As a psychotherapist and expert witness, I testified in court over a thousand times on healthy and unhealthy attachment issues. A major part of my job has been assessing the positives and negatives in relationships. Extensive training allowed me to dive deep into what makes a relationship work and what creates distance.
In marriage, the ability to meet a loved one’s tender needs and have ours met as well is what bonds and attaches us to one another. We offer a safe and nurturing environment when we demonstrate that our heart is listening to the heart of our spouse no matter what they want to talk to you about, whether that be physical, emotional, spiritual, day to day stress, or past heartaches. “Know this, my beloved brothers: let every person be quick to hear, slow to speak, slow to anger,” James 1:19 ESV
When your loved one starts to talk
At the core of healthy relationships is the ability help your spouse feel safe to talk to you about the deeper issues of their heart. Here are proven techniques that enable a couple to bond and attach in good ways. If you have not been using these techniques, rest assured that practice quickly brings wonderful changes in relationships.
Your single purpose is to hear their heart
Put aside distractions like a phone, petting the dog, glancing out the window or at a television. These behaviors give your spouse the impression you are not totally invested. The subliminal message is that they are not as valuable to you as whatever is distracting you.
Practice silence
When a loved one approaches a delicate or touchy subject, they may be slow finding the words. Listeners often want to speed up awkward conversations or jump in and fix the problem. Your spouse will talk to you to be heard, not fixed. When we speak too soon, we give the impression, “That’s enough. Let me handle this so we can get on with life.”
Breathe and count to ten
When your speaker pauses or stops talking to take a breath, silently count to ten before responding. Allow the other person and yourself time to think, feel, and process. By not jumping in, you affirm that what they said is valuable. You are willing to give them all the time they need to talk to you.
The right moment
When emotions accompany the speaker’s words, be present with them and allow time for the speaker to continue after the tears. When a speaker cries, often he or she has told you part of a story that hurts. If you shut them down, they may not be able to complete their healing because they started with the easiest thing and intended to work up courage to talk to you about the worst. Avoid shortening the uncomfortable moment with platitudes such as, “It’s going to be okay,” or “There, there.” Even a small pat or words like these imply, “Okay, okay, that’s enough. Come out of it now.”
Protect from blame
Statements like, “You shouldn’t let people treat you like that,” and questions such as, “Why were you there?” imply your speaker is responsible for the hurtful situation they are talking to you about. Your speaker is already burdened, and when we add blame, we indicate their tender need is not safe with us.
Shield from shame
Shame is thinking we are a mistake, not that we made a mistake. Build up your loved one by seeing the positive in their character trait. The shaming statement, “You jump to help before knowing if it’s a bad idea,” becomes a building up statement when phrased as, “I can see how your giving heart urged you to jump in and help.”
Bolster self-esteem
After you have listened to your spouse talk to you, allow a period of calm and silence. Then, instead of suggesting solutions ask, “What do you think you need to do?” Let them reach deep and explore their personal wisdom. If the response is, “I have no clue. What would you do?” encourage them to honor their own intuition. Recall examples of their wisdom with something like, “I saw how you solved that issue with your boss last year. It was tough, but you did it. What do you think you need to do now?”
Trickle, not firehose
You may feel filled with right solutions but don’t jump in with a firehose of ideas. Offer a slow trickle without pressure. Make sure your tone does not imply that yours is the best idea. Try saying, “I’m not sure, but have you thought of….” If inwardly you want to come out charging, that can reflect your own want to control, to manage them or their problem.
Honor free will
Perhaps the two of you produce several ideas and your speaker says, “Which one should I try?” Here is another great chance to encourage with, “I believe you will make the right decision.” Swallow your urge to direct. Remember, your growth might come from working on your own control or fear. Allow them to feel a surge of self-reliance, even if they are pleading with you to make the decision.
Signal with your body language
Eighty percent of communication is body language. Keep your knees, feet, and heart pointed toward your loved one. Sit back in your seat to signal you are listening while your spouse talks to you. Nod silently. These send the message that our heart wants to hear theirs.
Join with their feelings later
Good listening when your spouse talks to you shows we care. In my work with victims of violent crimes and other heartaches, without exception, victims told me they could not talk to family or friends because they didn’t want to upset them. Much later when their emotions have stabilized, you can offer how much you care about them and how sad you are that they went through so much. This present conversation is about them, not you. Caution against saying things like “That broke my heart,” because next time they have a tender need and want to talk to you, they will “pretty up” the situation so your heart is not disturbed.
Stay on course
The other person is the speaker; you are the listener. Many listeners hear a bit of the story and hijack the conversation with, “That happened to me.” That’s like slamming a door on the speaker while they talk to you. Instead of your speaker having the floor, the conversation is now about the listener. “If one gives an answer before he hears, it is his folly and shame,” Proverbs 18:13 ESV.
No contest
Sometimes listeners respond with their own issues. “Me too! Only it happened five times worse to me.” Even if your story is true, emotional competition invalidates the speaker and minimizes their pain. The speaker feels shame for sharing since their situation was not as bad. If you can relate, save that for another conversation on a different day.
“You” not “I”
Statements like, “I would have been so frightened” or “You must have felt so angry,” is not valuable feedback. Consider instead, “I can see how you could have been so frightened” or “Were you so angry?” This conversation is about the other person. When we consider their experience, we communicate our concern is fully on him or her. We can’t say how another person feels, but we can convey empathy.
Exceed expectations
When you think your speaker is done talking to you, probe one more time. Ask, “Is there anything else you want to say?” Follow up with, “If something else comes up that you want to share, let me know.”
Relationships are like a dance. Communication takes effort at first, and we often step on one another’s toes. But with practice, each of us can be a safe place for our loved one’s tender needs. When our hearts hear each other, we feel grateful to God for allowing us to have a relationship that offers healing, trust, and love.
