Estimated reading time: 7 minutes
How Different Perspectives Can Foster Division
A Non Sequitur cartoon by Wiley Miller pictures a couple in bed. The wife has put down the book she’s been reading and said something to her husband. Here’s what he heard: “Time for the annual review of how you make my life a living nightmare.”
All she actually said, though, is, “Sweetie, let’s talk about us.”
Why do some spouses — especially some husbands — seem to view communication as a form of torture?
Betsy is wondering about that. She’s hurt that her husband, Carl, seems to have lost interest in her. She interprets his lack of communication as evidence that he doesn’t love her. This puts her in a panic; she becomes needy and controlling, trying to force Carl to “talk about the problem.” This creates more pressure for Carl, who retreats further.
Carl is overwhelmed by Betsy’s need for conversation. It feels like a void that could never be filled. This is decreasing his desire to be intimate with her; he’s finding excuses to avoid even spending time together. He’d rather hang out with friends who are less demanding.
Reconnected
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Is Your Spouse a Different Person Now?
When the person you married seems to change into someone else — as Betsy thinks Carl has — it’s normal to feel disappointed and even hurt. She knows that part of this change is to be expected after settling into the day-to-day of married life, but she longs for that other guy—the before-marriage one who couldn’t seem to stop talking or get enough of her. She was so excited back then, and believed it would go on forever. Now she feels duped.
Maybe you do, too. Maybe you fear your uncommunicative spouse isn’t interested in you, isn’t excited about you, or doesn’t love you anymore. You might doubt that you married the right person—or feel inadequate, insecure, and desperate for attention.
When that happened to Betsy, she changed, too. Now Carl finds himself wondering what happened to the self-assured, strong woman he first fell in love with. He misses her.
Carl doesn’t realize it, but Betsy has always had an unusual need for attention and communication. That’s because she had a very stoic father whom she was never able to please. It’s good to examine whether your need to talk is reasonable or the result of a troubled upbringing.
Learning How Your Spouse Communicates Is Key in Your Relationship
Most couples need help to discuss their needs in a productive way. Having different attitudes toward talking doesn’t mean there is something wrong with either spouse, that anyone was deceived, or that the marriage is hopeless.
When Your Spouse Won’t Talk
Relating to each other is not a technique we’re born with. It’s like a muscle that needs to be developed over time—and massaged when it hurts.
If you have a spouse who doesn’t want to talk as much as you do, the following suggestions may help:
- Read about the differences between men and women, especially as they relate to communication. These differences are a mystery to almost everyone except God, but they may help explain why your spouse tends to be the silent type.
- Learn to not take things too personally.
- Don’t overanalyze your partner. You may think you know what’s behind your spouse’s unwillingness to talk, but you can’t read his or her mind.
- Talk about your feelings in a non-accusatory, non-blaming way. To do otherwise will only drive a reluctant talker further away, especially when it comes to discussing emotions.
- Ask your spouse what would make him feel less overwhelmed when it comes to communication.Would it help if you set aside a regular time for talking? If you waited until he decompressed after work?
- Ask your spouse for a specific, short commitment of time. Most reluctant talkers can handle a conversation if they know it won’t last forever. Let your mate set the limit. You may find that it increases as he or she grows more comfortable.
- Learn each other’s personality type, and how it shapes communication style. Make the process fun—a discovery of your uniqueness, not an opportunity to stereotype each other.
Don’t Get Discouraged in Learning to Communicate in Marriage
One of the hardest things for couples to learn is to lay down their lives for each other (see John 15:13) in the mundane world of daily living (see Romans 12:1). Learning to understand the needs of a spouse who talks less or more than you do requires sacrifice. It means not demanding your rights, and loving another as you love yourself. But these are things we can do because God promises to help us by His Holy Spirit if we ask.
It’s easy to get discouraged when all you hear from your spouse is silence. It may seem that things are hopeless, but you can gain new perspective through prayer, reading the Bible, or seeking counsel from a pastor or therapist.
When Your Spouse Won’t Leave You Alone
If you’re feeling nagged to talk, you’re probably feeling overwhelmed, too.
Avoidance may seem like the only solution for relief. This relief is only temporary, though, because it leaves your spouse without resolution—and often determined to try harder.
You may begin to feel like a trapped victim, at the mercy of your spouse’s “need to talk.” Worse yet, you may anticipate another session of having your shortcomings pointed out.
Avoidance doesn’t work. But here are some suggestions if you’re feeling cornered by a spouse who always seems to be asking, “Can we talk?”
- Take the initiative to spend time doing things together other than talking.
- Go to a Christian bookstore and buy a book about communication in marriage. Read from it aloud to your spouse and ask her questions about her reactions.
- Share a chore, like doing the dishes. You may find yourself communicating during the dull moments.
- When she’s not expecting it, ask her what she really needs. Say, “How can I show you I love you?” or, “What would make your day easier?”
- Put the phone away, neglect a hobby, or shut the TV off in order to spend time with your spouse.
- Keep a sense of humor. Find cartoons about how different men and women are, and how they communicate. Make more fun of your own gender than the other person’s.
These are all good things to do, but it’s also important for you to ask for the peace and quiet you may need. Otherwise, you’ll probably feel like a helpless victim of your mate’s demands.
In Learning to Communicate in Marriage, Set Aside a Time to Talk
One way to do this is to set a specific time to talk. This should thrill your spouse, since it represents a commitment to communicate. The limits need to be spelled out, though, in order to avoid false expectations. Your spouse may be thinking of a marathon conversation, while you may dread anything longer than a TV sitcom.
Try 20 or 30 minutes to start. That’s probably the most you’d want for a serious discussion. Pray at the beginning and the end if you like. Get a kitchen timer and stick to the limit. Promise not to run, but allow for a time-out if things get too intense.
What should you do during that time? Here are some ideas:
- Explore and discuss your needs for communication.
- Explore and discuss your needs for quiet or alone time.
- Explore and discuss your needs for outside friendships and recreation.
- Use “I” statements to convey feelings of being pressured, overwhelmed, or discouraged. This will help keep your spouse from feeling attacked. For example: “I feel hopeless when I hear ‘We need to talk,’ because it reminds me of my mom. She always used that phrase when I was in trouble.” This is better than, “You’re just like my mom!” The goal is for the speaker to feel heard and understood.
- If you need to take a time-out, be sure to schedule a reunion within 24 hours for further discussion. This gives both of you a sense of reassurance and safety.
From Focus on the Family’s Complete Guide to the First Five Years of Marriage, with Romie Hurley published by Tyndale.
