I was putting the finishing touches on the sweet potatoes when I realized the Jell-O salad I’d made for dinner didn’t set. The rolls I’d made from scratch weren’t rising, and our youngest son was having a meltdown. Then my husband phoned to let me know he would be home late. My plan for a perfect evening was unraveling.
Many of us long to create the “perfect” family, but more often than not, we fall off the pedestal of our own expectations. We long for quiet, but children are naturally loud. We desire a neat home, but family life inevitably brings clutter.
Too often we set up our husband, our family and ourselves for failure. We have a fantasy picture in our mind of how our day or an event will unfold. When our expectation doesn’t play out, we find ourselves frustrated, disappointed and even angry.
Perfectionism in marriage isn’t healthy for us or our relationships. It feeds discontent. It fosters judgment. It causes us to compare our insides with other people’s outsides.
Breaking the Chain of Perfectionism
When we expect our kids to be perfect, we become a controlling mom. When we expect our husband to be perfect, we become a criticizing wife. When we expect ourselves to be perfect, we heap judgment on our failures and become our own worst enemy.
So how do we break the chains of unrealistic expectations? How do we get out from under the pressure of perfectionism in marriage? It all starts with grace.
God sees the best in us. His grace frees us from striving. It accepts. It heals. And more important, it equips us to give the gift of grace to one another.
Moving from Perfectionism to Grace
Moving from disappointment to grace requires two shifts in perspective. First, we need to shift our perspective from who we think is in control (us) to who is really in control (God). When we trust that God knows what He’s doing, we become more flexible, especially when things don’t go as we planned.
The other perspective change is this: The moment in which we find ourselves is just as important as the moment we planned to be in. We need to embrace “what is” instead of dwelling on “what could have been.” When we allow God to lead and we embrace the moments we’re given, our hearts become compassionate and flexible.
Seeing Yourself Through God’s Eyes
A grace-filled mom handles her kids’ shortcomings with love. A grace-filled wife allows her husband to make mistakes without holding his failures against him. A grace-filled woman sees herself through God’s eyes and resists the temptation to beat herself up when she falls short of perfection. By moving away from unrealistic expectations, we crawl out from under the pressure of perfectionism in marriage and family life.
Coming to grips with my unrealistic expectations of a perfect evening, I sat down with my kids to eat our imperfect meal. When my husband got home an hour later, he had dinner as we sat at the table talking together. Then we enjoyed ice cream sundaes with the kids (not a part of my original plan), and the evening was filled with laughter, love and grace.
Seeing the Best in Your Husband
Author Chrystal Evans Hurst, a self-admitted perfectionist learned that acknowledging the little things her husband does, telling him that he brings her joy, or speaking well of him strengthens their relationship and builds his confidence. Here’s her story on how she overcame unrealistic expectations of perfectionism in marriage to seeing the best of her husband:
It was my first time attending this Bible study. The group was a sprinkling of generations. Expectant moms, soccer moms and women with graying hair all greeted one another and settled in for their morning together.
Then, one by one, the women of different ages and seasons stood to celebrate their husbands, acknowledging how hard their husbands worked, expressing gratefulness for the ways their husbands helped around the house, or praising their husbands for little displays of love for their wives and families.
It appeared I was surrounded by happy women with perfect husbands. Jealousy rose in me as I wondered, Am I the only person in the room who doesn’t have a great story to share?
Making the Decision to See the Good in My Husband
Then it dawned on me: These women were making the decision to look for the good in their husbands. They were choosing to focus their thoughts on what was “excellent and praiseworthy” (Philippians 4:8). After years of being a perfectionist, that type of positive thinking didn’t come naturally to me. Instead, the high expectations I had of myself and even higher expectations I had of my husband meant I tended to view both of us in light of where we fell short, rather than focusing on what we did well.
But in choosing this perspective, I had allowed my attitude, behavior and words to slice away at the confidence my husband felt I had in him, tearing down the very thing I wanted to be building up — a solid, thriving, love-saturated marriage.
Acknowledging the Little Things in Front of Others
Something needed to change, and that day, in that Bible study, I decided to start making a different choice. Maybe these women were on to something.
So, when my turn came, I stood and chose to celebrate my husband. And you know what? After I decided to be deliberate in applauding my mate, I realized there is so much to applaud him for!
When I acknowledge the little things he does to show he cares, tell him that his presence in my life brings me joy, or speak well of him — in front of him and in front of others — these recognitions not only strengthen our relationship but also build his confidence.
Consider making a list of what you love about your husband, telling others about the love and appreciation you have for him, and most important, communicating these things to your husband! Choose to focus on the good and celebrate the man you married.
