What Does the Bible Say About Soulmates?

Estimated reading time: 13 minutes

Our culture has embraced a rather absurd notion that there is just one person who can, in the words immortalized by Tom Cruise in Jerry Maguire, “complete us.” The idea of a soulmate is a disastrous mindset with which to approach a lifelong marital decision. But what does the Bible say about soulmates?

The notion of a “soul mate” is actually pretty ancient. Well over two thousand years ago, the Greek philosopher Plato surmised that a perfect human being was tragically split in two, resulting in a race of creatures sentenced to spend the rest of their lives searching for that missing other who can complete them. [i]

The real danger in this line of thinking, rather than following what the Bible says about soulmates, is that many people mistake a storm of emotion as the identifying mark of their soul mate. How else can you identify “destiny?”

Such individuals marry on an infatuation binge without seriously considering character, compatibility, life goals, family desires, spiritual health, and other important concerns. Then, when the music fades and the relationship requires work, one or both partners suddenly discover that they were “mistaken”: This person must not be their soul mate after all! Otherwise, it wouldn’t be so much work. Next, they panic. Their soul mate must still be out there!

Such people can’t get to divorce court fast enough, lest someone steal their “one true soul mate” meant only for them. When we get married for trivial reasons, we tend to seek divorce for trivial reasons.

What is a Soulmate?

Can I suggest a more biblical pattern? Instead of following Plato in a wild pursuit of a soulmate, we should seek to find a biblical “sole mate.” This doesn’t mean you’re settling for a spouse, but making wise decisions about your spouse.

A sole mate is someone who walks with us as together we apply biblical love. The most accurate definition of true love is found in John 15:13: “Greater love has no one than this, that one lay down his life for his friends.”

This love is not based on feelings but on sacrifice. The Bible calls men to act like martyrs toward their wives, laying down their own lives on their wives’ behalf (Ephesians 5:25).

Love is not just an emotion; it’s also a policy and a commitment that we choose to keep. Such a love is not based on the worthiness of the person being loved — none of us deserve Christ’s sacrifice! — but on the worthiness of the One who calls us to love: “We love because he first loved us” (1 John 4:19).

God Gives Us the Freedom to Choose

What does the Bible say, then, about soulmates? In a biblical view, there is no “one right choice” for marriage, but rather good and bad choices. We are encouraged to use wisdom, not destiny, as our guide when choosing a marital partner. There is no indication that God created “one” person for us to marry. This is because Christians believe that God brings the primary meaning into our lives. Marriage—though wonderful—is still secondary.

Consider, for example, Paul’s advice in 1 Corinthians 7:1-9. He clearly leaves the choice of marriage up to us—there are benefits to singleness and benefits to being married. If you’re unable to handle sexual temptation as a single, Paul says, then by all means, get married.

There is no hint at all of finding “the one person” that God created “just for you.” It’s far more a pragmatic choice: Do you think you’ll sin sexually if you don’t get married (1 Corinthians 7:2)? Are you acting improperly toward a woman you could marry (1 Corinthians 7:36)? If so, go ahead and get married—it’s your choice, and God gives you that freedom.

If you are dating, or actively looking for your future spouse, you may have an idea of who “the one” may be for you. When you come across someone who meets your soulmate criteria, you are likely to eagerly open yourself up to a relationship with this person. But what does the Bible have to say about soulmates? And is your idea of “the one” leading you toward good or bad decisions?

What Does the Bible Say About Soulmates

The Bible uses the term “soul” extensively, over 700 times in the KJV, highlighting its significance. In the Old Testament, we read in Genesis 2:7 that “man became a living soul” when God breathed life into him. The Hebrew word “soul” (Nephesh) represents the inner person, the seat of desires, emotions, and passions. In the New Testament, Jesus emphasizes loving the Lord with all our hearts, souls, and minds (Matthew 22:37). Here, “soul” means the vital breath of life and signifies an individual’s unique personhood.

The search for “the one” is often an idolatrous pursuit. As Christians, we must believe that our primary meaning comes from our relationship with God: “Seek first the Kingdom of God and his righteousness…” (Matthew 6:33, emphasis added).

Thus, a Christian should not consider any marital union that would not feed this primary relationship with God. You’ll bring great misery into your life if you ignore this command.

Your Spouse is Only Human

But just as importantly, we mustn’t enter into a marriage expecting more than another human can give. The truth about your spouse is that they are only human. If my wife looks to me to be God for her—to love her like only God can love her—I’ll fail every time and on every count. I’m trying, but I fall short every day.

Tragically, I see too many young people wanting to get married in order to find this God-like acceptance and love. Infatuation can initially feel like it approaches this God-love, but eventually it fades, disillusionment sets in, and the once “fabulous” relationship soon becomes an excruciating prison. The Bible tells us nothing can replace the love of God—not even a soulmate.

The Bible’s Way of Choosing Your Mate

It is crucial to prioritize the Bible’s view of “good and bad choices” over your destiny of finding “the one.” This is because the former attitude allows you to objectively consider the person you marry. There is no objective measurement of “destiny.” So sometimes, you’ll have to choose between what the Bible says about soulmates and what feels like is fate.

Powerful emotions can blind us to all sorts of clues. When we adopt the biblical attitude of making a “wise” choice, we can use all that God has given us to arrive at a solid decision. This should be based on a number of factors.

Biblical Ways to Choose a Spouse

If the Bible doesn’t talk about us having soulmates, how do you know if a person is someone you should marry? Other than a potential spouse’s willingness, it’s a combination of things — a little bit of art and a little bit of science. By that I mean God will likely use various sources through which to communicate to you about such a decision. Here are some examples:

• Scriptural mandates: Is the person a believer who fears God (Proverbs 31:30) and who is biblically eligible for marriage (Mark 10:11-12)?
• Wisdom: How do they handle their money? (Proverbs 31:16, 18) Is this person a hard worker? (Proverbs 13:4; 26:13-15) Do they live an upright life? (Proverbs 13:6, 20; 25:28) Does this person wound people with their words, or are they an encourager? (Proverbs 12:18; 18:21) Are they peaceful, or quarrelsome? (Proverbs 17:19; 29:8) Are the two of you in sync on worldview and moral values?
• Compatibility: Do you share compatible views on family and parenting? Are your future dreams compatible?
• Parental, pastoral, and wise advice: Do those who know you best, such as family members or friends, have any serious reservations? Talk to your parents, pastor, and people you respect for their counsel. Ask, “Does this relationship seem like a ‘fit’ to you? Are there any areas you’re concerned about?” If the people I most respected had serious reservations about a relationship, I would assume I had lost my objectivity due to infatuation and put all marriage plans on hold.
• Prayer: Rejecting the notion that God creates one person just for us doesn’t discount the reality that God can lead us toward someone, and help us make a wise choice when we seek Him in prayer.

Pre-Marital Counseling

The list above covers the kinds of questions a couple might encounter in a pre-engagement class, which are becoming increasingly popular and, in my view, advisable. I realize that relationship survey questions are about as romantic as, well, a survey, but a little planning can go a long way to helping a lifelong romance. If you’re serious enough to be discussing marriage, a formal way of addressing these important topics needs to be in the mix.

Listening to Your Heart

Now a few thoughts on listening to your “heart.” By “heart” I’m not just referring to how you feel emotionally. I assume you have strong feelings for him or her or we wouldn’t be having this dialogue. What I mean by “heart” is that intangible “peace” that God gives us when our lives or our individual decisions are moving in accordance with His will. Paul describes it as a feeling that “transcends understanding.” The more we engage the Scriptures and commune with God, the more sensitive we are to His leadership, often in the form of that inward “peace.”

Pray over your relationship. Pray for God’s will to be done in their life and in yours, no matter what His will is. And pray that you would be sensitive to His voice. He will lead you in the right direction. And if you’re going in the wrong direction, He will let you know. Don’t ignore the red flags (or even yellow flags) that He may place in your way.

As for my own experience, I don’t recall wondering whether my wife-to-be was the person I should marry; all I knew was that I wanted her to be! I was crazy about her. The more I got to know her, the more painful it was to be apart from her. It wasn’t long into our relationship that I realized how difficult it would be to picture my life without her. To put it simply, when we were together, there was peace. When we were apart, there was no peace. Fortunately, she agreed, and the rest is history.

The 5 H’s: Healthier Ways to Choose a Mate

Proverbs 9:10 tells us that “the fear of the LORD is the beginning of wisdom,” emphasizing that our pursuit of God is the foundation for wisdom in all areas of life. So, since the Bible lays out what God’s best for humanity is, let’s take a glimpse at a healthy journey toward discerning your life partner.

1. Healthy Method

Since God created and initiated our souls, it’s natural to expect that the Holy Spirit plays a vital role in guiding us. John 14:26 assures us that “the Helper, the Holy Spirit, whom the Father will send in my name, he will teach you all things and bring to your remembrance all that I have said to you.” Likewise, in John 16:13, we learn, “When the Spirit of truth comes, he will guide you into all the truth.” 

The Bible makes it clear that our souls are God-initiated, and the indwelling of the Holy Spirit is a divine gift. 1 Corinthians 2:12 emphasizes:

“We have received not the spirit of the world, but the Spirit who is from God, that we might understand the things freely given us by God.”

This divine guidance extends to forming relationships, whether friendships or romantic partnerships.

2. Healthy Pursuit

To prepare ourselves for a beneficial and fulfilling relationship, we must seek God with our whole hearts and desire personal growth through His power. In other words, seek to become the person you’d like to marry—character counts! Galatians 5:22-23 describes the fruit of the Spirit, highlighting the qualities we should cultivate:

“But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control.” Colossians 3:12 emphasizes traits we can choose to clothe ourselves with: “Put on then, as God’s chosen ones, holy and beloved, compassionate hearts, kindness, humility, meekness, and patience.”

A simple question is, “Am I relationship ready?” In our own lives, because both of us grew up in chaotic and dysfunctional homes of origins, God took each of us on a journey where we pushed pause on dating to spend more time in healing our hearts as individuals and allowing God to remake and remold our inner life and character.

To repair our brokenness, God had us spend time studying wholesome leaders with integrity and healthier relationships in the Bible: men like Joseph, Boaz, and Jesus, and women like Mary (Christ’s mother), Ruth, and sisters Mary and Martha. We both agree that we might have missed one another before our “Dating Sabbaticals” because we were too needy and driven by self-centered desires. You can hone your spiritual senses by allowing God to fine-tune you and teach you a more godly way of decision-making.

3. Healthy Partner

It’s crucial to prioritize seeking God’s guidance. The story of Ruth illustrates this principle. Ruth initially married Naomi’s son, but after his death, she chose to follow Naomi back to Israel. She listened to her wise mentor, Naomi, which kept her safe and provided food and shelter for her and Naomi. By following the wisdom of her mentor, Ruth was guided to the field of a godly and successful man, Boaz. Eventually, she married Boaz and bore a child, and she is in the lineage of the Messiah! Ruth’s story teaches us that God can guide us, even to one life partner after another, if we follow God with a whole heart. This Biblical romantic story shows that seeking God for wisdom in our love life is more vital than the concept of wandering the globe, desperately seeking “your other half” or soulmate.

4. Healthy Timing

While we often hear about finding “the one,” the Bible suggests there can be more than one suitable life partner in our journey. The Bible doesn’t say we have specific soulmates. Healthy timing is essential, and as we seek God, His sovereignty will bring the right person into our lives.

Ecclesiastes 3:11 reminds us, “He has made everything beautiful in its time.” Galatians 4:4-5 emphasizes waiting for Divine fulfillment, in other words, desiring God’s timing more than our own: “But when the fullness of time had come, God sent forth his Son.” As you patiently wait, remember Habakkuk 2:3, which assures us we can trust God’s timing, “For the vision awaits its appointed time; it hastens to the end—it will not lie. If it seems slow, wait for it; it will surely come; it will not delay.” (ESV)

In our book, The Before You Marry Book of Questions, we remind our readers, “Your job is to seek and follow God’s plan and path, it is God’s job to cross your path with the path of the one He has intended for you to marry.”

5. Healthy Commitment

In your pursuit of a life partner, remember that God plays a pivotal role in guiding your path. Seek Him with your whole heart, cultivate your character, and prioritize a healthy relationship with a partner who shares your commitment to God. Perhaps it isn’t so much looking and looking for the perfect partner that you can live with in wedded bliss, but rather, looking for someone you can’t live without, even with all your and their imperfections redeemed by the faithful, unconditional love of God.

When God’s timing aligns with your life journey, calling, and values, God will help you discern and grasp that you have indeed found your “soulmate.” It is really as you first say, “I will” to Jesus, then utter “I do” at the wedding altar, that you two become “soulmates,” joined by God’s divine hand. Your vital choice on your wedding day and every day following is to cherish and protect that bond for life,

“So they are no longer two but one flesh. What therefore God has joined together, let not man separate.” (Matthew 19:6)

 [i] Plato’s “Symposium” in The Portable Plato, Scott Buchanan, ed. (New York: Penguin Books, 1948), pp. 146-148.