Male Abuse in Marriage? Why an Abusive Wife Is No Laughing Matter

Estimated reading time: 14 minutes

Can men experience abuse in marriage? The short answer is yes, absolutely. The long answer is also yes, but men often find themselves in a slightly different situation than women when it comes to abuse. Because people generally take male abuse lightly, there are fewer resources available to them if they need help. And men abused by women often feel they can’t speak up because they have so much to lose. So what are the signs of male abuse? And what do you do about an abusive wife?

Examples of Male Abuse

Lucas

For professional golfer Lucas Glover, abuse included being verbally attacked by his wife, Krista, for not proceeding to the next round of a golf tournament.

Following a 2018 altercation involving Glover and his mother, authorities arrested Krista and charged her with domestic battery. Glover admitted in the police report that this wasn’t a rare occurrence. His wife would often say things like “You’re such a loser” or “You better win or the kids and I will leave you and you will never see us again.”

Timothy

College professor Dr. Timothy Golden shares in a 2016 TEDx talk that his ex-wife repeatedly criticized and degraded him because of his body weight. He says she would constantly remark on how attractive other men were compared with him. She eventually declared celibacy until he “made himself more attractive.”

Ron

Ron Mattocks, a former army officer and senior business executive, revealed that his now ex-wife tried to convince him that his anger was the problem in their marriage even though he had no history of anger issues.

As he writes in “When Men Are Victims of Abuse,” she convinced him that his parents were abusive and to cut ties with them. She often called him a “14-year-old boy trying to get laid” and asked him when he’d ever be a man.

She regularly made him endure “several hours of passive-aggressive silence before being forced to talk things out.” His offenses? Hanging pictures up too high, making the bed the wrong way or folding T-shirts poorly.

This constant barrage on his person and isolation from everyone else led him to the brink of suicide.

A Clear Definition of Abuse

The National Domestic Violence Hotline defines abuse as “a pattern of behaviors used by one partner to maintain power and control over another partner in an intimate relationship.”

By this definition, abuse knows no gender and is a weapon effectively wielded by women as well as men. Nonetheless, society often expects men to endure torment without so much as batting an eye.

“Be a man” is shorthand for, “Toughen up. Don’t be a wimp or a loser.”

This means army officers, business executives, professional athletes, college professors, and many other men often silently endure abuse at the hands of their wives — because to speak up would show weakness.

Physical Abuse of Men

Men can experience abuse from women in all its forms — even physical abuse.

• According to the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, “One in seven men report having experienced severe physical violence from an intimate partner in their lifetime.”
• The National Domestic Violence Hotline reports that 13% of their documented contact comes from male victims.
• One meta-analysis concluded that abusive “women are slightly more likely than men to use one or more acts of physical aggression and to use such acts more frequently,” while men are more likely to cause injury.

Although “intimate partner” statistics are broader than the context of the Biblical definition of marriage, these studies indicate that men experience abuse too.

Sexual Abuse of Men

Men can also experience sexual abuse from women. A sexually abusive wife may push her husband into sexual situations against his will, such as recording him or including other partners in their sex life. Sometimes sexual abuse comes in the form of unwanted touch.

Another type of sexual abuse husbands may experience is called Made to Penetrate. This is defined by the CDC as sexual violence when a victim is “made to, or there was an attempt to make them, sexually penetrate someone without consent as a result of physical force or when the victim is unable to consent due to being too drunk, high, or drugged, (e.g., incapacitation, lack of consciousness, or lack of awareness) from their voluntary or involuntary use of alcohol or drugs.”

Emotional Abuse of Men

Psychological (emotional) abuse is cited by one study as likely to be “the most pervasive form of relationship maltreatment.”

According to the research in this study, 8.3% of men report experiencing emotional abuse in their relationships. The researchers define emotional abuse as abuse that can include “verbal assault, dominance, control, isolation, ridicule or the use of intimate knowledge for degradation.”

Verbal assault can manifest as:

• Intimidation or threats (“You better win or I’ll leave you”)
• Aggression (cursing, etc.)
• Humiliation (“When will you ever be a man?”)
• Silent treatment
• Blaming
• Criticism
• Gaslighting
• Judging

Tim Sanford, Clinical Director for Counseling Services at Focus on the Family, agrees that the research matches his counseling experience.

“With [abusive] women, I don’t think you see as much of that huge explosiveness,” he says. “It’s more of this purposeful pick, pick, pick.”

He compares the difference between a single abusive event and constant abuse as the difference between being chomped once by a T. rex or a million times by piranhas. Sanford’s conclusion? “Either way you end up dead. So, either way, it’s abusive.”

Why Do Men Stay with an Abusive Wife?

Why would a husband put up with this kind of treatment? Counselors who work with abused men say there are multiple reasons.

Men Fear of Losing Status

If a man’s wife is abusive, he may hide it because he want to avoid the social fallout of admitting he’s been hurt and abused — especially by a woman.

Speaking up about the abuse can cost him the respect of his coworkers or church community. Admitting abuse might feel like admitting to being a victim.

In many men’s minds, victims are weak. And they don’t consider weakness a characteristic of manhood. To avoid the loss of “manly” status in society, many husbands choose to continue to suffer.

Men Fear Not Being Believed

Dismissal

As many women in abusive relationships do, men may wonder who will believe them if they speak up.

Societal images of abuse usually portray men as the aggressor. It’s difficult for many to see a man as a victim in his relationship. This is especially true if he’s physically bigger than his spouse.

Golden, the professor who shares his emotional abuse story on the TEDx stage, shared in a separate interview that he recalls calling more than eight different sources for help and none of them had any resources for men. He said one therapist, while laughing, told him that men don’t get abused by women.

This perspective is only amplified by the media. Men are fair game for slaps, punches, and crotch-kicks.

Ridicule

Sanford points out that violence against men in the media is played for laughs. “It’s laughable if the woman hits the guy; it’s a joke. But if a guy hits the wife … call 911. And so, there is a double standard there.”

Husbands in media are also fair game for ridicule.

Many TV shows portray making fun of the husband or calling him names as normal behavior. Wendy Brown, licensed marriage and family therapist, says she sees this in her office, as well.

“I get couples who come in and the husband will say, ‘She calls me all of these horribly demeaning names. She curses at me.’” Yet Brown says that this behavior is not normal or healthy. “To me that’s kind of crossing that line. Then it’s not just nagging you about ‘let’s work on the relationship or clean out the garage’ or whatever it is, it becomes an attack on your [the husband’s] character, your identity.”

Men Fear Being Named the Aggressor

Brown points out that husbands in abusive relationships fear being accused of being the abusers if they protect themselves from their wife’s attacks. “There’s that fear of, if I grab her and hold her, then I’m accused of hurting her.”

It’s not unheard of for an abusive wife to call or threaten to call the authorities and report her husband as the abuser. Lucas Glover’s wife called 911 and reported that he and his mother had attacked her, but the police were able to assess the situation and arrested her instead.

Men Desire to Remain Married

Brown says that many husbands in abusive relationships love their wives and want to maintain their relationship. They want her to be seen as the wonderful person that people think she is. So they don’t report the abuse or tell anyone. 

Sanford adds that in some cases where there is a history of previous trauma, husbands may hold on to the relationship because it’s less painful than being alone.

Men Fear of Losing Access to Children

Statistics from the U.S. Census Bureau show that fathers make up only 19.6% of parents with full custody of their children. There is an upward trend, but historically it’s been more difficult for men to gain full custody of their children.

Licensed marriage and family therapist Glenn Lutjens points out that many husbands with an abusive wife stay because they believe their children will be safer or they fear they will lose access to them. Abusive wives may use the threat of cutting off the father’s contact with his children as leverage to keep their victim silent.

Misapplication of Scripture

Christians can misuse the Bible to excuse abusive behavior. Lutjens says some people have a “spiritualizing tendency to misunderstand or misinterpret Scripture.”

For example, in Matthew 5:39 Jesus advises His listeners, “Do not resist the one who is evil. But if anyone slaps you on the right cheek, turn to him the other also.” Lutjens explains that people misinterpret this passage to mean accepting abusive behavior from your spouse but he emphasizes that, in context, that is not what Jesus is talking about.

Because of false Bible teaching, Sanford says some husbands can feel pressure to have a perfect household. He says people may tell husbands, “If the marriage falls or breaks or makes it it’s on him because he’s the head of the house.” This can lead to a desire to tough it out even when a situation turns abusive.

“All that teaching, he can just take that as ‘I guess that’s what I have to do. This is just my cross to bear,” says Sanford. But abuse is not God’s design for marriage. While every marriage has its trials, counselors advise husbands in an abusive relationship to seek help.

Disconnection from Emotions

Golden speaks about his socialization as a man to “ignore how you feel, even when it hurts.” He cites this as a useful tool on the football field but a much more harmful mentality in real life.

The National Domestic Violence Hotline corroborates his experience by reporting that many men do not report or seek help for their abuse because, “Men are socialized not to express their feelings or see themselves as victims.”

Brown adds that this suppression of emotions can lead men to have a huge affect on them. It can cause an internal disconnect between abusive words and actions, and their emotional impact.

Men who experience this disconnection between actions and their emotional impact may be unable to name the harm inflicted on them by their abusive wife. Coupled with the societal expectations of men to be strong, this makes it almost impossible for a man to see himself as a victim of abuse at the hands of a woman.

The Effects of Abuse on Men

Domestic abuse has a life-draining effect on the victim, both physically and mentally.

Common effects of abuse on the victim are:

• Depression
• Harmful coping strategies such as workaholism or substance abuse
• High blood pressure
• Loss of confidence
• Insomnia
• Physical injuries, e.g., broken bones
• Low self-worth
• PTSD
• Suicidal thoughts

How to Get Help as Men Suffering from Abuse

While marriage remains the best and safest context in which men, women, and children thrive, it’s important to recognize when things go awry and abuse of anyone, including men, occurs. Maybe you’re wondering if you’re in an abusive relationship and aren’t sure what to do. Consider taking these simple steps to help gain clarity on your situation.

Name the Abuse That’s Happening

Sanford recommends writing down “what is really happening to you in the course of a week or a month.” He also suggests keeping track of the frequency. Is this happening twice a month, twice in 10 minutes, or every 10 minutes?

For example,

• She threw her cell phone at my head.
• She cussed me out for not loading the dishwasher correctly.
• She read my text messages to make sure I didn’t say anything that would make her look bad.

Name the Emotional Impact of Your Abusive Wife’s Actions

How are your wife’s actions affecting your internal state? Do you feel powerless? Ashamed? Scared? Isolated? Rejected?

Lutjens says that understanding the emotional impact of your wife’s actions is a crucial step in determining if you’re experiencing abuse. “If it’s just about what’s taking place and you’re not exploring, ‘OK, what’s my emotion in this?’ it’s just a factual account,” he says.

It’s easy to brush off a list of offenses as “not a big deal” or “not anything to whine about.” But Lutjens stresses the importance of exploring the emotional impact of those actions.

Remind yourself that your feelings matter in your marriage. Ask yourself without judgment or condemnation, How does this make me feel? or What am I feeling in this moment?

A feelings wheel is an effective tool to help you name your emotions.

Remember that while we all hurt our spouses sometimes, abuse is a pattern of harmful behavior used to control and manipulate. If your wife is purposefully and habitually causing you physical or emotional harm, you need to address the issue.

Speak Up About the Abuse

Lutjens says the only way to experience a change in your relationship is to speak up about what’s not working. “There are so many things that stay as secrets,” he says. “That’s when they fester. They just stay the same. They don’t change.”

Find a safe space to give voice to what you’re experiencing. A trusted friend, family member or church leader may be a good place to start.

Lutjens suggests speaking to a good Christian counselor: “Counseling is the opportunity to give voice to what your experiences are and to know what you feel.”

Focus on the Family offers a free counseling consultation which is a first step toward that process. It may seem difficult to find the right person to share with, but pray that God will guide you to someone who is empathetic and wise.

Make a Plan

Formulate a strategy to bring you and your children to safety.

Healing for you and your spouse may require a time of separation. A healing separation is time to evaluate and change dysfunctional patterns and behaviors in your marriage. You may need to seek support from family, friends, or your church community.

If you feel you’re in imminent danger, call 911 or the National Domestic Violence Hotline as soon as possible.

While many domestic abuse resources cater to women, there are a growing number of organizations with resources for men in abusive relationships. Here are some places that can help:

• Focus on the Family
• The Hotline
• SAFE
• RAINN

Lean on God

In Psalm 27:1 David clings to God as his “light and salvation.” He asks, “Whom shall I fear?”

Sometimes fear can keep us from experiencing God’s salvation and deliverance. But the Bible says God is our refuge and “very present help” in times of trouble.

If you’re in an abusive relationship, draw from the Lord’s strength. Seek godly counsel to help bring you out of the darkness of an abusive relationship and into the light of health and wholeness.

How to Help a Male Abuse Victim

If a man talks to you about his abusive wife, affirm his openness and courage in speaking up about abuse. Counselors say it’s important to validate the fact that harmful behavior is taking place and acknowledge its impact.

One of the key reasons men don’t speak up is a fear that people won’t believe them or will ridicule them. Provide a safe and non-judgmental space for them to share and process their experience.

Use statements such as, “It makes perfect sense that you feel devalued by that” or “It’s not OK for her to hit you.”

You may also ask clarifying questions to help the victim connect the harmful behavior to their emotions. Ask questions such as, “What was that like for you when … ?” or “How did that make you feel when … ?”

Male Abuse Victims Need Each Other

As the professor who shared his story of abuse in a TEDx talk says, it’s important for men and the people around them to be aware of abuse against men.

Golden was able to start his journey to healing when he finally found a men’s group at a small church where he could share his feelings. He discovered he “was far from being the only one who experienced what he had been experiencing for so long.”

He ends his talk with this call to action, “I hope that as a result of something I’ve said tonight someone, some man, somewhere, somehow, some way will cease to suffer in silence because someone has listened in a way that has allowed them to be touched by the story… the story of the men, or man in your life.”

Focus on the Family is dedicated to bringing healing and restoration to couples who are struggling in their marriage. But God’s design for marriage never included abuse, violence or coercive control. Even emotional abuse can bruise or severely harm a person’s heart, mind and soul. If you are in an abusive relationship, go to a safe place and call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-7233 or visit them online at thehotline.org.