The dictionary defines a mentor as “an experienced and trusted adviser.” As a mentor to foster parents and a foster parent myself, I have seen this definition lived out firsthand.
In the definition, the word “experienced” is used because the best person to help someone through any situation is someone who has been through that situation. And the word “trusted” is used because the person being mentored needs to be vulnerable, which requires trust.
Why Foster Parent Mentors Matter
I have had many amazing mentors in my life for a variety of situations. But I am especially grateful for the mentor I have had with fostering. Up to 50% of new foster parents quit their first year. Unfortunately, it’s no surprise.
In my first nine months of fostering, I saw child abuse, neglect, and the effects of substance use. I said goodbye to four children. I called my foster parent mentor so many times, crying and upset but mostly just talking in circles. Those calls got me through the first year and well beyond it.
So in the summer of 2020, when my social worker recommended me to be a foster parent mentor, I said “yes,” hoping I could do what my mentor had done for me for other foster parents.
I have been an official foster parent mentor now with the state of Kentucky for over two years. I have mentored many foster families as they navigate the first six months of fostering. Over the past two years, I have noticed certain things all foster parents need in a mentorship.
Thankfully this is not an article only geared to those who officially mentor foster parents. I want to encourage everyone who knows a foster parent to help in simple but powerful ways. There are action steps for everyone in each section below.
Help Them Navigate the System
Foster parents need mentorship in navigating the foster care system. The system includes court days, judges, GALs/CASAs, attorneys, documentation, testifying, trials, social workers, supervisors, family team meetings, visits, training, and don’t forget the dreaded, seemingly never-ending amount of paperwork.
The system can be an overwhelming beast that easily intimidates foster parents. This intimidation may cause foster parents to give up on properly advocating for the child in their care. But mentors can turn the tide.
Foster parent mentors have a unique opportunity to teach new foster parents how to engage positively with the system. A seasoned foster parent can share their knowledge to help newer foster parents become incredible advocates.
If you are not a foster parent mentor but want to help, pray that the foster parent you care about is gaining wisdom as they learn about this whole new world.
Help Them Become Trauma Informed
Foster parents need mentorship in trauma behaviors. Food trauma, attachment issues, trauma from abuse, distrust from neglect, dysregulation from visits, therapist appointments, and tons of doctor appointments can distress even the most well-intentioned foster parent.
Most of the time, the parenting techniques foster parents learned from their childhood or other parents around them do not “work” with the children they care for.
It can be isolating and enraging to deal with behaviors day after day that no one else seems to see in their kids or understand. Foster parent mentors have the time and knowledge to sympathize with and give baseline tools to newer foster parents.
Mentors can help a new foster parent identify when they should seek professional services. And they can empower the new foster parents to start those services.
If you are not a foster parent mentor, be kind and give grace to foster parents and the children in their home. If you care about someone who is fostering, understand that they are learning how to parent a child who has experienced trauma. They need your kindness and compassion.
Help Them Process Their Emotions
Foster parents need mentorship in navigating feelings. Anger, happiness, sorrow, rage, confusion, anxiety, and the never-ending odd combinations of those feelings encapsulate the wide range of emotions foster parents can experience.
These intense, all-over-the-spectrum feelings can create issues like burnout, secondary trauma, or even first-hand trauma.
Foster parent mentors have experienced each of these feelings to their greatest extent and can empathize, share their struggles, and encourage professional help when needed.
If you are not a foster parent mentor, listen to the foster parent you care about as they try to make sense of the complex situations they experience. Being a listening ear can make a greater impact than you might expect.
Help Them Stay Consistent
Foster parents need mentorship to stay reliable. Social workers may change frequently. Getting ahold of a supervisor can sometimes seem as likely as fixing the system itself. And it can feel like attorneys don’t care what you have to say.
Fostering is to experience loneliness and rejection. I am convinced many foster parents would be more successful if they had a reliable point of contact when they have a question.
When I mentor new foster parents, I try to answer texts immediately and return phone calls that day. In a job where no one seems to want to talk to them or care, foster parents need mentors who can provide that reliability and care so desperately needed for success.
If you are not a foster parent, step up when the foster parent you care about has a need. Watch their child, bring a meal, or clean some dishes.
How My Foster Parent Mentor Helped Me
One spring day in 2018, I was driving aimlessly through my neighborhood development for over an hour as I talked to my foster parent mentor. The twin baby boys I was caring for had finally fallen asleep in the back.
Looking back, I was just ranting, talking in circles. Anyone else listening would have probably hung up or at least thought about it. But my mentor stayed engaged. She listened, corrected my wrong thinking kindly, and gave practical advice. Four years later, I still attribute my longevity in foster care to her.
The good news is that you do not have to be a professional to mentor.
Look back at the four sections. Can you pray? Be kind? Listen? Step up? These simple ideas build a strong foundation for foster parents to fall back on when they need it. Anyone can support a foster parent.
To learn more about foster care and adoption, visit WaitNoMore.org.
