Estimated reading time: 8 minutes
My wife, Erin, and I have been married for more than 22 years, and we’ve had our fair share of struggles with dividing household chores. One evening as I walked into the kitchen, I entered into complete chaos. Erin was making dinner, two of our children were arguing, the TV was blaring, and someone’s homework was scattered over the counter and floor. Noticing the ticking bomb, I uttered four words that changed my life: “How can I help?”
That phrase sounds positive, right? I thought my offer would epitomize my loving-husband nature. But I quickly realized that I was creating a rift in my marriage. The evidence was in Erin’s response: “You’re an adult. See what needs to be done . . . jump in and do it!”
I thought, I can’t believe she snapped at me after I offered to lend a hand. And that’s when I realized that my offer to “help” implied that Erin was responsible for the work. That night, I asked for forgiveness. I reassured Erin that I knew we were teammates, and I was also 100 percent responsible for the care and maintenance of our home and children.
Table of contents
Take initiative in serving your spouse
As Erin and I talked, we discovered the biggest need Erin had was for me to take initiative. My need, however, was to have some downtime as a family each night. I didn’t want our home to represent only “work.” The solution was simple: By jumping in and doing whatever needed to be done, I could not only serve my wife, but also make sure the work got done quickly so that we could relax together.
How you share chores in marriage and household responsibilities is just as important as the ultimate solutions you come up with. When you share the chores with a teammate mentality and when your goal is to out-serve each other, you can bring an end to the chore wars in your home.
Married … with Household Chores
It’s Saturday morning, and you’d rather stay in bed than tackle all those household chores. First, there’s the pile of dirty jeans and smelly socks in front of the washing machine. And what about the bathroom? When was the last time the sink sparkled? What about the carpet? When did it grow hair?
Let’s be honest: Nobody likes chores. But how badly do married couples hate housecleaning? The referral site, Yelp.com, asked couples which household chores they hate most and what they’d be willing to give up if it meant they’d never have to clean house again. The answers might surprise you!
The worst household chores
Almost 80% of couples said they have disagreements about chores. The top three disagreements include: who does the chores, when to do them and how to complete them. These are the chores couples argue about most:
- Washing dishes/Cleaning the kitchen
- Laundry
- Cleaning the bathroom
- Sweeping/Vacuuming
- Grocery shopping/Meal prep
How badly do we hate doing household chores?
Not only did 67% of people surveyed say they hated doing household chores, but they also admitted to doing a poor job in hopes of getting out of future chores. But if you think that’s bad, then look at what people said they’d be willing to do if it meant avoiding housework forever:
- Add an hour to their daily commute
- Spend a week in jail
- Give up their smartphone
- Shave their head
- Completely give up sex
Chores in Your Marriage: Maybe there’s a better way?
Working together makes a difference. Sharing household chores can become a new way to connect as a couple. Whether it’s doing basic house cleaning duties like washing dishes or folding laundry, you can use the time to talk, catch up with each other or spend time in each other’s company. And, research confirms that couples who share chores report higher levels of marital and sexual satisfaction.
Sharing workloads and working side by side with your spouse tells them they are not alone. When you willingly step up and shoulder your responsibilities, you show your spouse you are committed to your marriage relationship and that your spouse matters.
Scripture … and socks?
While the Bible doesn’t give guidelines on household chores such as vacuuming the living room or folding T-shirts, it tells us we should serve each other in love (Galatians 5:13). While we often think of loving and serving as Hallmark moments or heroic exploits, the truth is that love is best expressed by showing up day after day and doing the little things that strengthen our marriage over time. And yes, those little things often include washing dishes, folding laundry, sweeping, vacuuming and making dinner.
Where should you start?
Don’t wait to be asked. Look around. What needs to be done? Can you put those dirty clothes in the washing machine? (Don’t mix colors and whites.) Or can you take five minutes and load the dishwasher? Your spouse might notice the little things right away, but they will add up. And they will make a difference. So, no more adding an hour to your commute time, spending a week in jail or giving up sex to avoid household chores. Jump in and start serving your spouse in love.
-- Bill Arbuckle, Focus on the Family
Make Your Bed, Save Your Marriage
Picture this: It’s a bright, sunny morning. You roll out of bed and into your most comfy slippers. You lovingly glance across the rumpled duvet at your spouse standing on the other side of the bed, and then you joyfully make the bed together. … What an awful image!
I don’t care about feng shui or that a clean sleep environment is good for my health. It doesn’t matter that Sept. 11 is National Make Your Bed Day or that my mother would cringe if she knew I still don’t straighten the sheets every morning. The bottom line: I hate making our bed.
Many people don’t make their bed in the morning because they’re late and rushing out the door. That’s not me. I like margin in the morning so I’m typically not frantic. I can’t use that as an excuse. Simply put, I like to get into a messy bed.
My selfishness
My wife, Erin, doesn’t see our unmade bed the same way that I do, so a morning disagreement often ensues. Yes, we’ve had this argument many times throughout our 24 years of marriage. I’ve tried to convince her that unless she’s conducting tours of our bedroom while I’m away, no one will know that the bed is unmade. I’ve tried to explain that the idea of slipping my feet into tightly tucked sheets at night gives me the heebie-jeebies. I’ve tried arguing: “I’m just going to get back in it tonight. What’s the point?” I’ve even tried letting science prove my point by showing her a recent scientific theory about the health benefits of an unmade bed.
The other day I was lamenting to Erin — for the thousandth time — why making the bed is absolutely the dumbest waste of time, when it hit me: My resistance had become utterly selfish. So I started making the bed.
Doing chores in your marriage and making the bed as a service
As a husband, I want to be like Christ. He came to earth to serve, not to be served (Matthew 20:28). One of the greatest joys and privileges of being a husband is to serve my wife.
First Peter 3:7 says, “Husbands, live with your wives in an understanding way, showing honor to the woman.” One of the best ways to show honor to Erin is to serve her.
According to Dictionary.com, in the mid 14th century the word servant meant “professed lover, one devoted to the service of a lady.” I love that image — treating my wife like a knight would treat a lady of the court. But I want my model to be Christ, and He took the idea of being a “professed lover” to a new level when He sacrificed His life to serve you and me.
Doing chores in your marriage and making the bed as a sacrifice
Ultimately, my role as a husband is not just to serve Erin, but to sacrifice for her. “Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her” (Ephesians 5:25).
Sacrifice is giving up something that you possess that’s valuable to you (e.g., your time, money, comfort, desire, etc.) for the sake of someone you consider to be of greater value. Serving — helping out or assisting — is often easy. But when serving Erin costs me something, it’s a whole different story.
I believe that sacrifice is tied to Philippians 2:3: “In humility value others above yourselves” (NIV). I want to sacrificially serve my wife because I consider her to have greater value than me. King Solomon conveyed this perfectly when he wrote, “The man who finds a wife finds a treasure, and he receives favor from the Lord” (Proverbs 18:22, NLT).
Encouraging mutual service through chores in your marriage
Thus, from a place of highly valuing Erin as a treasure from the Lord, I told her that making our bed was now my job. I don’t want to feel selfish every time I watch Erin making the bed. I’m far from being a perfect husband and I still hate making the bed, but I love sacrificing for my wife.
This concept of encouraging mutual service in a relationship is more than just good biblical counsel. Researchers have found that couples willing to make sacrifices within their relationships were more effective in solving their problems. This sacrificial love predicted lower divorce rates and slower rates of deterioration in the relationship.
A good marriage is made of two servants looking for ways to sacrifice for each other out of a deep awareness of the other’s incredible value. Romans 12:10 says it perfectly, “Outdo one another in showing honor.”
Based on research and experience from Dr. Greg and Erin Smalley, Focus on the Family has created valid and reliable questions that evaluate the strength of your marriage. Take our free assessment now.
