Estimated reading time: 7 minutes
Jeff and Karen married 25 years ago and were now both in their mid-50s. Their kids were grown and out of the house when Karen learned she had stage 3 breast cancer and underwent chemotherapy. However, as she started treatment, she and Jeff didn’t communicate much about her needs regarding the cancer diagnosis.
Jeff wanted to show how much he loved and cared for Karen during breast cancer treatment. So when she started chemotherapy, he told her not to worry about doing anything around the house and that he would do the cooking, cleaning, and shopping. He wanted to do everything he could for her and do so with the right attitude, always being upbeat and positive.
When Jeff had been doing these things for about three weeks, he noticed that Karen, while being appreciative, didn’t seem to be impressed by all that he was doing. She seemed more and more introspective and withdrawn during those three weeks. He wasn’t sure what was going on with her, thinking maybe it was just the chemotherapy treatments getting her down, both physically and emotionally. Though she seemed not to be having any real side effects associated with her treatment, Jeff was left wondering what he’d done wrong.
Ask questions of the person who has received the cancer diagnosis
Jeff hadn’t asked Karen how she felt about his decision to take over her “duties” or if there was anything else she might want or need. He thought that what he was doing was the best thing he could do for her. So, he asked her if she would tell him what was on her mind—and about the distance he was feeling in their relationship.
What Karen said blew Jeff away. She told him that aside from being tired, she was doing OK physically. But there were actually a few things she had wanted to tell him. She didn’t want to seem ungrateful, but she wished he would have just asked her what she needed—or might have wanted—in the beginning instead of just telling her what he was going to do for her. She felt well enough to do most, if not all, of the things that he was now doing “for her.”
An identity crisis
Karen told him that her sense of identity in their marriage was wrapped up in taking care of the home and the family and that she enjoyed being able to do those things. After all, that was what she had been doing for the last 25 years, and it gave her a real sense of value and purpose. She felt like she was being stripped of that identity when Jeff started doing “her things.” Now, because she had so much empty time, her mind went back more often to her diagnosis and her fears about all the things that might happen to her.
Jeff had never thought of it in that way. Knowing how Karen felt, they agreed that she would return to her usual activities. If she needed any help, she would ask him. She also told him that because of how great his attitude had been while doing all that he had been doing, it would be easy for her to ask for any help that she needed.
After the cancer diagnosis, listen to the needs
Karen also hoped that she and Jeff could do a daily devotional or study the Bible together because of the uncertainty of her prognosis. She wanted to keep the Lord at the center of their lives and wanted Jeff to work with her toward having the same peace they had felt in the Lord before the cancer diagnosis.
Finally, when they talked about their fears, Jeff said he thought that Karen’s greatest fear would be the thought of dying. She surprised him by telling him the one thing that she feared most was becoming a burden to him and the rest of the family. As she watched him do all the daily responsibilities around the house that used to be hers, that fear became even more real.
As a result of their conversation, Karen was able to express her thoughts, wants, and needs, which allowed Jeff to support her in a way that she truly desired.
Weeks later, Jeff noticed that Karen seemed to have a real peace for the first time since the breast cancer diagnosis. They also seemed closer emotionally—and more connected than they had been in 20 years.
Dealing with a major illness or other crisis puts significant stress on even the healthiest marriages. The tension can cause couples to drift apart; some even separate or divorce. In most of those cases, the couple hadn’t been able to adequately communicate their feelings or needs or were miscommunicating those thoughts and emotions. Use the communication guide below to help start a conversation with your spouse.
Communication guide for discussing a cancer diagnosis
Whether you’re the patient, spouse, family, or friend of someone with cancer, these questions can help open channels of communication and guide your discussions.
Specifically, these conversation starters can help married couples connect with each other when a husband or wife has just received a cancer diagnosis. As you find your way through the shock and into a treatment plan, consider using these questions to help articulate your feelings and healthcare needs.
First questions for patients
1. What was your first reaction when you heard your diagnosis?
2. How did you feel about your diagnosis after having time to think about it?
3. What did you feel you could share about your news?
- with your spouse
- with your children
- with your parents
- .with your extended family
- with your loved ones and friends
4. What did you feel you could not share about your news?
- with your spouse
- with your children
- with your parents
- with your extended family
- with your loved ones and friends
5. How did you think each of these people (or groups of people) would feel about or react to your news?
- your spouse
- your children
- your parents
- your extended family
- your loved ones and friends
6. What kind of support would you like or do you need from each of these people (or groups of people)?
- your spouse
- your children
- your parents
- your extended family
- your loved ones and friends
7. How has the new caregiver role affected the relationship you have with that person (or groups of people)?
8. What was or is your greatest fear?
Spiritual assessment questions for patient, spouse, and close family
1. What is your faith or belief tradition?
2. Do you consider yourself committed to your faith or belief tradition?
3. In what ways does your faith help give meaning to your life?
4. Is your faith tradition important in your life?
5. What influence does faith have on how you care for yourself?
6. How have your beliefs influenced you or your behavior since your diagnosis?
7. How do your beliefs play a role in regaining your health?
8. Are you a part of a faith-based community? If so, is your community a support to you? How?
9. Is there a person or group of people in your faith community who is really important to you?
10. How would you like your healthcare team to address or incorporate these issues into your care?
First questions for spouses, families, loved ones or friends
1. What was your first reaction after hearing the diagnosis?
2. How did you feel after you had time to think about it?
3. What did you think you could share with the patient that might give comfort?
4. What did you think you couldn’t share with the patient?
5. What do you think the patient felt regarding his or her diagnosis?
6. How do you think he or she would want to be treated by you?
7. What kind of support would you like — or do you need — during this time?
8. How has the role of the caregiver (if applicable) affected or changed your normal, everyday relationship with the patient?
9. What was or is your greatest fear?
If you’re experiencing a family crisis, Focus on the Family has resources and counseling to assist. You can contact us Monday through Friday from 6 a.m. to 8 p.m. (Mountain time) at: 855-771-HELP (4357) or help@FocusOnTheFamily.com
