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You never know how talking about war might unlock a different view or perspective for both you and your kids.
Estimated reading time: 9 minutes
Our children are constantly learning new words attached to human suffering and tragedy. Many started school under the thumb of a global pandemic. It’s a sad reality for us as parents to realize what is their normal, that school shootings have become the backdrop to their childhood. Now we are adding a new layer of potential trauma with horrific descriptions of, not just war, but also its atrocities.
Unfortunately, war is one of those realities that forces families to confront difficult issues. It leaks into their daily life, through the news, and can spill into the hallways of school, like it did for Melissa.
Although it started out as a normal Thursday morning, it quickly morphed into a day full of uncertainty and worry. A few hours after arriving at school, Melissa walked to American History class overhearing hallway chatter of something unfamiliar. Her friends, and even some teachers, scrolled through their phones and whispered phrases like “war,” “invasion,” and “sanctions.” Melissa wasn’t used to hearing those conversations at school, so she could sense something was wrong.
As her teacher began class, she noticed an unusual headline across the screen. “Russia Invades Ukraine.” Melissa knew a few things about Russia, but she wasn’t quite sure where Ukraine was. After the bell rang, her teacher quieted the class and began explaining the news article.
While he spoke, Melissa struggled to keep up. She tried her best to put the pieces together, but it didn’t make sense. A dictator. Murdering innocent people. Nuclear war. The potential of World War III.
Melissa felt overwhelmed and alone. Her friends were nodding along and continuing to whisper to each other. She didn’t know who could answer her questions, so she stayed silent and thought to herself: Is everything okay? Am I going to die too?
Consider this: Melissa was in seventh grade. What about six to nine year olds who could be overhearing conversations, and news reports of Israeli children being taken from their beds? They are adding words to their vocabulary like kidnapping, hostages, civilians, and what’s worse, they are combined with words they do know– grandmothers and babies.
Where Do I Start?
Depending on your children’s age and stage of life, difficult conversations might occur at different times. Sometimes these topics arise organically in conversations at school or with friends. Other times, you can control these discussions with your kids in the safety and comfort of home.
Knowing how to talk to your kids about war is certainly a daunting task. With constant exposure through social media, it’s likely your kids interact with multiple opinions about news before you even get a chance to talk with them.
However, it’s important that you do. Perhaps even more important is that you begin by asking questions rather than immediately launching into a speech containing all of your opinions about war and government.
5 Principles to Use When Talking with Your Kids about War
Talking with your kids about war depends on their age, stage of life, and understanding of complex topics such as government, history, and leadership. Before you begin your conversation, consider how you will approach your child. Then, you can think through these 5 principles when talking to your kids about war.
1. Ask Questions
If you think your child is already exposed to conversations about war, find a quiet moment to check in with them. Maybe after dinner or before bedtime. In these moments, create a safe space for your kids to reflect and share their thoughts.
Ask questions like “What have you heard about ____?” Or “How does _____ make you feel?” Choose questions that are open-ended and allow your child to speak freely. In conversations about war, your goal should include understanding your child’s feelings and thoughts, as well as what they’re seeing and hearing.
2. Let Your Children Guide the Conversation
As you allow your child to ask questions, they will naturally guide the conversation. These check-in conversations allow you to fully grasp their understanding of war and the specific situations within.
Check-ins also allow you to debunk any misconceptions your children might have. This is critical in a world defined by social media. Sometimes, introducing visual elements such as a map can help your children picture the situation better. As you provide facts and context, ensure that you are still prioritizing your children’s thoughts and feelings above your own emotions and opinions on war issues.
3. Be Cautious about What You Show Your Kids
Even though you can’t always control what your kids see, you can limit their exposure to news and social media through appropriate boundaries. If you need a starting place, try to not let your kids experience the news without you.
As news outlets feature graphic content warnings and images, consider muting or turning off the TV in these moments. If there’s any terminology or war vocabulary that’s confusing to your kids, take the opportunity to provide definitions. If social media proves to be problematic for your older kids, have a conversation with them about what they’re seeing, who they’re following, and the why behind both.
4. Avoid Labels
When your kids ask “why bad things happen” it’s critical to help them understand the difference between the bad thing that happened, and the people involved.
Labelling entire people groups or nations as “bad” or “evil” unnecessarily perpetuates fear or confusion for your kids. Regardless of the war or situation, not every single individual from that country or nation is involved with nor agrees with their country’s decisions.
Instead of choosing labels, be comfortable with using the phrase: “I don’t know.” As a parent, your honesty and admission of not knowing everything will prove far more valuable that attempting to have an answer for every single question from your kid. In situations where your child has a personal relationship with God or exposure to Christianity, this can create a perfect avenue to a conversation about sin and its impact on the world.
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5. Focus on the “Helpers”
When something scary happens, there are always those who try to help. Especially in times of war, there are individuals committed to helping those in danger. Whether it’s simple gatherings of support or donation efforts, you can find stories focused on the positive service of those in need.
If you decide to watch the news with your children or read articles online, consider finding stories describing the positive actions of heroes and helpers. In the midst of violence, search for messages centered on hope and unity. Then, if the conversation leads this way, discuss how your family can also contribute your help.
What Does the Bible Say about War?
It’s an inescapable reality. The Bible mentions war throughout its pages and chapters. Ancient history is rife with chronicles of battles involving God’s chosen people, the nation of Israel. Ranging from international conflict to simple relational disputes, these battles display God’s character and sovereignty.
The Old and New Testaments contain multiple descriptions of war where the Lord’s people experience both defeat and victory. There are important distinctions between the two testaments depictions of war. The Old Testament often portrays physical wars involving armies and military institutions. However, the New Testament consistently describes spiritual warfare and abstract teachings about the battles within the soul.
Bible Verses about War
While this is certainly not an exhaustive list, it does provide a snapshot of biblical descriptions and teachings involving war. Keep reading to discover some key moments in the Bible where we see God’s view and perspective on war.
“There are six things that the Lord hates, seven that are an abomination to Him: haughty eyes, a lying tongue, and hands that shed innocent blood, a heart that devises wicked plans, feet that make haste to run to evil…”
“What causes quarrels and what causes fights among you? Is it not this, that your passions are at war within you? You desire and do not have, so you murder. You covet and cannot obtain, so you fight and quarrel…”
Each of these biblical references could necessitate a lengthy discussion of the ethics and morality surrounding war. While those conversations are valuable, they’re not entirely necessary for your kids’ understanding of war.
Know that your kids might ask if you’re worried about war and its effect on your family’s life. Prioritize honesty, but don’t remain rooted in fear or worry. Part of that honesty is letting your kids know that we don’t know what will happen, but we do know who is in control.
As a parent, your tone and discernment will be critical to the outcome of these conversations with your kids. Talking about war with your kids requires an investment of your attention and emotion. Going forward one of the most important parts is to continue to provide a space for listening and asking questions.
Final Thoughts on Talking with Your Kids about War
Whether it’s the ongoing invasion of Russia in Ukraine, the massacre and war in Israel, or a future situation we don’t know about yet, talking to your kids about war is a responsibility for parents to take seriously. It’s natural for your children to feel anxious and confused, even upset. But know that the topic of war can affect kids in different ways.
Keep track of how often your family discusses the topic of war. Set appropriate boundaries for these conversations. More importantly, observe the tone of these conversations to ensure that your collective focus is on God’s control, love, and the positive actions of the “helpers” across the world rather than on fear or worry.
Don’t ignore this topic with your kids. You never know how talking about war might unlock a different view or perspective for both you and your kids. Beyond their personal development, your kids will benefit in their relationship with you as you show consistent empathy, understanding, and support for them. When you approach talking to your kids about war in these ways, you can help children like Melissa replace feelings of loneliness and worry with confidence and trust.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SKaOfwptVl4
“How to Talk With Your Kids about War” – Focus on the Family Parenting
Jackson Greer is a Special Projects Manager for Focus on the Family. He lives in Colorado Springs with his wife, Clara. They love feeding birds, debating whether or not to get a cat, and reading William Carlos Williams’ poetry together. Also, he is a former high school English teacher and a defender of the Post Office.
