Estimated reading time: 11 minutes
There is nothing simplistic about it — it’s heartrending. It’s a place in which you never thought you’d find yourself, or you never dreamt that couple would find themselves. It’s a pain no couple plans to share: infidelity.
According to research done by Buss & Shackelford in the Journal of Research in Personality, approximately 30 percent to 60 percent of all married individuals in the United States will engage in infidelity at some point during their marriage. In this day and age, financial stress, parenting issues, disagreements over work-and-home balance, social media temptations, pornography and an array of other issues all have the potential to lead a couple down the road to infidelity.
Josh was the football player, and Amy was the beauty he dated throughout college. Shortly after graduation they married, and Josh began to pursue his dream of attending medical school. They soon added two babies to their family, and life seemed full. It all felt wonderful as Josh began to complete the last stage of medical school.
But things began to crumble when Josh learned he hadn’t passed a necessary exam and couldn’t proceed without it. Amy continued to pray and support him. She even held down the fort while Josh traveled to a review class hundreds of miles away.
Josh and Amy could feel the distance between them physically and emotionally as they both pursued good things — separately. Amy started to notice some unusual behavior in Josh. He had more frequent trips away to “study,” and he engaged in private phone calls at odd hours of the night. Things just weren’t adding up.
With complete heartbreak, Amy’s greatest fears came true when she learned that Josh had met a young female medical student who was studying to pass the same exam. At first it wasn’t a full-blown affair, but it rapidly became one. Amy didn’t know what to do other than seek God and the help of godly friends who would walk with her as she fought to recover from marriage infidelity.
Table of contents
Discovering and defining
Discovering an affair can cause deep and intense emotional pain. If you’ve been there, my heart goes out to you. The sense of betrayal, loss of trust and the sting of deception can be overwhelming. Typically this triggers deep emotions in both the partner being cheated on and in the spouse involved in the affair.
To be certain we are on the same page, iMerriam-Webster defines infidelity as “the act or fact of having a romantic or sexual relationship with someone other than one’s husband [or] wife.” Infidelity can also include an emotional connection without physical intimacy. People often report that the betrayal felt with an emotional affair can be equally as intense as that felt with a sexual affair. Either way, the broken trust and the emotional impact of the affair is devastating.
During the discovery of any extramarital affair, many questions surface about the true colors of the marriage relationship. Typically, the unfaithful spouse struggles with low self-esteem, alcoholism, drug abuse or even a sexual addiction. Additionally, the couple uncovers marital issues that may have been brewing for years. Typically, these will be unspoken matters that have increasingly caused disconnection, silence and a gradual separating of hearts between spouses. But the affair isn’t going to be the answer to any of the marital concerns. An affair is often born out of a fantasy in which an individual seeks to escape the reality of either individual or marital problems. And the person outside the marriage is often seen as the temporary solution to real-life challenges.
Encouragement and recovery from marriage infidelity
If you, like Josh and Amy, have experienced an affair in your marriage, I want to support you and offer some direction on how to recover from marriage infidelity.
First, I encourage you not to make any quick decisions about ending your marriage. Take your time and do the hard work of understanding what was behind the affair. During this time, you will need to give each other space — possibly a temporary separation. Because of the deep emotions associated with betrayal and grief that often follow the discovery of an affair, the needed space is encouraged. This may look different for every couple, so I encourage you to do this under the guidance of a counselor, trusted friend or pastor. Amy depended largely on a group of godly girlfriends who surrounded her as she considered what her next steps might be.
As I proceed in this discussion, I really want to address both parties recover from marriage infidelity: the offended spouse (the one who has been cheated on) and the unfaithful spouse.
Recovery for the offended
If you recently discovered your spouse has been unfaithful, I want to offer some guidance on how to recover from marriage infidelity.
- You may be overwhelmed by the level of emotion you are experiencing. These emotions can range from utter devastation to intense sadness and everything in between. If you find yourself in a season like Amy did, with small children to care for and a house to keep up, know that Amy admitted, “Some days it was difficult to just get out of bed.” The challenge will be in trying to manage your emotions.
- To function during this heart-wrenching stage of your family life, taking great care of yourself is essential. You’ll need to attend to your basic needs for food, sleep, exercise and healthy stress management. Although it may feel unrealistic at first, the more you can do to meet these basic needs amid the emotional turmoil, the healthier you will be.
- As you walk this difficult path, you will probably have many questions about the details of the affair, your own value, your spouse’s true character and what you did to contribute to the situation. Give yourself permission to ask your spouse questions about the affair or your marriage relationship, requesting complete honesty and transparency when he or she answers. As you question your own value or worth — an anxiety that often results after your spouse cheats on you — I encourage you to turn to the Lord. Ask Him to speak to your wounded heart about what He sees when He looks at you and what the truth is about who you are. Remember that God is the only source of truth that is fully reliable and always available.
- During this time you’ll need to seek the support of family and friends. The Enemy would love to feed you the lie that no one else has been down this road, and he’ll try to deceive you into remaining isolated and alone. Don’t give in to the Enemy’s lies! Seek the support of godly friends who are willing to stand with you to help fight for your marriage. We encourage you to consult only with same-sex friends so you protect yourself from temptation.
- Focus on your heart. Although it may take time, this focus will include forgiving your spouse. First and foremost, this does not mean forgetting what has happened to you or what your spouse may have chosen to do. Simply put, forgiveness is something you choose because it is beneficial to your own heart.
- Begin to understand what you did to contribute to the state of your marriage. Although you are not responsible for your spouse’s actions or choices, it can be helpful to discover what changes you can make to help heal the marriage relationship and recover from marriage infidelity.
At this point in your experience, some of these suggestions may seem impossible, but be patient and take it one day at a time. Your loving heavenly Father can heal not only your heart, but your marriage, too. Amy and Josh can attest to this because they eventually reunited and added two more children to their family. They now use their story to encourage other couples to help them see that fighting for your marriage can be worth the effort.
Restoring Your Marriage After Admitting to Infidelity
Here are tips to help you recover from marriage infidelity after being unfaithful to your spouse.
You may be asking yourself, How in the world did I get here? or thinking, I didn’t see this coming. Or, maybe you had reached such a place of disconnect with your spouse that in your pain you sought comfort outside your marriage. Regardless of what led you down the road to infidelity, at some point there comes the wake-up call that demands you acknowledge what has happened and the utter devastation of your choices. If you are digging yourself out of the enormity of an affair, as Josh did, and you now desire to fight for your marriage, this article is for you.
The day came when Josh had to come face-to-face with the destruction his choices had led to. Not only for him personally, but for his marriage and his children. Once Amy had pieced the deception and lies together, she confronted him. After running from the truth and into the fantasy of his new life, Josh hit an all-time emotional low. After a year of what he thought was the answer to all of his personal and professional issues, Josh approached Amy with humility and enormous brokenness, pleading with her for at least a glimmer of hope to save their marriage. He knew the road wouldn’t be easy, but when he faced the reality of losing his best friend, the mother to his children and the dream of growing old together, the remorse broke Josh’s heart.
If you desire to pursue healing in your marriage after being unfaithful to your husband or wife, here are some steps to consider:
- End the affair completely. To recover from marriage infidelity, stop all contact with the other person — including face-to-face meetings, text messages, phone calls, quick meetings, and especially any romantic or sexual contact. If the other person contacts you, report to your spouse before he or she asks you about it. This will begin to rebuild trust and complete honesty.
- Take 100 percent responsibility for the affair. Although an affair usually indicates underlying issues within your marriage, you must take responsibility for your choices and actions. You betrayed your marriage vows — regardless of the issues at home. Although it would be easy to slide into the blame game, you need to own your choices and set all excuses aside if you want to recover from marriage infidelity.
- Attempt to empathize with your spouse. Your husband or wife will have many emotional responses to your unfaithfulness. As you empathize with him or her, seek to understand what this has been like for the betrayed partner. This is not the time to demand that your spouse own his or her imperfections or faults. Right now you must help establish your commitment and fidelity to the marriage relationship. Being empathetic can lead you to ultimately seek true heartfelt forgiveness. Some marriage experts contend that the No. 1 indicator of whether a marriage will survive an affair is the ability of the unfaithful spouse to show empathy with the betrayed spouse when he or she is emotional about the pain caused by the affair. Although you will likely want to defend yourself or fight back, it’s essential that you do everything you can to be empathetic and understanding of your spouse. Try to validate his or her pain, showing compassion and tenderness; understanding that your choices have caused the turmoil your spouse is experiencing. Although it may be difficult, allow your husband or wife as much time as is needed to process these deep emotions, consistently responding to him or her with honesty and regret.
- Recommit to your husband or wife. This kind of commitment can be expressed by clarifying that you are all in and will do whatever it takes to fight for your relationship. Your spouse’s level of trust with you has been deeply impacted, even lost, and rebuilding it will take time. The proactive steps you take now will be vital to his or her recovery from marriage infidelity.
- Be completely honest and transparent with your spouse. Although answering questions with complete honesty and openness seems counter-intuitive, it is an essential part of rebuilding trust with your spouse. Tell the whole truth about the affair, honestly explaining how it transpired and then how you have ended it. These are important pieces of information if your spouse is going to understand the timeline of the affair. Your husband or wife should feel confident that you have no secrets about life — in social media, phone records, text messages and in all information pertaining to your whereabouts. Allow your spouse to ask questions and inquire about the details of your life. Transparency will help in the healing process.
- Be careful to protect your spouse from details that will bring images to his or her mind. Although a commitment to complete honesty is critical, too many sexual details will give your spouse images he or she doesn’t need to experience. Having a counselor walk you through this process is often helpful so you can determine what is useful information and what might be hurtful in the long run.
- Seek help with the healing of your own heart. You will also be experiencing enormous amounts of emotion — feelings such as shame, guilt and unworthiness. Because a healthy marriage is made of two healthy individuals, getting outside help will be beneficial for you as an individual and for the health of your marriage relationship.
- Express gratitude to your spouse. He or she is choosing to fight for your marriage relationship in spite of the choices you have made. This truly is an act of sacrificial love. Make sure to let your husband or wife know how thankful you are.
Although the shock waves of an affair will be felt within your relationship for many, many months or years, it is possible to rebuild a marriage that is good — even great. Amy and Josh can attest to this fact. They describe the difficult road they walked to recovery as being well worth the gift they have today within their marriage and their family. Remember, right now is the time to choose what kind of legacy you will hand down to your children and their children.
It is a powerful thing to see our gracious heavenly Father heal a devastated relationship recovering from marriage infidelity. Isaiah 43:19 declares, “Behold, I am doing a new thing; now it springs forth, do you not perceive it? I will make a way in the wilderness and rivers in the desert.”
If you are willing, the Lord is able to do a “new thing” in your marriage; He can even make a way in your wilderness and create rivers in your desert.
