Ron Welch, author of The Controlling Husband, didn’t realize he was a controlling spouse. But then he heard one of his sons say something demanding to his wife, Jan. Soon after that, Ron listened as another son ordered Jan to take him to sports practice.
“I started to lecture them both,” he said. He told them, “Don’t talk to your mother that way! You better start showing her some respect.”
In a Focus on the Family podcast, Ron shares how God opened his eyes to his controlling behavior. “I remember God slapping me across the head and saying, ‘And who do you think is teaching them to disrespect women? I’ve taught you a different way to value your wife. Why are you doing this?’ There was this inconsistency between my faith and what I was.”
Kimberly Wagner also admits to having previously been a controlling spouse. She didn’t realize what she was doing at the time, either.
“I thought I was helping LeRoy, not trying to control him,” she writes. “I really believed I was doing a good deed when I pressured him to do things my way, when I insisted on a different approach to parenting and when I told him how to drive. …
“When I relished sitting in the seat of control, I was unaware that forcing my plans on LeRoy and continually challenging his decisions was actually devaluing him. Then one day I watched as my criticism of a decision he had made crushed him, and it hit me: Getting my way in this moment is not worth killing his spirit as a man.”
Addressing the issue
If you suspect that control may be an issue in a couple’s marriage, prayerfully consider how you can address the topic as you talk with each spouse individually. You might ask them which characteristics show up more often in their marriage. Do they see characteristics of a controlling spouse? Or characteristics of a caring and loving spouse as defined by the Bible?
Characteristics of a controlling spouse
- Constant criticism. (“You always load the dishwasher wrong.” “That outfit makes you look fat.” “You need to mow the lawn the right way.”)
- Not taking no for an answer — arguing and persuading until the other spouse gives in.
- Dictating their spouse’s schedule or what they wear, eat, etc.
- Controlling the finances and not providing access to money.
- Monitoring their spouse’s social media or devices.
- Not wanting their spouse to spend time alone with family and friends.
- Frequent jealous accusations.
- Constant scorekeeping. (“You didn’t do the dishes last night, so why do you expect me to help you with your flat tire?”)
- Lots of conditional “love.” (“I don’t want to have sex with you until you lose 20 pounds.”)
- Making their spouse feel as if they’re always wrong.
- Regular manipulation, such as playing the martyr and using the silent treatment to get their way.
Characteristics of a caring spouse
- Sacrificial behavior. “I’ll make supper and do the dishes tonight because I know you’re super tired.” Ephesians 5:25, Mark 10:45
- Unconditional love. “You got laid off from your job, but it’s OK. I still love you. We’ll get through this together.” Romans 5:8
- Patience. Example: A husband fills the gas tank of his wife’s car without complaining even though she’s forgotten to take care of it many times. Ephesians 4:1-2
- Kindness. “It looks like you could use a break from the kids. Why don’t you plan some time with your friends and let me handle the kids this weekend?” 1 Corinthians 13:4-5
- Keeping no records of wrong. 1 Corinthians 13:4-5
- Honoring. “I appreciate the time you put into planning our vacations. I know it’s a lot of work, but you do an amazing job!” 1 Peter 3:7
- Forgiving. “It’s OK if you forgot to stop at the grocery store. I’m not perfect either. And I know you’ve been stressed out at work lately.” Ephesians 4:32
- Being humble. “You’re right. Your way of handling this situation is better.” Ephesians 4:1-2
- Not being envious. Example: A husband celebrates his wife’s success. 1 Corinthians 13:4-5
- Not being self-seeking. Example: A wife would rather stay home but attends an event with her husband because it’s important to him. Philippians 2:3-4
Are you being controlled?
Sometimes, a spouse realizes something is wrong in the relationship but doesn’t recognize the problem as unhealthy control. In a WebMD article titled, “Warning Signs That Your Partner Is Controlling,” Lilianna Hogan suggests that such spouses ask themselves the following questions:
- Does your partner make you feel scared?
- Do you feel mistrusted constantly?
- Do you feel powerless over your relationship?
- Are there specific topics you dread bringing up or entirely avoid?
- Do you feel like you can’t do anything right?
- Do you feel like there’s something fundamentally wrong with you?
Jan says she was accustomed to her father’s controlling behavior and made the mistake of being passive with Ron and not setting boundaries. At one point in their marriage, she says couldn’t even leave their apartment without Ron. If she did, she faced his constant inquisition.
Are you acting controlling?
To help a spouse know if they’re acting controlling toward their spouse, Kimberly suggests asking the following questions:
- If things don’t go as I’d planned, do I get stressed and respond in hurtful ways?
- Do I function as though I believe my way of functioning is superior to that of my spouse?
- Do I find it extremely difficult to defer to my spouse?
- Who calls the shots most of the time?
- Do my spouse and I equally contribute when big decisions need to be made?
- Does my spouse feel safe providing an alternate idea or plan?
- Do I receive input from my spouse and demonstrate appreciation for that input?
Insecurity, selfishness and the fear of losing Jan were the causes of Ron’s controlling behavior, he says.
What the Bible says
If you discuss control issues with a husband and wife, you can also remind them that none of us is “in control” of life, even though as humans, we often want to be. The Bible reminds us that God is in control of the universe, and we are not. God asks His children to surrender to His will because He loves and values each one of us. We can hand over our fear, insecurity and desire to be in control to our mighty God, who wants to give us His wisdom (James 1:5) and cares about every detail of our lives (Matthew 10:29-31).
Matthew 16:24: “Then Jesus told his disciples, ‘If anyone would come after me, let him deny himself and take up his cross and follow me.’ ”
1 Chronicles 29:11-12: “Yours is the kingdom, O Lord, and you are exalted as head above all. Both riches and honor come from you, and you rule over all.”
Psalm 34:4-5: “I sought the Lord, and he answered me and delivered me from all my fears. Those who look to him are radiant, and their faces shall never be ashamed.”
Matthew 10:29-31: “Are not two sparrows sold for a penny? And not one of them will fall to the ground apart from your Father. But even the hairs of your head are all numbered. Fear not, therefore; you are of more value than many sparrows.”
When to suggest counseling
If you’re concerned that control is an issue in any way, encourage the couple to seek help. If you’re worried about a spouse’s safety, suggest that they call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 800-799-7233 or visit thehotline.org. To find counseling, suggest that the spouse call Focus on the Family’s Counseling Department for a one-time free consultation at 855-771-HELP (4357) weekdays from 6 a.m. to 8 p.m. (Mountain Time).
To learn more
Podcast
The Dangers of a Controlling Spouse
Broadcasts
“The Best Choices You Can Make for Your Marriage”
“Harnessing Your Strength to Transform Your Marriage”
