Talking to Your Daughter about Her Worth, Identity, and Beauty

Estimated reading time: 8 minutes

Have you ever tried to walk on a balance beam? Teetering on the edge of falling off. Gingerly placing one foot before the other. It can be a harrowing experience to keep your balance even only a few feet above the ground. At times, this is what it can feel like talking to your daughter about difficult topics.

Conversations about worth, identity, beauty and other appearance-related topics can quickly knock a parent off their balance. As your daughter matures into a young woman, these conversations develop into discussions about sexuality, purity, and even marriage.

Yet, even the most prepared and confident parent experiences a variety of fears and feelings that come with talking to your daughter about these difficult topics. In conversations with your daughter, it’s important to remember this. That your goal isn’t to stay on the balance beam the whole time. Nor is it your goal never to fall off.

Instead, you should aim to bring your daughter up on the balance beam with you. Then, show her the awkwardness of trying to navigate life’s difficulties alone. It’s important to learn how to walk with someone guiding you. That way, when you’re ready to walk on your own, you have a plan. You’ve balanced before. Most importantly, your daughter has enough confidence to know where she’s headed. Then, she can begin to step out on her own balance beam. Walking forward with assurance that she can balance and navigate her life’s greatest obstacles.

Instilling this confidence in your daughter begins even before she learns how to walk. Explore how you can talk with your daughter about her worth, identity, and beauty throughout each age and stage of her life.

Talking to Your 0-3 Year Old Daughter

I would be willing to bet that most compliments paid to infants and toddlers are in regard to appearance. Of course, this is understandable considering we can’t really highlight an infant’s sparkling personality or good deeds accomplished. Chances are we heard, “What a beautiful baby,” on numerous occasions when our daughters were just infants.

While our infants are unable to absorb the message, it won’t be long before they do. My daughter, now 18, was often complimented as a baby for her blonde curls, blue eyes, fair skin, and teeny-tiny frame. And trust me, by the age of two, she had taken note of each and every compliment.

The appearance-based compliments continued through her toddler years. Until an occasion when she was four years old, I didn’t realize there might be a downside to the praises. It was picture day at her preschool. I had dressed her up in a beautiful dress with a matching hair ribbon. As she was walking into the door of the classroom that morning, her teacher said, “Paige, you look so pretty!” Paige’s response without even missing a beat was, “I know. Everyone tells me that.”

Yikes! Of course, this was long before I was writing about the dangers of misdefined worth, not to mention I was hardly qualified since I was clearly part of the problem.

From that day forward, I tried to emphasize her character qualities and de-emphasize her physical beauty. If she grew dependent on the compliments, what would become of her self-esteem when she entered the gawky, adolescent phase? You remember it, don’t you? Pimples, bad hair days, and a body often out of control. To be honest, many of us are still in recovery from those days!

Tips for Talking to Your Toddler Daughter

• We must be careful to find a healthy balance when it comes to complimenting our child’s appearance, especially in the early years.
• On the one hand, our girls naturally desire to know that they are pretty. If we don’t tell them, it could leave them craving male attention in the years to come.
• On the other hand, we don’t want to go overboard and send a message that worth is based on what they look like.
• This, in turn, could set them up for disappointment when the compliments diminish over the years.

Talking to Your 4-8 Year Old Daughter

As your daughter moves through grade school, she will begin to absorb the culture’s message regarding beauty. Whether she is being influenced primarily by the media or her friends, one thing is for certain: she is learning about beauty in the world’s eyes. It will be especially important in these years to have open communication with your daughter regarding these messages.

Take advantage of teachable moments, whether they are commercials or comments from friends. Remind her of 1 Samuel 16:7 and how God looks at the heart while the world looks at appearance. Continue to remind her of this passage as she moves through grade school. If she struggles with weight, emphasize a healthy diet and exercise and make sure you are practicing it yourself. Rather than nag her about eating too many sweets or snacks, try to reduce the temptation by minimizing them in your home. Lead by example. Whatever you do, never shame her about weight, even jokingly.

Tips for Talking to Your Elementary Age Daughter

• Again, emphasize virtue and character qualities over appearance. This doesn’t mean you go overboard and tell her appearance doesn’t matter. The message should always be temple maintenance: healthy weight range, good eating habits, exercise, positive grooming habits.
• Because girls are developing earlier, your daughter will be exposed to many shapes and sizes during these years. It’s important that you don’t make comments about other girls (or your daughter) in these years that could leave them feeling inferior or worried about their own development process.
• As they move into the latter years of grammar school, begin necessary conversations with them about the process their body (and their friends’ bodies) will go through as they move from girlhood to womanhood.

Talking to Your 9-12 Year Old Daughter

This age and stage is critical to your daughter’s understanding of her appearance, worth, and identity. Girls mature earlier than boys, and the preteen years present the opportunity to positively shape your daughter’s maturity.

If your daughter seems to be overly attentive in these years to appearance and body image issues, you might want to look closely at her immediate circle to see where the influence is coming from. Is it a friend? Is she exposed to messages in the media that she is too young to process? For example, is she allowed to consume inappropriate content? In other words, is your daughter consistently exposed to material that supports a narrow and unrealistic definition of beauty?

In addition to external sources, it’s worth assessing any internal messages that could negatively impact your daughter. Could you or your husband be focusing too much on appearance and sending her the wrong message? If you see warning signs, do what you can to reverse the damage, even if it means seeing a counselor or nutritionist.

Tips for Talking to Your Preteen Daughter

• Monitor your daughter’s exposure to negative external opinions on appearance and worth. Instead, provide biblical wisdom and teaching in these moments. Most importantly, keep the conversation going over the years.
• Encourage your preteen daughter’s friendships. Help her cultivate strong friendships that strengthen her sense of identity rather than destroy her self-esteem.
• Listen before you speak. At this age and stage, your preteen daughter will start to form more personalized opinions than before. This means it’s time for you to start balancing the amount of time you spend talking versus listening.
• Validate her thoughts and opinions. In conversations, prioritize speaking back what you hear your preteen saying or thinking. That way you can avoid assuming her thoughts, fears, or worries.

Talking to Your 13-18 Year Old Daughter

When I surveyed adult Christian women, one of the questions I asked them was: “What sort of message did you receive from your mom and/or dad regarding weight/body image when you were growing up?” Many women shared that even today they could still remember exact phrases and the sting they felt over comments made by their parents during their middle and high school years.

For most of our daughters, the change in body shape will be most drastic in this age and stage. Most girls will have their womanly shape by the time they graduate high school. Many girls are caught off guard in these years when their bodies transition (almost overnight, it seems) from girlhood to womanhood. We must make sure they know that this is normal and part of God’s design to prepare them someday to bear children. Never assume that they will naturally absorb that truth by osmosis!

Tips for Talking to Your Teenage Daughter

• One thing I have made an effort to do with my own daughter is to educate her to the reality of her weight and shape changing over the years.
• If your daughter is in the 13 to 18 age range, make sure your comments related to appearance, weight, and body shape of your daughter (and others) are scarce.
• If you are preoccupied with these things, chances are, your daughter will be as well. Allow your daughter to hear you compliment women’s virtues rather than only their appearance.
• Limit your daughter’s exposure to negative perspectives about beauty. Then, when she experiences those lies, take advantage of teachable moments. Most importantly, keep the conversation going over the years. Remind her often, “You are not the sum of your parts.”

Final Thoughts on Talking to Your Daughter

Remember that your relationship with your daughter should come before your desire to convince her of what she should think, feel, or believe. While you have these conversations there will be opportunities to listen to and love your daughter. Especially in the preteen and teenage age and stages.

In a world dominated by sinful depictions of beauty, worth, and love, choose to show your daughter biblical love. Communicate that her worth is not found in feelings or trends. Instead, show her that her worth rests in something undeniable and unshakeable. Listen to her thoughts. Answer her questions. Then, show your love to her through consistent compassion and respect.

Finally, don’t neglect to pray for your daughter. When appropriate, pray with her and ask her to lead in prayer as well. Trust that we are praying for your family as well as you navigate difficult crossroads throughout raising your kids.