Estimated reading time: 7 minutes
Life has a way of chipping away at our marriages: jobs and job related travel, in-laws, church activities, activities with the kids, conflict and misunderstandings. Most of us run at the speed of light, wake up one day and realize, “Huh. I don’t feel very close to my spouse anymore.” The truth is that it happens to the best of us. Here are a few simple tips author Mitch Temple has learned throughout the years to keep romance alive for a successful marriage.
Table of contents
Start Dating Again
Go out at least once a week. It doesn’t have to be an expensive date — just something simple. A brown bag dinner in the park, a walk around the lake, a cup of cappuccino at a coffee shop or simply putting the kids to bed early and just talking will often do the trick. Or, revisit the things that you did when you were dating, like going to a movie, the theatre or a nice relaxing dinner for two.
After being “pulled apart” by all the pressures of modern life, it is imperative to reconnect each week. If you don’t, you won’t feel close.
Make Yourself Attractive
Here’s the irony: If you make yourself more attractive, your spouse will often become more attractive to you. Quite often, changes that you make in your appearance can precipitate changes in your spouse just as positive actions often breed positive reactions.
Other suggestions:
- Go to the gym together.
- Walk with your spouse three to five times a week.
- Buy new clothes, and throw out those ugly sleep shirts/pajamas.
- Change habits.
- Shave the beard (men only), or change your hairstyle.
- Get new eye glasses, or try contacts.
Make a List
Determine what it is that makes you feel attracted to someone. What attracted you to your partner in the first place? What are the things that you find attractive that you would like to see in your spouse What gets your attention?
Communicate Your Desires to Your Spouse
Do so in non-threatening, non-judgmental ways. For example, you could say, “Honey, let’s make some changes. We are both in a rut. We’ve changed over the years and lost some of the spark in our marriage. Let’s change how we treat each other. Let’s call each other during the day at work. Let’s change how we look. Let’s walk together each evening.” Avoid using “you” statements. Use “I feel” or “I need” instead.
Try writing a letter as an alternative to face to face communication, especially if you feel he or she will react negatively.
Do Your Research
Attraction doesn’t just occur in a marriage. It is something that must be worked at. Often the process of bringing attraction back begins with education and basic communication. Read books and research articles on the Web that discuss reviving romance and attraction.
Do Good Things — Daily
Doing goods things doesn’t necessarily require spending a lot of money. Simple things, like picking up your dirty underwear, giving a free back rub, preparing dinner, writing an appreciative note, hand picking flowers or taking on a chore that your partner normally does, build intimacy and closeness in your marriage like nothing else.
Attraction often follows on the heels of serving each other like you did in the early years of your relationship. Often it’s the little things that count – not the big ones.
Ten Secrets to Keep Romance Alive for a Successful Marriage
Spouses in a successful marriage are savvy. They read books, attend seminars, browse Web articles and observe other successful marriages. However, successful couples will tell you that they also learn by experience — trial and error.
Here are 10 principles of success I have learned from working with and observing hundreds of couples:
- Happiness is not the most important thing. Everyone wants to be happy, but happiness will come and go. Successful couples learn to intentionally do things that will bring happiness back when life pulls it away.
- A couple in a successful marriage discovers the value in just showing up. When things get tough and couples don’t know what to do, they need to hang in there and be there for their spouse. Time has a way of helping couples work things out by providing opportunities to reduce stress and overcome challenges.
- If you do what you always do, you will get same result. Wise couples have learned that you have to approach problems differently to get different results. Often, minor changes in approach, attitude and actions make the biggest difference in marriage.
- Your attitude does matter. Changing behavior is important, but so is changing attitudes. Bad attitudes often drive bad feelings and actions.
- Change your mind, change your marriage. How couples think and what they believe about their spouse affects how they perceive the other. What they expect and how they treat their spouse matters greatly.
- The grass is greenest where you water it. Spouses in a successful marriage have learned to resist the grass is greener myth — i.e., someone else will make me happy. They have learned to put their energy into making themselves and their marriage better.
- You can change your marriage by changing yourself. Veteran couples have learned that trying to change their spouse is like trying to push a rope — almost impossible. Often, the only person we can change in our marriage is ourselves.
- Love is a verb, not just a feeling. Everyday life wears away the “feel good side of marriage.” Feelings, like happiness, will fluctuate. But, real love is based on a couple’s vows of commitment: “For better or for worse” — when it feels good and when it doesn’t.
- Marriage is often about fighting the battle between your ears. Spouses in a successful marriage have learned to resist holding grudges and bringing up the past. They remember that they married an imperfect person — and so did their spouse.
- A crisis doesn’t mean the marriage is over. Crises are like storms: loud, scary and dangerous. But to get through a storm you have to keep driving. A crisis can be a new beginning. It’s out of pain that great people and marriages are produced.
How Do We Keep Romance Alive for a Successful Marriage?
Dr. Bill Maier addresses the issue of romance in marriage:
Dear Dr. Bill: My husband and I have been married for 10 years, and I’m concerned our relationship has gotten stuck in a rut. Long gone are the days of romantic dinners, love notes, and spontaneous dates. I don’t mean to sound discouraged, but we don’t even seem to have a lot of fun together anymore. Can you give me some ideas bout how to talk to my husband about this without sounding like I’m nagging him?
Dr. Bill: It sounds like you are more than a little frustrated with your marriage right now. The place to start is by asking your husband some questions. You’ll want to do this in a caring, non-threatening way, and resist the temptation to tell him what you think is wrong with the relationship. Now, I should point out that some men can feel a bit intimidated by a sit-down, face-to-face “let’s talk about our issues” kind of discussion. If your husband is like that, you might suggest that the two of you engage in some kind of joint activity he enjoys, like going fishing or taking a day hike. Then when you’re involved in the activity, ask him if he would mind if you talked about something that’s been on your mind.
What are his thoughts?
Without interrogating him, tell him you’d really like to know how he’s been feeling about life lately, and how he views your marriage relationship. Chances are that you’ll learn one of three things. He may reveal to you that he’s concerned about something that has nothing to do with your marriage.
Perhaps he’s stressed about work, worried about his health, or has been feeling depressed. In other words, his unromantic behavior has little or nothing to do with you. A second option may be that he is feeling fine and thinks your marriage is going great. In other words, he’s pretty clueless and hasn’t noticed anything wrong with the relationship. He loves you and feels warm feelings toward you, but simply doesn’t express them.
The third option is that he’ll tell you that he’s been feeling unhappy in the relationship. He may open up with a whole laundry list of things that have been bothering him, including things that bug him about you. If that happens, do your best not to get defensive and just let him vent. Once you get him talking, you should get a good idea of what’s going on in the relationship.
It’s a team effort.
From there, it’s critical that you express to him that you want to work together to get things back on track. In other words, getting your marriage back on track needs to be a “team effort,” not you telling him what he needs to do to “fix” things. A great resource to get you started is a book called When Bad Things Happen to Good Marriages by Drs. Les and Leslie Parrott. It is available at bookstores and online retailers.
