Urgent Need: As the back-to-school season begins, families are facing mounting pressure—tough choices, cultural confusion, and strained relationships.
Will you make a gift before August 31 to help provide Christ-centered support in this critical season?
Get over your need for your step kids to like you.
I thought it would be easy: I would be nice, and my stepkids would like me. I would make their favorite meals and agonize over their Christmas gifts.
I did nice.
It didn’t work.
The problem? The harder I tried, the more I was ignored. Then I went to my stepson Jeremy’s hockey game in my true stepmom-of-the-year form, and cheered him on. When I shouted, “Great game!” he completely ignored me.
I cried and sulked. Then I asked a friend for advice. She said, “Like comes later. First, earn their respect.”
The next day, I spoke with Jeremy, “Hey, Jer, I love cheering for you at your games, but I don’t like being ignored. So I’m not going to go to your games anymore until you tell me you’d like me to come.”
Jer shrugged, “OK with me. I don’t want anyone there who doesn’t want to be there.”
“That’s the problem; I do want to be there. But I can’t stand being disrespected, and I can’t watch it happen to your dad.”
That conversation changed our relationship — for the better.
For over a month, I didn’t go to the rink — until one day I drove Jeremy to a game. “Are you going to watch?” Jeremy asked as he got his gear out of the minivan.
Afterward, I said, “Good game.”
Jer simply said, “Thanks.”
As much as I wanted my stepkids to like me, I needed — and they needed — to know that we respected each other. Once I established respect, I could finally develop a relationship with them. Not just as the woman who married their dad, but as someone who was on their side, who was supporting them.
Years later, I’ve gotten more than I hoped for — not only do they respect me, but they also love me. I just had to get over not being liked.
Kathi Lipp is the co-author of The Cure for the Perfect Life: 12 ways to stop trying harder and start living braver.
Kathi Lipp is the author of many books including Ready for Anything: Preparing Your Heart and Home for Any Crisis Big or Small, Clutter Free, Hot Mama: 12 Secrets to a Sizzling Hot Marriage, The Get Yourself Organized Project, The Husband Project and You Don’t Have to Try So Hard. She is a frequent guest on radio and TV, and host of the podcast Clutter Free Academy. Kathi and her husband, Roger, are the parents of four young adults in Somerset, Calif. Learn more about Kathi by visiting her website, www.kathilipp.com. You can read more from Kathi on her blog.
Read More About:
Over the years, my husband and I have learned to navigate times of marital strife. I call tough seasons like those “relationship winters.”
Estimated reading time: 6 minutes I stood in line to board the airplane, wondering if I should say something to the woman behind me whose conversation I could hear. As
Couples with military training often show composure in tough times. But that strength can mask the needs of real people who long to be open with each other. Marriages suffer if these needs aren’t met.
