As a Marriage 911 mentor, you will encounter couples facing difficult situations. Some of these situations are common. We’ve all had ups and downs in relationships. But what if your mentee couple is dealing with something more complex — like domestic abuse? When do you refer a mentee to a licensed Christian counselor? We recommend the following:
Understand the difference between mentoring and counseling
If you are unsure when to refer a mentee to a counselor, make sure you first understand the difference between “mentoring” and “counseling.”
Mentoring and counseling are distinct approaches that serve different purposes and have different focuses. As a mentor, be aware of your limitations and the scope of your expertise. Mentors can provide guidance, support, and a listening ear, but they are not trained mental health professionals. It’s crucial for your own well-being to acknowledge when your mentee’s needs exceed your capabilities. Here’s a brief comparison of mentoring vs counseling:
Mentoring
- Mentors draw from their own knowledge and experiences. Mentors offer guidance and support, provide advice, share experiences, and offer feedback.
- Mentors and mentees may establish a more informal and flexible relationship. This allows for more personal connections and shared experiences. While mentors should maintain boundaries, the relationship may allow for a more casual and supportive dynamic.
Counseling
- Counselors are mental health professionals who have undergone specific education, training and licensure in counseling or therapy. Counselors possess expertise in addressing emotional and psychological issues using evidence-based techniques and therapeutic interventions.
- Counseling is primarily focused on addressing and resolving emotional, psychological, or behavioral issues. It aims to provide therapeutic support and interventions to help individuals and couples overcome challenges, improve mental well-being, and develop coping strategies.
- Counselors address a broader range of emotional, psychological, and behavioral concerns. Counselors work with clients to explore underlying issues, gain insight, develop coping skills, and promote overall mental well-being.
- In counseling, strict ethical guidelines and professional boundaries are maintained to ensure client confidentiality, trust, and the client’s best interests.
Recognize the issues you want to refer to a licensed Christian counselor.
The following issues require the help of a trained, licensed counselor for treatment.
Domestic Violence
Focus on the Family is dedicated to bringing healing and restoration to couples who are struggling in their marriage. But God’s design for marriage never included abuse, violence, or coercive control. Even emotional abuse can bruise or severely harm a person’s heart, mind, and soul. We define abuse in marriage as behavior designed to gain or maintain power and control over a spouse, using physical, sexual, emotional, economic, or psychological actions or threats of actions that influence another person. This includes any behaviors that frighten, intimidate, terrorize, manipulate, hurt, humiliate, blame, injure, or wound someone.
Violence against a spouse is never justified and is sinful; often, it is a crime as well. We believe that this type of severe and ongoing mistreatment is never God’s intent for marriage. Abuse in any relationship or under any circumstance is never condoned in the Bible. In such situations, your Marriage 911 meetings must stop and we urge the victim to seek safety, adopt a zero-tolerance policy toward the abuse, and consult with their pastor and also a Christian counselor to determine next steps.
Mentor Resources for Abuse Victims
- Focus on the Family – Help for Abusive Relationships
- National Domestic Violence Hotline – If you hear about physical abuse, see marks, or hear threats, tell the person to go to a safe place and call police (dial 911) or call the National Domestic Abuse Hotline at (800-799-7233) or visit them online at www.TheHotline.org.
Next Steps for Abuse Situations
- Call your pastor or lead mentor, and let them know what’s going on.
- In addition to calling your pastor, you can call Focus on the Family for a consultation with a licensed, Christian counselor. Our phone number is 800-A-Family (4537). You can also access our counseling center for information about referring your mentee to a licensed Christian counselor in your area.
Mental Health Challenges: Depression, Anxiety/Eating Disorders, PTSD
Refer your mentee to a licensed Christian counselor if they struggle with depression, anxiety disorders, bipolar disorder, eating disorders, obsessive compulsive disorder, PTSD, or similar issues. Be vigilant and observe your mentee’s behavior and emotional well-being.
Signs such as prolonged or severe emotional distress, persistent anxiety or depression, significant changes in behavior, withdrawal from activities, or indications of self-harm should not be overlooked. If these signs persist or worsen over time, it may be appropriate to refer your mentee to a licensed Christian counselor.
Past Sexual Abuse or Trauma
Sexual abuse can even happen in Christian marriages. Christian counselor Darby Strickland has developed a series of articles for Focus on the Family to help identify the issue.
Active, Ongoing Addiction
If addiction is an issue, read Dr. Gregory Janzt’s article, “Married to an Addict: How to Help Your Loved One.”
Ongoing Infidelity
The betrayal of infidelity is overwhelming. To understand how to help a couple dealing with infidelity, read “Marital Infidelity: Recovery for Both Wounded Spouses.”
Filing for a Legal Separation or Divorce
For more information, read: “Is Divorce the Right Answer? 15 Questions Couples Should Ask.”
What to Know Before You Refer a Mentee to a Licensed Christian Counselor
Your role as a mentor is to walk alongside a person in crisis. As you and your spouse grow the relationship with the mentee couple, you’ll have opportunities to challenge them to become healthy individuals and a healthy couple. Learn these skills so that when the timing is right, you can refer them to a licensed Christian counselor who can help them with complex issues.
- The importance of open and honest communication: It’s important for you and your spouse as mentors to develop a trusting relationship with your mentees and create an environment where the couple in crisis is comfortable discussing personal challenges. As a mentor, you should encourage open and honest communication, actively listen to your mentee’s concerns, and validate their experiences. Building trust allows open dialogue about the potential benefits of seeking professional counseling.
- The power of suggestion: When referring a mentee to a licensed Christian counselor, emphasize the potential benefits and support it can provide. Explain that counseling is a proactive step toward personal growth, emotional well-being, and effective coping strategies. You may also share stories of others who have sought counseling and experienced positive outcomes. By the way, you can also point your mentee to Focus on the Family’s counseling team for a free consultation. Also, let them know about the Hope Restored marriage intensive program.
- The need for boundaries: Referring a mentee to a licensed Christian counselor doesn’t mean that you stop going through Marriage 911 with them. But, you may need to establish a boundary and let your mentee know you won’t continue Marriage 911 unless they are also working with a licensed Christian counselor. It’s a good idea to say in your first meeting, “If you trust me enough to ask me to be your mentor, consider trusting me if I find it necessary to get outside help.”
- The mentee’s decisions: Ultimately, the decision to pursue counseling rests with the mentee. Respect their autonomy and honor their decision, even if they choose not to pursue counseling at this time. Reiterate your willingness to support them but that you won’t continue Marriage 911 unless they are also working with a licensed Christian counselor. Remind them Marriage 911 will always be available to them in the future after they have completed their work with a counselor.
About Marriage 911
Research from Communio and the Barna Group shows that — regardless of denomination — 24 percent of married couples who attend church regularly are struggling in their marriage. Many churches lack a game plan to help couples in crisis.
Marriage 911 by Focus on the Family is a 16-week mentoring program designed for the local church. The content is biblically based and and built on the concepts taught in Focus on the Family’s Hope Restored marriage intensives. The Marriage 911 curriculum will be available in the Focus on the Family online store in July 2023.
