Myra pressed her shoulder against the doorframe as she watched her two kids climb onto the school bus. The morning had gotten off to a bumpy start with lost homework, spilled cereal, and a brand-new sneaker that Fido had chewed to shreds. Myra wondered for the tenth time that week how to be a better parent to her two boys. But where could she turn to for constructive feedback on her parenting? And what questions would she even ask?
Moms and dads everywhere are constantly wondering how to be better parents to their children. Every parent knows they have weaknesses and imperfections. So how do we identify the points where we need improvement? And how do we know if we are remotely on the right track with our kids?
One of the best ways is to check in with the people on the receiving end of our parenting efforts: our kids. Asking for constructive feedback from our children is a great way to become a better parent. Talking with our kids will help us to better see our blind spots and address areas of our parenting that we need to work on.
Constructive Feedback Can Help You Be a Better Parent
As a therapist, I have found that some moms and dads feel threatened by the idea of receiving input from their kids. For them, receiving the opinions of others evokes negative memories and feelings. Other parents may think getting feedback from children brings their authority into question. Yet other parents say their children’s responses would be welcomed and helpful. For these individuals, getting feedback has positive associations.
Some families may not be emotionally and relationally healthy enough for an open and honest check-in. But when feedback can be given in a healthy and respectful way, checking in with the family is well worth it and can be life-giving to the family. In fact, check-ins offer the opportunity for deeper relationships, more openness, growth, and necessary resets.
A Biblical Basis for Constructive Feedback
You can begin with Psalm 139:23-24 where David asks for God to search his heart in order to be known, to see, and to be led in the right direction. In fact, he wants to know if there is any grievous or hurtful way in him.
In the book of Proverbs, King Solomon states, “Let the wise hear and increase in learning, and the one who understands obtain guidance” (Proverbs 1:5). He continues, “Listen to advice and accept instruction, that you may gain wisdom in the future” (Proverbs 19:20). Solomon’s guidance for listening to constructive feedback from others appears several more times in the Book of Proverbs. Here are a few more examples:
Paul writes in Ephesians 4:15, “Rather, speaking the truth in love, we are to grow up in every way into him who is the head, into Christ.” What an excellent opportunity we have as parents to learn from our children, whose feedback can help us grow and be a better parent. Asking for feedback is also an excellent opportunity for us to teach our kids how to offer constructive feedback to others and to speak the truth in love. We can use this constructive feedback to grow ourselves, our relationships with our kids, and with Christ.
How to Ask Your Kids For Constructive Feedback
Checking in involves asking your kids some simple questions about how you’re doing as a parent and if anything is getting in the way of your relationship.
If you ask your kids, “How am I doing as a dad or a mom?” chances are, you’ll hear this response: “Fine.” It’s sort of like asking, “How was your day?” This question is likely to elicit the same reaction. Having a list of specific questions to ask your kids to guide the conversation can be very useful and illuminating.
Be creative with the questions you ask, and don’t be afraid of constructive feedback from your kids. Instead, welcome it! I recommend writing their responses in a journal or notebook to be able to reference and also show your kids that you are taking their responses seriously.
