyday lives. The living out of this unity doesn’t just happen; it takes time and effort.
The most difficult thing about marriage is that there are two people in it. If you were just trying to work through things by yourself, you could certainly do a good job of it. But in marriage, you have to mesh your dreams, desires, attitudes, assumptions, needs, and habits with those of your spouse. The effort to do so can cause strife. When you pray with your spouse, you are drawn into unity with God and, as a result, with one another.
2. Praying for Your Marriage Promotes Emotional Intimacy
Just as physical intimacy reaffirms your oneness, so does praying together. When you pray as a couple, you are not only communicating with God but also with each other. You can learn so much about one another by sharing prayer requests and listening to each other pray.
3. Praying for Your Marriage Invites God Into Your Relationship
For a marriage to last and be happy and fulfilling, three parties need to be involved: the husband, the wife, and the Lord.
All marriages have problems because they are made up of two imperfect people. But if you add the presence of a perfect God, then you have unlimited possibilities for drawing closer to what God intended for marriage. Whether that happens is determined by how frequently and how fervently God is invited into your relationship. The more you pray together, the more you will see God do great things.
I know that praying together works because I have seen its power demonstrated in my own marriage. Over the years my husband and I have struggled with many different issues, and at times I have felt that all hope was lost. Yet, in those moments of despair, God intervened; He changed our hearts and taught us how to make our marriage whole.
4. Praying for Your Marriage Changes Relationships
Through the ups and downs of 34 years of marriage, my husband and I have changed a lot for the better. We’re not perfect—far from it—but we are living proof that by praying for your marriage together, your relationship can change. A husband and wife certainly can’t change each other, and they can never change as much as they would like. But God can change them both if they invite Him to do so. No matter what struggles a couple has, if they keep praying together, they can see things turn around.
If you or your spouse feels uncomfortable or embarrassed praying out loud in front of the other, don’t be discouraged. Many people have felt that way and overcome it. Ask God to help you. Ask Him to teach you and your spouse how to pray together for your marriage so you can have the relationship He wants you to have.
Ways to Pray Together in Marriage
The following excerpt comes from the book When Couples Pray Together by David and Jan Stoop. In it, they address what they do as a couple when they pray together.
1. Pray for Each Other
A basic premise to keep in mind is the importance of praying for each other. Although the Bible doesn’t say directly, “Husbands and wives, pray for each other,” it does say in James 5:16 that we are to “pray for each other so that you may be healed.” That certainly includes husbands praying for wives and wives praying for husbands. One couple said, “Every time we pray together, we begin by praying a blessing over each other. We do this to edify our spouse and make them feel loved.”
One of the things we do is find different prayers in the Bible and then agree to pray them for each other. For example, one of our favorites is a prayer Paul prayed for the Philippians. He wrote:
“This is my prayer; that your love may abound more and more in knowledge and depth of insight so that you may be able to discern what is best and may be pure and blameless until the day of Christ” (Philippians 1:9-10).
We’ve found this prayer to be a beautiful expression of what we want to experience in our marriage. We often use it as our theme verse for the couples’ retreats we lead. Here’s the way Dave would pray this for Jan:
“Father, I pray this for Jan, that her love will abound more and more in both knowledge and depth of insight, so that she will be able to discern what is the best, and will be pure and blameless until the day Christ returns.”
You might want to read through Paul’s letters and other books of the Bible, looking for prayers that you can pray for each other. This can be a very meaningful way to pray for your spouse. If you don’t use these prayers when you actually pray with your spouse, then show your spouse the passage and explain that you are saying that prayer for him or her.
2. Pray Silently Together
All too often, couples believe that they are praying together only if they are praying out loud. Remember that the key is to intentionally pray together. When we discuss this with couples’ groups, we suggest that they begin by praying silently.
Here are the guidelines: First, sit down together and hold hands. A number of couples have commented on how important it was to be touching each other as they prayed together. Next, talk together about some of your mutual concerns as a couple. Then, as you finish the conversation, one of you should say to the other, “Let’s pray about these things.” Finally, spend some time in silent prayer together. Whoever finishes first should squeeze his or her partner’s hand as a way of saying, “I’ve finished.” When the other person finishes, he or she squeezes back.
Congratulations! You’ve just prayed together. After doing this for a while, you might say “Amen” out loud as you finish, squeeze your partner’s hand, and then wait for him or her to say “Amen.”
3. Finish Silent Prayer Aloud
The second way you can pray together is an extension of the one we just described. It takes us a step further in becoming more open and comfortable praying together. Instead of simply ending your silent prayer with a verbal “Amen,” agree that after a squeeze of the hand, the other person will finish their silent prayer out loud.
This does not have to be profound. Simply say something that expresses thanksgiving and praise for the knowledge that God is present with you and that he not only hears your prayers but also knows and hears the deeper needs of your hearts. Or thank God for being present with you in both your time of conversation and your time of prayer.
4. Write Out Your Prayer
First, write out a short, simple prayer that is meaningful to you. Do this apart from your partner. Then, come together and read your prayer to your partner. After you both have finished, you may want to discuss your positive responses to each other’s prayers and how it felt for you to hear one another talk to God. Or read together some of the prayers we have included at the end of each chapter.
5. Pray as You Talk
This approach to praying together simply means we back up our conversation and consciously include God in the process. As a couple, you can simply stop in the middle of your conversation and suggest, “Let’s pray a moment about this.”
If you’re at the silent stage of praying together, pray silently about what you’ve just been talking about. If you are verbalizing your prayers, you can simply acknowledge that God is a part of your conversation.
For example, when we are talking about a concern we have, one of us might simply say, “Lord, you are here listening as we talk, and we want to acknowledge your presence and ask for your help with this situation.” Even this can be simplified, or the other person may add a sentence or two in prayer. We seldom say “Amen” when we do this — we just go back to our conversation. Over time, God’s place within your conversation will become more natural, and you will become more aware of his presence.
6. Pray Out Loud Together Daily
This is the same as our earlier suggestions, except that you are now comfortable enough with verbalizing your prayer in the presence of your spouse. In our questionnaire, we asked couples to tell us how they moved from praying silently together to praying out loud (meaning, was it difficult?). We wanted to know if couples talked about it beforehand or if it just happened.
We were surprised when a number of them, such as the couple we mentioned earlier, replied, “We opened our mouth and said…” We laughed, but it really does boil down to that approach—opening our mouths and saying out loud what we are praying inside.
Over the years, as we’ve become more comfortable with verbalizing our prayers together, we have expanded our evening prayer time to other times of the day. When we are together, one of us may feel the need to pray, so we stop and pray. It is more just a part of our conversation, even though we are still purposely stopping to pray together.
7. Practice “Vulnerable” Prayer
This type of praying together is what we think most husbands (and some wives) fear, and it is what we have in mind when we talk about praying together. It is difficult, and we certainly don’t suggest starting this way. In vulnerable prayer, we pray about ourselves in the presence of our spouse. Along with praying, “Lord, help us,” or “Lord, help them,” we pray, “Lord, help me.”
When we pray this way, we are comfortable enough with each other that we can candidly and honestly discuss our weaknesses, failures, and struggles and talk openly with God in the presence of our spouse. This type of prayer is listed last, not because it is the best but because it is the most difficult.
Some couples may never pray this way, while others become very comfortable praying this way and feel that this type of praying together really enhances their spiritual intimacy. Remember, however, that the goal is not to pray vulnerably together; it is simply to pray together consistently.
Beginning to Pray Together in Marriage
Here are eight suggestions for beginning to pray together that were given to us by other couples. They came from their own experiences and struggles as they began to pray together.
1. Take the Time You Need
Take the time needed to talk with each other about your thoughts and feelings about prayer and praying together. Do this without pressuring one another or trying to make the other feel guilty. See if you can agree that this is something you both want in your marriage. Talk about your fears in as open a way as possible. Talk also about your expectations upfront so they don’t undermine you later on.
2. Put It On Your Calendar
Pick a specific time and make a commitment to each other to begin praying together at that time. You’ll never get started praying together on a regular basis if you don’t make this definite commitment to a specific, agreed-upon time. Making time to pray is easier when you’ve scheduled it on your calendar.
3. If You Miss a Day, Don’t Stress
When you start praying together in your marriage, don’t be upset if you miss a day. If you miss a day, just start again the next day. Consistency will come over time. Let yourself off the hook here.
4. Assign Roles
Decide who will do what. For example, who decides where you will pray together? Who reminds the other that it is time to pray together? Couples reported that they couldn’t just make a commitment to a time and then assume both of them would remember. It helped for one person to take on the responsibility to say, “Hey, it’s time for us to pray together.” It was interesting to note that for the couples who were successful, it was more often the husband who reminded them.
5. Start in Your Comfort Zone
Start where you are both comfortable. This means that if only one of you is comfortable praying out loud, then you don’t start there, for both aren’t comfortable at that place. If one of you insists that you pray together silently, then both can be comfortable at that place, and that’s where you begin.
6. Set a Time Limit
It was surprising how many couples made this point. “No long-winded prayers,” they said. One wife wrote, “No long monologues with fourteen items in them!” Another couple suggested, “First start small and grow from there. Anyone can pattern five or ten minutes into their lives, as opposed to one hour.” Another couple said, “Start with five minutes and then gradually, over time, see what happens. Don’t try to take too much time as you begin.”
7. No Preaching
Agree at the beginning that neither one of you will preach in your prayers. Nothing can stop the process like using the time to pray together to preach to your spouse or to make suggestions in your prayer. Sometimes, just making this a rule will give a reluctant spouse the freedom to get started, for a common fear is that one’s spouse will use this time to preach rather than to pray.
8. Double Your Prayer
One husband suggested: “Start with a list of things you want to pray about. This could be done individually or together. Then pray individually about your time of praying together before you actually come together for prayer.”
