"Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways submit to him, and he will make your paths straight."
As our family grew, we often found ourselves in uncharted waters, facing behaviors and situations we had never anticipated. As parents, we have always tried to follow God and listen to the wisdom of others, whether it is by reading a book, listening to a sermon series on parenting, or asking our own parents for advice. It wasn’t long after our older girls from hard places began to join our family that we found our traditional parenting methods were failing miserably. We tried our hardest with tools that worked beautifully with our biological daughter, yet everything was still falling apart at the seams. We didn’t understand why and begged God for an answer.
Lean Not On Your Own Wisdom and Understanding
Proverbs 3:5-6 reminds us that when we struggle to comprehend our children’s actions or emotions, our first step should be to turn to God. As we did that, God opened my eyes to the world of trauma-informed care. I discovered the amazing work of Karyn Purvis and TBRI (Trust-Based Relational Intervention). Dr. Purvis’ insights on how trauma impacts the behavior of children who’ve experienced complex loss, neglect, abuse, and trauma changed our family’s future. Learning these tools and the connecting principles gave me a deeper understanding of our girl’s behaviors and the ability to handle them with wisdom, understanding, and compassion. It also opened the door to realizing my own adult attachment issues as a result of my childhood traumas. This gave me the framework that I needed to adjust our approach and address my own issues so that our family could begin to thrive.
Have a Humble Heart
It was hard and humbling to admit that what we had done and known as parents were failing, and we needed a new toolbox of resources to be successful. Yet, our ability to lay it down and start over was the key to our family’s long-term success. Understanding the “why” behind the “what” of our children’s behaviors is a journey that requires patience, empathy, and divine guidance. Many of our children have experienced trauma that impacts their thoughts, feelings, and actions in ways that may seem puzzling or frustrating to us. But God calls us to look deeper and seek understanding with His help.
My husband and I began to seek out a deeper understanding of the impact of trauma on development, behaviors, and neurobiology. We’ve read books, attended conferences, paid for intense training, and, most importantly, applied what we learned in our home. We learned to soften our voices, to sit beside our girls instead of standing over them, to give them a voice, to compromise, allow choice, and many other valuable tools that helped to reduce the chaos in our home and help our girls feel loved, seen, and understood. We needed to follow the Lord into this new world of understanding because it was the only way we could be useful tools for Him to unlock their hearts and potential. As we submitted our family direction to Him, He showed us new ways to act and interact through trauma-informed science and understanding.
Accept the Wisdom and Understanding God Sends
We could have stood firm in what we already knew—the way we had parented our biological daughter, the way our parents parented us, the way all of our friends were parenting their children. But then we would have been like the man standing atop the house as the flood waters rose around him, begging God for rescue.
The story goes that a man with a ladder comes by to help the stranded man onto dry land, but he denies the ladder because “God is going to rescue me.” A boat comes by that he denies because “God is going to rescue me.” A helicopter comes by and drops a ladder, but he denies the ride because “God is going to rescue me.” Finally, the man drowns, and when he gets to heaven, he asks God, “Why didn’t you rescue me?” God replies, “I sent a man with a ladder, a boat, and a helicopter, but you refused them all.”
I don’t want to get to heaven and ask God, “Why didn’t you save my family?” for Him to respond, “I sent the tools and understanding, but you rejected it all.”
Be Patient and Willing to Learn
It’s important to remember that seeking understanding doesn’t mean we’ll have all the answers immediately. Standing firm in wisdom and understanding sometimes means acknowledging what we don’t know but are willing to learn. This might involve educating ourselves about trauma and its effects, consulting with professionals, or connecting with other foster and adoptive families who can offer insights from their experiences.
God often works through others to provide the understanding we need. Don’t be afraid to seek help or admit that you’re struggling.
This vulnerability can open doors to new resources, support, and perspectives that God may be trying to bring into your life.
As you navigate the complexities of foster care and adoption, hold fast to the promise that God will guide you in understanding your children’s needs. He sees the full picture of their lives and yours, and He is faithful to provide the wisdom you need, one step at a time.
A Short Prayer for Wisdom and Understanding
Heavenly Father, we come to You seeking wisdom and understanding for our families. Help us to trust in You completely, especially when we struggle to make sense of our children’s behaviors or needs. Please give us the humility to acknowledge what we don’t know and the courage to seek help when we need it. Open our eyes to see our children as You see them, and grant us the patience and empathy to support them through their healing journey. Thank You for Your promise to generously give us wisdom when we ask. We trust in Your guidance and love. In Jesus’ name, Amen.
