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I have three teens, two daughters (13 and 15) and a son (17). And if you’re in a similar boat, you probably have experienced some drama from time to time.
Estimated reading time: 4 minutes
Sadfishing is the term used for the practice of making exaggerated posts to social media. Describing emotional angst through story or image serves to elicit sympathy in others who respond with comforting responses.
Friendship conflicts, unreturned romantic interest, stress about school, sports disappointments, and many other adolescent circumstances can provoke strong emotional outbursts.
In my (and my wife’s) best moments, I try not to react or to fix, but to listen and understand what’s happening. I try to be a sounding board for my kids, to reflect back to them what they’re saying, to create space to get to a better place after they’ve talked through hard emotions with me.
Those conversations, when emotions can spill forth like a broken dam, can be a context for thinking, feeling, and relating honestly. That helps them get perspective—on both their intense feelings and the situations that prompt them. And when my kids’ own friendships are at their best and strongest, their peers can provide something similar, helping them to work through hard feelings.
But what about kids trying to process emotions in isolation, when perhaps they don’t have someone they trust to talk to? For some of those kids, sadfishing on social media becomes an alternative.
The term sadfishing dates back to 2019. Journalist Rebecca Reid coined the term to describe someone who seemed to be exaggerating their emotions for the sake of online sympathy. In this case, it was Kendall Jenner complaining about her “debilitating struggle” with acne (which, it turns out, was all a big marketing ploy for skin care products.
While it’s easy to respond with cynicism and sarcasm to a celebrity like Kendall Jenner, the term has since taken on a broader meaning. As it applies to tweens and teens on social media, sadfishing describes a pattern of posting emotional and dramatic posts online for the sake of seeking attention or validation.
And the pattern part is important to note here.
Most people on social media—be they kids or adults—occasionally share emotion-laden posts about something that’s happened. Sadfishing is when such posts become more frequent or habitual. Experts in the field suggest that a pattern like this is both a cry for attention and a warning sign that a child doesn’t have someone they trust to help them process their emotions.
Sadfishing behavior may also correlate with intoxication. And in extreme cases, it may hint at a signal to self-harm. Phrases like, “I just can’t take it anymore,” “I’m at my breaking point,” “No one ever really understands,” “I just feel so alone” or “I’m not sure how much longer I’m going to be around” can be symptoms of anxiety, depression, and even suicidal ideation.
Interestingly, research published in the journal BMC Psychology in 2023 found that boys sadfishing peaks on social media about age 12 and declines as they age. With girls, however, the trend is just the opposite, with young women fishing for attention with sad posts, images, and emojis as they get older.
If we notice that our kids are regularly posting emotional or attention-seeking content on social media, how should we respond? As a guy and a dad, there are three ways I can respond that don’t help the problem: minimizing (“It’s not that big a deal”) shaming (“Be a man,” “Suck it up, Buttercup”) and fixing. (“I know exactly what you need to do here.”)
But what our kids need instead is our presence. “It seems like you’ve been posting some hard stuff on your Instagram account lately. Do you want to talk about it?” They may decline an initial invitation. But letting our kids know that the door is open for conversation can combat that sense of isolation that they feel—even if they don’t fully recognize that dynamic themselves.
When we dig a bit deeper, I’d go so far as saying that even the word sadfishing doesn’t quite get at what’s really happening here. What our kids are fishing for is love. Acceptance. A listening ear.
The sad irony of social media is that it was supposed to connect us. Instead, for many, it just reinforces a sense of isolation that can feel overwhelming. In those moments, as parents, we want to throw our children a sadfishing lifeline. We want to give a reminder that they have unique value and dignity. To assure that we will take the time to ask about—and listen to—their story.
While not all of your child’s social media merits a parent’s comments or intervention, parents can check in to be aware of what is being posted. Talk about what is wise to post and what is best not shared.
Stay connected with your child through shared mealtimes, family devotions, and spending time together through shared interests and doing projects. As often as possible, be in their world and know who they interact with.
With regular touch points in place, it may be easier for child and parent to talk about what your child is feeling.
After serving as an associate editor at NavPress’ Discipleship Journal and consulting editor for Current Thoughts and Trends, Adam now oversees the editing and publishing of PluggedIn’s reviews as the site’s director. He and his wife, Jennifer, have three children. In their free time, the Holzes enjoy playing games, a variety of musical instruments, swimming and … watching movies.
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