Estimated reading time: 8 minutes
Ashley was not the prettiest and certainly not the sexiest woman Christopher had ever seen. In fact, she didn’t hold a candle to his wife. But Ashley worked for Christopher. He spent a lot of time with her at the office. He could tell she admired him. He liked her, respected her and thought she was bright, creative and interesting.
Was Christopher romantically interested in her? The very question would have offended him. They were both happily married. Neither would even think about an attraction between them.
So he didn’t worry when he first found himself missing Ashley when she was out of town for a couple of days. He asked his secretary to be sure to let him know when she called, because he had “business to discuss with her.” It was true. And when the business had been discussed, they talked a little more.
“We miss you around here, Ashley.” The emphasis was on “we.”
“I miss you, too,” she said. “All of you. I look forward to seeing you when I get back.”
“Me too.”
Nice. Friendly. Innocent.
And dangerous. But Christopher didn’t know that then.
In the ensuing weeks and months, Christopher and Ashley slowly began to depend upon each other emotionally. They went from telling each other what good friends they were to making their conversation more personal, more meaningful. They were simply two people who hit it off, liked each other, became special to each other, and eventually became enamored with each other. Suddenly, or so it seemed, the inevitable happened.
Seemingly Innocent Flirting Can Hurt Your Marriage
Flirting is so much fun because the rushes, emotions and pleasures are sexual. It’s foreplay with no payoff. It makes the heart race, the face flush and a feeling of well-being wash over the body. It can seem harmless, but it’s not. It may seem even more harmless when it’s over the internet, perhaps in direct messages with an old girlfriend you found on Facebook or Instagram. But again, it’s not.
But . . . who do we usually flirt with? Who would we like to flirt with? Good friends from work? From church? Young people? Wives of friends?
We tell ourselves we don’t mean anything by it. It’s innocent. They’re safe. It’s a way of having a good time at no one else’s expense.
Right?
It seemed innocent and safe, but then you said or did things you never thought you would say or do. Maybe on a business trip you hung around with a colleague of the opposite sex, and upon reflection you know you wouldn’t have wanted your spouse to do the same thing. It could be that nothing improper was said or done, but simply investing the emotional energy and time was inappropriate.
Looking back, you see you were living dangerously. When friends fall right and left, you recognize you were fortunate that you weren’t ensnared.
Or perhaps you did become emotionally involved and fell just short of committing adultery—or you in fact did. Perhaps you live with guilt because you never confided that to anyone, including—and especially—your spouse.
If so many of your friends and acquaintances have fallen—people you never would have suspected—how will you avoid becoming a casualty?
Cultivating Hedges in Marriage
Planting hedges in a yard can be a valuable addition to any landscape—a row of closely spaced bushes, shrubs or small trees pruned and trained to form a dense, linear boundary. This offers a wide array of benefits, including enhancing both the aesthetic and functional aspects of your yard. Among other things, hedges also provide privacy, define property lines and mitigate the impact of strong winds.
By strategically planting a hedge, you can also shield your property from prying eyes. This natural barrier not only adds a layer of seclusion but also contributes to a more peaceful and tranquil environment. It might also keep you from coveting your neighbor’s greener grass. (See the metaphor I’m going for here?)
Maintaining a healthy and thriving hedge requires effort, but the rewards are well worth it. Regular pruning is essential to encourage dense growth and maintain a neat appearance. Planting hedges in your yard is a multifaceted investment that can provide benefits for years, much like the personal hedges I recommend.
Because people are much more precious than land, we must keep from deceiving ourselves about our own resolve and inner strength. Instead, we should plant healthy marital hedges that keep love in and infidelity out.
Hedges Planted Firmly
I have a list of rather prudish rules that I used to be embarrassed to speak about except to my wife, Dianna, to whom they are a gift of love. These rules are intended to protect my eyes, my heart, my hands, and therefore my marriage. I say these rules appear prudish because my mentioning them when necessary has elicited squints, scowls and not-so-hidden smiles of condescension. Clarifying them in print, I risk implying that without following my list, I would plunge into all manner of affairs.
I direct the rules initially toward appearances, because I’ve found that if I take care of how things look, I take care of how they are. In other words, if I am never alone with an unrelated female because it might not look appropriate, I have eliminated the possibility that anything inappropriate will take place.
In enforcing my own rules, I don’t mean to insult the many virtuous women who might otherwise have legitimate reasons to meet or dine alone with me without the slightest temptation of having designs on me. One of the more disappointing developments from the famed #MeToo movement is that many women actually take offense at what has become known as the Billy Graham rule: not meeting with, traveling with or dining with an unrelated female alone. Somehow this has become an offense and is considered demeaning to women, when in reality it is meant to honor them. Simple hedges, that’s all these rules are.
Six Rules to Live By to Keep Flirting from Hurting Your Marriage
Here are the hedges I’ve built around myself to protect me, my wife, my family, my employer, my church and the reputation of Christ:
- Whenever I need to meet or dine or travel with an unrelated woman, I make sure to have a third person in attendance. Should an unavoidable last-minute complication make this impossible, my wife hears it from me first.
- I am careful about touching. Although I might shake hands or squeeze an arm or shoulder in greeting, I embrace only dear friends or relatives, and only in front of others.
- If I pay a compliment, it is on clothes or hairstyles, not on the person herself. Commenting on a pretty outfit is different, in my opinion, than telling a woman she herself looks pretty.
- I avoid flirtation or suggestive conversation, even in jest.
- I remind my wife often, in writing and orally, that I remember my wedding vows: “Keeping you only unto me for as long as we both shall live. . . .” Dianna is not the jealous type, nor has she ever demanded such assurances from me. She does, however, appreciate my rules and my observance of them.
- When our sons were young, I maintained a rigid hedge around my time. From when I got home from work until the children went to bed, I did no writing or office work. This gave me lots of time with the family and for my wife and me to continue to court and date.
Make Them Your Own
I am now a full-time freelance writer, and the boys are no longer living at home. So that sixth hedge is now moot and instead has become this: I keep myself accountable to a small board of trusted friends.
For now, let me suggest another, seventh hedge you may want or need to plant, due to the insidious nature of internet porn. It’s simply this: Do anything and everything to avoid pornography.
Unfortunately, as I’ve implied, that has become nearly impossible these days. You can stumble upon it or—if you’re tempted to justify it for a momentary rush—not even the old shame of being seen in a porn shop or adult theater can stop you. Access to this poison is as easy and convenient as a keystroke on your computer or a swipe on your phone.
But the wholly private nature of it won’t eliminate the regret and shame that will haunt you if you’re a true believer who desperately wants to honor God and your marriage.
Let me clarify: My hedges may not be your hedges. Especially nowadays, you may need to plant some where I never dreamed they would be needed, and vice versa. Resist the urge to get caught up in what a weak, paranoid guy I must be. Rather, if my hedge applies, plant it; if it doesn’t, plant one of your own where you need it.
Your marriage, and the kingdom, will be the better for it.
Playful Exchanges
If you want to flirt, flirt with your wife. She may not look, feel or sound the way she did when you first flirted with her years ago, but she still wants you to flirt with her. Try it. Wink at her across the room. Blow her a kiss no one else sees. Play footsie with her under the table. Give her a squeeze or a tickle no one else notices.
Are you afraid she’ll think you’re crazy? Well, you are crazy, aren’t you? Put yourself in her place. Would you like to be flirted with by someone who loves you, someone who can tease about what she might do with you later and then deliver? Do you, or would you, appreciate your wife making a pass at you, making a suggestive comment, giving you a knowing look?
Married couples do not commonly flirt with each other, and the practice may have to be relearned. Marital flirting is really no different from adolescent flirting. You can do the same things, only everything you’re thinking about and hoping will happen is legal, normal, acceptable and beautiful. Marital flirting is fun and safe.
