I just made a whopping marital mistake. More than a week ago I told Sande, my lovely bride of more than 40 years, that a TV crew was coming to our home in a week to tape an interview with me. I ought to have known better. As soon as I told Sande someone was coming to our house, she went into overdrive, thinking, What am I going to serve them? Mmm … maybe pulled pork sandwiches and a fruit salad … yeah, that might work.… Then she caught sight of a minuscule dirt smudge on the windows. Oh, no, they’re a mess!
But why do I say it’s a “marital mistake”? Because this week she told me several times: “Sweep the front deck and back porch. Wash the windows, and get rid of those spider webs. And don’t forget — pick up the dog flops in the yard.” At least she didn’t ask for new carpet.
So why did I tell her so far in advance? Because I’ve learned the hard way that my wife doesn’t like surprises. Telling her about an event at our home “the morning of” could result in critical wounds to my body. To Sande, a kitchen is only truly clean when all surface areas are wiped off and the toaster is put away. My thinking: Why put away a toaster when you’re going to use it within the next 24 hours?
So why do Sande and I see things so differently? Part of the reason is our birth order — our place in our family of origin. I’m the youngest child in my family, and Sande is the oldest in hers. Because of our birth order, we had different experiences growing up, and those experiences have shaped our behavior, our personalities and even our relationship with each other. Understanding this has everything to do with our marriage thriving for more than four decades. With just a little knowledge about birth order, you, too, can build the kind of marriage that makes others say, “Wow, I want one of those!”
Why you are the way you are
Nothing in life is cookie-cutter, and birth order isn’t, either. But understanding the basics provides clues about why you think, feel and respond the way you do. You learned to be the person you are based on the way your parents and siblings interacted with you. The little girl or boy you once were, you still are. Here are a few insights about firstborns, middleborns and lastborns:Firstborns rule.
If you are a firstborn, you were the family guinea pig for parenting techniques. You were the first child to eat dead ladybugs, walk, plunge into puberty and drive. With the spotlight of parental expectations on you, is it any wonder you’re a perfectionist? Firstborns are well-organized list makers and leaders with lots of practice. (They were held responsible for their siblings.) They take life seriously, feeling the pressure to be better and do better. They crave details and are often critical of themselves and others. Take firstborn qualities and supercharge them, and you’ve got the only child.Middleborns mediate.
If you are a middleborn, you took one look at the star above you and decided, No way can I compete with that. So you went in the opposite direction. Stuck in the middle, you learned how to negotiate peace between warring siblings. Since you were least likely to be noticed missing, is it any surprise you focused on friends and are very loyal? Middleborns are great diplomats. They avoid conflict. They’re independent and secretive. They don’t often share feelings and are surprised when others pay attention to them.Lastborns charm.
If you are a lastborn, you grew up as the apple of your parents’ eye. You manipulated siblings into doing your work, but they also used you to get what they wanted from your parents. Who could say no to you? You are the entertainer. Your life catchphrase is, “Don’t worry. Be happy.” Lastborns are people-oriented and can sell anything. They’re affectionate, engaging and act impulsively. They love to be the center of attention, and “Surprise” is their middle name.
