“What is she thinking!”
Estimated reading time: 8 minutes
How often have you watched a single mom’s actions and asked, “What is she thinking?” As a solo parent, how often have you observed your own actions and asked, “What was I thinking?”
All parents need the ability and skills to make wise, discerning decisions. Single parents have the same concerns, dreams, and hopes as other parents. Yet, single moms often feel too overwhelmed to focus and being decisive feels completely out of reach. There is a reason for the inability to make good decisions when we most need to.
More often than not, becoming a single parent was not part of your plan for your happily ever after. Most solo parents began in a committed relationship and never anticipated raising a child alone. Your significant relationship is gone, replaced by the trauma that almost always accompanies this life-altering change in relationship status.
Complicating an already complicated situation is the way our body responds to this shock to our system. Trauma disables the reasoning ability of the brain. In a natural occurring sequence, trauma causes the thinking part of our brain – the cerebrum located in the front of our head – to go offline.
In an emergency, the flight, fight, freeze, or please mechanism takes control while the thinking section of our brain is disconnected. That flight, fight, freeze, or please part of the brain, the amygdala, is adjacent to the memory-making department. That is why a place, smell, sound, taste, or texture can resurrect a memory linked to something we’ve buried deep in hopes of not recalling to remembrance.
For the single mom, trauma is rarely a singular event but can be a regular occurrence. The loss of what would have been a lifetime relationship frequently triggers a continuing list of additional crises including loss of identity, relocation, financial upset, employment changes, multi-layered legal issues, and cruel betrayals. In the wake of this devastation are broken hearts for your child and you.
For some, this upheaval can take place over a year or two before the crisis settles into a new normal. However, in the presence of emotional or mental complications, the turmoil is perpetual, keeping life off kilter and the amygdala’s fight, flight, freeze, or please protective mechanism in our brains on constant alert.
The problem is that while our emergency system is activated, our thinking and reasoning system is not.
When we see ourselves or another single mom, or her child, doing something that clearly doesn’t look smart, the truth is we are not thinking at all. When the cerebrum, the reasoning function of the brain offline, we automatically react instead of thoughtfully respond.
We are not thinking. Because we cannot.
Children in trauma typically find themselves regular visitors to the school principal’s office. This pattern perpetuates the myth that single moms are poor parents. In truth, trauma in children shows up as behavior issues.
Experts know, bad behavior is not an indication of a bad kid. Nor are behavior issues in a child indicative of inadequate parenting. Instead, bad behavior often is symptomatic of a child with a broken heart.
For the single mom, recognizing that we are reacting rather than responding is step one. You can try this technique used by military special forces for just a few minutes. This practice relieves stress and heightens concentration and performance.
All parents need the ability and skills to make wise, discerning decisions. Single moms frequently feel overwhelmed, struggling to stay focused and make decisions precisely when they’re most crucial. Decision-making is critical in the best of circumstances, and the process becomes daunting for a solo parent.
While we are affected by decisions made by others as well as the decisions we make ourselves, the good news is that God is sovereign. True to His promises, He guides us to make wise decisions today that positively impact us, our family, and our community. “If any of you lacks wisdom, let him ask God, who gives generously to all without reproach, and it will be given him. James 1:5.
Healthy decisions create a healthier life. Those times when you feel worried and churned up inside, these feelings point to the need to make a decision. Once you make a healthy decision, your emotions calm.
Making good choices does not always mean your life will calm. After all, you can only control you, your attitudes, and your actions. You cannot control anyone else. Thankfully, as you continue to make wise decisions, one by one, you set a stronger life path for you and your child.
Eventually, you become so patterned in making positive decisions that making the next right choice becomes a habit. Healthy decisions become steppingstones to a more emotionally peaceful and spiritually fortified life.
The first step is to get the thinking part of our brain, the cerebrum, back to doing it’s important job. Pause for a moment, breathe, and ask yourself, “What am I thinking?” Then, prayerfully ask, “What is the next right thing to do?”
A life of integrity begins by just doing the next right thing. Behavior has consequences – positive and negative. Every day we make more than 35,000 decisions. From what to wear to what to say, the decisions we make – even good ones – compound over time and impact those around us.
With so many choices each day, no wonder we experience decision fatigue which shows up at the end of the day when we are most likely to fudge on our smart eating program, skip our exercise routine, or make that impulse purchase.
To protect mental clarity, avoid decision fatigue by automating routine decisions. Knowing the style you wear, what you will and won’t eat, and how you will treat others makes the decision once and for all. Knowing what we will and won’t do ahead of time reduces the number of choices we make each day and provides wise guidelines for the decisions that constantly present themselves.
But what about the choices that are not automatic? How do we make good decisions? From the book, The Ten Best Decisions A Single Mom Can Make, here are helps for making good decisions.
First, ask these questions regarding the decision you are considering:
Second, make a pro and con list.
In one column, list reasons to take this course of action. On the other side, list why this is not a good idea.
Third, prioritize the reasons.
The Bible teaches that priorities lead to progress. “Teach us to number our days, that we may gain a heart of wisdom,” (Psalm 90:12 NIV). As you prioritize your thinking, wise decisions appear. Use an ABC system to assign an A to those vital reasons on the list. The supportive reasons get a B. C is for creative but not imperative reasons.
Fourth, compare the high priority reasons from both lists.
Evaluate the A reasons for saying yes to the A reasons for choosing no. If there is a tie, move to the B reasons. One list may be longer, but quantity is no substitute for quality. To build clarity, prioritize the evidence and focus on A reasons.
Fifth, use The Brainstorm Test.
If you still cannot reach a solid decision. Gather the wise people in your life in person or on a video call so you have the best minds brainstorming together on your behalf. List every possible solution from your team and your imagination.
These tests produce a system that allows you to make most decisions expediently and confidently. Even the most puzzling choices can be pursued with diligence, so a solution becomes evident.
God speaks through
Listen. God’s good hand is on you as you journey ahead with his help.
Solo mom of seven, PeggySue Wells is the founder of SingleMomCircle.com. She is a USA Today and Wall Street Journal bestselling author of 33 books including The Ten Best Decisions A Single Mom Can Make, Chasing Sunrise, and The Patent. More from PeggySue at PeggySueWells.com.
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