Almost every week, I receive an e-mail from a woman from somewhere across the country who — though they have tried to keep a pure marriage — has seen their marriage shaken to the core by impurity. With a note of desperation, she expresses her anguish, fear, and anger. Each of these women explains their mate’s plunge into impurity — everything from addiction to pornography to being arrested for voyeurism.
Why do they contact me for help with such heart-rending struggles? Not because I’m a professional counselor (which I’m not). Rather, because I’m a fellow struggler who, through many tears, much prayer and abundant mercy from God, has found a good and spacious place.
“He brought me out into a spacious place; he rescued me because he delighted in me.”
Psalm 18:19, NIV
Keeping a Pure Marriage Isn’t Easy
There have been moments where I didn’t think my husband Dave and I would make it. Although he had fought impurity since he was 12, his battle with sexual addiction took him places I never dreamed could be part of a Christian marriage. For me, as the firstborn daughter of an alcoholic, I was well-versed in codependency. Eventually, the near break-up of our marriage thrust us both into recovery, including extensive counseling.
Yet, priceless gifts have resulted from our battles. Sexual addiction drove me to the depths of insecurity, but also into the arms of my God—culminating in my first book. I’ve traveled extensively, speaking and hearing women’s stories. Eventually, Dave and I decided to come forward with our battles, and we started doing purity seminars.
The journey has been one that I would have never chosen for myself, but nonetheless a testimony to the redemptive power of God.
Why These Lessons?
For Dave and me, the sacredness of intimacy is without a doubt our greatest treasure—one that we’ve fought for and continue to fight for daily. In this article, you’ll find some of the lessons we’ve learned, including:
- Understanding the unique gifts that each of us bring to intimacy,
- Unveiling the counterfeits that Satan and our society propose,
- Setting boundaries that protect our marriages from Satan’s interference and
- Finding healing and hope after heartache.
“Honor marriage and guard the sacredness of sexual intimacy between wife and husband…”
Hebrews 13:4, The Message paraphrase
Here’s the great news! God has a beautiful plan for every married couple, even those of us who have suffered losses. Ready to get started? Let’s take a walk together all the way back to the Garden of Eden.
A Pure Marriage: A Look at the Garden of Eden
After God brought together the first man and woman, we find a beautiful expression of pure intimacy: “They were both naked and they felt no shame.” In other words, they had nothing to hide physically, emotionally, mentally, or spiritually. They were not embarrassed or ashamed in each other’s presence (Genesis 2:25, Amplified Bible).
Although my husband Dave and I have been married for almost 45 years, we’ve found that this kind of transparency is a lofty calling. Living in an impure world where we’re judged by our bodies and/or beauty can create insecurity. And many of us also bring losses from our past into marriage.
If that weren’t enough, even deeper questions beckon: Is it safe to be completely vulnerable with another person? Can I really trust again after I’ve been deeply hurt? How can I achieve intimacy with someone who is so fundamentally unlike me? How can I keep a pure marriage through all of that?
Unique, Yet Unashamed
In the Biblical model, uniqueness isn’t an obstacle to intimacy. In fact, a look at the Hebrew words used in the creation account reveals much about the unique gifts Adam and Eve brought to intimacy.
His Gift
“The Lord God formed [yatsar] man …” (Genesis 2:7). The word yatsar means forming by plan or design, like a potter. Just as a pot usually has a singular purpose, God gifted man with a purity of focus that helps him initiate, protect and provide – physically, spiritually, and sexually.
Her Gift
“Then the Lord God made [banah] a woman from the rib …” (Genesis 2:22). Banah was sometimes used to describe constructing a palace. God fashioned woman with an emotional, physical, sexual, and relational complexity that allows her to nurture deep connections.
The good news for us is that intimacy thrives on differences! By refusing to hide from each other and God, and through honoring our differences, we bring each other exceptional gifts.
Imperfect, Yet Intimate
Although Adam and Eve lived in the perfect surroundings of the garden, they were still human.
Their walk together would soon be ambushed by sin and heartbreak. Yet afterwards, we see God ministering to them together, covering them with animal skins after they were cast out of the garden (Genesis 3:21).
And, after the tragedy of Cain and Abel, God granted them another son through their union (Genesis 4:25). Biblical intimacy can be a haven in times of darkness, pointing us to God’s redemption.
Just as God extended mercy to Adam and Eve in their personal tragedy, intimacy allows us to reflect to each other a godly acceptance in our most sensitive questions:
My mate wonders… | I can reflect God’s grace… |
| Are my accomplishments meaningful? | “…your labor in the Lord is not in vain.” 1 Corinthians 15:58 |
| Do my struggles with anxiety and/or depression mean that I’m bad? | “…he will quiet you with his love….” Zephaniah 3:17 |
| Does anyone understand how I feel? | “For we do not have a high priest who is unable to sympathize with our weaknesses …” Hebrews 4:15 |
| How should I view this health challenge? | “My health may fail …, but God remains the strength of my heart.” Psalm 73:26 (NLT) |
Sexuality That is a Sanctuary
The Hebrew word “yada” points us to another dimension of intimacy. The Bible tells us that Adam knew (yada) Eve (Genesis 4:1 KJV). Exodus 33:13 says, “… teach me your ways, so that I may know (yada) you and continue to find favor with you.” Our sexual intimacy with each other reflects an even greater drive – to understand our acceptance by God himself.
In a world that flashes impossible and impure standards before us day and night, accepting each other isn’t optional – it’s our lifeline. And it takes moving past our fears:
- He won’t accept me if he knows this about me. (Read Romans 15:7.)
- She won’t forgive me if she knows that about me. (Read Psalm 51:6.)
- He can’t love this part of me. (Read 1 Corinthians 13:6.)
- She won’t respect this part of me. (Read Romans 12:10.)
By forging an intimacy that embraces our differences and imperfections, Dave and I have developed a deeper confidence in each other and in God. But we’ve also learned the importance of refusing a false or counterfeit intimacy.
Pure Marriages and False Intimacy
Why is this fruit of false intimacy so enticing?
It was 6 p.m., and the phone was ringing. We were less than two years into marriage, but I was well into pregnancy with our first child. When I answered, my husband Dave was on the phone. With a sheepish tone of voice, he explained that he had stopped by an adult bookstore on the way home after work. After his rendezvous with pornography, he came out to find his car towed. Wanting to be gracious, I expressed hurt but also reminded Dave that God’s discipline surely meant he was a son of God.
This was just the beginning of a saga that would span 20 years of our marriage, including our years in full-time ministry. There would be periods of freedom, and seasons where we kept a pure marriage, but then Dave would fall again. I would express disappointment, but then, fearing abandonment, would seek to quickly “restore” him, often by giving myself sexually.
Eventually, the falls began to increase. Well-meaning brothers did everything from reading Dave Scripture on repentance to threatening church discipline. Little did we know that we were both caught in a web first spun in the Garden of Eden.
Back to the Garden
Earlier, we talked about how true intimacy involves knowing and being known in all your imperfection. For a married couple, romance and sexuality help create this safety and unity. In contrast, false intimacy idolizes sex and romance as being the supreme goal. Instead of thriving in real life (including heartache and loss), this false intimacy depends largely upon fantasy.
Here’s the bottom line: False intimacy is based on an illusion woven by the father of lies himself. This illusion boldly states that certain actions or thoughts, explicitly forbidden by God, hold great power to give us satisfaction, fulfillment, control, or relief from emotional pain.
The Temptations of False Intimacy
I’ve found that the temptations that come with false intimacy mirror Eve’s temptation in the garden in Genesis 3. The road to false intimacy includes:
| Satan’s Whisper | Allure of False Intimacy | False Promise |
| Did God really say? | One bite promises the knowledge/ experience that you need. | One look won’t hurt anyone. |
| Your eyes will be opened. | All of your fantasies about romance, love, and sex will be fulfilled. | You’ll have what you want without suffering, pain, or hardship. |
| You will be like God. | You’ll feel powerful and worthwhile. | You’ll share unlimited passion with others. |
| You won’t surely die. | You will feel more engaged with your sensuality – more of a man/woman. | You won’t have the consequences that God promised. |
It would be easy to assume that, since God wholeheartedly endorses a beautiful freedom and holy passion in marriage (just read the Song of Solomon!), we are largely exempt from these temptations. But remember that Satan’s goal is not just to lead our bodies away from God and each other, but also our minds. And he can do that both outside and inside of our bedrooms.
The Best Defense From False Intimacy
Dave and I have learned that our best defense is understanding what Satan seeks to steal from us through false intimacy and then setting hedges of protection around our marriage.
| Temptation | Steals From Us |
| Secretly seeking comfort from life’s pain through chat rooms, Internet pornography, masturbation, etc. | Finding complete comfort in God and my mate. Walking in the light together. |
| Escaping from emotional disconnection through romance novels, movies and television. | The emotional energy needed to engage the ups and downs of real-life intimacy. |
| Creating “better sex” through pornography, x-rated videos or imagining sex with someone else. | The process of communicating, listening and learning to respond to our sexual differences. |
| Bartering sex for favors or demanding sex as reward. Pressuring a mate to go beyond their conscience. | The ability to set and honor boundaries. Respect for myself and for my spouse. |
Satan whispers that false intimacy is okay because it feels good or pleases our mate. But, the more we spend our intimacy reserves on false intimacy, the less we have to spend on real intimacy. From the starting place of false intimacy, Satan has led many a couple into emotional affairs, adultery or other dark places they never imagined.
Keeping a Pure Marriage Through Boundaries
Through counseling, recovery groups/literature and immersing ourselves in the Bible, I’m grateful to say that Dave and I have learned to replace false intimacy with biblical intimacy in our marriage. In fact, now we can say that the greatest treasure in our marriage is our intimacy. (Amen!)
One of the most important skills we needed to learn in this process was setting healthy boundaries.
What is a Boundary?
In marriage, think of a boundary as a limit we set that protects the sacredness of our marriage – keeping us far from anything that could hurt our relationship. Certainly, God’s plan for sexual purity has always included boundaries. As Solomon said of the wayward woman, “Keep a path far from her, do not go near the door of her house…” (Proverbs 5:8).
“Satan got Eve to doubt God by first getting her to doubt herself. ‘Eve, my dear, perhaps you misunderstood. Because I can assure you, you won’t die.’”
Secure in Heart, by Robin weidner, p. 151
Satan Attacks Boundaries
We shouldn’t be surprised then that Satan’s very first attack on Adam and Eve came in the form of an all-out assault on the only boundary God had set. “Did God really say, ‘You must not eat from any tree in the garden?’” (Genesis 3:1).
One thing is for sure, Satan’s enticing lies then sound eerily familiar to the way he attacks today:
- Did God really say? Who says this is wrong? How could it be wrong when it looks and feels so good?
- What are God’s motives? Is God withholding from you? Does God want you to miss out on knowledge? Pleasure?
Often Satan seeks to desensitize us to the harmfulness of impurity by taking us there one small boundary break at a time. The truth is that God’s boundaries are evidence of His goodness and His desire to protect us from painful consequences. And, if you look at the many Scriptures that set sexual boundaries in context, you’ll find that they are wrapped in love:
| Boundary | God’s Love |
| No coarse joking, not a hint of sexual immorality (Ephesians 5:3). | “Be imitators of God, therefore, as dearly loved children and live a life of love…” (Ephesians 5:1-2). |
| Treat younger men as brothers and younger women as sisters, with absolute purity (1 Timothy 5:1-2). | “Watch your life and your doctrine closely … save both yourself and your hearers” (1 Timothy 4:16). |
| Keep the marriage bed pure (Hebrews 13:4). | “Keep on loving each other as brothers” (Hebrews 13:1). |
| Learn to control your body in a way that is holy and honorable (1 Thessalonians 4:4). | “May the Lord make your love increase and overflow for each other …” (1 Thessalonians 3:12). |
Setting Boundaries
Dave and I have come to see boundaries as our best friends—calling us to the highest expression of our love. Our boundaries include:
- Not a hint of immorality. Neither of us is alone with someone of the opposite sex without advance permission from the other. We refrain from movies, books, or magazines with full or partial nudity or sexual innuendo.
- Absolute purity. Dave confesses sexual temptation early. I make it safe to have the discussion.
- Keeping the marriage bed pure. We focus solely on each other through eye contact and open communication.
- Walking in the light. We’ve agreed not to initiate or receive lovemaking if there is unconfessed sexual sin or broken boundaries; we first confess and repair the rift.
Establishing good boundaries will not only help protect your marriage, but it will also create a refuge where you can taste the glorious freedom of being naked and unashamed (Genesis 2:25).
