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Why do you parent? Do you give thought to your decision-making process for the parenting choices you make? Learn more about how the authoritarian parenting style falls short when it comes to effective parenting.
What is the purpose of parenting? To raise up obedient children? To raise up successful human beings? Is it all about following rules and pursuing excellence like the authoritarian parenting style offers? Or is there more?
Authoritarian parents desire kids to listen the first time and to not question authority. They love the structure of rules and the rightness of immediate obedience. They are the “because I told you so” parents of the world and tend to emphasize the need for a child to be immediately obedient without questions. This parenting style is all about valuing structure and obedience over relational warmth.
Parenting is not about having perfect kids Instead. Instead, it’s about transformation so you can influence your kids through your loving role of being mom or dad. On a deeper level, it’s also about guiding kids toward a trusting and loving relationship with Christ.
Many authoritarian parents end up lamenting the fact that their children are suddenly grown up and are not as interested in spending time with them since there was very little relationship along the way. They also see that their kids are not very interested in following a God of only rules and punishment.
Negative Effects of Authoritarian Parenting
As a reminder, the four basic styles of parenting researchers have identified are permissive, authoritarian, neglectful, and authoritative. Authoritarian is quite different from authoritative even though sometimes people get confused between the two styles.
The authoritative parenting style combines high levels of discipline and guidance with high levels of warmth and sensitivity. On the other hand, the authoritarian style mainly heavily focuses on discipline and rules with minimal warmth and sensitivity.
Throughout more than two decades as a family therapist, I’ve noticed four types of authoritarian parents:
Driven – Parents who are competitive and want their kids to excel in everything they do. These parents can instill some incredibly consistent habits in their home culture and within their kids. They pursue goals and order but end up missing out on the relationship their kids crave along the journey.
Prideful – Parents who have a hard time losing, being wrong, or being challenged. They need admiration, respect, and obedience. They are focused on “looking good” from the outside. Also, if there is a perception that they have everything perfectly in order, then they assume they will receive admiration from others.
Angry – Parents who are not patient with disorder, imperfection, and/or disobedience and may have had authoritarian style parents growing up. These parents may be suffering from post-traumatic stress disorder from combat, abuse, or other traumas that are impacting their ability to have patience and warmth. Rules help them feel in control of something.
Controlling – Parents who want to have control out of fear of not being in control or the thought that control means everything is ok. They perceive rules and structure as the purpose of parenting.
Is There a Better Option?
The goal for parents should be to provide guidance, motivation, and limits within a trusting, secure, and connected relationship with their children.
I love, Proverbs 15:31-33 in the context of our own discipline and the discipline of children. It says, “the ear that listens to life-giving reproof will dwell among the wise. Whoever ignores instruction despises himself, but he who listens to reproof gains intelligence. The fear of the Lord is instruction in wisdom, and humility comes before honor.”
What is “life-giving” reproof? This is about providing direction and teaching for children out of humility, wisdom, awareness, listening, and focused on their growth rather than their performance.
The high levels of guidance, responsibility, and boundaries that characterize the authoritarian parenting style are essential for growth of character and resilience. At the same time, warmth and sensitivity are foundational to secure attachment and relationships. in turn, authoritative parenting balances both sets of qualities. Also, the 7 Traits of Effective Parenting from Focus on the Family outlines practical ways to bring high levels of warmth and sensitivity to high levels of boundaries, limits, and guidance.
Finally, to learn more about the authoritarian parenting style and the other three parenting styles, visit here. There you can also learn more about the 7 Traits of Effective Parenting, which is based off the extensive research on secure attachment and the more ideal authoritative parenting style.
Dr. Daniel Huerta is Vice President of Parenting and Youth for Focus on the Family, overseeing the ministry’s initiatives that equip moms and dads with biblical principles and counsel for raising healthy, resilient children rooted in a thriving faith.
He is a psychologist, a licensed clinical social worker, and the author of 7 Traits of Effective Parenting. For many years, he has provided families with practical, biblically-based and research-based parenting advice on topics including media discernment, discipline, communication, mental health issues, conflict resolution, and healthy sexuality in the home. He is passionate about coming alongside parents as they raise contributors, instead of consumers, in a culture desperately in need of God’s kingdom.
Dr. Huerta has been interviewed by various media outlets including Fox News, Fatherly, Christianity Today, WORLD Magazine, and CBN, and he is a frequent guest on Christian radio stations across the nation. He’s also written for publications, including The Washington Post, on various topics related to marriage and parenting. He participated in the development of Focus on the Family’s Launch Into the Teen Years, a resource to help parents prepare their kids for adolescence, and he speaks regularly at retreats, conventions, and online events.
Dr. Huerta has maintained a private practice in Colorado Springs, Colorado since 2003 and has served families through Focus on the Family since 2004. He and his wife, Heather, have been married since 1997 and love being parents to their three teen children, Alex, Lexi, and Maci.
