One of the biggest misperceptions about Christianity is that it’s simply about acting right. When Christian parents overemphasize their child’s behavior rather than their heart, the real message they send often has more shame than love. As secular opinions continue to reject biblical standards, many Christians struggle to discern what their response should be to such hot-button topics as transgenderism.
The chasm between the biblical view of sexuality and the secular view grows wider every day. Social media and the entertainment industry now celebrate “gender fluidity” as a more enlightened way of thinking than the biblical view. The trend has grown quickly, with transgender-identified celebrities making headlines and drag queens leading story times at schools and libraries. Society faces unexpected legal and ethical challenges as transgender-identified people compete on sports teams and use public restrooms of their non-biological sex. Parents increasingly allow their underage children to chemically and surgically alter their bodies, and several states now permit minors to do so without their parents’ consent.
This ongoing moral drift is evident in the Christian response to these trends as well. A generation ago we faced backlash for proclaiming that living out a gay or homosexual identity is not God’s plan. We grieved as the U.S. Supreme Court redefined marriage in 2015. But today, the front line of moral questioning and challenges to sexual wellbeing is frequently encountered within the church and Christian homes. As secular opinions continue to reject biblical standards, many Christians struggle to discern what their response should be to such hot-button topics as transgenderism.
Changes in the secular culture are also changing our vocabulary. For example, the term “gender” no longer means only male or female. Instead, gender now takes into account identity and expression. (According to healthline.com there are 64 terms that describe gender.)
There is even disagreement on the number of biological sexes. The New York Times states that “biologically speaking, there are many gradations running from female to male; along that spectrum lie at least five sexes — perhaps even more.” While many people talk about sexual orientation, there is no agreement based on legal, medical, or psychological definitions.
Those of us committed to the Christian worldview base our view of gender and sex on the biblical book of Genesis: “So God created man in his own image, in the image of God he created him; male and female he created them. And God blessed them. And God said to them, ‘Be fruitful and multiply and fill the earth.’” Therefore, the Christian worldview on gender and sex takes into account not only the creation of a biological man and a biological woman, but also love, marriage, fidelity, and reproduction.
The word “dysphoria” is a clinical term for unease or dissatisfaction. Gender dysphoria is the feeling that your emotional and psychological identity doesn’t match the biological sex you were born with. There are two types of gender dysphoria:
Early onset gender dysphoria involves someone’s distress over their sex that begins in early childhood, usually between the ages of 2 and 4. According to Psychology Today, only a small number of children with gender dysphoria will continue to have symptoms in later adolescence or adulthood.
Rapid onset gender dysphoria, an increasing social phenomenon, affects teens and adults who have identified with their own biological sex for years, then decide they want to change genders and sometimes alter their bodies. This developmental crisis, seen especially among adolescents, is seemingly associated with “peer contagions” such as:
Certain factors tend to coincide with gender dysphoria. The following conditions are found in greater numbers within the trans population:
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Sabrina’s Story
24-year-old Sabrina was adopted at age 2 from China. Her birth parents had abandoned her on the street soon after her birth, preferring a son who could care for them in their old age. As a young child she told her adoptive parents that she was a boy. She wanted to cut her hair short and wear boys’ clothes instead of dresses. Her dysphoria is understandable considering the enormous trauma she endured as a direct result of her being born a girl into this situation.
Ideally, parents will begin the following approaches early in a child’s life, nurturing a healthy, biblical view of gender and sexuality. For even more help on this topic, read our article Talking to Your Children About Transgender Issues and this information on Helping Children With Gender Identity Confusion.
Use correct terminology for body parts and their functions. You wouldn’t wait until your child asked you about how and why to wash their hands before proactively teaching them to do so. Likewise, don’t wait until they ask you how and why girls and boys are different to begin to explain it to them. Normalize talking about age-appropriate, healthy sexuality from a faith perspective. Ongoing, open communication is a very different mindset from the old attitude of putting off “the Talk” as long as you possibly can. Educate yourself about healthy childhood sexual development so you can be on the offense instead of the defense. Being proactive is the best way to ensure your child gets trustworthy, biblical teaching on sensitive, important topics such as sex, gender identity, homosexuality, and transgenderism.
Watch for cues that your child may have experienced something that confuses or bothers them. Ask them questions and help them identify their feelings and when those began. If you uncover issues you don’t know how to handle, seek the counsel of a professional Christian counselor. Consider these possibilities:
One of the biggest misperceptions about Christianity is that it’s simply about acting right. When Christian parents overemphasize their child’s behavior rather than their heart, the real message they send often has more shame than love. This distorted view of the Gospel leads people to reject traditional gender roles as being just another Christian idea that’s outmoded and unnecessarily restrictive.
The message our kids (and the world) really need to hear is that forming your spirit in deep friendship with God is the only way to peace, salvation, and your true identity.
Honoring God out of reverence for who He is and from gratitude for His saving grace is an appropriate heart response toward our Creator. However, others around us may care very little or even ridicule this kind of living from our faith. When people close to us aim to pull us away from this devotion, boundaries are necessary. Loving God results in loving others, but dishonoring God inevitably leads to dishonoring others as well. This is important to remember as we protect our children and teach them to guard their hearts and minds.
So much of the reasoning behind the LGBT movement is based on people’s feelings and experiences. Their legitimate pain calls out for compassion and support, touching our hearts, as it should. But when we elevate people’s stories, feelings, preferences, and experiences above scriptural truth, we have built a house of cards instead of a foundation for life. Those who create their own principles of sexuality are not models to follow. Only God’s perfectly designed plan, as communicated in His Word, should be the standard to which we aim.
Well-meaning Christian parents may fall into the trap of thinking that it’s loving to acquiesce to their child’s gender struggle without considering the more important responsibility of shepherding their eternal souls. But putting your acceptance of your children’s preferences and behavior above their relationship with God doesn’t truly help them. As Edmund Burke wrote, “Whatever disunites man from God, also disunites man from man.”
Encouraging your children to honor God and lean on Him as their gracious Helper is the most loving thing you can do as their earthly parent and, hopefully, as their eternal brother or sister in Christ. Staying compassionately connected to the heart of your child does not require distancing from the heart and plan of God.
It’s possible for a family to be quite healthy and their child still experience gender dysphoria. Kids react in various ways to forces outside the home every day. Also, children may perceive relationships and their place in the family in ways adults may never expect. That’s why, for many families, the roots of their child’s confusion began at home without their parents even realizing it.
Some Christians who are upset over their child’s trans identity may also be embracing their own skewed version of masculinity and femininity. Their view of what it means to be male or female and how to live that out seems normal to them because it’s based on their own personal comfort zones or what they saw growing up. Some people unconsciously continue their own parents’ unhealthy patterns; others react to them and become legalistic or dogmatic. But neither of these approaches are much more stable than what their teen may be doing by basing gender on individualized feelings.
Rather, focus on the overall theme woven in Scripture (and in nature) that male and female are equally valuable and complementary — each displaying aspects of God as their differences work together.
There are any number of family power struggles or dynamics that can become problematic and offer children a distorted view of God. For instance, religious legalism (rule-following instead of relationship) provokes children to rebel against parental authority and doubt God’s authority. Parents lament the emerging exodus of teens and young adults who are abandoning the faith. Unfortunately, many of them are actually reacting to a home and church characterized by legalistic qualities.
To see how family systems reap consequences in a child’s perception of gender and sexuality, let’s examine just one example of an unhealthy, imbalanced family system. Of course the overbearing parent can be either sex, but for the sake of discussion we’ll say there is a family with a controlling, domineering father and an anxious, passive mother.
A girl raised in an atmosphere of chauvinism and misogyny often develops a distorted view of womanhood.
A boy raised in this type of imbalanced family system may struggle to develop a healthy sense of both his own sexuality and that of the opposite sex.
Grace’s Story
Harry and Linda have been married for 20 years and have six children. Their oldest, Grace, is 15. Lately she has started dressing in very masculine clothing and binding her breasts when she goes out. Harry responds to this the same way his dad did whenever he got out of line, by loudly demanding she cut it out or else she’ll never get to leave the house again. Linda just wants to keep the peace and avoid the conflict that she grew up in. She tries to intervene by privately begging Grace not to upset her father
From an early age, teach them that our human bodies matter. The body is connected to our personhood — who we are. Emphasize that their body is good and worthy of respect and protection. Help them celebrate their unique qualities of maleness or femaleness. Become informed on this topic through trustworthy resources and encourage your kids to bring their questions to you or your spouse as their primary source of reliable information on any topic, especially private or uncomfortable ones.
And when you see a trans person, don’t model a sense of disgust or make disparaging remarks. Show respect and love for them as God’s image-bearers and use the encounter later as an opportunity to discuss the experience with your kids.
Boys don’t all have to be rough or aggressive — they can also be sensitive, creative, and nurturing, according to the unique personality God has given them. Girls can be tough, sporty, and prefer toy trucks over dolls but still be accepted and celebrated as an example of strong, lovely girlhood.
On the other hand, you don’t want to allow behaviors that emasculate your son, such as wearing their sisters’ dresses and painting their nails. And what if your daughter wants to shave her head? Or your son wants to take up knitting? Where is the balance between being too strict and too lenient?
The mistake a lot of parents make when their child exhibits traits that are more commonly associated with the opposite sex is to react in fear or anger. Instead, watch for opportunities to help them enjoy and develop their talents and interests in the context of still being a boy or a girl.
For example, reacting to a tomboy with disapproval and shame sends the hurtful message that she can’t possibly be accepted as a girl the way she is. But her being rowdy isn’t a serious cause for concern. The real problem would be if she hates being a girl and resists all things that are essentially (not just traditionally) female. These are signs of a deeper internal conflict she needs help to work through.
Wise parents consider the long game in their parenting. Girls and boys have many needs that overlap, but they also have some that are unique to their sex. Fortunately there are some great resources available to help today’s Christian parents anticipate what their children need to thrive and develop a healthy, secure sexual identity.
Perhaps your child’s behaviors have already gone beyond the circumstantial issues of dolls versus trucks. Parents are under tremendous pressure to support their children’s and teenagers’ feelings and preferences without question. However, once you say yes to the “lesser” trans behaviors like cross-dressing, you’re soon going to be asked to sponsor greater ones. By opening the door to things you may later have to disallow in your home, you’re actually setting your child up for longer-term concerns.
Parents need to explain clearly, “I love you unconditionally and I always will, but I can’t relate unconditionally to everything you ask for.” Just as you wouldn’t allow them to drive the car illegally and unsafely, there are likewise serious, scriptural, psychological, and medical reasons not to sponsor their trans behaviors. Of course, they may do whatever they choose while they’re at school or when they move out, but you do not have to endorse wayward and sinful behavior by condoning it in your home.
Deuteronomy 6:6-8 describes how parents should teach their children to love the Lord every day as they go about their normal everyday lives. This overflowing lifestyle is also the best way to teach them about other important topics like sexuality.
If you’re a trauma survivor, or you tend toward anger and criticism, or perhaps you struggle with depression, deal with your own needs diligently before they spill over onto your children. It’s OK to be imperfect and to let them see it, but they also need to see you becoming more like Christ every day. When you enjoy your godly manhood or womanhood in healthy ways, your kids will naturally emulate that pattern.
Be sure to provide other role models in your children’s lives too. They need to see healthy people — secure men and women — who are thriving in their faith as part of the body of Christ. This example is good for all children but is especially important if a parent is a poor role model or is absent through death, divorce, or abandonment.
For more resources on reinforcing your child’s healthy sexual identity, click here.
First, your adult children must be allowed to make their own choices. Trying to control the behavior of another adult is an unhealthy approach to any relationship, regardless of the person’s faith or how they are related to you. Now that your child is out on his own, your importance to him is not necessarily less, but your authority over him is.
Liam’s Story
Liam is a 29-year-old divorced father. His parents reached out to a Christian counselor after he told them he is transgender. “If we don’t agree to call Liam by the name Emma, he threatened not to let us see our grandson,” his mother told the counselor. He has begun taking hormones, so when they saw him recently, his voice was already higher, and he dressed and acted effeminately. He told them he has been attending a local church that’s fully supportive of the LGBT identity, and he plans to move in with his boyfriend when his apartment lease is up. Liam’s son came to visit recently and asked questions about his dad being a girl now. They weren’t sure what to tell him. “I thought the worst thing we had to worry about was the divorce,” Liam’s father sobbed. “Now all I can think is, I just miss my son.”
That changes how you should approach moral issues with them. 1 Corinthians 5:9-6:20 explains that we must deal with the sins of believers and non-believers differently.
Have you ever noticed in the story of the prodigal son that the father didn’t have to kick the son out of the house? The son chose to leave. He wanted a lifestyle of excess and sin, and the father allowed him to make that choice as an adult. It was simply a given that the son had to leave his father’s home in order to live in this manner. The father didn’t cave to the fear of losing his son and compromise to get him to stay. He didn’t even use financial control and withhold his inheritance.
In the end, what changed the son’s heart wasn’t his father preaching at him or pleading with him. Instead, God’s Spirit used the emptiness and filth that a rebellious lifestyle naturally yields over time to make the son yearn for his father’s comfort and care.
God works in ways we can’t comprehend, even using the consequences of our sin. He is able to do far beyond what you can do for your child in your own wisdom and strength. Your job is to maintain personal integrity, love, and solid faith in God’s truth. For more information and encouragement in dealing with a prodigal child, click here.
Spencer’s Story
Spencer is a 19-year-old college freshman who has been in church all his life. One Tuesday morning he called his pastor in tears. “I don’t understand why these thoughts won’t leave. I can’t eat, I can’t sleep, and my grades are already shot. I don’t want to be trans, but it’s on my mind 24/7. I’m not sure how much longer I can fight this.”
Your story and experiences are important and worthy of being heard and respected as you bravely share them, but they’re also no doubt challenging. Don’t go this alone or under the sickening burden of shame that the enemy of our souls tries to heap on us (John 10:10). Find a safe place to slowly and patiently unwind your story. Know the truth that you are loved deeply and unconditionally even as you face your feelings and questions. Christ is a redeemer and healer of our bodies, minds, and spirits.
As you obediently embark on this path with Jesus, you will need a support team with resources at each of these three levels:
The human body is the home of our behaviors, appearance, mannerisms, and habits. Consider some things the Bible says about the human body:
We reflect the image of our Creator. “So God created man in his own image, in the image of God he created him; male and female he created them.” (Genesis 1:27 ESV) Being made in His image separates us and the purpose of human sexuality from all other creatures, elevating our status and imprinting us with His likeness.
Our bodies are not our own. (1 Corinthians 6:19-20) Imagine receiving an original, priceless painting. Would you even consider getting your paints out and changing it? Not only did God create you, but He also sacrificed His Son to purchase you back from sin and death. To alter healthy sexual organs denies that you are God’s masterpiece and embraces the lie that your value and identity come from your appearance, preferences, and sexuality.
Sexual sin is spiritually devastating. (1 Corinthians 6:18) Changing appearance, genitalia, or hormones doesn’t actually change a person’s sex. It also doesn’t change God’s standards or His original design for your life. The biological sex God granted is coded into our DNA and every cell of our God-ordained bodies. It’s a harmful denial of Him and this reality to reject our body in this fundamental way.
Your body was created to be a temple of the Holy Spirit. (1 Corinthians 6:19) Just as God gave Solomon specific instructions for every detail of the temple’s construction, He also purposefully designed every detail of our bodies. Some of His purposes we understand now and others we will learn about in heaven — but all of them are for our good and His glory. He is our God. We are not our own gods to do with ourselves as we wish.
Your mind is the home of your thoughts, emotions, memories, and imagination. Modern brain science confirms what the Bible has always said: Renewing your mind transforms you over time and as you grow in Christ. To begin to willingly open yourself to God’s intent for your sexuality, embrace these key tenets:
A high view of Scripture.
God’s Word provides principles and precepts for instruction in everything believers might encounter. It explains His purposes in creation, including the human body and its two distinct sexes. Creationism is foundational to the other truths of Scripture. When you believe a loving Father created you with care and purpose, your identity has a more secure foundation.
A high view of God’s purposeful design for creation.
The creation account in the Bible (Genesis 1:1-27) is a story of God separating many things:
A high view of the sacred and intentional design for sex.
God separated male from female, among other reasons, so that they could be purposefully joined. Once He formed Eve, He immediately declared that her and Adam’s union was to occur within the bond of marriage. Marriage was important from the beginning because God uses it as a metaphor throughout the Bible.
In the Old Testament God repeatedly describes Israel’s unfaithfulness to Him in terms of sexual infidelity. The two gender roles are essential to His message, with the husband’s role symbolizing God’s initiative of choosing a people for Himself and the wife’s role depicting Israel’s response.
The New Testament further unpacks the metaphor. Our marriage to Christ creates within us new spiritual life, just as the marital act of joining sexually creates new physical life. Transgender-identified sexuality distorts the picture of Christ’s initiating, self-sacrificing love for us and our gratefully receiving Him into ourselves as the indwelling Holy Spirit.
The human spirit is the seat of your desires, inclinations, affections, and identity. It is the deep well from which recovery springs. Many people get stuck at the level of the mind, asking “Why?” This prevents them from going deeper, repenting, and uniting with Christ. You don’t have to fully understand your inner conflict in order to surrender it to God. If you are a Christian who struggles with gender identity, we encourage you to start with these important steps:
Finally, please bear with well-meaning people who don’t yet understand your journey. When you reflect on discussions with family members and friends about your gender identity or about your child’s journey, keep in mind that you have been dealing with this issue for a while, but they may have only learned of it a few minutes earlier. Someone is likely to have hurt or disappointed you, but it doesn’t necessarily mean they don’t love you or have your best interests at heart. That’s why articles and brief education like this exist — to help bridge that gap. This is not an easy topic for anyone, but learning to love fully and help practically is so worth the effort!
What Jesus did in leaving God’s side and coming to earth wasn’t “easy” for Him either, but deep saving grace and love compelled Him! We hope the small steps and ideas of this article will contribute to compassionately and biblically encouraging anyone who needs support and direction on this topic.
For more testimonials, resources, and related articles visit www.FocusontheFamily.com/TransgenderResouces
[1] “How the definition of a ‘sexual orientation’ is shifting under our feet … and why that’s a problem.” Glenn Stanton, PRC Meeting, October 9, 2020.
Rob Jackson is a licensed counselor with Focus on the Family’s Counseling Services department specializing in calls related to sexuality, marriage and parenting.
Jackson has provided counseling services through his private practice since 1991. He offers integrated care that helps people mature and heal spiritually, relationally, psychologically, and behaviorally.
In addition to speaking at churches and national conferences and events on topics such as Christian spiritual formation, marriage and family ministry, addiction and recovery and pastoral care, Jackson frequently writes on the issues he specializes in. He’s contributed content to a variety of Focus on the Family’s digital and print materials, including “The Complete Guide to The First Five Years of Marriage,” “The Savvy Bride’s Answer Guide,” and “The Smart Groom’s Answer Guide.” He’s also been a guest on the “Focus on the Family Broadcast.”
He earned a bachelor of arts in music and psychology from Union University in Jackson, Tennessee, and completed a master of science in clinical psychology at Mississippi State University in Starkville, Mississippi.
Jackson and his wife reside in Altamonte Springs, FL. They have two adult children, a daughter-in-law, two fantastic grandchildren, and one large, loyal cat.
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