Estimated reading time: 13 minutes
In 2017, when Vice President Mike Pence said that he never spends time alone with a woman who’s not his wife, everyone was talking about the “Billy Graham Rule.” This brought up the question of if men and women can be friends, especially when one or both parties are married.
Lots of the commenters didn’t seem to like the rule. They insisted that men and women can be friends. “It’s sexist,” they said, or they argued that it was outdated to the way we live and work today. I disagree. And while my wife, Erin, and I don’t follow Dr. Graham’s “rule” to the letter, we’ve incorporated its spirit into our own lives.
I know the “Greg Smalley Guideline” doesn’t have quite the same ring as the “Billy Graham Rule.” But I hope that how Erin and I handle this really ticklish topic might help you, too.
Can Men and Women Be Friends?
When asking if men and women can be friends, and if opposite-sex friendships are okay, let’s start by checking out Hebrews 10:24-25 (NIV): “And let us consider how we may spur one another on toward love and good deeds, not giving up meeting together, as some are in the habit of doing, but encouraging one another—and all the more as you see the Day approaching,”
Here’s another, from Paul’s first letter to the Thessalonians (5:11): “Therefore encourage one another and build one another up, just as you are doing.”
God wants us to have friends. He wants us to be in relationship with one another. Our marriages need community. And I believe that can include opposite-sex friendships. But those friendships should come with some pretty important stipulations.
Can Men and Women Be Friends? There Need to Be Boundaries.
First, friendships between men and women shouldn’t be close friendships—the sort of friendships that entail a lot of one-on-one contact or where you’re sharing intimate details of your life with each other. That can get you into trouble in a hurry. Opposite-sex friendships should be casual friendships: Your time together is infrequent, and when you do see each other, you are guided by strong boundaries that you and your spouse have previously agreed to (see below).
Second—and really, this should go without saying — those friendships should be completely out in the open. No secrets. No sneaking or skulking around. If you’re hiding a relationship from your spouse, that should set off some serious alarms.
Third, not only should your spouse know, but your spouse should bless the friendship. You need to give your husband or wife a relational trump card. If they feel like the relationship is a problem, then guess what: It is. Never tell your spouse that he or she is paranoid or jealous. Don’t shut the conversation down. Talk it through. If friendship is a problem, you should end it immediately. If you can’t end it—if you and your friend have to work together—set some strong boundaries that you and your spouse agree on.
These aren’t easy conversations to have with your spouse. It’s easy to become angry, defensive, or dismissive. And trust me, I know all about how these talks can go wrong.
An Example From Our Marriage
Twice in our marriage, Erin has come to me with concerns about my friendships with female co-workers (neither of whom worked at Focus on the Family, by the way). And frankly, I responded defensively both times.
“Don’t you trust me?” I asked her. “What do you think I am, an idiot?”
I interpreted her concern as an indictment of me. She doubts my integrity, I thought. Many spouses respond in a similarly defensive way. They either take the concerns personally or place all the blame on the other person, calling him or her jealous, controlling, or paranoid. All that insecurity, blame, and defensiveness leads to even more relational disconnect and often to a full-blown fight—just like it did for Erin and me. And that only reinforced Erin’s concern and fear.
If your spouse raises concerns, you might think about it this way: You can be a great driver, but it still doesn’t hurt to have a car with antilock brakes. You can be a talented woodworker, but you should still wear safety glasses when you’re working with a lathe. And it’s the same with opposite-sex friendships—safety first. Erin needed some extra assurance that I dismissed in that moment.
Eventually, we were able to sit down and really talk about the issue. I put aside my defensiveness and was able to sincerely hear what Erin was telling me and we were able to establish healthy boundaries in our marriage. From that conversation, I was able to talk about having some good, strong boundaries with women at work.
Can Men and Women Be Friends? Here are Some Guidelines.
I’ve mentioned the word “boundaries” a couple of times already. Just what exactly do those boundaries look like in opposite-sex friendships? Consider the following:
1. Make Your Relationship With Your Spouse Your Priority
No relationship—even the one you share with your husband or wife—can be your “everything.” No one person can fill every relational need. But tending to the friendship you have with your spouse should take precedence over every other relationship you have outside the family.
2. Cultivate and Maintain Your Same-Sex Friendships
Those should make up your closest, most rewarding friendships.
3. Build Shared Social Networks With Your Spouse
Invite your opposite-sex friend to dinner, along with his or her spouse or a guest. Go to baseball games together. Instead of nurturing a friendship with a woman or man outside of your marriage, it is better to befriend a couple, where you can all get together to share life and companionship.
4. Be Careful About Your Interactions
Don’t take an opposite-sex work colleague out to lunch alone, and never take a business trip with only him or her if you can help it. If you can’t avoid those situations, build some strong boundaries. If you’re interacting with an opposite-sex friend or colleague online, make sure there’s a legitimate reason for the communication.
To be blunt, I don’t think you have any business “casually” texting the opposite sex. If I’m trying to banter or joke, I always make it a point to include others and make it a group text. That’s just being safe.
5. Take Honest Stock of Yourself
Be aware of your own weaknesses and vulnerabilities, and heed warning signs that this friendship might be veering into dangerous waters. For instance, do you ever fantasize about your “friend”? Are you exchanging highly personal information with him or her? Are you hiding the relationship in some way—deleting texts so your spouse won’t see them?
6. Set Guidelines for How You Should Behave Around Members of the Opposite Sex
Ask these questions:
- How do you feel about opposite-sex friendships in our marriage? How might they be appropriate and helpful? What would make them inappropriate?
- How do you feel about opposite-sex relationships at work? How might these be different from outside-of-work friendships?
- When interacting with the opposite sex, what are your expectations for me (i.e., off-limit places, inappropriate topics, how often I spend time with that person, etc.)? What are your expectations with opposite-sex work relationships?
- What rules do you feel are important to have in an opposite-sex friendship? At work? Outside of work?
The spirit behind these guidelines is important, and you should incorporate that spirit into your marriage when deciding if men and women can be friends. No friendship—new or old—is worth damaging your relationship with your spouse.
One Woman’s Response to Former Vice President Pence’s Commitment to Follow the Billy Graham Rule
Social media recently exploded over the resurgence of a 2002 article concerning the stance that Mike Pence chose to take in his marriage. At the time of that writing, Pence and his wife, Karen, admitted to following a principle similar to the “Billy Graham Rule” in which Dr. Graham acknowledged his commitment to never eat alone with another woman or attend an event where alcohol is being served. And with that revelation, people began slamming Vice President Pence for living out his personal convictions.
I’ve noticed that in many of the articles I’ve read concerning Vice President Pence’s declaration, individuals have expressed concern about how this perspective could devalue women, portray women as sexual objects, or keep them from advancing professionally.
Amid the condemnation and judgment that exploded across our country, it would seem that few people took the time to really understand the meaning, motive, or impact of the Pences’ stance regarding their marriage. Maybe, just maybe, we can all learn something from them. We may even begin to see some benefit in honoring marriage as an institution at the same time we commit to taking a stand for our personal marital convictions.
How Can the Billy Graham Rule Be Beneficial to Marriage?
Guidelines Help Us To Fulfill the Mandate To Honor Marriage
Hebrews 13:4 (NIV) says, “Marriage should be honored by all, and the marriage bed kept pure, for God will judge the adulterer and all the sexually immoral.” The directive in this verse is clear — honor marriage, including your own. Value marriage. Make your marriage a priority.
As married couples, our behavior should be an indicator of what we value. Therefore, it should be apparent to others that we value our marriage on a personal level and value the covenant of marriage on a general level. I believe we can do this best by choosing to behave in ways that would not leave others—even bystanders—wondering if we are truly committed to our marriage relationship.
Consider how you would feel if you saw your neighbor out to lunch with a female friend and they were laughing, giggling, maybe even flirting. Would it make you wonder how his wife would feel if she walked upon this scenario? If this were my husband, I know I would struggle with what I was seeing. So the question comes down to this: Would this kind of interaction with someone of the opposite sex benefit my neighbor’s marriage or create a moment of doubt for his wife? Would my neighbor ultimately be honoring his marriage? With an example like this in mind, I can see the value of establishing boundaries in marriage, especially with friendships between men and women.
Personally, I want to be very careful with what I say and what I do in order to honor my marriage. I want others to see through my words and deeds that marriage is not only a good thing — it’s a great thing!
Guidelines in a Marriage Relationship Are Not Uncommon
Most marriages, Christian or not, typically have some sort of agreed upon code of conduct. Married couples intuitively understand that if one spouse chooses to behave in a manner that brings only individual satisfaction in the marriage, the behavior will obviously have a negative impact on the relationship. Therefore, whether or not it involves a formal discussion, many couples have some sort of code of conduct or accepted set of guidelines that they have agreed to. Your boundaries may not look identical to those of Vice President Pence or Dr. Billy Graham, but you probably understand acceptable limits.
A lot of married couples will tell you that marriage is the most wonderful thing they’ve ever experienced, as well as one of the most difficult things they’ve ever experienced. With that in mind, it’s understandable why having clear expectations of appropriate behavior is helpful to both a husband and a wife, especially when their relationship needs to be guarded during seasons of difficulty.
The Smalley Rule
My husband, Greg, and I have had our own set of guidelines that we have followed for the past 25 years. Although our boundaries may not be quite the same as the “Billy Graham Rule,” we’ve committed to what we could call our own “Smalley Rule.”
Greg and I consistently guard our marriage by setting boundaries around how we interact with other men and women. We’ve committed to the following guidelines:
- Never be in our home alone with a friend of the opposite sex.
- Don’t socialize alone with a member of the opposite sex.
- Don’t travel alone with someone of the opposite sex.
We’ve worked to more clearly understand what it means to honor each other’s privacy at the same time we battle against secrecy. Because this has been a work in progress for us, Greg and I have also agreed that if an awkward situation comes up, we will have open discussions in order to arrive at a mutually agreed upon solution.
Guidelines Create Emotional Safety in Marriage
As my husband honors our shared code of conduct, I feel enormously valued and cherished. Greg honors me as his wife, his beloved, by adhering to our mutually agreed upon boundaries. I would assume that Karen Pence feels the same way I do—as did Ruth Graham—comforted by knowing that her husband cares enough about her to take a stance to protect their marriage. Regardless of what the world and social media might be spewing about Vice President Pence, he has proven his commitment to his wife.
I can’t stress enough how important it is for your marriage that you have a conversation with your husband or wife to discuss interactions with members of the opposite sex. If you’ve never discussed the desired boundaries or guidelines you both wish to have in your marriage, it would seem that in the wake of people reacting to the Billy Graham Rule, now might be a great time to do just that. I encourage you to pause and evaluate your own marital convictions in order to cultivate the greatest level of safety in your marriage.
Examples of Boundaries for Friendships Between Men and Women
Why not put boundaries in place so in your own moments of weakness or temptation you already have a guardrail of protection in place? Consider a few of the following guardrail examples:
- Leave the door open when one of you is meeting with a person of the opposite sex.
- Be sure there is a window in your office so your interactions with other people are visible.
- When you’re talking with someone of the opposite sex, steer away from conversations about frustrations you may be having with your spouse.
- Be aware of your own feelings or secret desires when a member of the opposite sex walks into the room.
Very few people would admit to having been involved in the intentional pursuit of an extramarital affair. But many confess to feeling a connection with someone of the opposite sex, and then the relationship just gradually began to form. While they thought that men and women could be “just friends,” things went past boundaries. The potential destruction an extramarital affair can have on a family is immense. I am not saying that every interaction with the opposite sex is an affair waiting to happen or even a sexual temptation. However, having boundaries around all your interactions will help you avoid dangerous attractions and leadto safety when it’s needed.
What Are Some of the Benefits of Protecting Your Marriage?
Regardless of how you feel about the Billy Graham Rule, its intent to protect a husband and wife, and whether men and women can be friends, research has consistently shown that marriage is worth protecting from harm or destruction. I believe that God created marriage, (“God, not you, made marriage” Malachi 2:15, The Message paraphrase). But even if you try to take God out of the discussion, marriage has still proven to be an emotionally, physically and financially beneficial institution for adults, children and all of society.
Beyond the social impact of marriage, it is simply an amazing experience. There are so many benefits to having someone stand by you during both the challenges and the joys of life. I have found that there is nothing like having your best friend to fall asleep with and wake up beside. It’s a beautiful thing to know and be known.
Because each one of us chooses to be proactive in different areas of life (health, fitness, finances, etc.), I wonder why married couples would not be proactive in building a healthy marriage? Both husbands and wives should protect the amazing gift of marriage in their lives, so even if you don’t want to follow the extent of the Billy Graham Rule, why not discuss how you and your spouse plan on protecting your marriage?
