“What is wrong with my body?” Meghann asked herself and God the same question as the pain of infertility increased with each passing month. Why couldn’t she do the one thing that a woman’s body is supposed to do? Surrounded by pregnant friends and often the recipient of baby announcements, she felt happy for others but very alone in coping with infertility.
Celebrating the expanding families of her peers, Meghann signed up to help with meals when women in her church welcomed their babies. The topic of infertility is not a typical girlfriend conversation, so she joined a local support group. Yet her feelings of inferiority and sadness only grew. She attempted to hide her disappointment, but the pain of infertility didn’t go away.
Pressures can mount, and questions develop when a couple decides to have a baby. If you’re a parent, you may have asked: How can we afford daycare? Is our insurance adequate to cover the costs of the delivery? Do we need a bigger house? Where should we send our child to school?
However, if you’ve discovered that infertility is part of your story, the pressure to conceive can be even greater as another set of questions emerge: Does God hear me when I pray? What other options are there for a couple who can’t conceive? When is it time to give up, and when should we look for other alternatives?
We don’t take your questions lightly. Here at Focus on the Family, we’re sensitive to the pain you may be experiencing because you haven’t become a parent like you hoped. That’s why this article is designed to help you navigate your way through infertility and relieve some of the pressure.
The Pain of Coping With Infertility
Our bodies and our reproductive systems are intricately designed. “For you formed my inward parts; you knitted me together in my mother’s womb. I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Wonderful are your works; my soul knows it very well,” says Psalm 139:13-14. We know how our bodies are supposed to function, which amplifies the pain of infertility when a much-anticipated baby is seemingly withheld.
When infertility rules a woman’s life, as Meghann understood first-hand, the downward spiral begins. Every day, experiences become painful reminders. A trip to the grocery store can bring her to tears as her eyes turn toward women with swollen bellies or mothers with toddlers strapped in carts. She stays home from church on Mother’s Day, and she cringes when she receives another baby shower invitation.
Causes and Treatments of Infertility
Infertility is commonly defined as the inability to conceive after at least a year of unprotected sex or the inability to carry a pregnancy to a live birth. Infertility is not the same thing as sterility. According to MSNBC, one-third of infertile couples who seek treatment are able to have children.
According to the American Society of Reproductive Medicine:
- Infertility affects about 7.3 million people in the United States, which is roughly 15 percent of the reproductive-age population.
- For half of those couples experiencing infertility, says Johns Hopkins Medicine, the male is the sole cause or a contributor to the diagnosis.
- About 33 percent of infertility cases can be attributed to male factors, 33 percent to female factors, and one-third to a combination of problems in both partners or unexplained causes.
- Most infertility cases (85 to 90 percent) are treated with conventional medical therapies such as drugs or surgery.
- In vitro fertilization and similar treatments account for less than 3 percent of infertility services performed in the United States.
Causes of Infertility
There is no “typical” infertility patient, and the causes of infertility vary widely. According to the American Society of Reproductive Medicine, there are several common reasons why couples may find it difficult to conceive.
Men:
- Azoospermia: No sperm cells being produced
- Oligospermia: Too few sperm cells being produced
- Adequate quantity of sperm cells produced, but with defects
Women:
- Ovulation disorder
- Blocked fallopian tubes
- Birth defects involving uterine structure
- Poly Cystic Ovarian Syndrome. PCOS is a fairly complex glandular disorder that is becoming widely recognized. According to the International Council on Infertility Information Dissemination, PCOS affects between 5 to 10 percent of all women and is a leading cause of infertility.
Age also plays a significant role in a woman’s ability to conceive. According to MSNBC, female fertility starts to decline in the late 20s. While a 30-year-old woman has a 20 percent chance of pregnancy, the probability decreases by 3-5 percent per year. By age 40, a woman’s probability of achieving pregnancy drops to 5 percent.
Infertility Treatment
The vast majority of infertility cases are treated with drugs or by surgically repairing the reproductive organs. In vitro fertilization (eggs are fertilized outside of the body and then placed directly into a woman’s uterus) is the method of treatment in a small percentage of cases. Other couples choose adoption when they are unable to conceive.
Although the causes of and treatments for infertility are primarily physical, infertility is not simply a matter of biology. For many couples, experiencing infertility is a life crisis that evokes emotions similar to those associated with miscarriage or the loss of a child by other means. Often, the pain of not being able to have a child is compounded by a sense of failure and inadequacy.
Grief and Coping With Infertility
As we entered the one-room country church, my dad reached to steady my mom. The explosion of color, the thick scent of lilies, and the face of my grandfather in a bronze casket had knocked her off balance.
At 9 years old, I was too young to fully understand what was happening, but I could feel my mom’s anguish. The closer we got to the casket, the more violently she wept. Her legs faltered under the weight of her grief. There was nothing I could do to ease the pain.
Nearly 20 years passed before I again encountered such physically intense grief from a loved one. This time, the deep pain came as my wife explained through tortured sobs over the phone that a medical lab had confirmed that we were unable to have children. Once again, I could do nothing. I remember thinking, It feels like someone died.
Grief is a real part of coping with infertility. It may be heightened in miscarriages or stillbirths, but it is just as real when a couple cannot conceive. The sorrow we experienced the day we received our lab results was as deep as the grief we would have felt if she had called to tell me her parents had passed away.
Scripture confirms the close connection between the two losses. Proverbs 30:15-16 tells us the grave and the barren woman are two things that are never satisfied. The sense of loss from infertility will frequently resurface whenever life situations—such as a menstrual cycle or the birth of a child to another couple—trigger painful feelings of the opportunities lost.
How to Cope With Infertility
Trying to get pregnant can be an emotional roller coaster—especially when you’re struggling with infertility. Not getting pregnant when you really want to can cause depression, anxiety, and grief.
We must not be afraid to grieve and allow these responses to run their course. We should, however, guard against allowing our heartache to slide into despair.
Grief is complex and usually accompanied by a myriad of other emotions. Because of its intricacy, grief can take considerable time to work through. The “normal” length of mourning, however, is difficult to define. While the ride can be an emotionally difficult one, there are some ways to make it a little easier.
1. Acknowledge Your Emotions
The feelings of grief, despair, envy, and failure are real, even if you’re grieving for a baby you’ve never conceived. The desire to have a child can become overwhelming for any couple, including those who have had children previously. Don’t ignore your emotions or avoid dealing with them because you feel like you’re somehow responsible for being infertile. A healthy life—and a healthy pregnancy—start with a healthy outlook. Be realistic about what you’re feeling. That’s the first step to coping with infertility.
2. Recognize Grief as a Process and Identify Where You Are in It.
C.S. Lewis once wrote, “Sorrow … turns out to be not a state but a process.” The key is to keep moving forward. When stymied by sorrow, we risked slipping into despair.
We see evidence of this in the life of Hannah (1 Samuel 1:7-11). Because of her infertility, Hannah plunged into a state of hopelessness that lasted for years. Finally, she cried out to the Lord and found new hope. It is critical to make choices that keep us from getting permanently bogged down in mourning.
3. Seek a Support Network
No matter how alone you feel, you really aren’t. Fifteen percent of reproductive-age couples struggle with infertility. Through online and local support groups, you can meet others who have had the same emotional struggles you’re experiencing and benefit from their wisdom gained from living through the ordeal. As an added bonus, most infertility support organizations offer resources to help you decide whether infertility treatments are right for you and, if so, what kind would suit your budget and fit your emotional and ethical boundaries.
4. Deal With Your Depression
Nearly all infertile couples eventually become depressed. Studies show that untreated depression and stress can cause lower fertility rates, even in women undergoing fertility treatment. So rejuvenate with a relaxing soak in the tub, listen to your favorite music, or spend some time enjoying nature—whatever helps you to get the most out of life. Reducing your stress and feelings of despair can give you some hope. If you still struggle with depressive feelings, consult a professional therapist.
5. Make Wise Choices
The pressure to conceive can make it difficult to determine the right path in pregnancy planning. Carefully consider the decisions you can live with. While the advances in science have made it possible for more than 80 percent of infertile couples to become pregnant, many of those options lead down roads filled with ethical dilemmas. Weigh in with your religious and moral considerations before you make a decision. If possible, seek the counsel of someone whose opinion you respect as you contemplate the ethical issues. Conceiving a child—no matter how it takes place—is just the beginning of a lifetime commitment to making the best possible decisions for the welfare of your family.
6. Focus on the Right Things.
Growing up, I was a track sprinter. I learned to focus on what was in front of me and ignore the runners in the lanes next to me and behind me. To win, I needed to fix my eyes on the finish line. Grief can also be navigated more successfully by keeping focused on the right things: Jesus and the race He has for us to run.
7. Have A Full Life
Physical barrenness is beyond our control, but my wife and I can take steps to ensure we don’t suffer from spiritual barrenness. By focusing on God, we can enjoy a life that is neither “barren nor unfruitful in the knowledge of our Lord Jesus Christ” (2 Peter 1:8, KJV).
Even though we’ve been blessed with two wonderful adopted children, we still experience feelings of loss and the sense that we’re missing out on something. But ultimately, we realize God is on the throne, and we have decided to focus on Him rather than our grief.
Giving Support to Those Coping With Infertility
How To Be Supportive As a Husband
Five years ago, my wife and I embarked on what would prove to be the struggle of our lives. We wanted to start a family but were unprepared for the challenges that infertility would pose. Every step of the way was a marital, spiritual, and ethical challenge.
As treatments became more invasive and expensive, our emotions and marriage began to fray under the stress of coping with infertility. What could a husband do to keep his marriage going during a season of infertility? Here’s what I learned:
1. Protect Her.
After struggling to answer prying questions, we agreed upon a few stock answers about when we were going to have children. “All in God’s time” was a favorite. And rather than giving in to the desperation that comes from working against the biological clock, I constantly reminded my wife that I loved her—no matter what. I assured her that we had worth even if we were not parents.
2. Take Care of Control Issues.
Coping with infertility brought a profound sense of powerlessness to our lives. I found it easy to retreat to places where I had more control, namely my career. Then, my wife landed in the hospital for a week because of the severe side effects of one treatment. While sitting with her, I realized that control was an illusion. I could, however, place my trust in the One who was in control. Understanding this truth gave me the strength to fully engage with, rather than retreat from, our struggles with infertility. I started taking more time off work to be with my wife at the doctors’ offices.
3. Strengthen the Foundation.
Infertility revealed many hidden cracks in the foundation of our marriage, but it also provided an opportunity to build our communication skills. We made sure that dinner conversations were not just about our next treatment options. Date nights continued to happen, even when we were dreading what the next week would bring. We learned there was no time like a season of struggle to build intimacy and dependency on each other.
4. Grow Your Marriage in Times of Stress
We made it our mission that any baby we had—yes, we eventually became parents—would come home to find Mom and Dad in a strong, healthy marriage. In this two-part broadcast on growing your marriage in times of stress, listen as counselors Milan and Kay Yerkovich discuss common responses to stress and how they can lead to unhealthy attachment styles. Learn powerful insight for cultivating healthy ways of dealing with stress as a means of strengthening your marriage.
How to Support a Couple Coping With Infertility
“I was ready for noise, cuddles, toys, nurseries, diapers, and even messes! We assumed pregnancy would happen naturally, but it didn’t.”
“Those of us who’ve waited month after month, year after year, and remain childless speak our own language. It’s like belonging to a club, but not one we wanted to join.”
“I told my husband that my heart couldn’t take any more pain. I wanted to stop trying.”
Some women we talked to said that they were able to get pregnant but unable to carry a baby to full term. As one woman shared, “Infertility encompasses so much more than not being able to conceive. For me, conceiving came a little too easily, but I was losing my babies before they drew their first breath. No matter how many times you’ve experienced it before, the loss never gets easier. It knocked the wind out of me each time I saw ‘the look’ wash over that doctor’s face.”
Couples who are experiencing the pain of infertility need the love and support of their family and friends. Here are some ways we can support those who feel alone in their infertility journey.
1. Be Sensitive
Recognize that coping with infertility is a real and painful experience that many couples face. If a couple has been married for several years and does not have children, there may be a reason. Questions like, “So when are you guys going to have kids?” can deepen the pain they already experience daily.
2. Validate Their Feelings
If you know someone who is facing infertility, listen as they share their struggles and let them know it’s okay to feel that way. Some couples feel guilty if they are envious of their friends who have children. Others question why God is allowing this to happen to them. Let them know you understand why they feel that way and that you will pray for them.
3. Don’t Bring Up the Topic of Adoption
Couples who experience infertility are often asked, “Have you thought about adoption?” It’s an insulting question that they get tired of hearing. Obviously, that is something they have thought about, but adoption is not “plan B.” A couple needs to believe that God is calling them to adopt a child, and it’s not an easy process.
4. Include Them
Even though it’s hard to be invited to baby showers and birthday parties, invite them to join the event, but also let them know you understand if they don’t feel like attending.
5. Have a Kid-Free Lunch
Playdates are for moms with kids, so have coffee or lunch with just the ladies, and invite those with no children to join the fun. Leave kids at home with hubby or a babysitter. This will allow plenty of time to chat without being interrupted. Keep the topic about women and marriage issues rather than mothering issues. This will benefit you as well as your friends who don’t have kids.
6. Don’t Give Advice
Couples who have difficulty getting pregnant are hurt and insulted by unsolicited advice from others. They hear everything from “just stop trying” to “go on a vacation.” If it were that simple, they would have figured it out already. Unless you have walked in their shoes, refrain from giving advice.
If you have walked that lonely road, you know that advice is rarely helpful, but your story and understanding can be good medicine for a hurting heart. Give a safe place to share their story and offer to share yours. The pain of infertility is a reality for many women and couples. Our love, prayers, and support can let them know they are not alone on their journey to having a family.
Final Thoughts on Coping with Infertility
Frequently there is no medical explanation for infertility, just a long and lingering question. Why? Why not me? Infertility is a temporary situation for some women, lasting for years or decades. For other women, pregnancy and childbirth is not something they will experience.
Having talked with dozens of women, I have come to realize how broad and far-reaching this problem is, how devastating the emotional roller coaster of coping with infertility feels, and how much more meaningful hope is rather than advice.
