One of my favorite memories is of my husband singing over my daughter while she was still in my womb. I liken it to God singing over His first children, Adam and Eve, as He brought them to life. And, just as my daughter Bekah quieted when Dave sang over her right after she was born, I’m convinced Adam and Eve immediately recognized the comfort of God’s voice even before they learned how to deal with the shame their sin would bring into their marriage.
This beautiful picture of God’s love is also reflected in Adam and Eve’s intimacy with one another. Their relationship with each other and with God was completely pure. Impurity was a foreign concept.
But all it took to bring complete upheaval of Adam and Eve’s security was one breach of their Father’s will. After Satan attacked their purity before God, it seemed they had lost their voices, and they were afraid to listen to God’s voice. Instead, they hid in the bushes, ashamed and afraid.
So the Bible tells us that, grasping for anything to protect themselves, they sewed together fig leaves to make coverings for their bodies and their souls. When their Father came to walk with them, they were quaking in the bushes.
“With his love, he will calm all your fears. He will rejoice over you with joyful songs. I will gather you who mourn for the appointed festivals; you will be disgraced no more.”
Zephaniah 3:17-18 (New Living Translation)
Running for Cover Instead of Dealing With Shame
I remember vividly the first time as a Christian that I intentionally hid from God and others. It was during our engagement. Alone together in the apartment where Dave was living, we touched in ways I knew God reserved for marriage. After we parted, I wept, devastated at dishonoring God.
That night, at a church fellowship, I made a run for the bushes. Instead of finding someone safe to talk to, I kept quiet. Why? Pure and simple, I was insecure and deeply ashamed. “Surely we will never fall again,” I thought.
Unfortunately, that decision didn’t help me find cleansing or hope. Rather, it was the beginning of repeated struggles. And once married, a similar pattern continued with Dave’s intermittent battles with pornography—alternating between confessing, covering, and compensating—until we both decided once and for all to do whatever it took to come out of hiding. We knew we had to deal with the shame in our marriage.
Now, I realize that the impurity in our relationship tapped into existing shame from the sexual abuse I received as a child. It also pulled from experiences growing up as the firstborn daughter of an alcoholic. Like Adam and Eve, I bought into Satan’s whisper, “What will God and others think about you now?”
God is Our Safest Place When Dealing With Shame
If you or your spouse has struggled with impurity, you understand that the fear of reproach from others (in the form of disgrace, blame, or judgment) is strong. Recently, a wife whose husband just confessed a longtime habit of watching pornographic videos wrote, “I feel like if others find out, we’ll be judged.”
Why does Satan want to keep us in the bushes and prevent us from having a shame-free marriage? Certainly, one reason is that he can go to work and create a stronghold in our hearts. Hiding from God and others only escalates the shame, making us more likely to listen to Satan’s accusations and less likely to believe we can change. But when we make the commitment to learn how to deal with shame in our marriage, change can begin.
How God Helped Others Deal With Shame
But the truth is that God is the safest place to turn after impurity. God alone can guide us toward repentance while quieting the shame, fear, and disgrace of our sins. For instance, think of:
- David and Bathsheba. After adultery, murder, and one of the biggest hiding jobs of all time, God exposed their sin. Yet, after their repentance, God restored them, telling them to name their second child Solomon, which means loved by the Lord (2 Samuel 12:24-25).
- The Samaritan Woman. Not wanting to face others who might judge her for five previous husbands and her current live-in boyfriend, the Samaritan woman came to the well in the heat of the day. Jesus gently dismantled her defenses, offered her the true need of her heart, and took her from hiding out to touching an entire town! (John 4:1-26).
As someone who has spent way too much time and energy covering my weakness and not dealing with the shame in our marriage, I can tell you that living in the light is glorious. Knowing that God has removed the disgrace of the losses Dave and I have experienced makes me want to shout, “How amazing is your grace, my God!”
But let’s take this one step further. If we aren’t going to cover ourselves with the proverbial fig leaves, what will cover the shame of our sin and help us to trust God’s voice again?
“I sought the LORD, and he answered me; he delivered me from all my fears. Those who look to him are radiant; their faces are never covered with shame.”
Psalm 34:4-5
God Covers Our Shame
Most of us see Adam and Eve’s story primarily as a cautionary tale – used to warn us about the high cost of disobeying God’s word. But I’ve also come to see a beautiful redemption story.
After Adam and Eve’s disobedience and after God spells out the consequences of their sin, there lies a verse that I read right past for years. In Genesis 3:21, the Bible says, “The Lord God made garments of skin for Adam and his wife and clothed them.”
If you think about it, God could have had many responses other than this one. He could have told them, “Now you’ve done it; you’re on your own now!” Instead, we see God tenderly sacrificing one part of His creation to clothe another after their sin, no doubt pointing towards the day when Christ would cover us all.
God Heals Our Shame
It is very telling to realize that God did more than forgive Adam and Eve’s sin. By covering their nakedness, He took the first step to healing their shame. But several questions remain:
- Did God continue to fight for Adam and Eve as individuals and as a couple?
- Did Adam and Eve continue to open their hearts?
Reading on in the Bible, I see evidence for both questions being answered. I see:
- Eve’s reliance on God. Eve’s first words after the birth of Cain were, “With the help of the Lord I have brought forth a man” (Genesis 4:1).
- Adam and Eve’s parenting. Adam and Eve taught Cain and Abel to give to God from their flocks and garden (Genesis 4:3-4).
- God’s involvement with Cain. Seeking to help him avoid tragedy, God sought to help Cain face his anger and emotional pain. God wanted to reassure him that if he did what is right, he would be accepted (Genesis 4:6-7).
- God’s gift of Seth. Through this son, given after the banishment of Cain (Seth literally means granted), God granted Adam and Eve a second chance (Genesis 4:25).
God’s Got You Covered!
Fighting for a pure marriage isn’t just for those who’ve struggled with impurity; it’s for all of us. And Satan would seek to keep us hiding in shame over many different issues – whether depression, struggles with children, infertility, debilitating health problems or financial challenges. But the good news is that pure intimacy in marriage doesn’t depend on perfection. It doesn’t even depend on not sinning.
Although Adam and Eve lived out and then lost their proverbial fairy tale existence in the garden, there was still mercy, grace, and redemption to be found. And that means hope for us as well. How can we continue fighting for a pure marriage in an impure world? Here are a few suggestions:
- Build pure intimacy. Make your relationship your safest place by praying together, talking about emotional pain/anxieties, and setting good boundaries.
- Talk about your purity. Don’t be afraid to discuss such sensitive topics as false intimacy, pornography, emotional struggles, and other temptations on an ongoing basis.
- Refuse to hide your battles. Whatever struggles come, commit together to keep your relationship in the light. Have the heart to do whatever it takes (whether counseling, recovery groups, accountability partners, etc.) to fight for your purity and your relationship.
- Give each other a place to grow. Refuse to be ashamed of your battles. Support each other by engaging tough issues and reminding each other that God truly has you covered.
Find the courage to learn how to deal with the shame in your marriage, and watch how God will forgive you, heal you, and work in your life!
