Parenting is hard, and so is learning to self-regulate as a parent. It would be difficult to find a parent who disagrees with that statement. However, good news is embedded in that statement, too. Parenting is hard because you’re trying to be a good parent. You’re not just meeting your children’s physical needs; you’re meeting their spiritual and emotional needs, too. You’re invested in their development and healing. In short, you want to help them reach their God-given potential.
To help our kids reach their potential, we must remember that parenting is a long game. We are not just trying to stop unwanted behaviors in the moment; instead, we are shaping and forming our kids into adults with the skills and godly character they need for future success. We too often forget that and find ourselves stuck in these behavioral moments when we should be more focused on character-building opportunities.
Learning to Self-Regulate as a Parent is Crucial
Here’s another truth to consider. We need to model the behavior we want to see from our children. Jesus shared this principle in John 5:19, “The Son can do nothing of his own accord, but only what he sees the Father doing. For whatever the Father does, that the Son does likewise.” If we yell when we are stressed, our kids will learn that yelling is an appropriate coping mechanism. When we stay regulated, they will learn how to stay regulated, too.
If you want to help your kids stay regulated in moments of stress, you will first have to model it for them. If you are dysregulated, then nobody wins in that situation. It’s like Dr. Purvis used to say, “You can not lead a child to a place of healing if you do not know the way yourself.”
4 Ways to Self-Regulate as a Parent
How can you help yourself stay regulated? Try these four things:
1. Manage Your Expectations
Managing expectations is a two-for-one strategy. We have to manage the expectations we have of our kids and the expectations we have of ourselves. We need to have appropriately high standards and expectations. The keyword in that idea is “appropriate.” For example, if you decide to start baking sourdough bread and expect to bake three loaves of bread every day, you’ll probably be disappointed in yourself before the end of the first week. Instead, you set a more appropriate goal, such as baking three loaves of bread every week. It’s not that you are lowering your standards but instead looking at what you have the capacity for and setting an attainable expectation.
The same applies to our kids. Understanding what they are capable of is a crucial piece of the puzzle when setting expectations. We have to be the world’s leading experts in our kids. We must know how much they can handle (which could change during stressful situations). For example, “You’re 8 years old and you should be able to tie your shoes” is too often the formula we use when deciding how much our child can handle. This is often a recipe for frustration more than it is the path to success. Instead, look at your child’s abilities and how easily frustrated they can become, set an attainable expectation, and don’t be afraid to readjust when you need to.
2. Understand Your Reactions
Our childhood experiences determine how we react to others and shape our view of ourselves and others. We have to move from reacting to responding. We have to move from the emotional part of our brains to the “smart” part of our brains. Using the “smart” part of our brain allows us to respond to our children from a place of regulation more than reacting out of our own experiences. Responses are considered and thoughtful, while reactions are in the moment and emotional.
The only way to move from reacting to responding is to make sense of our history. We must ask, “Why does that bother me so much?” when we are angry or frustrated. If we’re honest, we’ll often find ourselves reacting to something from the past and not responding to our child in the present.
3. Focus on the Relationship
Not everything is a battle to win. The word “battle,” by its very definition, is combative. It is more accurate to say we have challenges to overcome together. That sounds more relational. “Is this the hill you want to die on?” is a military question that has become part of everyday speech. Perhaps the parenting equivalent goes something like this: “Is this the altar on which I want to sacrifice my relationship with my child?” We’re not advocating for permissive parenting but instead evaluating each situation and keeping the relationship at the center. We stay more self-regulated when we focus on the relationship we are building with our child instead of the behavior in front of us.
4. Change Your Mindset
Our childhood experiences created filters by which we process and evaluate the world. For example, if our relationship with our parents growing up was great, we will expect to have a great relationship with our children. The mental model our experiences have constructed says that kids have great relationships with their parents. Anything counter to that will feel wrong and unsettling.
Our experiences as parents create filters through which we see our children’s behaviors as well. Suppose your child struggles with telling the truth. In that case, you will eventually struggle to believe him and ultimately start to believe that he is a liar because that’s how the mental model constructed over time will interpret his words.
But it doesn’t have to be that way. We must be filled with grace and need to see our kids as precious and not as the sum of their behaviors. We need to engage them where they are rather than where we wish they were. Just like the Lord, our mercies have to be new every morning.
Self-Regulation: Moving From Reacting to Responding
Using these four simple strategies to self-regulate as a parent, we will begin to find ourselves parenting from a place of calm and regulation. We will find ourselves less frustrated when we set appropriate expectations. Looking at our histories will help us be able to respond rather than react. In focusing on the relationship, we will find ourselves less likely to battle with our kids. Changing our mindset will help us find that we view our kids through a lens of grace. When we lead by example in regulation, we develop kids with the skills and godly character to succeed.
Here is an episode of our podcast (The Empowered Parent Podcast) titled Four Steps to Help Parents Move from Reacting to Responding. CLICK HERE to listen.
