What Are the Christian Roles of Husband and Wife?

Estimated reading time: 10 minutes

A few months ago, I phoned my dad. This is because

1. I am cheap.
2. My dishwasher was throwing an error code, causing me to growl. I am spoiled in this way.
3. My husband’s relationship with my dishwasher is worse than mine.

Faithfully consulting YouTube for repair strategies, I got stuck upon discovering my dishwasher does not connect to my sink disposal. I phoned Dad, who expressed his pride in what I’d discovered so far, including my newly-acquired mechanical lingo.

See, my parents once carried relatively traditional roles in marriage. I long associated women with the smells of rising bread or lemon polish, and men with motor oil and sweat.

But “traditional” does not equal “biblical.”

Honestly? Roles in Christian marriage have understandably gotten a bad rap. Is there a chance our view of marital roles and submission have been smaller than God’s?

I’ve allowed post-Industrial Revolution stereotypes to influence my understanding of Scriptural gender roles. That’s eisegesis: Reading my own story, opinions, and culture into Scripture, rather than exegesis—allowing God to speak for Himself via His Word.

And that narrowing, presumptive eisegesis results in patriarchal, paternal (“this is in your best interest!”), and transactional (you do this/I do this) stereotypes, which often diminish and even destroy 50% of Christ’s Body.

God, on a cosmic level, is the first homemaker. He crafts a smorgasbord of plants (in the Bible, Jesus, Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob are among men who cook), exquisite decor, a sprawling home in which to mete out dreams, relationships, and life. And this homemaking stretches throughout Scripture, to the God who creates a heavenly home, a prepared place (see John 14:3), a prepared table (Psalm 23:5). God shapes a holistically peaceful, nurturing place for souls to flourish with Himself and each other.

Women’s roles look different biblically, too. Deborah “as a mother in Israel” (Judges 5:7) manifested as a judge and even military leader with surpassing boldness. Ruth worked in the fields. Abigail served as a smooth, life-saving negotiator.

Why do Christian Roles of Husband and Wife Matter? (It’s 2024).

It’s only when God creates both male and female in His image that he pronounces Creation “very” good (Genesis 1:31). Throughout Scripture, we see gender matters deeply to God. He made gender on purpose.

“The God [that Adam] represents is plural—a Trinitarian three in one. A solitary image bearer cannot adequately or accurately reveal God in the world, much less fulfill his destiny as a human being,” theologian Carolyn Custis James poses in Malestrom.

Later, in Ephesians 5, we understand a second critical aspect of gender. “A man shall leave his father and mother and hold fast to his wife … This mystery is profound, and I am saying that it refers to Christ and the church” (vv. 31, 32).

Men and women in marriage are part of God’s coup de grace in showing the world the whole picture of Him.

What Is the Christian Role of a Wife in Marriage?

Yet English translations hang us up. (…Hang me up.) When God creates woman as “helper,” we hear pearls clacking as June Cleaver vacuums, preferably in heels. She’s helping because she can’t do the job herself, right?

But the 21 remaining mentions of helper’s Hebrew counterpart, ezer, describe God, God’s Spirit, and military allies. God custom-created a Goose to Adam’s Maverick: a wingman.

We diminish this role crushingly when helper equals maid/babysitter/administrative-assistant-with-benefits. We’d never cast this role on God  when the Psalms declare, “Our soul waits for the Lord; He is our help (ezer) and our shield” (Psalm 33:20). Author Jo Saxton quotes scholars who observe “ezer” combines words meaning “to rescue,” “to save,” and “to be strong.” It often “occurs in parallel with words denoting strength or power.” Textually, a woman is a lifesaver. Dr. Timothy Keller emphasizes that “ezer” implies having resources the other person doesn’t have.

Ezer is in no way a diminutive role. A military ally is not dainty. A woman doesn’t use her role in the authority structure to hide in passivity or silence to placate.

She doesn’t avoid confrontation or conflict.

Other Genesis clues toward a woman’s role? Adam names Eve the “mother of all living” (3:20). Following her fateful bite the chapter before, her related curse includes, “in pain you shall bring forth children” (1:16)—far beyond labor and delivery, in my experience.

A woman’s life-giving presence

The Proverbs 31 woman expounds on a woman’s life-giving presence. She acts decisively. Vigilantly. She speaks with wisdom and kindness, purchases real estate, cares well for herself, her kids, her home, the poor, and her employees. Meanwhile, she’s an entrepreneur, carrying on profitable business outside her home. It’s a portrait of a woman generous and proactive, industrious and perceptive, strong and dignified (v. 25); “her arms are strong for her tasks” (v. 17; see also Titus 2:3-5).

Keller proposed that whereas studies show men as biologically gifted for independence, women show natural gifts of interdependence and relationality. Yet like any gift—say, evangelism—some have the gift, but all have the duty. Like Ruth, Abigail, and Esther, a biblical woman demonstrates initiative and drive (and not just with an Instant Pot and a Swiffer). Like Jesus, a man demonstrates gentleness and meekness (Matthew 11:29).

We know well that each gift has its dark side, no? Masculinity, he points out, may become autonomy and tyranny. Women’s interdependence can become codependence and enabling. In marriage, each of us needs the opposite gender for completion, and to display God’s image in all its beauty and wholeness.

Keller points out that because the Bible is written for all space and time, Scripture exalts homemaking and parenting, yet doesn’t confine women there as much of post-Industrial-Revolution culture with economic privilege did.

Even considering this life-giving role of women, Jesus doesn’t affirm assertions that a wife and mother are a woman’s highest calling (which for one, would exclude singles, widows, and the infertile). “A woman in the crowd raised her voice and said to [Jesus], ‘Blessed is the womb that bore you, and the breasts at which you nursed!’” (Luke 11:27). This was clearly a culture where women derived their value from their nurturing roles.

But Jesus replied, “Blessed rather are those who hear the word of God and keep it!” (v. 28). Jesus affirms that more valuable than being the mother of Jesus—than whomever you raise–is to hear God and obey.

What’s the Christian Roles of a Husband in Marriage? (And Is It Toxic?)

In Genesis, God tasks Adam with keeping the garden (2:15) and naming the animals (2:19). Naming in the Bible connotes calling forward, even blessing toward one’s future. “You were taking charge of that person, and shaping their character and their purpose,” Keller explains. It’s the act of a person in authority, as a parent names a child.

As to Adam’s other position, Brant Hansen, author of The Men We Need, believes “keeper of the garden” means protecting, providing for, and cultivating a space: helping anyone (and anything) the man interacts with to bloom and thrive.

Hansen elaborates, “Everyone around [Jesus] who knows Him comes alive. … We bear fruit because of Him. That was a job that Adam was given; and Jesus completed it, and we get to be part of it. …. [Jesus is] defending women; He’s advancing women. Whereas Adam is right there with Eve, and he does nothing.”

Hansen relates a friend’s observation: “I would tell myself, ‘You’re a real man, because you’d grab a gun—or you’d whatever— you’d defend your wife, keep her from being hurt … But then I realized the intruder, most of the time, is me. It’s my words that hurt my wife, or my lack of words, or my tone, or the things I say to my kids.’”

I hear elements of a true “garden-keeper” in the vision cast by Ephesians 5:

Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her, that he might sanctify her, having cleansed her by the washing of water with the word, so that he might present the church to himself in splendor, without spot or wrinkle or any such thing, that she might be holy and without blemish. In the same way husbands should love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. For no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just as Christ does the church, because we are members of his body.

(vv. 26-30)

Ultimately, this garden-keeper and namer assumes a sacred responsibility and accountability before God for his family, and to be—as Jesus was—the Chief Servant (Mark 9:35, Philippians 2:5-11).

When Ephesians 5 mentions a husband “washing his wife with the water of the Word,” some see a connection to John 15:3, spoken just after Jesus washed the feet of His disciples, the Church: “Already you are clean because of the word that I have spoken to you.” Yet when Jesus assumed the position and attire of a servant in that room—and prepared to love them to the end (13:1)—no one wondered who was in charge.

What Does Submission Look Like in a Christian Marriage?

Dr. Nancy Pearcey reports startling research on evangelical Christian husbands who attend church regularly.

The women report the highest levels of being happy with the way their husbands treat them, feeling loved and appreciated. [Evangelical fathers] are the most engaged with their children … They are the least likely to divorce of any group in America—and … they have the lowest rates of domestic violence.

Yet when it comes to nominal Christian husbands—about 50% of those who call themselves Christian, yet don’t regularly attend church or display signs of life transformed by Christ:

Their wives are the least happy with how their husbands treat them; they’re the least engaged with their children … They have the highest level of divorce, higher than secular men; and they have the highest level of domestic violence of any group in America, higher than secular men … Apparently, they hang around the Christian world enough to get the language of headship and submission; and then they insert secular meaning of dominance, control, entitlement, and so on.

So What Does a Biblically Submissive Wife Look Like?

Too often, our concept of a “submissive” wife can swaddle women in passivity—smoldering, perhaps. Or chilled. Or insecure. Or simply indifferent; resigned. Justified in our silence, contentedly losing our voice except for the most pressing matters.

But Christian marriage represents a trinitarian God. And 1 Corinthians 11 declares, “the head of every man is Christ, and the head of the woman is man, and the head of Christ is God.” Jesus, of course, is equal to God (Philippians 2:6). Any red-letter Bible will tell you He’s far from silent. He was the member of the Trinity sent as ambassador to earth, after all. And Scripture affirms men and women are of equal worth (Galatians 3:28).

A biblical husband covets his wife’s opinions; he seeks out her “ezer-ness,” her counsel. After all, she’s a co-heir of the grace of life, an equal image-bearer of God, and a counterpart “fit for him” (Genesis 1:27, 2:18; 1 Peter 3:7). Like Jesus, his leadership isn’t an avenue for self-glorification, power, or someone to make him a sandwich. His strength and authority only provide another opportunity to “keep the garden” with sensitivity, self-sacrifice, valor, and integrity.

Must a Woman Submit to an Ungodly Husband?

Following the example of God’s Bride, the Church, a woman following Jesus intelligently, volitionally respects and submits to her husband’s leadership (Genesis 2:18-25; Ephesians 5:24; Colossians 3:18; Titus 2:5; 1 Peter 3:1-6; Proverbs 31:10-12). Because God is the ultimate head of every hierarchy, she never condones her husband’s sin, dominance, or abuse (see Acts 5:27, Romans 13). Though she bears his burdens with him, she’s not the primary keeper of his sexual integrity or self-regulation; that’s his own responsibility (Genesis 4:9, Galatians 6:1-2).

Christian wives love their husbands enough—like Jesus did—not to leave them in their junk. This does not mean to nag, whine, dissect, rip to shreds, or manipulate. It means in the safe, nurturing context of relationship, we help each other become more holy. And like Esther or Abigail, we head off damage a spouse might not know they’re causing.

Like any head and its Body, husband and wife are primarily a unified team (John 17:21). Personally, I can count on one hand the times in my 24 years of marriage where my husband has needed to make an executive decision. And in those times, I’ve trusted him as someone who deeply cares for me. We submit to each other (Ephesians 5:21).

As in a dance, one leads without domination, to the glory of both. I’ve found my husband my most fierce advocate and cheerleader for the maximizing of my gifts—so much further than my own courage could carry me.

Together, we’re more than the sum of our parts.

And the health of this unity doesn’t just affect us. This intimate form of community resonates in our communities at large: A man who doesn’t believe he needs his wife’s opinion, who believes he’s better “alone” (Genesis 2:18, 1 Corinthians 12:21), echoes in the larger community. When he relaxes into diminishing women in his own life and home, he undercuts from the Church and culture its most vivid picture of God’s breathtaking design for gender: marriage.

Maybe biblical marriage looks like me fixing the dishwasher—something June Cleaver or my mom wouldn’t have tackled. And maybe there’s a lot more freedom and variety in marriage roles than we thought.