While “dashing through the snow” could be written today as “speeding down the interstate to the mall,” both statements sound stressful to me. With the arrival of the holidays, many of us experience an odd mixture of excitement and dread as we prepare to celebrate the season and we wonder how to avoid the holiday stress that’s coming.
We get excited about the lights, shopping, and Christmas dinner with family, but we also fear the stress that past holidays have taught us to expect. From previous family misunderstandings and hurt feelings to scheduling conflicts, tight finances, and the wear and tear on the body, holidays have a way of taking their toll on us.
How to Avoid Holiday Stress: Be Prepared
I have found that the best way to lessen the stress of the holidays is to be prepared:
- Recognize stress triggers ahead of time and plan to minimize their impact. For example, realize that you will get several invitations to holiday parties, events, or service opportunities, and limit the number of events you will commit to before the invitations come.
- Create a holiday budget together. Commit to sticking to the budget no matter how great the sales are!
- Try to resolve extended family issues before holiday gatherings, if possible. Sit down and discuss the problems rather than ignore them.
- Commit to dealing with spousal conflict after the emotion has died down: “Honey, we are both tired. Let’s not try to solve this now. Let’s talk in the morning over coffee.” Use common sense and be disciplined enough to handle conflict in the right way.
- Schedule time for each other: Go to bed at a decent hour. Exercise or take a walk together. Protect your “together” time.
Most of all, remember what this time of year is all about: “But the angel said to them, “Do not be afraid. I bring you good news of great joy that will be for all the people… a savior has been born to you; he is Christ the Lord” (Luke 2:10-11, NIV).
That is a great reason to slow down, be thankful, and be at peace this Christmas season. As you prepare for your upcoming activities, we hope that this article will help you stress less and enjoy that peace more fully.
How to Avoid Holiday Stress By Discussing How To Spend The Holidays
Made your holiday plans yet? Naturally, you want to be around family and enjoy the warmth of familiar traditions. But for young couples, combining the traditions of two separate families isn’t always easy.
Both spouses’ families can sometimes place unrealistic expectations on couples and put them in awkward situations. One family may expect you to celebrate the entire Christmas holiday with them and tell you so; the other family may want the same but silently stew. You’re caught in the middle, feeling guilty that you can’t be in two places at the same time.
Let’s face it: the old saying “You can please some of the people some of the time, but you can’t please all of the people all of the time” is never truer than when it comes to where you are going to spend the holidays. When you add stepparents, siblings, and grandparents, you can become torn in so many directions that the joy of the holiday can be drained away.
You can also create your own stress by each demanding to be with your own family during the holidays. You can’t please everyone, so together, decide what’s best for the two of you.
The goal is to come up with a plan that is acceptable to both spouses so that everyone comes out as a winner.
Be Fair
A good place to begin is to discuss which holidays are important to each of you and why. Perhaps one of your families makes a big deal of Thanksgiving but Christmas is low-key. You may want to celebrate Thanksgiving with them and visit the other family for Christmas.
I’ve heard of large families who plan an annual “Christmas in July” so the entire clan can meet and celebrate the holiday together, allowing young families to celebrate Dec. 25 in their own homes. At their summer gathering, the families make Christmas cookies, wear red and green shorts and T-shirts, and open gifts.
Depending on your situation, sometimes you’ll need to compromise, choosing what seems most fair to all families. Does everyone live close enough to combine their celebrations? Will it work to alternate family gatherings?
When Dale and I were engaged, we talked extensively about this issue. We decided to go anywhere we were invited on Thanksgiving, but we’d stay home on Christmas — and anyone could join us. Once we communicated this to all the family, the pressure was off.
Other couples choose the typical rotation from one family to another. Whatever you decide, communicate your holiday plans to both extended families so everyone understands and you don’t unintentionally hurt someone’s feelings.
Be Flexible
As you make your plans, consider your vacation time, holiday travel and the stress that goes with it, your parents’ ages, family needs, the costs you’ll incur in your holiday celebration, and so on. When you have children, you’ll also want to consider their needs.
You may need to start a new tradition of limited gift giving, especially if you have a tight budget and your families have always splurged during the holidays. It’s wise to be open and honest with your parents about your constraints.
Review your options annually, and be willing to adjust your holiday plans to match your new circumstances. Making a change can be good, especially when it brings your life into balance; now may be a good time to introduce one.
Holidays should be a joyful time, so plan to make them low stress and enjoyable. Spread your visits wisely, count the costs and carefully build healthy relationships.
How To Get the Conversation Started
An exercise that will help get the conversation started toward a win/win result is to get out a sheet of paper and write down each holiday that could possibly be spent outside your family nest.
Next, list the way you would like to spend each holiday individually. This column will likely be largely based on what your family traditions were like while you were growing up. Also, list the feelings you have associated with the holiday. Finally, you will have to compromise with lots of understanding and be willing to use positive communication techniques to decide what you will do for each holiday as a couple.
Some of the questions to consider are:
- Do you want to simplify the season?
- Go to parties and be with people?
- Stay within a limited travel budget?
- Spend the day in the comfort of your own home?
Tom and Sally’s Example
Take a look at the following sample list from a couple we’ll call Tom and Sally. It is easy to see why it led to a doozie of an argument.
This couple is an extreme case because their expectations for the holidays and diverse backgrounds were on opposite ends of the spectrum. But if they reached a resolution, so can you.
By sitting down together and discussing the holiday topic, you can avoid future arguments on the same topic and put to rest any smoldering ashes left over from the last disagreement. As you can see from the final column in our chart, each side had to give and take in order to reach a consensus.
In their discussion, they took into account that the decisions they made in the “here and now” would affect their future children and the rest of their family. So they made their decisions based on what would maintain peace, create lasting and loving memories for their own family, and be an asset to their relationship.
They also kept in mind the fact that any decision would not be set in stone but could be modified to meet their future real and felt needs, geographical location, and family situation.
Maybe the plan will get you started on how to celebrate your holidays this coming year and for many happy years to come.
A Sample Holiday Plan to Help Avoid Holiday Stress
| Holiday Celebration Worksheet / Year of _____________ | ||
| Christmas | ||
| Sally | Tom | Compromise |
| 1. Christmas Eve church services | 1. Open presents on Christmas Eve | 1. Go to services, when available, and open one gift on Christmas Eve |
| 2. Up at 6:00 a.m. to read Christmas story from the Bible | 2. Sleep in late and wear pajamas most of the day | 2. Tom sleeps in, and they read the Bible story when he wakes up (by 10:00 a.m.) |
| 3. Open presents one at a time, thanking between each one | 3. Few presents (the holidays were downplayed) | 3. Three gifts, opened one at a time |
| 4. Formal dinner at Grandma’s house | 4. Pizza or whatever (maybe tacos) | 4. They realize the holiday can have the significance you give it |
| 5. Ice-skating in the afternoon | 5. Watch football games and then take a nap | 5. Football in the afternoon and caroling at night (when possible) |
| 6. Christmas caroling at night | 6. No particular traditions (Christmas is just commercialism) | |
How to Avoid Holiday Stress By Simplifying Christmas
Photo Greeting Cards
We have photos made in October, and get the savings of an early-bird discount on photo greeting cards. If you try this beginning in your first year of marriage, it will be fun to see how your family changes as the years go by. We even put together a special Christmas photo album, and it’s a wonderful place to display our annual photo greeting cards and an effective way to preserve memories.
Simplify
The reason we keep our gift-giving simple is not because we’re cheap. It’s because we want to keep the focus on the Reason for the Season. Holiday mania detracts from the coming of the Christ Child as God’s greatest gift to us.
Three Gifts
Part of the Kay Family Simplification Plan involves the number of gifts each of our children receive. This could also apply to each spouse before the kids start coming along. I’ll never forget one Christmas before we had children. Bob and I watched a little boy get so many gifts for Christmas that he got tired of opening them and quit. Sadly, he was so spoiled by his parents and grandparents that he had the mistaken notion that Christmas was all about him.
Sharing Christmas
Sometimes, the gift of time is the greatest gift of all during the holidays. There are a number of ways you and your spouse can brighten the holidays of those around you and share the season. We like to visit nursing homes and spend time with the residents, talking and sharing. If you know of an elderly relative, neighbor, or friend who rarely gets to decorate for the holidays, why not help that person put up a tree and holiday lights? Then, after the season is over, help them put the decorations away.
One of the traditions on military bases is a holiday cookie drive. Last year, we collected ten thousand dozen cookies and distributed them to the police department, the fire department, and others who worked the holiday shift. You could take a basket of goodies to your local firefighters or police officers on duty. I know they would enjoy these treats on Christmas Eve! We even bake cookies for the mail carriers and sanitation workers. We place these in easy-to-carry plastic bags and include a can of soda pop.
Mission of Joy
One final idea is to adopt a developing-country child at this time of the year and sponsor him/her year-round. A portion of the proceeds of my books goes to an organization that helps orphans in India called Mission of Joy. We also send out their brochures with every product order we receive on our Web site.
A gift is a demonstration of love from one heart to another. Calvin Miller once sent me an acrostic poem that spelled out my name. You cherish those special, personal gifts.
Chuck Swindoll, Tale of the Tardy Ox Cart
Stages of Marriage and Holiday Stress
“Whose parents will we spend Christmas Day with?” my husband asked. “Do you really need all the decorations brought down from the attic? Can’t we just put up a tree and be done?”
These were some of the common holiday stress issues and Christmas expectations that caused conflict for us in our early years of marriage.
Now, as empty nesters, the questions are a tad different, yet the holiday stress has returned to our marriage in a different way. In our more than 35 years of marriage, we’ve learned better ways to deal with our differences and frustrations, but the past few years have brought new questions—and holiday stress:
- “We can’t be two places at once, so which of the kids will we spend the holiday with?
- “What about time with our aging parents?”
- “If we give up the hosting at our house, does that mean the kids won’t come home anymore for the holidays?”
Unfortunately, the holiday season can be a time that creates feelings of dread and disconnection for couples. “Tis the Season” might mean a month of increased conflict and tension. If this rings true for you and your spouse, you’re not alone.
Holiday Stress and Marriage
Research clearly shows that when stressed, most people give others less benefit of the doubt, have decreased patience, and are quicker to react to frustrations with their spouses. As stress prevails, spouses tend to become more critical and negative with one another.
As demonstrated by Adam and Eve (Genesis, chapters 1- 3), when stress or discord arises in a relationship, our selfishness and defensiveness rise to the forefront. We often make poor decisions or, at our worst, pull away from one another. These reactions are part of our instinctive sinful nature.
Conflict and stress have a way of turning spouses away from one another at a time when they need each other the most. But you’re not doomed to simply gut through and endure the holidays. Hope and joy can be restored between you and your spouse, whether you’re a young married couple or empty nesters.
By taking a few steps before the holiday stress begins and incorporating some healthy solutions, a couple can feel more connected and create some meaningful memories.
No matter which stage your marriage is in, conflict between spouses during the holidays usually boils down to our motivations to preserve or enhance one or all of these items: time, money, or purpose. When a husband and wife differ on these issues, conflict happens. The value each spouse places on these items plays into the conflict, as well.
In my work as a licensed counselor, I’ve seen couples in all stages of marriage struggle with holiday stress. My husband and I are currently living out the empty-nester stage while our children and their spouses are in the “young married” stage.
Young Marrieds
Young marrieds are in the formative stages of setting the groundwork for their own holiday traditions and navigating the melding of two or more extended families. Possible areas of conflict and stress are:
- Their stark differences and visions of what the holidays should look like. The early years are a golden opportunity to learn more about your spouse and what made their past holidays memorable or a nightmare. (Purpose)
- A husband, wife, or both can unknowingly be rooted in “idealistic” or unrealistic thinking. This can result in not having limits or boundaries on the financial or social commitment they make during the holidays. (Time, money, purpose)
- The added commitments on your calendar from work parties, children’s school events, church ministries, and extended family gatherings. These can use all the spare time a couple would normally have to spend together, leaving them feeling depleted and disconnected. (Time, purpose)
- How to handle nuclear versus extended family time. This is often the biggest struggle for young couples. How do we create our own nuclear family traditions and also make time to celebrate extended family? The distance of extended family can add to the struggle at times. If both extended families are nearby, then the expectation may be that you’ll see both sides. That creates a busy and rushed celebration. If one is near and the other is far, then couples have to make a choice. This has its own challenges. (Time, purpose)
Empty-Nesters
It may seem that empty nesters in the latter stages of their marriage would have worked through family stress at Christmastime and have a plan in place. But for some empty nesters, it’s exactly the opposite.
The previous routines must be altered now that adult children no longer live at home and are building their own family traditions. Here are a few areas of conflict and stress for empty nesters:
- Traditions built over the last several decades may have to be changed, dropped, or may not be well-attended, hence losing their purpose and meaning. (Purpose)
- Roles change. Couples may move from being the host of the celebrations to guests in an adult child’s home. (Purpose)
- The focus of gift-giving shifts from kids to grandkids. Views on purposeful gifts for grandchildren can be a stress point. In addition, as empty nesters step into retirement, their incomes are fixed and spending may shift from being the primary source as the parent to a reduced role as the aging parent and grandparent. (Money, purpose)
- The couple may feel stressed as they decide how to spend their holiday time. Will they spend time with adult children and grandchildren or elderly parents and aging siblings? Or empty nesters may be stressed because their adult children live far apart, and they can only spend the holiday with one of their adult children. (Time, purpose)
Tips to Combat Holiday Stress
Start Talking
- Explore your spouse’s favorite and not-so-favorite memories of past holidays. This helps define what you and your spouse value.
- Clarify expectations. Ask this question: If you were looking back after the holidays, what are two action verbs you would have hoped described the holiday time? For example: connecting, experiencing, rest, praise, or something else? Clients I’ve worked with said that knowing one or two key action words helped them stay focused on what their spouse desired from the holidays and took away some of the guesswork as they made plans.
Define Boundaries and Limits
- Discuss gift-giving and set limits and budgets. Discuss gifts to each other: What is valued and expected? Our adult children have chosen to draw names and set a price limit so they can reduce their shopping times and the cost of gifts to siblings. They’ve found this helped them focus on quality over quantity. None of them needed tons of gifts, and they were all happy to reduce the gift-giving.
- Talk about time spent with others and the logistics of the calendar. Decide what are priorities and choose to let go of some events if necessary. Or you may decide that time with others is what the season is all about and prepare ways to endure the busyness of an active social calendar. Explore what routine events you can miss to incorporate the added social events.
Divide and Conquer
- Discuss the holiday tasks and divide them based on preferences. My husband dislikes shopping but enjoys gift wrapping. We’ve split these tasks, so we’re mostly doing what we prefer.
- Decorating, cooking, and preparing for guests can be a large task. Determine the value you each place on these items and then prioritize, simplify, and unify.
Set Aside Time as a Couple
- Put your marriage on the calendar!
- Designate a time for each other when you pause, connect, and truly see one another.
- Decide together if you prefer to spend alone time with your spouse in the quiet of your home or if you’d rather do something together outside your home. If your spouse prefers the opposite of you, then do both! Some couples I’ve counseled have set the date after the holidays so they’re not stressed by trying to work in another event. Just remember that designated time as a couple matters!
Implementing these steps won’t eliminate all holiday stress in your marriage. When tension begins to run high, fall back on biblical wisdom: “Be completely humble and gentle; be patient, bearing with one another in love” (Ephesians 4:2, NIV).
Young marrieds, empty nesters, or “in-betweeners” can use these steps to navigate the expectations we and others place on the holiday season.
In addition, as we listen and learn about our spouse’s desires and values, we create connection and add strength to our marriages—no matter what stage we find ourselves in. Purposeful connection can combat the added holiday stress, allowing hope and joy to ring through during the season.
