A newlywed couple was struggling to keep their marriage together just six months after their wedding. The reason was no mystery. They had accumulated $180,000 of combined consumer and student-loan debt — on just $60,000 of income. The wedding, honeymoon and home furnishings were all purchased with credit cards and loans from family. The couple’s financial picture was shocking. Unfortunately, their marriage did not last through their first year, and bankruptcy was in the future for both of them.
God’s plan for our finances
Surviving the “for richer, for poorer” part of our wedding vows begins with understanding that God has a plan for our finances. In fact, understanding God’s minimum requirements for money is a way to thrive in married life as we avoid some of the difficulties that can take place over the course of a marriage.
Rather than seeing the goal of a new marriage as the accumulation of things, couples need to build a strong team relationship and seek God first. Jesus talked about the desire to accumulate things and about worries over money. In Matthew 6:33, He advised: “Seek first the kingdom of God and his righteousness, and all these things will be added to you.”
Rather than being owners of all we hold, we are more accurately “renters” in this world — caretakers of what God has given us. “We brought nothing into the world, and we cannot take anything out of the world” (1 Timothy 6:7). Once couples accept that God owns everything and they have simply been chosen to be stewards or managers of His property, then it’s important for them to manage according to His principles and standards. How we faithfully manage what He has given us will determine whether He will give us greater things to manage. “Well done, good and faithful servant. You have been faithful over a little; I will set you over much. Enter into the joy of your master” (Matthew 25:23).
The biblical concept of stewardship begins with understanding that we will be judged by how well we take care of our resources, including the people in our lives. Here are some important truths to keep in mind as you consider how to become better stewards:
Think ahead to avoid marriage and money roblems
“Which of you, desiring to build a tower, does not first sit down and count the cost, whether he has enough to complete it?” (Luke 14:28). Too often, couples put off planning until they are so deeply in debt that it seems impossible to get out. That’s not planning; it’s reacting. Couples need to begin planning by writing down their goals and objectives, which should include a balanced budget, and these goals and objectives need to be reviewed yearly. One of the first goals includes avoiding financial bondage by staying out of additional debt and committing to paying off existing debt. This doesn’t necessarily mean that a couple should never borrow money, but borrowing to buy consumables, such as gifts, vacations and clothes, should be avoided. This type of borrowing will put a couple back into insurmountable debt faster than they can pay themselves out of it.
Keep good records to avoid marriage and money problems
“By wisdom a house is built, and by understanding it is established; by knowledge the rooms are filled with all precious and pleasant riches” (Proverbs 24:3-4). It is impossible for couples to have their finances under control unless they understand the basics of good record keeping. Recently it was discovered that fewer than two out of 10 couples know how to actually balance their bank accounts. This means that many married couples seldom know how much money they have to spend or how much they are spending. Couples should work together to develop their financial plans, but there should be only one bookkeeper in the home who pays the bills. Two bookkeepers tend to invite disaster.
Get educated to avoid marriage and money problems
“The simple believes everything, but the prudent gives thought to his steps” (Proverbs 14:15). Most financially naive couples are not stupid regarding money; they are just uninformed regarding how borrowing and interest rates work. As a result, their primary concern becomes “How much are the monthly payments?” rather than “How much is this going to cost ultimately?” In addition, naive people often borrow more money than they can repay because they have no budget. In essence, they have no idea where their money goes each month or how much credit their income can support. Couples need to learn financial management and budgeting principles and use that information to avoid debt or financial problems. Crown Financial Ministries has many tools to help create budgets, plan retirement and consider the true cost of your plans so they can be fulfilled.
God has special purposes for every couple: to bring joy to the husband and wife and to create a team that can achieve more together than the individuals could accomplish on their own. Think of your goals as larger than your purchases, and get free from debt so you can be available for any adventure God brings your way.
Don’t Let Money Make a Mess of Your Marriage
Financial stress is one of the leading causes of divorce. Rather than allowing it to divide you and your spouse, consider these tips from Crystal Paine, author and founder of MoneySavingMom.com, to help minimize the tension in your home.
I well remember the day. That moment in my marriage when I just couldn’t take the financial stress anymore. My husband, Jesse, and I had been married for about four years. We had a toddler and a newborn.
Jesse had recently graduated from law school, and I was struggling with postpartum depression at the same time I was running a fledgling online business. The wonderful starting job we thought my husband was going to have for at least a few years after law school ended up not panning out. Instead, job leads seemed to be going nowhere, our bank account balance was dwindling quickly, we had endless bills to pay and a whole lot of stress.
The struggle
We’d get up each morning and simply try to make it through the day. I would care for our girls, stretch our budget as far as I could and look for creative ways to make my online business turn more than a part-time profit. Jesse would look for new job leads, follow up on old job leads, make telephone calls, send his résumé to any place he thought might be a possibility for employment.
Jesse finally got to the place where he started applying for any and every job he heard of — including with a company that was hiring staff to distribute telephone books. I’ll never forget the day he got the news that all the openings for phone book distributors had been filled. It felt like a punch in the gut!
Jesse was a licensed attorney who had gone to school for more than seven years . . . and he couldn’t even get a job making door-to-door deliveries! And that was the day when, out of stress and frustration, I blamed my husband for not being able to get a job. I was so tired of having to live on a beans-and-rice budget. I was so tired of wondering how we were going to pay our bills.
It doesn’t have to be this way
I lashed out at Jesse. I yelled at him — even threatened to leave him. It was the last thing my husband needed from me, but as I’ve seen in our marriage and in so many other marriages, finances can cause enormous amounts of stress for a couple. Financial struggles can be the impetus for miscommunication, distrust, fighting and even divorce. But it doesn’t have to be this way.
Couples can take proactive steps to significantly reduce their financial stress and to enjoy greater harmony in their marriage. If finances are currently a source of stress in your marriage or if you and your spouse are simply looking for ways to be on the same financial page, here are six strategies I’ve learned since that rocky time in my marriage. These basics have helped me to live with much less financial stress so Jesse and I can experience married life with much more joy.
Get and stay on the same team
To win in life and finances, you’ve got to be on the same team with your spouse. When it comes to finances, you have to ditch the me-versus-you mentality. Drop the “his money” and “her money” phrases and replace them with “our money.”
If you want to enjoy financial unity, you’ll need to follow a game plan that you come up with together. Before you start creating any kind of financial plan together, both of you should sit down and discuss your shared vision for life. Answer this question: What are your hopes and dreams for your future — as individuals and as a couple? Write your answers separately and then discuss them.
Set financial goals together
I’m a firm believer in setting goals because it has the power to change the trajectory of life. So once you’ve discussed your vision for the future, it’s time to start talking about the specific goals you can set to help accomplish your dreams. Break down your goals into manageable chunks that are realistic and trackable. Don’t just agree that you want to do a better job saving money; agree on a specific goal with a specific time frame. Consider something as precise as, “We want to save $500 during the next two months.”
This kind of goal will help you as a couple by providing purpose, momentum and accountability. As you’re working with your husband or wife to determine what financial goal you can reasonably set, consider where you want to be financially a year from now. What about five years from now? Are you aiming to get out of debt or save for a particular life season, item or vacation? Do you have an emergency fund in place? Brainstorm these questions together. Remember: The key to success in minimizing stress and accomplishing your goals is to set the goals together. Work as a team.
Create a written budget that works
Once you have a shared financial vision and have set goals as a team, move on to create a budget that will work. If you want your budget to be successful, it will need to be one that you both agree on and can commit to. When you sit down together to discuss your budget, come to the meeting with an open mind.
It’s never productive for a husband or wife to have everything already mapped out and then show up to the conversation with the intent of badgering his or her spouse into signing off on the plan. Start the conversation with your spouse by answering the following questions: What is our combined monthly income? What is our total monthly spending? Are there areas we can cut to pay down debt more quickly? Are there areas in which we can save more money? After we have paid the bills each month and have conquered our debt, where does our extra income need to go?
Discuss the ins and outs of the family budget. Honestly evaluate the lifestyle implications of your new financial plan, clarifying the choices and sacrifices you’re each willing to make to accomplish your goals. To set up your family for financial success, you’ll need to work out the nitty-gritty details, express your concerns and articulate your hesitations right from the start.
Be sure you have written your budget down have stored it in a safe place. Writing your budget gives you accountability and helps to maintain the spending limits you have agreed to set for yourselves. If you don’t write it down, you will be unlikely to stick to the budget you discussed. Also, keep in mind that you will probably need to tweak your budget fairly significantly during the first few months of implementation as you figure out what works best. A good budget is one that will serve you and not become a master to strangle you.
Communicate openly and honestly
If you don’t communicate with your spouse, your shared vision and financial goals will ultimately fail. It’s important that you check in with each other regularly. I heartily encourage couples to have monthly budget accountability meetings. During these meetings you can honestly discuss your financial situation, revise the written budget, talk about financial issues that may have arisen, and review your overall goals and objectives.
These meetings must be a mutual discussion between a husband and wife. The conversation needs to be a give-and-take debate in which one spouse is not forcing his or her opinion upon the other. Come to these meetings with a spirit of honesty, transparency and forgiveness. If you are not honest with your husband or wife about your concerns, this could lead to bitterness toward your spouse when the financial plan does not turn out as you had originally hoped.
Change your attitude
When you change your attitude, you can change your life. This is true because your attitude affects every area of your life. A can-do, committed, cheerful attitude will always take you further than a complaining, defeatist attitude. If you have the attitude that your financial plan or goals will fail, then they most likely will. If you have an attitude of motivation and dedication, there’s no limit to how far you can go when you work together to accomplish your goals and financial plans.
Your attitude toward your spouse plays a huge role, too. If you have a spirit of forgiveness toward your husband or wife, it is much more likely you’ll have unity in your marriage and finances. When you extend grace to your spouse in times of difficulty or frustration, the unity you experience will propel you forward to continue being wise stewards of your money.
Learn to compromise
When it comes to marriage, especially in regard to your finances, compromise can be your best friend. You and your spouse are probably very different people — after all, opposites do attract — so it’s important that you learn to appreciate each other’s strengths and discuss each other’s differences.
You will never agree on everything, and because of this, compromise is absolutely essential. A strong and healthy relationship requires give and take, with both parties willingly giving up what he or she wants for the other’s good. Compromise means finding a solution that works for both of you.
One common hurdle I see couples face is the spender-saver dilemma. One person in the relationship is the spender who enjoys spending money and buying things, while the other person is the saver who wants to pinch pennies and never spend a dime. This is the case in my marriage. But my husband and I have found a beautiful compromise for this dilemma — we have established an agreed-upon “blow category” as a line item in our budget. We each get an allotted amount of money that we can spend on whatever we’d like, whenever we’d like. My husband (the natural spender) has the freedom to spend some money each month, and I (the natural saver) have the assurance that we have accounted for this money within the confines of our budget.
This arrangement has worked well for us, and I’m certain it has prevented many unnecessary arguments over money. Both a healthy marriage and savvy money management will require teamwork, planning and dedication. If you put these six strategies into practice, you just might see encouraging results in your marriage as well as in your finances.
When you get on the same team financially, you will create a sense of peace in your marriage and in many other areas. This in turn will equip you to enjoy life together, experience a closer relationship and be happier as a couple.
